I'm just sayin'

Here's a little pointer out there for any of you who may or may not know this: If you are exposed to a violent stomach bug... but don't have any symptoms of it... IT IS STILL NOT SAFE TO VISIT US. ( or anyone else) I'm not going to talk about who or what. I'm just making a general statement. Thanks to the people who said they weren't sick, so it was okay to visit... ( eventhough I was hesitant)Holden got it Wednesday, and Millie threw up from 1:30 this morning- 5:30 this morning.. .one time, all over me after I just finished drying her hair after a bath. ( @ 2am) One time was ALMOST in our bed but I screamed that after the "big belch"~ hurl will explode out of the child!Get her to the toilet! ( I learned that the hard way the time before) I know that the people who brought this virus to our home didn't mean any harm, clearly.. it's just that now: We will all get this. It's down to Parker and me. We cannot hang out w/ Suze and Danny on New Year's Eve. We cannot attend the Party @ my Aunt's house tomorrow. SO now our New Year's plans are screwed. YAYYYYY! Hopefully I don't get it.. because I'm already having contractions for some reason. ( they started last night @ about 6pm... and my stomach is still tightening every so often and it feels like the baby is pushing down. It happens when I stand or lie down... regardless of how much water I have had... or what position I am in) I can see it now: I get this stomach bug... I get dehydrated... go into labor... and low and behold... Parker starts hurling too... which means that when I'm in the hospital... he can't be there for Tiny's delivery. All this is obviously anxiety talkin' here...I don't know what's worse, the anticipation that we'll get it... or just getting it and getting it over with. Seriously: next time... I'm telling these unmentioned people " YOU CANNOT COME HERE." I had to sleep in a chair last night because Millie wanted me in the room with her and I am a bad mommy and couldn't bring myself to sleep next to her. My back is KILLING me! SO Thank you unmentioned people. Thank you for screwing up our holidays. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

disclaimer: this is my blog... I can say whatever the heck I want. So don't go there.

Today's BPP

Since we were exposed to some sort of rotovirus thing this past week... I was unable to find a sitter for MS & HIP... so Daddy stepped up to the plate :) We all drove to Georgetown this morning together, which was pretty funny. Well, except for the part where Parker lectured me on how to drive... that part pissed me off. Obviously since I drive to Georgetown 4 times a week, I have no idea how to drive, love. Don't even start with the , " I was just trying to help" crap. Nope... not gonna listen to that. We arrived at the hospital in time. I packed the portable DVD player ( on loan from my parents) and Parker and the kids watched " the adventures of Scooby Doo ( Holden's fave) while Tiny seemingly took a nap. The whole point of the bpp is to monitor Tiny's movements and amniotic fluid levels. Typically this test takes about a half an hour. Today it took 45 minutes just to wake Tiny up. My amniotic fluid levels are still within normal. ( sometimes women who have diabetes and are pregnant have issues in the 3rd trimester due to the placenta "aging" quickly.) On Tuesday my amniotic fluid level was 14 cm. Today it was 11 cm. Normal range is between 8 and 24 cm. Parker was a little freaked...but I assured him that all was fine and these levels can change periodically. Now he has me a little worried, so I put in a call to Meredith ( Dr. Landy's nurse) to see if this is all within the norm. I'm still waiting for her call... but I'm sure everything is A-ok. ( or the bpp nurse would have said something.) I get another non-stress test/bpp on Tuesday... so we'll see if everything is still going smoothly.
Tiny can't seem to find a place to put his/her foot these days. It seems that my bottom ribs are a good anchor for him/her. Not that I don't love this pregnancy thing... I'm just wishing I could take a DEEP breath and not have a foot push into my lung. Alright it seems that there is something hitting the wall in the other room... and now MS is yelling, " OWWW HELLLPPPPPP!" ( but laughing hysterically...) I can only imagine.

Doctor's appointments: week 33

Dr. Doroshow: ( pediatric cardiologist) ( & I quote) " Get out of here, you bore me." Tiny's tricuspid regurgitation is growing in a consistent manner with his/her heart. The bigger the heart, the bigger the leak... not: bigger heart... much bigger leak. The aorta is not stretching... and the heartbeat is steady. Good. No early delivery. Biophysical profile/ fetal non stress test : The baby needed to move 2 times in 20 minutes with a rise in heartbeat each time it moved. Tiny cooperated. .. and passed the first of many non- stress tests. The biophysical profile or BPP ( in sonogram lingo) showed that there is enough amniotic fluid and the movements are consistent with a happy baby. Dr. Ratner was happy with my numbers... and moved my alternate ( night time ) basal up a 1/10 of a unit. He said " I'd love to see you go to mid January... putting you @ 34/35 weeks... which is just perfect in my book." He added, " wouldn't it be funny if you went 37 weeks?" I told him to shut up. I will be so annoyed that after 7 months of hearing that I'm gonna go early, I go full term? UG . So that's pretty much it... nothing major/dramatic to report . I go in for another fetal non- stress test/BPP in the morning . I assume that all will be just fine. Now, for my non-stress test: let's see if I can get my 2 four year olds into bed without losing my cookies.. when does school start again?

Christmas. I love it. I love the idea of a fat white man entering our home while we sleep... leaving more material stuff for our kids than we could have ever dreamed of... Naaaa I really do love it. I love the sounds and the smells. I love the kids excitement. I love giving gifts. I also love that Parker tracked soot through our house and knocked over the fireplace screen to make it look like Santa actually DID show up... just like my dad used to when Suze and I were little kids. Millie and Holden were totally into Christmas this year. We read " t'was the night before Christmas" at bed time... and Millie even slept without her noonie! ( with the promise that Santa would bring her a "Barbie doll" ( hey, if I'm not the one actually giving her a barbie. I'm down with that. + the Barbie I found was the " Barbie For President!" doll. I actually think this doll would do a better job than our current Pres... but that's a whole 'nother story, isn't it? ) Holden loved all the opening of gifts ( we limited each kid to 7) and had a blast on his new firetruck( that was promised to him if he gave up his noonie) Millie seemed a little grumpy and overwhelmed.. but got over it when we showed up at Meem's house.. which was packed to the gills with little screaming children playing with this year's installment of new toys. After a long day ... the day continued on ... and off we went to Beanie and PopPop's and opened what seemed like a never ending stream of new toys,clothes, and candy. I put a limit on my mom this year, but she obviously ignored me.. since a lot of the gifts that were given to the kids.. .are still at Beanie and Pop Pop's house. ( we couldn't fit them in the car!) The day was summed up by Holden as he was sitting in his bed. He said to my mom, " thanks for making Christmas come Beanie." OH MAN! There goes next year's limit! I think my mom teared up there a little. She said " ohh Holden , you are welcome, I'm so glad you had a great day." All I could do was think to myself.. " where in the H-E- double hockey sticks are going to put all of this stuff when we get home??? I'm trying to simplify and nest over here! You're not helping!" BUT I obviously appreciate my parents' generosity.Millie and Holden are going to put a box of " old toys" from their playroom together so we can make a donation to kids who don't have a Beanie. I would feel better knowing that Millie and Holden understand that not everyone is as lucky as they are, and that by giving up things that they used to play with, will help them learn about giving back to their community. Okay, I better get moving and bring in today's installment of toys that haven't made it in from the car. SOOOO many toys, so little time.

Kick finder technology

Thanks to my friend (& director of the kids' school) Amanda... finding those kicks aren't so hard anymore. She( who is due to have her little baby today) gave me these hilarious tattoos to help people find those hard to find kicks without fully molesting me. Thanks to the new " kick finder technology!" This weeks belly shot shows you exactly where Tiny kicks me 99% of the time
So here's the gut @ 32 weeks

Painting nude

Because of my many doctors appointments... and the fact that Millie and Holden's winter break is this week and next... our babysitter ( Brittany) has been literally camped out at our house pretty much all week. The other day I was rushing around and Brit asked me if painting would be okay, if she used smocks etc.. I said " Honestly Brit, I trust that whatever you do will be fine."
In an effort to save the new PJs she took HIP's off... only to find that he was sans underwear. Still, HIP thought that since he was painting, it would be best to still play it safe and wear a smock. Funny how paint still got on his little butt.

Any pointers?

Okay all you bedresters out there... does anyone know how to get the feeling back in your left side? I am numb from laying on my left side all darn day and night. +I had a little cobedder join me on my body pillow last night.( so I was squooshed ) He told me something about a fire... and needing a firetruck to put out the fire, which freaked me out for a minute there.. but it was obvious that he was sleepwalking and talking in his sleep. Funny how he can still pick his nose and eat the boogers even in his sleep.
Anyways...(on that note)

PLEASE let me know how I can get rest without feeling like I'm going to paralyzed after a week.

Red Christmas

Perhaps its that the holidays are always stressful. Perhaps its that I'm freaked out that very shortly the somewhat responsible adults in our house will be outnumbered by people whose sole purpose is to see if they can injure themselves in front of my very eyes. Perhaps its that Amy's highly educated doctors cannot agree on anything. Perhaps its that we have no coherent plan for switching from "man to man" to "zone" defense. Perhaps its the end of the year pressure at work. Perhaps its that the evening news is damn depressing. Whatever the reason, I can't sleep. So its 2:56 AM and I'm hijacking my wife's blog to share with you my nocturnal musings. My apologies in advance to her conservative pals.


RED CHRISTMAS
(A holiday tale from a Liberal Insomniac)

The clear blue skies are turning gray, the bay’s not doing well.
The wildlife is dwindling. It should be scared as hell.
“There’s oil in that refuge, so drill straight down”, they said.
Sometimes I think that they won’t rest ‘til all the trees are dead.

“No trigger locks, no safety switch, my rights won’t be eroded!”
Just tell that to the little girl, who thought it wasn’t loaded.
Perhaps the hunting leaves no time to go get educated,
But read your holy “2nd”, please, it says: “well regulated”.

“Small government”, they preach, “is the ideal situation”.
Except to try to rule the bodies of half the population.
The end of Sandra Day O’Connor is quickly drawing nigh.
So pack its bags and start its car, then kiss your Choice goodbye.

“The homosexuals”, they scream, “are poisoning our youth!”
As if volume will outweigh their lack of scientific proof.
“And now they want to marry and steal our holy institution!”
As soon as his divorce is done, he’ll work on a solution.

“Tax and spend!” they jump and shout, then point across the aisle.
Now, quiet please, he’s got to stack his money in a pile.
“Cut and spend” is a better way to keep the poor folks slumming.
Dust off your Marx and Engels, boys, the revolution’s coming.

They say the Lord is guiding them. It made me want to look,
So I sat down, and now I’m sure they’ve never read the Book.
Or if they did, they skipped the parts ‘bout turn the other cheek;
Plus bombs and guns and armored tanks don’t qualify as meek.

“For God says life is holy, we must protect it everywhere.”
Now follow him and he will show you our new electric chair.
Don’t worry about his low IQ or the highly biased jury.
“Now go put on your Sunday best and off to church we’ll hurry!”

And now they’re in the lab room screaming, “God will make you pay!”
Remind me again, just which disease did prayer make go away?
And isn’t it quite possible, with each secret they unlock,
That God is with the Doctors as they work to cure His flock?

Well, Elvis sang of Blue ones, as if that would be so bad,
And whether White or Green, Christmas always made me glad.
But this year I see no sugar plumbs, as I lay in my bed,
And when at last I fall asleep, my Christmas dreams are red.

Merry Christmas 2005
Parker

get back to bed

Okay so, I guess gaining 4 pounds in one week is bad? Dr. Ratner was pleased with everything but the fact that I am retaining a ton of fluid in my legs and feet. He put me back on modified bedrest w/ strict rules," you lay on your left side all day and all night for a week ( he gave me Christmas off) and if the swelling is down... all should be okay.. .if you ignore me and run all around and go crazy... I guarantee you'll be in the hospital next weekend. " Okay, okay I'll listen! Other than that everything is just fine . I am however at that point where the pregnancy is starting to feel like work. I don't really sleep at all. I typically wake up every 1/2 hour all out of breath. I have a touch of the sciatica.. ( not all the time.. but I have my moments) and I seriously have a yoga prodigy growing in my uterus. I mean how many times a day do you think Tiny needs to do " warrior 2?" As far as I can tell.. it's at least 24 times a day. Find your chakra already~ jeesh Tiny!! The braxton hicks are getting lower and painful. I was informed today by Dr. R's receptionist that I have " dropped." Well that can't be good.. since I have 8 weeks to go. I'm not complaining about the pregnancy... don't get me wrong, I still feel like being pregnant is a true gift... I'm just stating : I sure would love to be able to sleep... 'cause I KNOW what's in store for me for the next 6 months. ( or longer) Alright, I better get those address labels printed up so we can send out Christmakah cards this year. I'm off to bed!

Dr R follow up... and a little catch up

As some of you might remember from about a week ago.. there was some question about how well my kidneys are working these days. ( due to a low volume 24 hour urine) I spoke with Dr. Ratner on Friday afternoon, and he reported that I am not in kidney failure. ( whew!) He said that I have the ability to get rid of waste products... and possibly I just didn't take in as much fluid on the day of the 24 hour collection as I typically do on any given day. Okay ~ so we watch and wait. No early deliveries this week. YAY.

Parker and I made a belly cast this weekend. It was fun. I remember casting Suze's belly and it was actually very cool. I am so glad I have the cast of her belly. Millie and Holden LOVE to talk about how they grew in Aunt Suze's belly, and they use the belly cast as a reference tool. They like to point to where they actually grew. I'd post the pics of my belly casting in process... but... I'm not bold enough to put those pics online.:) I had no idea my boobs were SO BIG! and the belly cast doesn't hide that fact at all. I don't think I need my friends to carry around that visual... Whoa.

I had my 3rd biophysical profile today. Tiny looks good...moving all around .. doin' that baby tai chi I was suspecting. There is plenty of amniotic fluid... and all looks great. Another Whew!

Now.. onto the part where I freak a little. As I was leaving the sonogram office, I was informed that I would be seeing a different doctor today because Dr. Landy had emergency gall bladder surgery. Okay.. fine. I was calm. I sat waiting for awhile and a man walked in the room with my chart. He said " Amy Parker?" I was still calm. The part where I got a little edgy was when he asked me if my diabetes was pregestational, and who and where my endocrinologist was. I told this random Dr. that Dr. R's clinic was in Eastern Market. He said , " oh, over by G.W.? I said.. "noooo on the hill.. "he said "where?" I said, " behind the Library of Congress? The Capitol? The Senate offices? He quickly changed the subject and asked why I needed to see a perinatologist ( Dr. Landy)... how many weeks I am... and if I thought it was time to see Dr. Landy weekly and get bi-weekly biophysical profiles. In response to his question about how often I should see my perinatologist... or how many biophysical profiles I should get a week I responded, " um.. you're the Dr... you tell me. " After the appointment was over I went to schedule my biophyical profiles and the like.. and the scheduling receptionist informed me that Dr. Landy would be in Seattle from January 6th- January 27th. Here's where I get a little panicked. I knew that Dr. L was going to be out of town... but it dawned on me that my full term is 37 weeks. That's almost the end of January. SO this guy.. who doesn't know a thing about me.. MIGHT have to deliver Tiny.. and not only that.. .if there's a problem... this doctor who I don't know... will be performing a possible c-section( if Tiny has growth spurt?)??? AHHHGAAA! Does he know how to hold a scalpel, or will he ask me that too? I said to Parker.. I ALMOST wish that I would just go into labor in the next week and a half... so Dr. Landy will be around, 'cause frankly I am TERRIFIED of this other Dr. delivering.
I will be having a very stern discussion with Dr. Ratner about all of this. It will not be the end of the world if this random Dr. delivers... but my fragile nerves need consistency! I see Dr. R on Wednesday.. I'm sure he'll tell me that I'm gonna deliver next week anyways.. .so maybe there is no need to worry. Listen to me... I'm more worried about the random OB... not delivering a 32 weeker... ha.. you know you're the mom of preemies when......

before and after.

I did it. I hate it... but I did it. Holden was excited about it until he saw me crying... so now he's upstairs upset that he got a haircut. I'm no better than those stupid girls at that party last night. He looks cute... I guess. I just think he looked cooler w/ long hair. Now he just looks like one of those kids with a " home haircut."I think I just need to get used to it.

Vent

Okay so, Parker and I have had an ongoing argument going on for months now: Holden's hair. People, I LOVE his hair in all of it's glorious long-ness. I feel that his long hair suits him in all of his craziness. Parker thinks he looks like a girl. Parker says that "Holden looks like a little girl we don't bathe. He looks dirty and unkempt." Parker also says that I do whatever I want with no regard to his feelings. Now, certainly, ( that is not true) I don't want to hurt Parker. He obviously feels very strongly about Holden's hairstyle, so much so that when I asked him what he wanted for Christmas this year, he said " I want you to cut Holden's hair." Every time I think about taking scissors to HIP's hair, I get a little weepy. My mom harasses me endlessly " let's just TRIM IT!"... "The boy needs a haircut... he looks like a girl Amy." I am kinda tired of people telling me what's right. I am tired of knowing what is fashion forward, and people ( who have had the same hairstyle for 20 years) telling me " you are not paying attention to fashion." Okay. I KNOW fashion. I pay attention to current trends. I love forward thinking fashion so much that I am living vicariously through my son's hair. I don't really care what people think of my fashion or my kids' fashion. I don't care for snide remarks, and when people tell me that HIP looks like a girl~ I tell them they are obviously not up on current fashion...and what they are saying is not good for Holden to hear. Until: last night. We attended a Christmas party in the neighborhood and 8 middle school aged girls were calling HIP a girl, ( to his face) braiding his hair, and putting makeup on him. HIP didn't mind until one little s*#thead said ( while wearing acid wash jeans,black patten leather platform maryjanes, a ponytail that was too tight... and a short sleeved raglan american eagle shirt w/ sequens on it... (not to stoop. but if you're gonna rip on MY son's style.. you BEST bust out of 1998) )" you must be a girl.. your hair is so long!HAHAHAHA!" Holden stood there stone cold and said " I AM A BOY, stop laughing." I wanted to take this ( @ least 13 year old) girl and have her look @ me in the eyes and tell me that she wouldn't be upset if someone 10 years older than her were making fun of her to her face...and oh yeah.. . I wanted to say, "I MUST be a man since I have shorter hair than my husband." I didn't feel it necessary to stoop to this child's level... I just know that her parents are obviously judgmental and have passed on this amazing judgment /stereotyping to their daughter. Poor thing. It's gonna suck for her living in this limited world she obviously lives in. I am thrilled to say that my children do not notice people's differences.My children do not stare @ people in wheelchairs or people w/ green hair. My kids do not laugh when they see a bald woman, or someone who is obese. My children don't see differences in skin color, or if someone has 2 moms or they see 2 guys holding hands in the mall. I am thrilled to say that my children accept people as people... not anomalies to their world. I am so happy that I think I have officially achieved the acceptance of diversity... which was one of my main goals in my ideal parenthood. Back to the point: Holden's hair. AS much as it KILLS me to do this: I think I am going to cut HIP's hair. I can't say I'm gonna go short... but I am looking into a little hipster kinda cut that will say " I am HIP.. watch out." So Parker when you read this, please know that this is for you. I love you that much. :) Merry Christmas Pal. I'll be in the bathroom bawling.

th' weekly

I saw Dr. Ratner yesterday. I was a little late.. but my blood sugar dove to 30 before I left for my appointment... so driving was kind of out of the question until I got the bloodsugar up. Dr Ratner patted me on the back and told me that I "did the right thing." The visit was short and sweet, as usual. Every 4 weeks I have to hand in a 24 hour urine. You know how I LOVE this test.( notice the sarcasm) Typically I fill 1 1/2 jugs ( each totalling 2000 CCs) Welllll yesterday I handed in half of one jug. ( so.. I handed in 1000 CCs-vs- 3000) Not because I forgot about catching my pee... it's just that I didn't pee a lot the day before. Dr. Ratner was a little concerned. He looked over his reading glasses at me with his very Jim Henson-ish face while wearing his John and Yoko tie... and said " Amy~ ( he likes to start his sentances with my name when he's serious) .. " Amy~ I will be THRILLED if you make it to 2006 with your pregnancy. It's stuff like this 24 hour urine that tells me that your body is just getting tired of this arrangement." He said that everything could be fine and he would get the test results back on Friday ( tomorrow) and he'd let me know if any "decisions" needed to be made. So...my fingers are crossed that all is well...and I don't need to be induced @ 31 weeks. I have SO MUCH to do before this kid is born. Speaking of which.. I better get back to cleaning out the guest room closet... my mom is gonna be moving in with us for a while. I better clear some space for all of her stuff. :)

30 weeks

We obviously got one of those 4-D sonograms today. TOTALLY freaky, don't you think? I mean, you can actually SEE what Tiny looks like. Parker is completely freaked by this picture... I totally understand why.. but I still think it's neat-o. Clearly Tiny was pausing for a moment to think... but then went back to kicking me in the ribs after the picture was taken. ( Not so) Tiny is measuring inthe 93rd percentile... which weighs him/her in @ 4 lbs... and 15" long. S/he is doing just fine in every way. The sonogram tech said " you've got a chubby one in there!" Funny. I kept looking at this picture expecting Tiny to look like either Millie or Holden... but nope.. I don't see the resemblance in any way. Anyways.. very cool day.

AS most of you who read this know ( since you attended) Suze and my mom threw me a very nice "un-shower" yesterday.( Poor Aunt Suze couldn't attend due to a very sudden ilness... but is doing better today) I was thrilled to see friends from all aspects of my life. It looked like everyone seemed to enjoy thier time together, and I enjoyed not being the center of attention.. and I could control where and when I moved around. I get so nervous @ showers! This was so nice... just laid back.. no fuss. I hafta say I thought it was funny that Holden won the toilet paper/belly game. I guess he would know... since he hugs me all the time.:) I got a real kick out of that. He got a kick out of winning a mug filled w/ hershey's kisses.:)

All in all this week was just great. I am so lucky to have the support of my friends and family with me as I go on this adventure... and I am also lucky to know that Tiny is doing just fine in this body of mine.

My executive decision.

Diapering:

Back before we had kids, I always loved the notion of using cloth diapers. Eventhough I was not the laundry master I am today, I still thought cloth diapering seemed to be a " nice" way to diaper. After loads of research, and a few conversations with Parker, I decided that with twins... to ensure my sanity, I would use disposable... and try to protect the Earth in other ways. As time has gone on, I still find cloth diapering to be " nice." As we all know, Tiny is ONE baby. ( something I'm not sure I'll know how to handle) I spoke of using cloth for Tiny with Parker a few times. There was some mumbling of being a dirty hippie... and questions about why I would WANT to wash poop out of a cloth diaper? " Don't you have enough on your plate?" Still, I have been fantasizing about using cloth... and following through on something... and all that jazz. With some help from my friends Cathy, Cara, @ http://www.mamac-ta.com, and Jenny ( sorry Jenny I lost your blog link) I think I have established a good support system. I do need a "cloth diapering 101" workshop... but I think I'll be able to swing it. I mean, after my mom stopped wrinkling her nose about it... even SHE said that she did it and it wasn't bad. I know the "energy/detergent debate" with cloth. I use biodegradable detergent...and I intend on line drying. Now, I'm not gonna be a nazi about it. The babysitter and Parker can use the OTHER diaper I decided we would use. These diapers are called : gdiapers. (http://www.gdiapers.com) G diapers ( as seen on the webpage) are flushable/biodegradable. One can even use gdiapers in their mulch pile ( Meems would be so proud) if they don't want to worry about clogging the septic.( which g diapers promises won't happen due to the dissolving technology.) I received my shipment of gdiapers/liners last week, and for some reason I am all excited about it. I can tell you one thing, and hopefully all you cloth diaperers ( is that a word?) have some helpful hints for me when it comes to this: I am SICK of people questioning why I would use cloth... and why I care so much about what kind of diapers I use. It makes me feel like I am 16 years old and the world knows what is best for me. I HATE this feeling more than anything. When I got pregnant, I finally felt like a "grown up." Comments such as " who cares what kind of diaper you use... your diapers aren't going to make any difference in our landfills" & my personal fave : "EW," make me so angry. Listen, I have stuffed 20,000 disposable diapers into our landfills over the last 4 years. ( yes, I calculated it) I would assume that putting some effort into making sure our planet feels somewhat protected... would mean SOMETHING to someone out there. I'm just trying here... so if you have an opinion about me using cloth/flushables... please keep it to yourself. I wouldn't think to tell you what you are doing wrong with your life.

My big boy

I don't like to single out my kids. I know that they are different people and that they are living different lives... but for some reason I like to always have equal amounts of updating per kid... as to not leave anyone out. This particular example was earned.. so I'm gonna let my equality scale slide a little bit.
Our big boy Holden... our little man who I was convinced would take his " noonie" ( pacifier) to college... has given up his noonie. It has been 5 days now and there hasn't been one request for his noonie at bedtime.
Our babysitter , Brittany came over last Saturday night for a few hours while we attended a Holiday party in our neighborhood. Apparently Miss Brit couldn't find the noonie...but all was well, Hipster fell asleep on one condition: "Santa will bring me a new firetruck." Okay then.. Santa.. if you are listening: we have an order for 1 riding firetruck, please. Our big boy earned it.
Millie told me " I don't want any new toys, I just want my noonie. hmmpff!( exaggerated crossed arms and a big frownie face.)" Ha... that's my girl.

29 weeks

I had my weekly check up with Dr Ratner today and all is well. I actually lost 2 pounds.. .which was a good thing since last week I gained 3 lbs.( 2 lbs of the gain was in water) Dr. Ratner was his usual self with his : " I will be thrilled if this baby is still in you in 3 weeks" stuff. I laughed at him and knew that he is just preparing me if anything DOES happen between now and then. Millie accompanied me since she was home from School today. School policy frowns upon parents who send their kids to school with fevers of 104 w/ raging coughs. Poor little thing was a coughing fool pretty much all night and all day. After our visit to Dr. Ratner's together, Millie and I went and purchased her a pair of snow boots, picked up some lunch,and rode a train through White Flint Mall. She BEGGED to ride this train ( a little train that drives all around the first floor of the mall.. pretty cute I gotta say... & totally cool if you're 3' tall and 4 years old.) Millie thoroughly enjoyed the ride. I thoroughly enjoyed knowing that she was happy. I was not however, thrilled about stuffing my pregnant body into a caboose... but we all survived.
Millie and I picked up Holden from school @ 3... and took a trip to good ol' Dr. Gober's ( pediatrician) so Dr. G could " take a listen" to Millie's chest. It was decided that Millicent has bronchitis, and he was quick to put her on some antibiotics. Dr. G isn' the " prescribing" type of Doctor, so I figure, this must be a serious case, or he'd just tell me to " watch her and give her some popsicles." Holden was happy to join us... just for the lollipop @ the end of the visit. :) After seeing Dr. G, we headed to the grocery store to fill the prescription, and pick up some odds and ends to get us through the night and breakfast in the AM. When we returned home the braxton hicks started up big time. I've had braxton hicks before , but this was something to actually make me call my sister and see what labor felt like. My back was kinda hurting, I really felt like I had to go " to the bathroom" ( wink) and my stomach tightened every 6-10 minutes for over an hour. I drank a ton of water, got the kids into bed, and rested on my left side for about an hour. Things seem better now. I am still getting tight every couple of minutes, but the intensity of the "contraction" isn't as bad and the tightening isn't lasting nearly as long. All night I kept thinking, " oh man.. I just sent 2 new pairs of pants to the taylor to get hemmed! & if I deliver this baby tonight, I won't ever get to wear them!" What a waste! I also scurried around straightening up in fear that I was going to have to go to the hospital,and return to the mass chaos that is my home at this point. I quickly folded some laundry and put it away. I cleaned the kitchen, and took out some recycling. I made sure that everything was out and obvious, just in case my mom was going to come down and pick up where I left off while I sat in the NICU with Tiny. Luckily, I think all the fuss was for nothing, and proved to me that the house needs to stay somewhat organized for the next couple of months... so when it's "time" I won't have to worry about the condition of the house while I'm gone. Okay I need to go wake up Parker ( he's sound asleep upstairs) so he can take out the trash. It's been over a week... things could get very ugly if we put this off any more. Okay... off to bed for me. Tomorrow, I think I'll try and take it easy so I don't throw myself into a labor inducing tizzy. I think I just over did it today.

Tiz the season

Ya know... I try. I try so hard I almost outdo how hard I am trying to begin with. Things have been going relatively well since the kids were enrolled in an all day jr. kindergarten. Yep they are in school from 9am-3pm. They are stimulated, entertained,nurtured, and fed. I felt a lot of guilt about enrolling them in this program since they are only 4 years old.. but I have so many doctor's appointments, it only makes sense to set the peeps up with some consistency. SO Jr K it is! They have been loving the program. So I feel like we made a good decision ... especially with the possible early delivery of Tiny right around the corner. ( 3 weeks from now) I am currently trying my hardest to remember that feeling of " I want my babies around me at all times"... that " I don't want my babies to grow up"... stuff we all feel when they are small. After tonight's display.. I am researching nursery schools w/ a boarding school option. After days of begging from the kids to decorate for Christmas... I started pulling out the holiday decor. Whilst wrapping STUPID TANGLED lights around a small tree... MY children.... the children I always thought were somewhat well behaved... decided that it would be a good idea to run around the first floor of our home w/snowman salt and pepper shakers ( snowman salt and pepper shakers I don't even like ( a little too hallmark country kitchen)... but were a gift... so I have to use them)and pour salt and pepper all over the place. People I'm telling you... sounds came out of my mouth that didn't even sound human. I have never in all of my days screamed the way I screamed at that moment in time. Millie looked at me and said in a very serious voice" YOU'RE NOT NICE." I responded w/ a very clear, teeth clenched... " I am the nicest thing that has ever happened to you.. and you 2 just poured salt and pepper all over the floor... you wanna tell me what's nice about that? Now, not only do I have to clean up.. I have to pee my pants every 3 seconds from sneezing while I fix this mess. If I were you I'd stop telling me that I'm not nice... and I get to your room." The kids ran into their rooms laughing. I seriously debated in my very groggy head just walking out the front door... but decided that I would be uncomfortable since 1) I'm in nothing but a kinda tight , braless maternity shirt and some granny panties. & 2) it's cold. + A few of my neighbors already think I'm weird... I think a sight like that would pretty much clinch it for them. I know poor Tiny is wondering , "uh... what the?" I am so tired of this 4 year old crap I could spit. But hey, happy holidays everyone... oh and one more thing... if you have kids.. hide the ol' salt and pepper shakers and save yourself the trouble.

Thump thump, thump thump

Okay so, Tiny and I saw Dr. Doroshow ( pediatric cardiologist) this afternoon to check and see how the ol' tricuspid regurgitation was doing. Dr. Doroshow's hope was to find that after a month, the T.R. had resolved itself... and all was well. What Dr. D found wasn't bad per se... but it wasn't great. It seems that the amount of regurgitation on the tricuspid valve from the aorta had increased slightly. Nothing to write home about... still not an issue.. it's just that if the valve continues to leak ... the heart muscle will stretch. We don't want that. Stretching of the heart muscle causes erythema... yada yada... basically we don't want the heart to stretch. I asked her what to expect if the next time I come in ( in 4 weeks) and the TR hasn't resolved. She said " we'll deliver the baby. Tricuspid regurgitation at this level will resolve itself after delivery, since the circulatory system changes after birth ( no placenta etc...) To avoid the heart from un-do stress we'd just deliver and watch nature do it's job." So yep... there is a slight possibility that I will deliver Tiny in 4 weeks... which puts me @ almost 32 weeks. I am currently 27 weeks and 5 days... a major milestone for us: This is the day ( gestationally) that Millie and Holden were born. I'm feeling pretty good about not delivering a " micro preemie." ( babies born under 27 weeks and under 1500 grams)

Tiny is very active these days. Kicking mostly my ribs and my right side. My belly button is getting ready to blow out. My face is definitely getting rounder... along with my thighs and arms. It's all part of my " lovely lady lumps" package. Holden's new favorite song to sing is : "My Humps." As much as I loathe hip hop music... I gotta tell you there is nothing funnier than a 4 year old boy skipping through the house singing " my lumps, my lumps, my lovely lady lumps... in the back and in the front" Thanks a lot Black Eyed Peas! heeeeeeeeee

I see Dr. Ratner in the morning. I'm sure I'll hear all about how I'm gonna " go early." I 'll just nod and smile... and know that for today ~all is well.
We are traveling to OCMD for Thanksgiving. It should be a fun time. I hope I don't swell up on the drive. You know how I love to have anxiety attacks ... and Parker, well, he just can't deal with the drama. :) I know that Thanksgiving will be extra special this year. We sure have a lot to be thankful for...

I hope everyone has a nice Holiday weekend. I will update when we return.

bad picture... ob update

So here you have it... I got a "baby blessing" henna'd on my belly. A little before and after shot for ya. I'm gonna get my belly re-inked because obviously the henna didn't set in my skin very well. We'll see how it goes the next time around.





An update on my visit to Dr. Landy ( OB) today.

Tiny feels,measures, and sounds great. My weight is good, my BP was great( 120/60) and of course my pee had protein in it .( it's been there since I was 13) Nothing to be worried about.
Dr Landy said " now this is when the fun begins." I said, " uhh what fun?" She said " I will see you in 2 weeks. After that I will see you each week. You will also start having biophysical profiles done every 7 days for 2 weeks ... then bi-weekly after that until you deliver." I stopped her and said " okayyy, but do tell, what is a biophysical profle exactly? " She explained that it is very detailed sonogram and it is important to keep tabs on the amount of amniotic fluid around the babe and to document the types of movements the baby is making... to see if the baby is stressed out. So now let's get this straight: I see Dr.Ratner ( endocrinologist) every 7 days... Dr. Landy every 7 days... a biophysical profile every 7 days for 2 weeks,then 2 times a week...a regular sonogram ( for measurements) every 3 weeks, and a fetal echocardiogram.( just one of those luckily) Okay. YOY. That seems like a lot of trips to Georgetown and Eastern market each week. I knew this was in the cards.. so I'm not surprised, but it seems that time kinda flew there. I wasn't expecting this for a long time . Dr. Landy is still holding steady at me delivering at 38 weeks. I think I like her tune a little better than Dr. R's. He's so pessimistic. ( Maybe he's realistic.. but still I'd prefer not to have a preemie. )

Okay.. my very overtired/undernapped children need to eat and read some bed time stories.

We will be attending 4.. count them 4 birthday parties this weekend. Wish me luck. I'm exhausted already.
Yawnnn.

3.. yes 3 doctors appointments in one day.

I gotta tell ya.. I'm a little worn out tonight. The day started at 5 am. Since I have some kidney issues... yes, just like on Steele Magnolias, Dr. Ratner requires me to do a "24 hour urine" once a month. 24 hour urine= I cannot flush one single drop of pee down the toilet. All must be caught in a sterile container. ( provided by my friendly endocrinologist) When I have to do a 24 hour urine.. .I typically stay home all day, 'cause lemme tell you.. there's nothin' cooler( or easier) than walking around with the contents of your bladder in a bag all darn day. I started the 24 hour urine by accident @ 5 am the day before.. .so yes you guessd it.. I had to finish the collection @ 5am today. I tried to go back to sleep, but I ( along with Holden and Parker) have a nasty cough... Which kept me pretty much awake until 7, when I had to get up to start the day. I somehow got the kids ready for school... lunches packed, and off to Jefferson @ Fieldcrest just in the nick of time. It was only 9:15 when I dropped them off, and I was already exhausted.

I had a sonogram appointment @ 10:30 ( which is my usual time). I drove down 270 and all of a sudden: major back up... so I veered off to take back roads. I know it didn't save any time ( because the roads were crowded, and there were a ton of lights ( seemingly all red lights) and I squeezed into the office 5 minutes late. The report on Tiny: Tiny is currently transverse ( sideways.. for those of you not up on the lingo) Butt to the left of my belly button.. head to the right of my belly button. Tiny has been in this position for about a week from what I can tell. Holden was in the same position when they were born ( hence Suze's c-section) It must be a family thing. Tiny is measuring 28 weeks and 6 days in most of the body parts that were measured. ( head/abdomen/femur) Tiny has huge cheeks...and I think I saw a weiner. Not positive... but I won't be surprised if a boy pops out. ( now if Parker and I could decide on a boy's name, all would be fine... whole other story)
Off to Dr. Ratner's office for my weekly visit: Everything was fine. We are fine tuning my alternate( nighttime) basal ( automatic insulin setting) . Dr. R is holding steady at me delivering @ 30-32 weeks. He told me that he was at a Gestational Diabetes conference in San Francisco this past week and he spoke with the "top OB in L.A." and the fancy schmancy OB from LA concurred that the baby would arrive @ about 32 weeks. I finally got up the courage to say "why the heck are you signing me up for a preemie again?Jeesh!" Dr. Ratner explained that since I am walking around w/ 3 sympotms of pre-eclampsia( edema/high blood pressure/kidney failure) even when I'm not pregnant... that there is a 99.00% chance I will develop pre-e at about 30 weeks... and the goal is not to develop eclampsia. Okay. Fine then, I'm glad Tiny weighs more than Millie did when she was born. Tiny at least has size on his/her side.
After my appointment with Dr. Ratner, I scooted on over to Washington Hospital Center for my appointment at the echo lab... to get hooked up on a holter monitor( 24 hour heart monitor that traces heart fluctuations. I have to wear one because I kept fainting.) I waited over an hour to be seen because of some miscommunications between Dr. Ratner's office and the echo lab. Grrr. Finally I was set up. As usual I was approached by a stranger asking for " help" w/ some story of suffering etc... I turned the guy asking for a ride to Irving street down and got in the car.UG I hate that ! It was 3:45pm. I attempted to get to the kids' school in rain storms and rush hour. I'm sure my Holter monitor was freaking out. I called Parker because I didn't move an inch for 25 minutes. Finally after an hour and a half, the traffic moved a little bit. I called PArker and told him to stay @ work.. and I very slowly rolled into the kids' school @ 6:05 ( 6:15 is the cut off... and the teachers talk about you behind your back) The kids were concerned that I was so late, and Millie fell asleep in the car 2 minutes after I strapped her in her car seat. Poor little bean.
So needless to say I am exhausted. Everything seems fine for now. I have an OB appointment on Friday morning, and a fetal echo next week... to check up on Tiny's pesky tricuspid regurgitation( sp?) issue . OY. Time is whittling away and I still have so much to do... but it's fine. :)

week 27... and what's this??

Yes friends... it seems that the ugly morning sickness monster has reared it's ugly head once again. Yep I am plagued in the morning, and late in the evening. Luckily, it's not quite as bad as it was in the first trimester, but it's enough to irritate me. Grr.

I am in major nesting mode. Our home ( as some of you know) is pretty much always in a major state of disarray. ( sp?) Parker kindly heard my pleas to move Tiny's crib/ rocker. He helped me get through a very bad mood when I couldn't find the dumb allen wrench. Luckily , my friend Brandi had an allen wrench that fit... so we were saved! Thanks Bran! We moved a little bit of furniture around, and straightened the little sitting room off the back of our bedroom. I think it will do the trick as we get through the first couple of months w/ Tiny in our home. I can see tiny cobedding for awhile with us... and then transitioning to the sitting room. Then off to an official bedroom where s/he will stay. I am glad to be able to cross " set up Tiny's room" off of my very long " things to do before Tiny is born" list.
I have officially cut Millie and Holden off from their afternoon nap. It seems that HIP cannot fall asleep until after midnight if he sleeps for any amount of time during the day. Cutting them off from a typical 3 hour afternoon nap hasn't been easy. They fight like cats and dogs from noon until 7:30pm. Then~ for procrastinator's reasons... they play like best friends ( running naked around the house squealing and laughing... while I try to grab them and throw their bodies into pajamas, and brush their teeth) until I literally place them and hold them in bed @ 9pm. This has been going on for a while now...and I gotta tell you ~ I AM EXHAUSTED BEYOND BELIEF. Again~ anyone who says they want(ed) twins HAS NO IDEA WHAT THAT STATEMENT MEANS. Because let me just tell you: having 4 year old twins is not fun about 75% of the time. Hopefully I can get them into the after school program... so @ least they aren't fighting inbetween the hours of 12 & 3pm. Their inability to share/watch the same tv show/ride bikes w/ out arguing over where where we're going to ride bikes/do puzzles/read/ draw/listen to music/play with friends/ play on the swingset/ even hold my hand ( yes they fight over who gets to hold which one of my hands) is purely exhausting... and I find myself wondering what in the heck I was thinking when I wanted another kid. I assume we will adjust.. but for now , I am trying my hardest to get things "settled" before introducing more ( Tiny) to the already exsisting chaos.

I'm a little behind on the belly pics... but this one was kinda fun so I decided to use it... you know, since all of my kids are in this one.
Yes, Millie is in her undies... and Holden was trying to stick his finger in my belly button ( hence the sneaky look on his face) Tiny is in there hanging on my ribs... you can't see it.. but let me just tell you... that's what s/he is doing pretty much all of the time.
I have started seeing Dr. Ratner ( endocrinologist) every 7 days. We had a little swelling scare... so he decided it was time for weekly visits. So far everything seems okay. At every visit he gets very serious at the end and says stuff like " I don't want to scare you, but I'm pretty sure you are going to deliver anywhere between 30 and 35 weeks. You will be put in the hospital when I think the swelling is severe enough that you need to be watched 24 hours a day." (yada yada yada... etc...) Meanwhile my OB says " you tell Bob ( Dr. Ratner) that I know how to do my job and you will deliver at about 38 weeks." Okay people... let's not fight.. and also let's not get the pregnant girl into a tizzy. So far, I'm the most relaxed in the this equation. My blood pressures have been stable and in the the 115/60 range pretty much across the board. I'm not sure why Dr. Ratner doesn't just think the swelling in my legs is typical pregnancy swelling. However.. I did gain 5 lbs in 2 weeks... and he thinks it's water weight. Oh well.. only time will tell... and in that time I think I'll just chill out and enjoy this experience.
I finally wigged out because we're gonna have another kid. Last night as I was tucking the kids into bed.. it dawned on me. WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHER KID IN LESS THAN 3 MONTHS. Fears of not being able to bond ( something I struggled with with Millie and Holden for about a year)... not wanting to take care of another kid... frustration... fears of not being able to handle Millie and Holden AND a baby.... breastfeeding fears... you know... the works. I know everyone goes through this so I just closed my eyes and knew that everything would be okay. It was just kinda weird, since all I've ever wanted was a "big" family. I'm glad I didn't get all skeeved out and panicky.Panic attacks are so awful.. and poor Parker just doesn't know what to do with me... so he usually leaves the room all flustered. I know everything will be fine. I just had to think too much for a few minutes there.

On a totally girly note: I went and bought some new make up today. Nothing fancy... just stuff from CVS. I'm not really a make up girl... but Parker and I are going to the Symphony on Thursday night... and I'm tired of attending things in nothing but foundation... cheap blush and mascara. It's funny how I prefer to go natural.. but for some reason lately I've felt like a big dog... so covering my face w/ powder and goop makes me feel " grown up." HA SO weird. I'm gonna look back on this in a few years and think to myself " OH BARF." For now... I feel pretty... oh so pretty .. I feel pretty and witty and... well, not gay... but hey I support equality... so if I feel as pretty as my hairdresser feels after he tells me all about the new sweater he knitted for his friend's puppy... then I guess I feel as pretty as my big gay hairdresser. :) Ohh excuse me.. "stylist."

Okay I have a slew of junk to do around here... let the nesting BEGIN!

I'm trying here

Yeah yeah, it's Halloween. I secretly hate it. I think it stems back to the fact that I have had diabetes since I was 2 years old, and every halloween I had to hand over my loot to Suze with no argument or sadness. Suze did have more cavities than I did, but I don't think it was because of halloween. :) Given my current state of complete depression over Scarlett's passing, I was completely lame on the costumes this year. In the past I prided myself in my seemingly original costumes for Millie & Holden. Their first halloween, they were a punkin' patch. ( picture 2 neonates hooked up to every monitor in the room, along w/ IVs in every limb and I think they may have been pretty much naked and only allowed to wear preemie diapers ( which are no bigger than a panty liner) I sewed up some fleece pumpkin hats and called them a patch) Halloween 2: Thing one and Thing 2. Halloween 3: Monkey See and Monkey Do. Halloween 4: The Wonder Twins. Halloween 5: Salt and Pepper shakers.... but only hats. I tried, I really did. I just couldn't get motivated to make more that I HAD to. I'm at that point where I'm not sure if I dreamed that Scarlett died, and knowing full well that she is indeed dead. I know that over time this feeling will fade, but for now things are very hard. Holden was playing "doggie " today and he crawled up to me and said, " mom, guess what I am?" I said, "what pal?" and he said " I'm a new dog, a better dog, since we only have one dog now." Both kids seem to understand that Scarlett is gone, but not forgotten. I'm the one who needs convincing.
I volunteered at the kids' school for their Halloween hat parade ( hence : hats) and helped served up lunch of Mac & cheese ( brains) / celery and cream cheese w/ raisins lined up on top (bugs on a log) and green pudding w/ grapes ( green slime w/ eyeballs). Pictures will be posted... when I get motivated to actually upload the pictures off of the camera. Millie cried every time she saw me... and HIP attached himself to my leg and had to be "extracted." I get very annoyed with all of this behavior, but knew that this past weekend was overwhelming to them, and to let this day slide.
Regardless of the lack of true costume, Millie and Holden seemed to really enjoy Halloween. They trick or treated in their hats and explained that they were salt and pepper shakers, and our understanding neighbors got a genuine kick out of Millie and Holden's enthusiasum. They made it to about 10 houses, and Millie said " I have a headache from this Halloween, can we please go home mom?" That was music to my ears, and Holden seemed rather pleased w/his collection of booty, so we walked home. The kids pounded 1/4 pound of candy when we walked in the door, and were almost accepting of the fact that they weren't going to eat ALL of the candy they were given... tonight. After the sugar high kicked in ( ie: Millie was trying to tackle Holden in the kitchen) we scurried them to the bath... and off to dreamland.
Halloween was quiet this year. Usually Halloween involves a dog barking every time there is a knock on the door, and me stressing out over the fuss. Not this year. Ruby doesn't really care if people knock on the door or not. As much as I hated when Scarlett made such a fuss, tonight, I missed the ruckus. I miss my good girl.
Oh , and a quick update on the decision we made on Scarlett's final resting place: we buried her in Bel Air. I just couldn't cremate her. My dad and Parker built her a nice coffin, and we laid her on some foam and wrapped her in a blanket. I wrote her a nice note and thanked her for being my good girl. We included some pictures of Scarlett with the family ... just in case the casket was discovered and the people who find it are curious about the remains. Do I think the pictures will still be in good condition? No... but it made me feel better. The kids took turns tossing dirt on her grave.( in true Jewish burial fashion) It was so hard, but I know that Scarlett loved " puppy camp" and she would be glad to be on the farm for eternity. I know I feel the same way. The farm is a safe haven. I feel good about the decision we made for her. It was hard to come home without her, but I know she's not suffering anymore, and "Beanie and Papa" will make sure that her grave site is maintained and dignified. Sigh. This is so hard.

No words

Just reporting that our beloved Scarlett " returned to the Earth" last night. She died right next to me. We were sitting in the family room and she finally ( after hours of struggling to breathe) took her last breath. I had been sitting on the floor with her telling her that it was " okay to go." Suze was nursing Ginger, and Millie and Holden were making major mischeif . My regret was that I didn't have my hand on her when she died. ( I was busy disciplining my kids) I desperately wanted to feel her slip away. I wanted her to know that I would always be with her... as she will always be with me. Her death was peaceful and dignified. Just as we had hoped it would be. I am struggling with the idea of cremating her. I think I want her body whole. The only problem is : I'm not sure how long we will live in Gaithersburg, and I don't want to leave her body if we move.. so burying her in Gaithersburg is kinda "out." Burying her in Bel Air is safe... but I want her close to me. I know, I'm being difficult. I'm just confused.

Anyways, I am full of sadness on this day, and I will probably be this way for a long, long time.

Have you ever?

Let's play a game. It's called " have you ever?" ( I just made it up.)

I'll suggest a task.. and you come up with an answer that suits you.( answers in the comments section would be greatly appreciated)
Okay here we go:
1) Have you ever had to make a decision to euthanize a beloved pet? ( and not have the strength to do it... and also not have the strength to watch your pet suffer with each breath?)

2) Have you ever: had to figure out how to get your 4 year old to stop talking back? ( I don't mean just talking back, I mean: when told to stop talking and put his head on his pillow and go to sleep, the child responds with a loud "Daddy is gonna be so mad at you for being angry at us." and when I responded with a teeth clenching " I am in charge right now. " The child responds with a rather stern, " NO YOU'RE NOT." I am not pro spanking. I do not believe in belittling a child's spirit to come out the more dominant person in the equation... but I have a neighbor who spanks regularly ( because God gave her the power to do so)... and I'm not afraid to send my kids down to her for a quick lesson on how cool I really am.

3) Have you ever had to use a mirror to insert an insulin infusion site into your back... and the only way to see what the heck you are doing is to use a mirror for guidance?( probably not... but I had to get that one off my chest)

4) Have you ever wanted to eat an entire 4 person serving of au gratin potatoes all by yourself, but you weren't able to take one bite because your low sodium diet won't allow it?

5) have you ever tried to come up with a name for your small company, but had no luck, hence: no motivation? ( I think I want to call my baby carrier company " Good Girl Scarlett baby carriers" but it doesn't seem to fit the product description... so now I'm back at square one)

6) Have you ever wanted to just scream at a person who calls herself your friend, but continues to annoy the crap out of you at your expense? ( see: CC)

7) Have you ever been proud of yourself because your mom calls and asks YOU for advice on how to manage her diabetes? ( WOW)

8) Have you ever wondered what life would be like if there really WAS a laundry fairy?

9) Have you ever felt bad because you threatened to take away a field trip to a pumpkin patch because of bad behavior? ( in search of that elusive " respect" all the other parents seem to get from their kids) & Secretly was glad when your kids were really, I mean really, upset?

10 ) have you ever wanted to start the day over and try again?

I know, I know.. it's been a while...

Okay. So I slacked. To make up for it.. here are a few updates.

On Tiny: Tiny is now measuring exactly 22 weeks in almost every measurement. ( except his/her belly... that is measuring a healthy 24 weeks) Tiny is 9" long and weighs 1 # 5 oz. We had to get a fetal echocardiogram done yesterday because apparently babies carried by diabetics have higher risks of having heart defects. According to the cardiologist, it was "almost silly" to have this procedure done because a woman w/ an A1C of 6.0 is not unlike the general population as far as carrying risks to her baby. As long as I keep my control tight, Tiny shouldn't be in any danger. Turns out that Tiny has something called "Tricuspid regurgitation."Tricuspid regurgitation is a disorder involving backward flow of blood across the tricuspid valve which separates the right ventricle (lower heart chamber) from the right atrium (upper heart chamber). Dr. Doroshow ( pediatric cardiologist) said that every baby has tricuspid regurgitation @ 22 weeks... it's just that Tiny ( who's heart is the size of a dime)seems to be showing a little more than average. The degree of this is so minor that it really isn't anything to worry about at this point. She would like to see us back in a month just to see if the condition is resolving or progressing. She said that maybe, just maybe a neonatologist should be present during the delivery... just to play it safe. SO we have that goin' for us.. which is nice.
On me: Upon leaving the cardiologist's office yesterday, I was overcome w/ sickness. I couldn't catch my breath. I was light headed, and literally felt like I was going to pass out in the parking lot. I got in my car and took a rest. I decided that it would be okay for me just to get home so I could lie down. I drove to Glen Echo ( about 4 miles away from Georgetown Hospital) and couldn't drive anymore, I was too worn out, my heart was beating SO HARD, and I was still very much out of breath. I put a call into Dr. Ratner. Of course he was in a meeting and couldn't be contacted. I called my OB and she was triple booked and said that if I wasn't feeling any better in a half an hour to go to labor and delivery to be evaluated. I was kinda paralyzed. I couldn't drive. Parker was up to his head in work stuff and I wasn't gonna drag him over to pick me up. An ambulance was silly. So, I took a nap in my car. After the nap, I drove very slowly back to the kids' school... and we came home, where I laid on the couch until 2 am. I really thought I was going to die. I had every symptom of pre- eclampsia except for one very important thing: my blood pressure was 75/46 ( <- & that ain't no high blood pressure) I developed keytones( A natural byproduct of anyone burning fat( not eating enough) is the formation of some ketones) in my urine because I had only eaten a crumpet, a granola bar and drank 2 liters of water all day. My mom came down to take care of the kids, because Parker had to take Scarlett into the ER to get tapped. Poor dog is starting to whine a lot... and her breathing is becoming very labored. She is hardly putting any weight on her front right leg. Scarlett takes 3 codeine pills a day now, and it just doesn't seem to help her at all. Okay, so I laid on the couch for 8 hours & finally got myself up to bed. I could not get comfortable all night, but I slept nevertheless. I felt a little bit better in the morning and was fine by the time I had to see Dr. Ratner @ 2pm. Dr. Ratner said I probably had a severe vegal response.( basically a response to a faint) He said that since I was on my back for so long during the fetal echo my circulation/ blood pressure was all out of whack, and basically just that action of lying flat on my back kicked my butt all darn day. He was concerned that my heartrate was 99, and ordered a cardiogram for me. Luckily my friend and phlebotomist Tatamika had to do the cardiogram on me. I said, "Tatamika, do I need to take off my bra for this procedure?" Tatamika responded by saying, "yes... but don't worry, I don't wanna look at your ticklebits." Seriously, I almost fell off the table laughing so hard. Tatamika is hilarious. Now don't get me wrong, I have fallen off of a table at a doctor's office in the past... but not from laughing. Picture it: we were in the middle of the IVF procedure, and I had a broken arm. ( snowboarding) I was in the office for a follicle check and my foot slipped off of one of the stirrups, and I fell off the table... pants off.. the works. Nice. Back to the point: my cardiogram came back fine yesterday. Tatamika didn't make fun of my "ticklebits" ( at least to my face) So all is currently well. Update on kids: Millicent Susan and Holden Iaquinta turned 4 last week. Ahh yesss... this is the time of year that I get all nostalgic. The color of the leaves, the cool evenings, the bright moon filled nights.. and oh yeah, the constant reminder that my kids endured 5 surgeries, and lived in the NICU @ St. Joseph's Medical Center in Baltimore for 3 months. I am thankful for what we experienced. It was a humbling introduction to parenthood. I think that if Millie and Holden were born at term, I would have been WAY more cocky. I know people who are cocky about parenthood. I hear them fussing over rules and regulations... feedings, who sleeps where and when, the best strollers on the market, and what kind of car has the safest crash test ratings. Who holds the baby and when.... & I hear them discussing activities and outings, like the world is lucky to have them. I will never be one of those parents, because I feel lucky to have my children at all, and I want to share them and their life stories with anyone who cares to listen., but I will never force info. It's not fair to my children. I feel like I can be the parent I am because Millie and Holden were 12 weeks early, and deathly ill, I learned to let life happen... not to try to control everything. Parents of healthy babies don't have that luxury. I don't mean to sound judgemental here, but do all parents look at their babies like it's the last time they would ever see them, and be thankful for that very moment in time? Parker and I did... and I know I still do. I can't speak for Parker. :) As hard as the tough times w/ discipline have been, I value those moments of stubborness and grace more than most lessons I have learned elsewhere. Millie and Holden enjoyed everything about their birthday this year except for 1) missing circle time @ school because of a car accident that made us late. 2) the break out of head lice at school that made us turn our car around and go home,( ie: no cupcakes) 3) the rain & 4) sharing their birthday with each other. Seems that the dynamic duo didn't want each other around for the festivities. So basically they enjoyed the hot dog and french fries dinner, ( per request) the peanut butter ice cream cake a la Cold Stone, & the presents. They are still enjoying their : new watches, new boots,( Millicent desperately wanted pink boots) and remote control cars. Life is fun here at the Parker house. ( except for @ bedtime... there is nothing fun about getting 2 wound up 4 year olds in bed. People always say " ohhhh I wish we had twins.. .I ALWAYS wanted twins. yada yada yada..." Well that's all well and good, but before you set yourself up for something you have NO IDEA about... come on over here @ about 9pm... I bet you leave our house saying" woo I sure am glad I had singletons." ( just ask Parker... he definitely has my back on this one.) )
All in all we are settling into the second trimester pretty well. I have accepted the fact that I am having a harder time breathing because Tiny is hogging up my abdomen. I have also accepted the fact that my boobs ( or " ticklebits" whatever you prefer) are unrecognizeably huge, and that's okay. Also the fact that my thighs rub, and I have noticed cellulite on my butt and fat rolls on my back are things I wished for for 8 years. AS funny as I feel like I look, I am okay with it. I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

Gained

I saw both Drs Landy and Dr. Ratner this week. Dr. Landy said that Tiny isn't too big and to stop worrying about that. My A1C is 6.0 which is where it should be, so I can't guilt myself into the blame for Tiny's growth spurt. My blood pressure was 110/60,and according to Dr. Landy's scale, I have gained 8lbs total. Yay. Dr Ratner on the other hand said that I have gained 14 lbs total, and that it's not fluid, so I need to stop eating so much. Okay I didn't think I WAS eating that much. SO I have to rearrange my diet for a little while. The other development is the size of my boobs. I didn't notice the growth until Parker informed me that my bra was obviously too small. ( apparently he could see the outline of my bra through my sweater... not good) I went into Mimi Maternity wearing a 34 B. I left wearing ( and I hope you are sitting while you are reading this) a 4o D. I kept trying on bras and I was spilling out of each one. The woman at the store came in with a 38 D and a back extender. That did the trick. Now... one of the big ( no pun intended) problem is : I can't see over my huge boobs to insert my pump catheter. I literally had to use a small mirror and try to push my boob out of the way to try to insert the needle. MAN! These things are BIG. I wanted to say to Dr. Ratner: maybe I have gained 14 lbs.. but you have to allow me 5 pounds per boob. I have noticed that my face is starting to get a little round ( I think I look the way I looked in high school ( if you were @ go JC.. you'll know what I'm talking about. I'm not as round as Ring Dance w/ Pete Tapley... but I'm getting there. ) )Parker and my mom said that my face hasn't changed, but I know they are lying. (:P) Dr. Ratner also informed me that Tiny will probably be born between 33 & 35 weeks. He said " the minute you show ANY signs of pre-eclampsia after 32 weeks we will consider inducing you." We talked about NICU stays etc.. but he was very assuring when he said that the babe wouldn't need to stay in the NICU unless some "preemie complications arise." SO that means that I have 14 more weeks tops. I'm not ready. I need more time. Oh I know I'm jumping the gun here, I must simmer down.Deep cleansing breaths. Okay I better hit it. HIP is home from school barfing today. I should probably stop ignoring my exsisting child's needs. More from me later.

halfway there

due to the fact that my hair was due for a trim over 2 months ago, and my face is covered in acne, and I feel ugly... you do not get a picture of my face in this belly shot. ( I am a major " butterface")I am definitely growing. I feel pretty good hitting the 20 week mark. It kinda feels like I've already been pregnant for a lonnggggg time, but I'm in NO hurry to deliver this baby. ( remember my kids were born almost 8 weeks from now... and I can definitely wait longer than that. ) Tiny is a kicking and hiccuping fool. There are days that my body is completely still... except I'm doing an involuntary belly dance. All in all I feel good. Tired, but good. The swelling is down in my ankles and feet, which is great. I will start seeing my doctors once a week from now on. Anyways, I know, boring post... but these days I'm a bore. Other than that, I am focused on Scarlett and her well being. Millie and Holden are doing great. Loving school, and having a ball with their friends. I couldn't ask for more. I have to scoot, because my husband is home on a Sunday and freaking out because he can't see both of his children ( poor Millie can't even go to the bathroom in peace) If he yells " where are you guys???! " at the top of his lungs one more time... oh nevermind, I won't do a thing. I'm too tired to deal.

It's been swell, but the swelling has gone down

Ya know it's always something. I should know that. Dr. Ratner wanted to see me " right away" to assess the swelling in my legs. I made an appointment for Tuesday afternoon. The swelling in my legs was pretty much gone, but he still wanted to make sure all was well. I gained a pound and a half in 5 days... which didn't sit right with Dr. R. I had a " trace" of fluid retention, and my blood pressure was 147/76. He looked at me and said " your blood pressure is high." I asked if stress could contribute to the rise in blood pressure. He said " sure". I explained that on the way to the clinic, I received a phone call from Scarlett's oncologist, and was told that the chemo didn't work, and if anything , it made things worse for Scarlett. Dr. Calo( oncologist) suggested that we " make a decision for Scarlett." I was stunned and devastated. ( OBVIOUSLY) No more than 5 minutes after recieving the news that I might need to put my dog to sleep, because it's " more humane" I was having my blood pressure taken. Man this SUCKS! Dr. Ratner was sympathetic, and hopeful that the higher blood pressure was temporary while I adjusted to the bad news. Dr.Ratner advised me to cut out all salt, drink plenty of fluid,and when I am home " lie down." I asked if bedrest was in my future, he said " probably." SO I have all of this to look forward to.

We still don't know what to do for poor Scarlett. I will tell you this: I think we are going to wait for a " sign". Parker said " the idea of saying to Scarlett, ' let's go for a ride in the car' so we can drive her to get put to sleep is mean and wrong." I whole heartedly agree. Neither of us want her to suffer w/ plueral effusion, but we also don't feel like we can be the ones to decide to kill her. Thats' the cancer's job. Stupid cancer, I HATE YOU FOR HURTING MY FRIEND! I find myself wishing that she could just die in her sleep. I can't believe I am wishing for her death. What I REALLY wish for is a magical elixr that will make her stay around forever, disease free and happy. I guess that's what memories are made of. My dad always told me that when you stop remembering friends after they die... that's when they are gone forever. I hope I never forget her.

it's been swell

Okay a few things have happened since my last post. I was in too much a of a bad mood to post last week, so I decided to wait on posting, and get my head organized.

1) Wednesday AM: official sonogram. Tiny has all of his/her parts. ( no we don't know the gender) According to the sonogram tech, " This baby has great anatomy." That is the good news. The bad news : Tiny is measuring larger than s/he should. It's about 6 days too big on a few things ( head/belly) ... which spells out : my diabetes isn't as controlled as it should be. GRRR. Okay here's the thing. It's not like I'm not trying here. I am very consious about what I eat, how often I eat and how much insulin I bolus per meal. It makes me so mad that my doctors are seeing this as me slacking off. Now, that could be me interpreting the actions I saw at each of my appointments, but I can tell you, the tone was a lot different this week than in the past. Dr. Ratner said " this is a big baby, you need to tighten up you sugars." ARG! I'M TRYING!!!!! * sigh. Like I'm not obsessed enough, now I feel like I have to start over completely.
2) Scarlett had a pretty good week. She definitely took it easy. She took the steps a lot slower, slept a lot more, and ate a lot less. We decided to take watch how she did this past week and possibly take her to the beach to just hang out in the beautiful autumn air. I loaded up the car, and off we went to OCMD. Suze, Danny, & Ginger Ale were there, as well as my mom & dad. Oh yeah, and Dotsy ( Danny's mom, who is an OC local) was there a lot of the time too. We rolled up to my parent's place @ about 11:30pm. Kids were sleeping, Ginger was nursing, all was quiet. As I got all updated on how fast Ginger was growing ( she has gained one pound in 2 weeks) and her sleeping schedule, Parker heard a thud in the other room. He quietly came in and motioned to me to come into the other room with him, where I saw Scarlett laying in a pool of vomit. Her lips were grey, her gums were almost white, and she wasn't blinking. She was breathing VERY hard. I called our oncologist's office. It was decided that Scarlett had a vegal response ( when your blood pressure drops after barfing) but most likely needed to be seen in an ER. Most likely the barfing was a result of the chemo, and she needed to get a CBC ( complete blood count) to check and see if her white blood cell count was low. All of a sudden Scarlett popped up and was walking around like nothing had happened. We all honestly thought that that "was it" for Scarlett. She looked dead. I was so sad. I didn't know what to do or say. Parker wiped her up and she drank some water. This is so hard. I spent a few hours in the OC Veterinary hospital on Saturday. The good news: Scarlett is doing MUCH better. She went for a long boat ride with us and ended up sitting on my dad's boat for almost an hour ( alone) after we returned from our outing. The outing seemed to be just what she wished for. Millicent drove my dad's boat for about 20 minutes. She was hilarious. She sat on my dad's lap all serious. We told her to steer right or left, and when to slow down. Funny how a 3 year old has the confidence to just learn a new skill. I hope she keeps that confidence, I'm sad that the majority of my life I have been cautious about learning new skills. She's my little hero. Anyways, Scarlett then joined us for a long walk around my parent's neighborhood. For now, all is well.
3) We left OC @ about 9pm on Sunday, and arrived here at about midnight. I slept for the majority fo the trip. I am totally wiped out. It seems that the walk/ the constant activity/and the 3 hour drive made my legs swell. I was terrified. I got out of the shower and noticed that my ankles were gone. HUH? Already?( 19 weeks) Flashes of pre-eclampsia popped into my head. I went downstairs and showed Parker. We were terrified together. I checked my blood pressure , which was 118/64. Good. My hands weren't swollen, my face wasn't swollen, and I wasn't having any weird abdominal pain. I had a small anxiety attack, and was calmed down after Parker read a paragraph about pre-e in one of our many pregnancy books. Dr. Ratner says I'm a candidate for Pre- eclampsia, so I am being uber cautious. My ankles were back this morning, but they are definitely bigger than they were 2 days ago. So help me... if I get pre-eclampsia, I don't want to hear a single " I told you so"... I'm already moody enough, so watch your back.

8 years

So, 8 years ago yesterday was a good day. All of my friends and family were with me. The day was beautiful. I hadn't really a care in the world. Parker was the one in the yarmulke... I was the one in the wedding dress. We had a great time. ( except for when Parker wanted pigs in a blanket... and the photographer was posing us for stupid standard wedding shots, we fought then. Other than that all was happy.)
Little did I know that eight years from our wedding day would be so darn stressful. If I had known, I may have suggested getting married on September 21st instead?

My day started @ 5:45 am. I had to get Scarlett to the vet by 7 so she could be admitted for chemo. I kept thinking on my drive over to Potomac, " why the heck is there a traffic jam on 270, and the sun isn't even up yet?" I arrived back home before the sun rose, and started preparing for the day. I packed the kids' lunches, picked out everyone's clothes, gave everyone the " 20 more minutes warning," and was getting settled in for the day. I argued w/ 2 cranky almost 4 year olds about the importance of school, wrestled the boy version out of his bed and literally had to hold him down so he would stop crawling back under the covers. I negotiated 2 breakfasts, brushed 3 sets of teeth, and we were on the road. Miss Theresa helped me strong arm the girl variety of the dynamic duo out of her carseat, and I was off to Mount Rainier to my friend Margaret's ceramics studio. I asked Margaret if she would make us a box for Scarlett's ashes. I know: morbid. I just need to take care of details before I am a total wreck. Margaret was honored and is working on some designs for us. Check out her web page. She's AMAZING. http://www.margaretboozer.com.
Mapquest sent me the WRONG way to the studio... so I went 30 miles too far. GRR. Margaret directed me back to the studio and all was well. I loved the initial drawings and ideas she had for us. I had a doctor's appointment @ 1 so I scooted out of the studio...and drove on over to Eastern Market. Only to be told that my appointment was never put on the schedule. Double grr. I packed my stuff and drove back to Gaithersburg to pick up Millicent and Holden. The kids were fine, and we drove home. Peeps napped and so did I. Parker's mom showed up @ 5:30 so Parker and I could go out to dinner for our anniversary. My friend Heidi ( who is a vet)called me @ about 5:45 to tell me," you shouldn't be around Scarlett while she is undergoing chemo treatments, it's very dangerous to you and the baby." OKAY~ WHY DID'T THE ONCOLOGIST MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THE DANGERS TO MY UNBORN BABY? Triple grr. After many phone calls to various vets, it was decided that I shouldn't touch any " excrement" from Scarlett for 24 hours( not that I typically touch ANYONE'S excrement) and everything would be just fine. I picked our " doggie fresh" up from the vet at 6:30 and everything was a-okay. Scarlett was happy to see me.. and pulled me out to the car. Yay. I returned home, quickly changed my clothes , threw on some make up... and bolted out the door, only to remember after I had backed out of the driveway that I forgot to change my pump site. GRRRRR. Back in the house... up the steps... I did a quickie pump change and I flew out the door... only to realize that I really had to pee when I got in the car... so I went back in the house... pee'd... I returned to the car and I was on my way. We live in the "sticks" so night time driving is always precarious. Like a good driver, I was aware of the possibility of deer in the area. I had my high beams on...I was going 5mph under the speed limit... and WHAMO! a deer jumped into the grill of my van. I dragged that son-bitch 25 feet. I clentched my teeth, and finally felt my car come to a slow stop.I dreaded what I would find, or what I would do about the sitch. I heard something clunk under the front of the van, and all of a sudden that deer jumped out from under the front tires... and ran into the woods. SHEW! No bloody mess.. or massive guilt for killing an animal. ( not that it didn't go into the woods to die... I'm relieved I didn't have to deal with it... not stupid.) I hyperventilated myself to the gas station, filled the tank for under 70 bucks, and put a call into Parker explaining my horrendous day. Parker ( for those of you who don't know him) is not very good at empathy. He was mad that he had made reservations at a resturant, and now we were going to be late. OHHHH I was ready for the people at the resturant to tell us we couldn't eat dinner because we were late... let me att'em! After much ado... and a long night, Parker and I ate a nice dinner together. Sigh. So 8 years ago today Parker and I were on Catalina Island, probably eating lunch at this totally cool beach side lunch bar. He probably had the cheeseburger. I had the hotdog/cheeseburger combination sandwich. Funny, I could go for one of those right about now:)

To treat or not to treat.

Seems that HIP's blood works showed that he doesn't have diabetes. Okay then, how come I keep getting blood sugars above 150? I asked Dr gober, and he said " I have no idea." ( plain and simple.) SO we're kinda in this place of watch and wait. Maybe HIP is just thirsty? Maybe HIP has a virus that is forcing his liver to kicked out stored glucogens? Maybe HIP actually has diabetes and it's too early to tell. ???? All of these things are possible. So it looks like only time will tell at this point.

Now for Scarlett: We saw the Radiologist yesterday. He said that Scarlett's cancers are 2 different entities and they need to be treated differently. The 2 big problems are : 1) The bone cancer is extremely painful,and she is starting to limit her movement. Stairs are a big problem, getting in and out of the car is a big problem, & sometimes walking poses some issues. Dr. Boshoven ( radiologist) said that radiation will help shrink the tumor, therefore help with the pain. BUT he won't do radiation on her because of the plural effusion. ( anesthesia would kill her) Now, there is something called a " boom boom" that is 2 huge doses of chemo back to back that will be injected into Scarlett's body cavity. The chemo will soak into the malignant cells in the fluid surrounding her chest. AS the malignant cells die off, so will the plural effusion. After the plural effusion is better, he will do the radiation. The oncologist said that this treatment would only be recommended as a way to deal with pain management, " It won't cure her." I already knew that. The oncologist said that the " boom boom" will buy her 3-4 months. The radiologist said that the radiation will get her 4-6 months. As I was sitting there trying to absorb all of this I just jumped and said " let's do this, she's in so much pain." The oncologist said " good deal, let's get moving." The oncologist discussed other pain management options like narcotics, patches, and the like, and how her quality of life MAY or MAY NOT improve w/ all the treatments. While I was at the vet.. I didn't listen to any of that, I just sat there thinking that all of these treatments were going to keep Scarlett around much longer... Then it dawned on me... All of this would be FOR US. Does Scarlett want to go through all of this just to be with us for 4 more months? Chemo and radiation suck just as much for dogs as it does for people. Here is our dilemma: If we don't do chemo and radiation... Are we giving up on our friend?If we do treat her w/ chemo and radiation, are we torturing her,just to keep her with us? I have been trying to keep a healthy outlook on this. I've been thinking things like : noone lives forever, we were lucky to have her for the 11 years we did have her... better than not at all. Thoughts like : I will miss her so much that a huge part of me will die when she passes away... And I just don't know what I am going to do without her face always looking up at me agreeing with my every word?( even when I am being really stupid or awful) Then I get back to reality and think, Scarlett was put on this Earth to make us happy and to teach us lessons, and be our companion, but her time is fading away and it is time for her to become part of the Earth. I think that I would like to cremate her and plant some of her ashes with a nice flowering tree, so she will grow up in it's branches and I can hang onto the leaves and know that I am touching a part of her+ she will be giving back to the Earth. Scarlett is such a gift. I know she is just a dog,a dog like no other... but to me she was and is the ultimate teacher and friend. I was told yesterday to start thinking of ways to say goodbye to her, and you know what? I just have no idea how do say goodbye to one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me.

My mom never told be there would be days like this

This marks my single most painful day of the past year. I know that people are out there having worse days... so I'm not going to blow this stuff out of proportion, but I do need to whine a little bit.

We have noticed over the past few weeks that HIP has been pretty thirsty, peeing a lot, ( wetting the bed etc..) and a general crank. Out of curiosity, we checked his bloodsugar. The first time it was 156 ( remember that "normal" is between 80 & 120) We were a little bit worried, but settled down after we re-checked his sugar 2 hours later and it was down to 107. We had some other higher numbers inbetween, but nothing too frightening. On Sunday, HIP drank 2 8oz bottles of water, turned down juice or Sprite, and was in such a bad mood. We checked his bloodsugar and it was 180. Okay... then we were scared. I called our pediatrician who said " um with numbers like that, until proved otherwise, I'm gonna call this diabetes." Here's where my "guilt meter" goes berzerker. * sigh. I took HIP to the lab this morning to torture him through a slew of bloodwork. We will find out tomorrow if all this was a fluke, or if we are going to have yet another diabetic in the family. I am a little freaked out. I have a hard time taking care of MY diabetes... how am I going ot take care of HIS??? ( worry worry worry)

The second thing that went wrong today was : Scarlett was diagnosed with: Bone Cancer as well as advanced lung cancer and plural effusion.( fluid in the chest cavity) Parker took her to the appointment and he reported all this sadness to me. We have an appointment on Thursday to get Scarlett started on radiation/chemo to help shrink the tumor in her leg. Bone cancer is extremely painful, and we're so sad for her... we want to do anything possible to help her feel better. Radiation/ chemo won't cure her, but it should make her leg feel a little bit better... ad it's better than amputation. ( which is typically how bone cancers are cured, but since Scarlett's cancers are so advanced, why put her through more hell than necessary.) I'm having a nincreasingly hard time with all this cancer business. Scarlett is such a good girl, what will I do without her? I don't want her to suffer, but I can't kill my friend. I cannot make the decision ot put her down. It's too much. I wanna find her some doggie percaset ( sp?) or something so she can just feel woozy, not like she's dying.

The third and final thing that drove me into a downward spiral of a physical and emotional breakdown was : The director at the kids' school is expecting a baby in December, and I found out today that she is naming her babe the name Parker and I picked for "Tiny" ( if Tiny is a girl.) Parker adn I have been saying " who would name their baby "________?"(
SO there you have it. I'm tired, scared, and all around emotional. I know that the people suffering through hurricane Katrina's wrath are going through worse, but just for this second, on this day, I wanna pout, 'cause all of this is very hard.

The kids survived! YAY! After a 5:30 am phone call from Aunt Suze saying, " Ame, I'm having contractions and we are on our way to the hospital." I gathered myself together, made arrangements with Parker to get the kids to school, and got to Baltimore. ( after sitting in traffic for 2 hours) I witnessed my "first birth." It was awesome. Suze did a stellar job. Very inspiring to say the least. If I bet actual money I would've won.. since Suze delivered a healthy, happy and most beautiful baby girl, Virginia ( Ginger ) Elaine Roarty. Ginger weighed 7# 11oz, and she was 21 1/2 " long. It was fun talking to a brand new baby.Just seconds after the birth, Ginger was obviously screaming her little head off and I walked up and said , " Hey, Ginger Snap, what's wrong kid?" That baby stopped screaming, opened her eyes, and stared at me. I can tell she's a genius already. I couldn't be happier for Suze and Danny. I stuck around the hospital until about 4:30 and got back on the road to pick MS & HIP up from school. They greeted me at the door all smiles and happiness. They had a great day at school, and they were ready to come home and get some rest. Parker told me that on the way to school that morning, Millie and Holden debated if they would cry when they got to school, or not. Millie said that she wouldn't cry, but if Holden needed to, it would be okay. So funny. This morning's drop off wasn't quite as easy. Holden turned on the waterworks for a few minutes. That stuff always breaks my heart, but I know they're in a good place, so I drove off happily, for my 3 hours of peace. :)

Last day of summer

The kids start school in the morning. I am actually pretty glad. It's not that I don't love my children.( obviously) It's just that I know I'm not challenging them enough these days. Holden asked me today how carseats were made. I answered to the best of my ability, which in turn turned into a cat and mouse game of "why?" and " because." Which is driving me nuts. I am a much cooler mom when they go to school for a few hours each day. I get all the crap I hafta do , done in the morning, and when I pick them up, I'm relaxed and ready for the evening shift. We had a really fun summer, but it's time for structure. I attended a meeting @ the kids' school tonight, and I now remember why we chose Jefferson At Fieldcrest Montessori. ( a HUGE name for a teeny tiny school.) It's a family away from family. The teachers are amazing. The facilities have all the true basics w/ a little bit of homegrown flair. We love it. I am nervous about drop off ( Holden cried every single day of school last year) Millie is looking forward to seeing her boyfriend, Rohan. Holden says " I'm not gonna go to school." *sigh. Anyways, I am dropping the peeps off @ school @ 7:45am... and then I am driving to Towson so I can be @ St. Joe's during Suze's c-section. We are so excited! I can't wait to see if baby Roarty is a boy or a girl. I bet 20 bucks that it's a girl. We'll see @ 10 am. Squeal! Big day tomorrow. I better get all the lunches packed, clothes picked out, & love letters drawn.

UG not again.

SO after a long day yesterday, I decided to take a nice warm shower before getting into bed last night. While in the shower I looked down and noticed what kinda looked like someone with a bad cold blew their nose and hocked it onto the floor. I thought, "what the?" I washed it down the drain, and got out of the shower to dry off. ( I know this is too much in for for some... so if you feel like I am violating you.. stop reading now)as I dried my nether region I wiped what looked like a scab. It was dry, and surrounded by dry skin,with a dab of dry blood in the middle. I panicked a little bit. A little while later I went to the bathroom and wiped some light brown blood. A little bit after that, I peed ( I am learning that I pee about 4 times an hour these days) and wiped another small scab. I was fine throught the night. Everything seems fine now, I just feel a little bit crampy. I am wondering if this dumb blood clot is trying to make it's way out... or if this is something else. The good news: It's Labor Day! YAY... my doctor's office is CLOSED. Parker and I had made plans to take the kids to D.C. to the Museum of Natural History( HIP is DYING to see the dinosaurs) and grab some lunch in Georgetown. Grr.. now we are stuck here.

Update on Scarlett

We noticed last night that Scarlett The Dog was really working hard to breathe. She seemed healthy otherwise, but just tired of trying to get her next good breath. I called our neighbor, Sue this morning. Sue and her husband Alex have 4 show dogs. I figured she probably knows where to get good emergency care for a dog on a Saturday afternoon. She recommended the Hyattstown Emergency veterinary hospital, in Urbana, MD. We took our good girl to get her chest tapped. The vet there was very nice, but didn't seem too optimistic about us continuing to tap Scarlett to help her feel better. He said that the fluid drawn from her chest this time was very bloody, and most likely she was going to become anemic sooner than later, and start clotting. For today, the tapping was a good thing. Sue ( the neighbor mentioned above) recommended that we take Scarlett to her animal oncologist in Rockville. She said that sometimes Chemo and radiation can help certain types of cancers. Parker and I are talking about what we are going to do next. The last thing we want to do is to make Scarlett more uncomfortable.. Especially if the chemo/radiation won't cure her entirely. We feel like we are just giving up a little bit, but we are also aware of any changes that take place with Scarlett, and hopefully we will continue to make educated decisions for her care. Scarlett continues to rest on the couch after a tough day. I think I'll go join her and give her a little puppy love.

Update

I went back to the radiology center @ Georgetown yesterday and had a follow up sonogram to check my cervix. The concern was that the mild contractions were causing my cervix to dilate or thin. The good news is: the cervix looks " long and closed." Tiny was in there kickin' all around and opening his/her mouth. The sonogram tech said " this baby is a tall one." ( measuring 15 weeks and 6 days in length...( 10cm) -vs- what it should be measuring @ 15 weeks and 2 days) I laughed and said " are you sure? Our people aren't ' tall.' " She laughed.
The bad news is: the clot is still there. A portion of the clot is in the amniotic sac, but is a few millimeters away from the placenta. If the clot were behind the placenta, I would definitely be at a high risk to miscarry. The placenta, however is low in my uterus. The tech said" I'm not gonna call this previa, yet. " She went on to explain that if the placenta grows a little bit... It most likely will cover the top of my cervix... Which just throws my fantasy of a natural birth right out the window. For now, everything is okay.. We just have to watch. I have another sonogram scheduled on September 21st. Hopefully everything will be a little bit clearer then.

Nervous

Okay. I am trying not to freak out. I am trying to be level headed. But the fact is I'm terrible @ doing both of those things. I started having mild contractions on Sunday. Nothing major.. but tightening nonetheless. I called my doctor... who was apparently too busy to call me back. SO I called back today. Dr. Landy is " baffled" by this. She said her only explanation is my body cannot tell the difference between the baby and the blood clot... so it is just trying to get rid of the foreign matter all together. Rosemary ( the nurse I spoke with today) said " Dr Landy seems to think you are now at an increased for a late miscarriage." I was shocked to hear that. I mean, I'm coming up on 16 weeks... and everything has been great. Now this mysterious blood clot shows up out of nowhere and my perfectly healthy, perfectly fine baby will have to suffer the consequences? I find this unnacceptable.