Ya know it's always something. I should know that. Dr. Ratner wanted to see me " right away" to assess the swelling in my legs. I made an appointment for Tuesday afternoon. The swelling in my legs was pretty much gone, but he still wanted to make sure all was well. I gained a pound and a half in 5 days... which didn't sit right with Dr. R. I had a " trace" of fluid retention, and my blood pressure was 147/76. He looked at me and said " your blood pressure is high." I asked if stress could contribute to the rise in blood pressure. He said " sure". I explained that on the way to the clinic, I received a phone call from Scarlett's oncologist, and was told that the chemo didn't work, and if anything , it made things worse for Scarlett. Dr. Calo( oncologist) suggested that we " make a decision for Scarlett." I was stunned and devastated. ( OBVIOUSLY) No more than 5 minutes after recieving the news that I might need to put my dog to sleep, because it's " more humane" I was having my blood pressure taken. Man this SUCKS! Dr. Ratner was sympathetic, and hopeful that the higher blood pressure was temporary while I adjusted to the bad news. Dr.Ratner advised me to cut out all salt, drink plenty of fluid,and when I am home " lie down." I asked if bedrest was in my future, he said " probably." SO I have all of this to look forward to.
We still don't know what to do for poor Scarlett. I will tell you this: I think we are going to wait for a " sign". Parker said " the idea of saying to Scarlett, ' let's go for a ride in the car' so we can drive her to get put to sleep is mean and wrong." I whole heartedly agree. Neither of us want her to suffer w/ plueral effusion, but we also don't feel like we can be the ones to decide to kill her. Thats' the cancer's job. Stupid cancer, I HATE YOU FOR HURTING MY FRIEND! I find myself wishing that she could just die in her sleep. I can't believe I am wishing for her death. What I REALLY wish for is a magical elixr that will make her stay around forever, disease free and happy. I guess that's what memories are made of. My dad always told me that when you stop remembering friends after they die... that's when they are gone forever. I hope I never forget her.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
it's been swell
Okay a few things have happened since my last post. I was in too much a of a bad mood to post last week, so I decided to wait on posting, and get my head organized.
1) Wednesday AM: official sonogram. Tiny has all of his/her parts. ( no we don't know the gender) According to the sonogram tech, " This baby has great anatomy." That is the good news. The bad news : Tiny is measuring larger than s/he should. It's about 6 days too big on a few things ( head/belly) ... which spells out : my diabetes isn't as controlled as it should be. GRRR. Okay here's the thing. It's not like I'm not trying here. I am very consious about what I eat, how often I eat and how much insulin I bolus per meal. It makes me so mad that my doctors are seeing this as me slacking off. Now, that could be me interpreting the actions I saw at each of my appointments, but I can tell you, the tone was a lot different this week than in the past. Dr. Ratner said " this is a big baby, you need to tighten up you sugars." ARG! I'M TRYING!!!!! * sigh. Like I'm not obsessed enough, now I feel like I have to start over completely.
2) Scarlett had a pretty good week. She definitely took it easy. She took the steps a lot slower, slept a lot more, and ate a lot less. We decided to take watch how she did this past week and possibly take her to the beach to just hang out in the beautiful autumn air. I loaded up the car, and off we went to OCMD. Suze, Danny, & Ginger Ale were there, as well as my mom & dad. Oh yeah, and Dotsy ( Danny's mom, who is an OC local) was there a lot of the time too. We rolled up to my parent's place @ about 11:30pm. Kids were sleeping, Ginger was nursing, all was quiet. As I got all updated on how fast Ginger was growing ( she has gained one pound in 2 weeks) and her sleeping schedule, Parker heard a thud in the other room. He quietly came in and motioned to me to come into the other room with him, where I saw Scarlett laying in a pool of vomit. Her lips were grey, her gums were almost white, and she wasn't blinking. She was breathing VERY hard. I called our oncologist's office. It was decided that Scarlett had a vegal response ( when your blood pressure drops after barfing) but most likely needed to be seen in an ER. Most likely the barfing was a result of the chemo, and she needed to get a CBC ( complete blood count) to check and see if her white blood cell count was low. All of a sudden Scarlett popped up and was walking around like nothing had happened. We all honestly thought that that "was it" for Scarlett. She looked dead. I was so sad. I didn't know what to do or say. Parker wiped her up and she drank some water. This is so hard. I spent a few hours in the OC Veterinary hospital on Saturday. The good news: Scarlett is doing MUCH better. She went for a long boat ride with us and ended up sitting on my dad's boat for almost an hour ( alone) after we returned from our outing. The outing seemed to be just what she wished for. Millicent drove my dad's boat for about 20 minutes. She was hilarious. She sat on my dad's lap all serious. We told her to steer right or left, and when to slow down. Funny how a 3 year old has the confidence to just learn a new skill. I hope she keeps that confidence, I'm sad that the majority of my life I have been cautious about learning new skills. She's my little hero. Anyways, Scarlett then joined us for a long walk around my parent's neighborhood. For now, all is well.
3) We left OC @ about 9pm on Sunday, and arrived here at about midnight. I slept for the majority fo the trip. I am totally wiped out. It seems that the walk/ the constant activity/and the 3 hour drive made my legs swell. I was terrified. I got out of the shower and noticed that my ankles were gone. HUH? Already?( 19 weeks) Flashes of pre-eclampsia popped into my head. I went downstairs and showed Parker. We were terrified together. I checked my blood pressure , which was 118/64. Good. My hands weren't swollen, my face wasn't swollen, and I wasn't having any weird abdominal pain. I had a small anxiety attack, and was calmed down after Parker read a paragraph about pre-e in one of our many pregnancy books. Dr. Ratner says I'm a candidate for Pre- eclampsia, so I am being uber cautious. My ankles were back this morning, but they are definitely bigger than they were 2 days ago. So help me... if I get pre-eclampsia, I don't want to hear a single " I told you so"... I'm already moody enough, so watch your back.
1) Wednesday AM: official sonogram. Tiny has all of his/her parts. ( no we don't know the gender) According to the sonogram tech, " This baby has great anatomy." That is the good news. The bad news : Tiny is measuring larger than s/he should. It's about 6 days too big on a few things ( head/belly) ... which spells out : my diabetes isn't as controlled as it should be. GRRR. Okay here's the thing. It's not like I'm not trying here. I am very consious about what I eat, how often I eat and how much insulin I bolus per meal. It makes me so mad that my doctors are seeing this as me slacking off. Now, that could be me interpreting the actions I saw at each of my appointments, but I can tell you, the tone was a lot different this week than in the past. Dr. Ratner said " this is a big baby, you need to tighten up you sugars." ARG! I'M TRYING!!!!! * sigh. Like I'm not obsessed enough, now I feel like I have to start over completely.
2) Scarlett had a pretty good week. She definitely took it easy. She took the steps a lot slower, slept a lot more, and ate a lot less. We decided to take watch how she did this past week and possibly take her to the beach to just hang out in the beautiful autumn air. I loaded up the car, and off we went to OCMD. Suze, Danny, & Ginger Ale were there, as well as my mom & dad. Oh yeah, and Dotsy ( Danny's mom, who is an OC local) was there a lot of the time too. We rolled up to my parent's place @ about 11:30pm. Kids were sleeping, Ginger was nursing, all was quiet. As I got all updated on how fast Ginger was growing ( she has gained one pound in 2 weeks) and her sleeping schedule, Parker heard a thud in the other room. He quietly came in and motioned to me to come into the other room with him, where I saw Scarlett laying in a pool of vomit. Her lips were grey, her gums were almost white, and she wasn't blinking. She was breathing VERY hard. I called our oncologist's office. It was decided that Scarlett had a vegal response ( when your blood pressure drops after barfing) but most likely needed to be seen in an ER. Most likely the barfing was a result of the chemo, and she needed to get a CBC ( complete blood count) to check and see if her white blood cell count was low. All of a sudden Scarlett popped up and was walking around like nothing had happened. We all honestly thought that that "was it" for Scarlett. She looked dead. I was so sad. I didn't know what to do or say. Parker wiped her up and she drank some water. This is so hard. I spent a few hours in the OC Veterinary hospital on Saturday. The good news: Scarlett is doing MUCH better. She went for a long boat ride with us and ended up sitting on my dad's boat for almost an hour ( alone) after we returned from our outing. The outing seemed to be just what she wished for. Millicent drove my dad's boat for about 20 minutes. She was hilarious. She sat on my dad's lap all serious. We told her to steer right or left, and when to slow down. Funny how a 3 year old has the confidence to just learn a new skill. I hope she keeps that confidence, I'm sad that the majority of my life I have been cautious about learning new skills. She's my little hero. Anyways, Scarlett then joined us for a long walk around my parent's neighborhood. For now, all is well.
3) We left OC @ about 9pm on Sunday, and arrived here at about midnight. I slept for the majority fo the trip. I am totally wiped out. It seems that the walk/ the constant activity/and the 3 hour drive made my legs swell. I was terrified. I got out of the shower and noticed that my ankles were gone. HUH? Already?( 19 weeks) Flashes of pre-eclampsia popped into my head. I went downstairs and showed Parker. We were terrified together. I checked my blood pressure , which was 118/64. Good. My hands weren't swollen, my face wasn't swollen, and I wasn't having any weird abdominal pain. I had a small anxiety attack, and was calmed down after Parker read a paragraph about pre-e in one of our many pregnancy books. Dr. Ratner says I'm a candidate for Pre- eclampsia, so I am being uber cautious. My ankles were back this morning, but they are definitely bigger than they were 2 days ago. So help me... if I get pre-eclampsia, I don't want to hear a single " I told you so"... I'm already moody enough, so watch your back.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
8 years
So, 8 years ago yesterday was a good day. All of my friends and family were with me. The day was beautiful. I hadn't really a care in the world. Parker was the one in the yarmulke... I was the one in the wedding dress. We had a great time. ( except for when Parker wanted pigs in a blanket... and the photographer was posing us for stupid standard wedding shots, we fought then. Other than that all was happy.)
Little did I know that eight years from our wedding day would be so darn stressful. If I had known, I may have suggested getting married on September 21st instead?
My day started @ 5:45 am. I had to get Scarlett to the vet by 7 so she could be admitted for chemo. I kept thinking on my drive over to Potomac, " why the heck is there a traffic jam on 270, and the sun isn't even up yet?" I arrived back home before the sun rose, and started preparing for the day. I packed the kids' lunches, picked out everyone's clothes, gave everyone the " 20 more minutes warning," and was getting settled in for the day. I argued w/ 2 cranky almost 4 year olds about the importance of school, wrestled the boy version out of his bed and literally had to hold him down so he would stop crawling back under the covers. I negotiated 2 breakfasts, brushed 3 sets of teeth, and we were on the road. Miss Theresa helped me strong arm the girl variety of the dynamic duo out of her carseat, and I was off to Mount Rainier to my friend Margaret's ceramics studio. I asked Margaret if she would make us a box for Scarlett's ashes. I know: morbid. I just need to take care of details before I am a total wreck. Margaret was honored and is working on some designs for us. Check out her web page. She's AMAZING. http://www.margaretboozer.com.
Mapquest sent me the WRONG way to the studio... so I went 30 miles too far. GRR. Margaret directed me back to the studio and all was well. I loved the initial drawings and ideas she had for us. I had a doctor's appointment @ 1 so I scooted out of the studio...and drove on over to Eastern Market. Only to be told that my appointment was never put on the schedule. Double grr. I packed my stuff and drove back to Gaithersburg to pick up Millicent and Holden. The kids were fine, and we drove home. Peeps napped and so did I. Parker's mom showed up @ 5:30 so Parker and I could go out to dinner for our anniversary. My friend Heidi ( who is a vet)called me @ about 5:45 to tell me," you shouldn't be around Scarlett while she is undergoing chemo treatments, it's very dangerous to you and the baby." OKAY~ WHY DID'T THE ONCOLOGIST MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THE DANGERS TO MY UNBORN BABY? Triple grr. After many phone calls to various vets, it was decided that I shouldn't touch any " excrement" from Scarlett for 24 hours( not that I typically touch ANYONE'S excrement) and everything would be just fine. I picked our " doggie fresh" up from the vet at 6:30 and everything was a-okay. Scarlett was happy to see me.. and pulled me out to the car. Yay. I returned home, quickly changed my clothes , threw on some make up... and bolted out the door, only to remember after I had backed out of the driveway that I forgot to change my pump site. GRRRRR. Back in the house... up the steps... I did a quickie pump change and I flew out the door... only to realize that I really had to pee when I got in the car... so I went back in the house... pee'd... I returned to the car and I was on my way. We live in the "sticks" so night time driving is always precarious. Like a good driver, I was aware of the possibility of deer in the area. I had my high beams on...I was going 5mph under the speed limit... and WHAMO! a deer jumped into the grill of my van. I dragged that son-bitch 25 feet. I clentched my teeth, and finally felt my car come to a slow stop.I dreaded what I would find, or what I would do about the sitch. I heard something clunk under the front of the van, and all of a sudden that deer jumped out from under the front tires... and ran into the woods. SHEW! No bloody mess.. or massive guilt for killing an animal. ( not that it didn't go into the woods to die... I'm relieved I didn't have to deal with it... not stupid.) I hyperventilated myself to the gas station, filled the tank for under 70 bucks, and put a call into Parker explaining my horrendous day. Parker ( for those of you who don't know him) is not very good at empathy. He was mad that he had made reservations at a resturant, and now we were going to be late. OHHHH I was ready for the people at the resturant to tell us we couldn't eat dinner because we were late... let me att'em! After much ado... and a long night, Parker and I ate a nice dinner together. Sigh. So 8 years ago today Parker and I were on Catalina Island, probably eating lunch at this totally cool beach side lunch bar. He probably had the cheeseburger. I had the hotdog/cheeseburger combination sandwich. Funny, I could go for one of those right about now:)
Little did I know that eight years from our wedding day would be so darn stressful. If I had known, I may have suggested getting married on September 21st instead?
My day started @ 5:45 am. I had to get Scarlett to the vet by 7 so she could be admitted for chemo. I kept thinking on my drive over to Potomac, " why the heck is there a traffic jam on 270, and the sun isn't even up yet?" I arrived back home before the sun rose, and started preparing for the day. I packed the kids' lunches, picked out everyone's clothes, gave everyone the " 20 more minutes warning," and was getting settled in for the day. I argued w/ 2 cranky almost 4 year olds about the importance of school, wrestled the boy version out of his bed and literally had to hold him down so he would stop crawling back under the covers. I negotiated 2 breakfasts, brushed 3 sets of teeth, and we were on the road. Miss Theresa helped me strong arm the girl variety of the dynamic duo out of her carseat, and I was off to Mount Rainier to my friend Margaret's ceramics studio. I asked Margaret if she would make us a box for Scarlett's ashes. I know: morbid. I just need to take care of details before I am a total wreck. Margaret was honored and is working on some designs for us. Check out her web page. She's AMAZING. http://www.margaretboozer.com.
Mapquest sent me the WRONG way to the studio... so I went 30 miles too far. GRR. Margaret directed me back to the studio and all was well. I loved the initial drawings and ideas she had for us. I had a doctor's appointment @ 1 so I scooted out of the studio...and drove on over to Eastern Market. Only to be told that my appointment was never put on the schedule. Double grr. I packed my stuff and drove back to Gaithersburg to pick up Millicent and Holden. The kids were fine, and we drove home. Peeps napped and so did I. Parker's mom showed up @ 5:30 so Parker and I could go out to dinner for our anniversary. My friend Heidi ( who is a vet)called me @ about 5:45 to tell me," you shouldn't be around Scarlett while she is undergoing chemo treatments, it's very dangerous to you and the baby." OKAY~ WHY DID'T THE ONCOLOGIST MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THE DANGERS TO MY UNBORN BABY? Triple grr. After many phone calls to various vets, it was decided that I shouldn't touch any " excrement" from Scarlett for 24 hours( not that I typically touch ANYONE'S excrement) and everything would be just fine. I picked our " doggie fresh" up from the vet at 6:30 and everything was a-okay. Scarlett was happy to see me.. and pulled me out to the car. Yay. I returned home, quickly changed my clothes , threw on some make up... and bolted out the door, only to remember after I had backed out of the driveway that I forgot to change my pump site. GRRRRR. Back in the house... up the steps... I did a quickie pump change and I flew out the door... only to realize that I really had to pee when I got in the car... so I went back in the house... pee'd... I returned to the car and I was on my way. We live in the "sticks" so night time driving is always precarious. Like a good driver, I was aware of the possibility of deer in the area. I had my high beams on...I was going 5mph under the speed limit... and WHAMO! a deer jumped into the grill of my van. I dragged that son-bitch 25 feet. I clentched my teeth, and finally felt my car come to a slow stop.I dreaded what I would find, or what I would do about the sitch. I heard something clunk under the front of the van, and all of a sudden that deer jumped out from under the front tires... and ran into the woods. SHEW! No bloody mess.. or massive guilt for killing an animal. ( not that it didn't go into the woods to die... I'm relieved I didn't have to deal with it... not stupid.) I hyperventilated myself to the gas station, filled the tank for under 70 bucks, and put a call into Parker explaining my horrendous day. Parker ( for those of you who don't know him) is not very good at empathy. He was mad that he had made reservations at a resturant, and now we were going to be late. OHHHH I was ready for the people at the resturant to tell us we couldn't eat dinner because we were late... let me att'em! After much ado... and a long night, Parker and I ate a nice dinner together. Sigh. So 8 years ago today Parker and I were on Catalina Island, probably eating lunch at this totally cool beach side lunch bar. He probably had the cheeseburger. I had the hotdog/cheeseburger combination sandwich. Funny, I could go for one of those right about now:)
Friday, September 16, 2005
To treat or not to treat.
Seems that HIP's blood works showed that he doesn't have diabetes. Okay then, how come I keep getting blood sugars above 150? I asked Dr gober, and he said " I have no idea." ( plain and simple.) SO we're kinda in this place of watch and wait. Maybe HIP is just thirsty? Maybe HIP has a virus that is forcing his liver to kicked out stored glucogens? Maybe HIP actually has diabetes and it's too early to tell. ???? All of these things are possible. So it looks like only time will tell at this point.
Now for Scarlett: We saw the Radiologist yesterday. He said that Scarlett's cancers are 2 different entities and they need to be treated differently. The 2 big problems are : 1) The bone cancer is extremely painful,and she is starting to limit her movement. Stairs are a big problem, getting in and out of the car is a big problem, & sometimes walking poses some issues. Dr. Boshoven ( radiologist) said that radiation will help shrink the tumor, therefore help with the pain. BUT he won't do radiation on her because of the plural effusion. ( anesthesia would kill her) Now, there is something called a " boom boom" that is 2 huge doses of chemo back to back that will be injected into Scarlett's body cavity. The chemo will soak into the malignant cells in the fluid surrounding her chest. AS the malignant cells die off, so will the plural effusion. After the plural effusion is better, he will do the radiation. The oncologist said that this treatment would only be recommended as a way to deal with pain management, " It won't cure her." I already knew that. The oncologist said that the " boom boom" will buy her 3-4 months. The radiologist said that the radiation will get her 4-6 months. As I was sitting there trying to absorb all of this I just jumped and said " let's do this, she's in so much pain." The oncologist said " good deal, let's get moving." The oncologist discussed other pain management options like narcotics, patches, and the like, and how her quality of life MAY or MAY NOT improve w/ all the treatments. While I was at the vet.. I didn't listen to any of that, I just sat there thinking that all of these treatments were going to keep Scarlett around much longer... Then it dawned on me... All of this would be FOR US. Does Scarlett want to go through all of this just to be with us for 4 more months? Chemo and radiation suck just as much for dogs as it does for people. Here is our dilemma: If we don't do chemo and radiation... Are we giving up on our friend?If we do treat her w/ chemo and radiation, are we torturing her,just to keep her with us? I have been trying to keep a healthy outlook on this. I've been thinking things like : noone lives forever, we were lucky to have her for the 11 years we did have her... better than not at all. Thoughts like : I will miss her so much that a huge part of me will die when she passes away... And I just don't know what I am going to do without her face always looking up at me agreeing with my every word?( even when I am being really stupid or awful) Then I get back to reality and think, Scarlett was put on this Earth to make us happy and to teach us lessons, and be our companion, but her time is fading away and it is time for her to become part of the Earth. I think that I would like to cremate her and plant some of her ashes with a nice flowering tree, so she will grow up in it's branches and I can hang onto the leaves and know that I am touching a part of her+ she will be giving back to the Earth. Scarlett is such a gift. I know she is just a dog,a dog like no other... but to me she was and is the ultimate teacher and friend. I was told yesterday to start thinking of ways to say goodbye to her, and you know what? I just have no idea how do say goodbye to one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me.
Now for Scarlett: We saw the Radiologist yesterday. He said that Scarlett's cancers are 2 different entities and they need to be treated differently. The 2 big problems are : 1) The bone cancer is extremely painful,and she is starting to limit her movement. Stairs are a big problem, getting in and out of the car is a big problem, & sometimes walking poses some issues. Dr. Boshoven ( radiologist) said that radiation will help shrink the tumor, therefore help with the pain. BUT he won't do radiation on her because of the plural effusion. ( anesthesia would kill her) Now, there is something called a " boom boom" that is 2 huge doses of chemo back to back that will be injected into Scarlett's body cavity. The chemo will soak into the malignant cells in the fluid surrounding her chest. AS the malignant cells die off, so will the plural effusion. After the plural effusion is better, he will do the radiation. The oncologist said that this treatment would only be recommended as a way to deal with pain management, " It won't cure her." I already knew that. The oncologist said that the " boom boom" will buy her 3-4 months. The radiologist said that the radiation will get her 4-6 months. As I was sitting there trying to absorb all of this I just jumped and said " let's do this, she's in so much pain." The oncologist said " good deal, let's get moving." The oncologist discussed other pain management options like narcotics, patches, and the like, and how her quality of life MAY or MAY NOT improve w/ all the treatments. While I was at the vet.. I didn't listen to any of that, I just sat there thinking that all of these treatments were going to keep Scarlett around much longer... Then it dawned on me... All of this would be FOR US. Does Scarlett want to go through all of this just to be with us for 4 more months? Chemo and radiation suck just as much for dogs as it does for people. Here is our dilemma: If we don't do chemo and radiation... Are we giving up on our friend?If we do treat her w/ chemo and radiation, are we torturing her,just to keep her with us? I have been trying to keep a healthy outlook on this. I've been thinking things like : noone lives forever, we were lucky to have her for the 11 years we did have her... better than not at all. Thoughts like : I will miss her so much that a huge part of me will die when she passes away... And I just don't know what I am going to do without her face always looking up at me agreeing with my every word?( even when I am being really stupid or awful) Then I get back to reality and think, Scarlett was put on this Earth to make us happy and to teach us lessons, and be our companion, but her time is fading away and it is time for her to become part of the Earth. I think that I would like to cremate her and plant some of her ashes with a nice flowering tree, so she will grow up in it's branches and I can hang onto the leaves and know that I am touching a part of her+ she will be giving back to the Earth. Scarlett is such a gift. I know she is just a dog,a dog like no other... but to me she was and is the ultimate teacher and friend. I was told yesterday to start thinking of ways to say goodbye to her, and you know what? I just have no idea how do say goodbye to one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
My mom never told be there would be days like this
This marks my single most painful day of the past year. I know that people are out there having worse days... so I'm not going to blow this stuff out of proportion, but I do need to whine a little bit.
We have noticed over the past few weeks that HIP has been pretty thirsty, peeing a lot, ( wetting the bed etc..) and a general crank. Out of curiosity, we checked his bloodsugar. The first time it was 156 ( remember that "normal" is between 80 & 120) We were a little bit worried, but settled down after we re-checked his sugar 2 hours later and it was down to 107. We had some other higher numbers inbetween, but nothing too frightening. On Sunday, HIP drank 2 8oz bottles of water, turned down juice or Sprite, and was in such a bad mood. We checked his bloodsugar and it was 180. Okay... then we were scared. I called our pediatrician who said " um with numbers like that, until proved otherwise, I'm gonna call this diabetes." Here's where my "guilt meter" goes berzerker. * sigh. I took HIP to the lab this morning to torture him through a slew of bloodwork. We will find out tomorrow if all this was a fluke, or if we are going to have yet another diabetic in the family. I am a little freaked out. I have a hard time taking care of MY diabetes... how am I going ot take care of HIS??? ( worry worry worry)
The second thing that went wrong today was : Scarlett was diagnosed with: Bone Cancer as well as advanced lung cancer and plural effusion.( fluid in the chest cavity) Parker took her to the appointment and he reported all this sadness to me. We have an appointment on Thursday to get Scarlett started on radiation/chemo to help shrink the tumor in her leg. Bone cancer is extremely painful, and we're so sad for her... we want to do anything possible to help her feel better. Radiation/ chemo won't cure her, but it should make her leg feel a little bit better... ad it's better than amputation. ( which is typically how bone cancers are cured, but since Scarlett's cancers are so advanced, why put her through more hell than necessary.) I'm having a nincreasingly hard time with all this cancer business. Scarlett is such a good girl, what will I do without her? I don't want her to suffer, but I can't kill my friend. I cannot make the decision ot put her down. It's too much. I wanna find her some doggie percaset ( sp?) or something so she can just feel woozy, not like she's dying.
The third and final thing that drove me into a downward spiral of a physical and emotional breakdown was : The director at the kids' school is expecting a baby in December, and I found out today that she is naming her babe the name Parker and I picked for "Tiny" ( if Tiny is a girl.) Parker adn I have been saying " who would name their baby "________?"(
SO there you have it. I'm tired, scared, and all around emotional. I know that the people suffering through hurricane Katrina's wrath are going through worse, but just for this second, on this day, I wanna pout, 'cause all of this is very hard.
We have noticed over the past few weeks that HIP has been pretty thirsty, peeing a lot, ( wetting the bed etc..) and a general crank. Out of curiosity, we checked his bloodsugar. The first time it was 156 ( remember that "normal" is between 80 & 120) We were a little bit worried, but settled down after we re-checked his sugar 2 hours later and it was down to 107. We had some other higher numbers inbetween, but nothing too frightening. On Sunday, HIP drank 2 8oz bottles of water, turned down juice or Sprite, and was in such a bad mood. We checked his bloodsugar and it was 180. Okay... then we were scared. I called our pediatrician who said " um with numbers like that, until proved otherwise, I'm gonna call this diabetes." Here's where my "guilt meter" goes berzerker. * sigh. I took HIP to the lab this morning to torture him through a slew of bloodwork. We will find out tomorrow if all this was a fluke, or if we are going to have yet another diabetic in the family. I am a little freaked out. I have a hard time taking care of MY diabetes... how am I going ot take care of HIS??? ( worry worry worry)
The second thing that went wrong today was : Scarlett was diagnosed with: Bone Cancer as well as advanced lung cancer and plural effusion.( fluid in the chest cavity) Parker took her to the appointment and he reported all this sadness to me. We have an appointment on Thursday to get Scarlett started on radiation/chemo to help shrink the tumor in her leg. Bone cancer is extremely painful, and we're so sad for her... we want to do anything possible to help her feel better. Radiation/ chemo won't cure her, but it should make her leg feel a little bit better... ad it's better than amputation. ( which is typically how bone cancers are cured, but since Scarlett's cancers are so advanced, why put her through more hell than necessary.) I'm having a nincreasingly hard time with all this cancer business. Scarlett is such a good girl, what will I do without her? I don't want her to suffer, but I can't kill my friend. I cannot make the decision ot put her down. It's too much. I wanna find her some doggie percaset ( sp?) or something so she can just feel woozy, not like she's dying.
The third and final thing that drove me into a downward spiral of a physical and emotional breakdown was : The director at the kids' school is expecting a baby in December, and I found out today that she is naming her babe the name Parker and I picked for "Tiny" ( if Tiny is a girl.) Parker adn I have been saying " who would name their baby "________?"(
SO there you have it. I'm tired, scared, and all around emotional. I know that the people suffering through hurricane Katrina's wrath are going through worse, but just for this second, on this day, I wanna pout, 'cause all of this is very hard.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
The kids survived! YAY! After a 5:30 am phone call from Aunt Suze saying, " Ame, I'm having contractions and we are on our way to the hospital." I gathered myself together, made arrangements with Parker to get the kids to school, and got to Baltimore. ( after sitting in traffic for 2 hours) I witnessed my "first birth." It was awesome. Suze did a stellar job. Very inspiring to say the least. If I bet actual money I would've won.. since Suze delivered a healthy, happy and most beautiful baby girl, Virginia ( Ginger ) Elaine Roarty. Ginger weighed 7# 11oz, and she was 21 1/2 " long. It was fun talking to a brand new baby.Just seconds after the birth, Ginger was obviously screaming her little head off and I walked up and said , " Hey, Ginger Snap, what's wrong kid?" That baby stopped screaming, opened her eyes, and stared at me. I can tell she's a genius already. I couldn't be happier for Suze and Danny. I stuck around the hospital until about 4:30 and got back on the road to pick MS & HIP up from school. They greeted me at the door all smiles and happiness. They had a great day at school, and they were ready to come home and get some rest. Parker told me that on the way to school that morning, Millie and Holden debated if they would cry when they got to school, or not. Millie said that she wouldn't cry, but if Holden needed to, it would be okay. So funny. This morning's drop off wasn't quite as easy. Holden turned on the waterworks for a few minutes. That stuff always breaks my heart, but I know they're in a good place, so I drove off happily, for my 3 hours of peace. :)
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Last day of summer
The kids start school in the morning. I am actually pretty glad. It's not that I don't love my children.( obviously) It's just that I know I'm not challenging them enough these days. Holden asked me today how carseats were made. I answered to the best of my ability, which in turn turned into a cat and mouse game of "why?" and " because." Which is driving me nuts. I am a much cooler mom when they go to school for a few hours each day. I get all the crap I hafta do , done in the morning, and when I pick them up, I'm relaxed and ready for the evening shift. We had a really fun summer, but it's time for structure. I attended a meeting @ the kids' school tonight, and I now remember why we chose Jefferson At Fieldcrest Montessori. ( a HUGE name for a teeny tiny school.) It's a family away from family. The teachers are amazing. The facilities have all the true basics w/ a little bit of homegrown flair. We love it. I am nervous about drop off ( Holden cried every single day of school last year) Millie is looking forward to seeing her boyfriend, Rohan. Holden says " I'm not gonna go to school." *sigh. Anyways, I am dropping the peeps off @ school @ 7:45am... and then I am driving to Towson so I can be @ St. Joe's during Suze's c-section. We are so excited! I can't wait to see if baby Roarty is a boy or a girl. I bet 20 bucks that it's a girl. We'll see @ 10 am. Squeal! Big day tomorrow. I better get all the lunches packed, clothes picked out, & love letters drawn.
Monday, September 05, 2005
UG not again.
SO after a long day yesterday, I decided to take a nice warm shower before getting into bed last night. While in the shower I looked down and noticed what kinda looked like someone with a bad cold blew their nose and hocked it onto the floor. I thought, "what the?" I washed it down the drain, and got out of the shower to dry off. ( I know this is too much in for for some... so if you feel like I am violating you.. stop reading now)as I dried my nether region I wiped what looked like a scab. It was dry, and surrounded by dry skin,with a dab of dry blood in the middle. I panicked a little bit. A little while later I went to the bathroom and wiped some light brown blood. A little bit after that, I peed ( I am learning that I pee about 4 times an hour these days) and wiped another small scab. I was fine throught the night. Everything seems fine now, I just feel a little bit crampy. I am wondering if this dumb blood clot is trying to make it's way out... or if this is something else. The good news: It's Labor Day! YAY... my doctor's office is CLOSED. Parker and I had made plans to take the kids to D.C. to the Museum of Natural History( HIP is DYING to see the dinosaurs) and grab some lunch in Georgetown. Grr.. now we are stuck here.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Update on Scarlett
We noticed last night that Scarlett The Dog was really working hard to breathe. She seemed healthy otherwise, but just tired of trying to get her next good breath. I called our neighbor, Sue this morning. Sue and her husband Alex have 4 show dogs. I figured she probably knows where to get good emergency care for a dog on a Saturday afternoon. She recommended the Hyattstown Emergency veterinary hospital, in Urbana, MD. We took our good girl to get her chest tapped. The vet there was very nice, but didn't seem too optimistic about us continuing to tap Scarlett to help her feel better. He said that the fluid drawn from her chest this time was very bloody, and most likely she was going to become anemic sooner than later, and start clotting. For today, the tapping was a good thing. Sue ( the neighbor mentioned above) recommended that we take Scarlett to her animal oncologist in Rockville. She said that sometimes Chemo and radiation can help certain types of cancers. Parker and I are talking about what we are going to do next. The last thing we want to do is to make Scarlett more uncomfortable.. Especially if the chemo/radiation won't cure her entirely. We feel like we are just giving up a little bit, but we are also aware of any changes that take place with Scarlett, and hopefully we will continue to make educated decisions for her care. Scarlett continues to rest on the couch after a tough day. I think I'll go join her and give her a little puppy love.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Update
I went back to the radiology center @ Georgetown yesterday and had a follow up sonogram to check my cervix. The concern was that the mild contractions were causing my cervix to dilate or thin. The good news is: the cervix looks " long and closed." Tiny was in there kickin' all around and opening his/her mouth. The sonogram tech said " this baby is a tall one." ( measuring 15 weeks and 6 days in length...( 10cm) -vs- what it should be measuring @ 15 weeks and 2 days) I laughed and said " are you sure? Our people aren't ' tall.' " She laughed.
The bad news is: the clot is still there. A portion of the clot is in the amniotic sac, but is a few millimeters away from the placenta. If the clot were behind the placenta, I would definitely be at a high risk to miscarry. The placenta, however is low in my uterus. The tech said" I'm not gonna call this previa, yet. " She went on to explain that if the placenta grows a little bit... It most likely will cover the top of my cervix... Which just throws my fantasy of a natural birth right out the window. For now, everything is okay.. We just have to watch. I have another sonogram scheduled on September 21st. Hopefully everything will be a little bit clearer then.
The bad news is: the clot is still there. A portion of the clot is in the amniotic sac, but is a few millimeters away from the placenta. If the clot were behind the placenta, I would definitely be at a high risk to miscarry. The placenta, however is low in my uterus. The tech said" I'm not gonna call this previa, yet. " She went on to explain that if the placenta grows a little bit... It most likely will cover the top of my cervix... Which just throws my fantasy of a natural birth right out the window. For now, everything is okay.. We just have to watch. I have another sonogram scheduled on September 21st. Hopefully everything will be a little bit clearer then.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)