I'm trying here

Yeah yeah, it's Halloween. I secretly hate it. I think it stems back to the fact that I have had diabetes since I was 2 years old, and every halloween I had to hand over my loot to Suze with no argument or sadness. Suze did have more cavities than I did, but I don't think it was because of halloween. :) Given my current state of complete depression over Scarlett's passing, I was completely lame on the costumes this year. In the past I prided myself in my seemingly original costumes for Millie & Holden. Their first halloween, they were a punkin' patch. ( picture 2 neonates hooked up to every monitor in the room, along w/ IVs in every limb and I think they may have been pretty much naked and only allowed to wear preemie diapers ( which are no bigger than a panty liner) I sewed up some fleece pumpkin hats and called them a patch) Halloween 2: Thing one and Thing 2. Halloween 3: Monkey See and Monkey Do. Halloween 4: The Wonder Twins. Halloween 5: Salt and Pepper shakers.... but only hats. I tried, I really did. I just couldn't get motivated to make more that I HAD to. I'm at that point where I'm not sure if I dreamed that Scarlett died, and knowing full well that she is indeed dead. I know that over time this feeling will fade, but for now things are very hard. Holden was playing "doggie " today and he crawled up to me and said, " mom, guess what I am?" I said, "what pal?" and he said " I'm a new dog, a better dog, since we only have one dog now." Both kids seem to understand that Scarlett is gone, but not forgotten. I'm the one who needs convincing.
I volunteered at the kids' school for their Halloween hat parade ( hence : hats) and helped served up lunch of Mac & cheese ( brains) / celery and cream cheese w/ raisins lined up on top (bugs on a log) and green pudding w/ grapes ( green slime w/ eyeballs). Pictures will be posted... when I get motivated to actually upload the pictures off of the camera. Millie cried every time she saw me... and HIP attached himself to my leg and had to be "extracted." I get very annoyed with all of this behavior, but knew that this past weekend was overwhelming to them, and to let this day slide.
Regardless of the lack of true costume, Millie and Holden seemed to really enjoy Halloween. They trick or treated in their hats and explained that they were salt and pepper shakers, and our understanding neighbors got a genuine kick out of Millie and Holden's enthusiasum. They made it to about 10 houses, and Millie said " I have a headache from this Halloween, can we please go home mom?" That was music to my ears, and Holden seemed rather pleased w/his collection of booty, so we walked home. The kids pounded 1/4 pound of candy when we walked in the door, and were almost accepting of the fact that they weren't going to eat ALL of the candy they were given... tonight. After the sugar high kicked in ( ie: Millie was trying to tackle Holden in the kitchen) we scurried them to the bath... and off to dreamland.
Halloween was quiet this year. Usually Halloween involves a dog barking every time there is a knock on the door, and me stressing out over the fuss. Not this year. Ruby doesn't really care if people knock on the door or not. As much as I hated when Scarlett made such a fuss, tonight, I missed the ruckus. I miss my good girl.
Oh , and a quick update on the decision we made on Scarlett's final resting place: we buried her in Bel Air. I just couldn't cremate her. My dad and Parker built her a nice coffin, and we laid her on some foam and wrapped her in a blanket. I wrote her a nice note and thanked her for being my good girl. We included some pictures of Scarlett with the family ... just in case the casket was discovered and the people who find it are curious about the remains. Do I think the pictures will still be in good condition? No... but it made me feel better. The kids took turns tossing dirt on her grave.( in true Jewish burial fashion) It was so hard, but I know that Scarlett loved " puppy camp" and she would be glad to be on the farm for eternity. I know I feel the same way. The farm is a safe haven. I feel good about the decision we made for her. It was hard to come home without her, but I know she's not suffering anymore, and "Beanie and Papa" will make sure that her grave site is maintained and dignified. Sigh. This is so hard.