I'm trying here

Yeah yeah, it's Halloween. I secretly hate it. I think it stems back to the fact that I have had diabetes since I was 2 years old, and every halloween I had to hand over my loot to Suze with no argument or sadness. Suze did have more cavities than I did, but I don't think it was because of halloween. :) Given my current state of complete depression over Scarlett's passing, I was completely lame on the costumes this year. In the past I prided myself in my seemingly original costumes for Millie & Holden. Their first halloween, they were a punkin' patch. ( picture 2 neonates hooked up to every monitor in the room, along w/ IVs in every limb and I think they may have been pretty much naked and only allowed to wear preemie diapers ( which are no bigger than a panty liner) I sewed up some fleece pumpkin hats and called them a patch) Halloween 2: Thing one and Thing 2. Halloween 3: Monkey See and Monkey Do. Halloween 4: The Wonder Twins. Halloween 5: Salt and Pepper shakers.... but only hats. I tried, I really did. I just couldn't get motivated to make more that I HAD to. I'm at that point where I'm not sure if I dreamed that Scarlett died, and knowing full well that she is indeed dead. I know that over time this feeling will fade, but for now things are very hard. Holden was playing "doggie " today and he crawled up to me and said, " mom, guess what I am?" I said, "what pal?" and he said " I'm a new dog, a better dog, since we only have one dog now." Both kids seem to understand that Scarlett is gone, but not forgotten. I'm the one who needs convincing.
I volunteered at the kids' school for their Halloween hat parade ( hence : hats) and helped served up lunch of Mac & cheese ( brains) / celery and cream cheese w/ raisins lined up on top (bugs on a log) and green pudding w/ grapes ( green slime w/ eyeballs). Pictures will be posted... when I get motivated to actually upload the pictures off of the camera. Millie cried every time she saw me... and HIP attached himself to my leg and had to be "extracted." I get very annoyed with all of this behavior, but knew that this past weekend was overwhelming to them, and to let this day slide.
Regardless of the lack of true costume, Millie and Holden seemed to really enjoy Halloween. They trick or treated in their hats and explained that they were salt and pepper shakers, and our understanding neighbors got a genuine kick out of Millie and Holden's enthusiasum. They made it to about 10 houses, and Millie said " I have a headache from this Halloween, can we please go home mom?" That was music to my ears, and Holden seemed rather pleased w/his collection of booty, so we walked home. The kids pounded 1/4 pound of candy when we walked in the door, and were almost accepting of the fact that they weren't going to eat ALL of the candy they were given... tonight. After the sugar high kicked in ( ie: Millie was trying to tackle Holden in the kitchen) we scurried them to the bath... and off to dreamland.
Halloween was quiet this year. Usually Halloween involves a dog barking every time there is a knock on the door, and me stressing out over the fuss. Not this year. Ruby doesn't really care if people knock on the door or not. As much as I hated when Scarlett made such a fuss, tonight, I missed the ruckus. I miss my good girl.
Oh , and a quick update on the decision we made on Scarlett's final resting place: we buried her in Bel Air. I just couldn't cremate her. My dad and Parker built her a nice coffin, and we laid her on some foam and wrapped her in a blanket. I wrote her a nice note and thanked her for being my good girl. We included some pictures of Scarlett with the family ... just in case the casket was discovered and the people who find it are curious about the remains. Do I think the pictures will still be in good condition? No... but it made me feel better. The kids took turns tossing dirt on her grave.( in true Jewish burial fashion) It was so hard, but I know that Scarlett loved " puppy camp" and she would be glad to be on the farm for eternity. I know I feel the same way. The farm is a safe haven. I feel good about the decision we made for her. It was hard to come home without her, but I know she's not suffering anymore, and "Beanie and Papa" will make sure that her grave site is maintained and dignified. Sigh. This is so hard.

No words

Just reporting that our beloved Scarlett " returned to the Earth" last night. She died right next to me. We were sitting in the family room and she finally ( after hours of struggling to breathe) took her last breath. I had been sitting on the floor with her telling her that it was " okay to go." Suze was nursing Ginger, and Millie and Holden were making major mischeif . My regret was that I didn't have my hand on her when she died. ( I was busy disciplining my kids) I desperately wanted to feel her slip away. I wanted her to know that I would always be with her... as she will always be with me. Her death was peaceful and dignified. Just as we had hoped it would be. I am struggling with the idea of cremating her. I think I want her body whole. The only problem is : I'm not sure how long we will live in Gaithersburg, and I don't want to leave her body if we move.. so burying her in Gaithersburg is kinda "out." Burying her in Bel Air is safe... but I want her close to me. I know, I'm being difficult. I'm just confused.

Anyways, I am full of sadness on this day, and I will probably be this way for a long, long time.

Have you ever?

Let's play a game. It's called " have you ever?" ( I just made it up.)

I'll suggest a task.. and you come up with an answer that suits you.( answers in the comments section would be greatly appreciated)
Okay here we go:
1) Have you ever had to make a decision to euthanize a beloved pet? ( and not have the strength to do it... and also not have the strength to watch your pet suffer with each breath?)

2) Have you ever: had to figure out how to get your 4 year old to stop talking back? ( I don't mean just talking back, I mean: when told to stop talking and put his head on his pillow and go to sleep, the child responds with a loud "Daddy is gonna be so mad at you for being angry at us." and when I responded with a teeth clenching " I am in charge right now. " The child responds with a rather stern, " NO YOU'RE NOT." I am not pro spanking. I do not believe in belittling a child's spirit to come out the more dominant person in the equation... but I have a neighbor who spanks regularly ( because God gave her the power to do so)... and I'm not afraid to send my kids down to her for a quick lesson on how cool I really am.

3) Have you ever had to use a mirror to insert an insulin infusion site into your back... and the only way to see what the heck you are doing is to use a mirror for guidance?( probably not... but I had to get that one off my chest)

4) Have you ever wanted to eat an entire 4 person serving of au gratin potatoes all by yourself, but you weren't able to take one bite because your low sodium diet won't allow it?

5) have you ever tried to come up with a name for your small company, but had no luck, hence: no motivation? ( I think I want to call my baby carrier company " Good Girl Scarlett baby carriers" but it doesn't seem to fit the product description... so now I'm back at square one)

6) Have you ever wanted to just scream at a person who calls herself your friend, but continues to annoy the crap out of you at your expense? ( see: CC)

7) Have you ever been proud of yourself because your mom calls and asks YOU for advice on how to manage her diabetes? ( WOW)

8) Have you ever wondered what life would be like if there really WAS a laundry fairy?

9) Have you ever felt bad because you threatened to take away a field trip to a pumpkin patch because of bad behavior? ( in search of that elusive " respect" all the other parents seem to get from their kids) & Secretly was glad when your kids were really, I mean really, upset?

10 ) have you ever wanted to start the day over and try again?

I know, I know.. it's been a while...

Okay. So I slacked. To make up for it.. here are a few updates.

On Tiny: Tiny is now measuring exactly 22 weeks in almost every measurement. ( except his/her belly... that is measuring a healthy 24 weeks) Tiny is 9" long and weighs 1 # 5 oz. We had to get a fetal echocardiogram done yesterday because apparently babies carried by diabetics have higher risks of having heart defects. According to the cardiologist, it was "almost silly" to have this procedure done because a woman w/ an A1C of 6.0 is not unlike the general population as far as carrying risks to her baby. As long as I keep my control tight, Tiny shouldn't be in any danger. Turns out that Tiny has something called "Tricuspid regurgitation."Tricuspid regurgitation is a disorder involving backward flow of blood across the tricuspid valve which separates the right ventricle (lower heart chamber) from the right atrium (upper heart chamber). Dr. Doroshow ( pediatric cardiologist) said that every baby has tricuspid regurgitation @ 22 weeks... it's just that Tiny ( who's heart is the size of a dime)seems to be showing a little more than average. The degree of this is so minor that it really isn't anything to worry about at this point. She would like to see us back in a month just to see if the condition is resolving or progressing. She said that maybe, just maybe a neonatologist should be present during the delivery... just to play it safe. SO we have that goin' for us.. which is nice.
On me: Upon leaving the cardiologist's office yesterday, I was overcome w/ sickness. I couldn't catch my breath. I was light headed, and literally felt like I was going to pass out in the parking lot. I got in my car and took a rest. I decided that it would be okay for me just to get home so I could lie down. I drove to Glen Echo ( about 4 miles away from Georgetown Hospital) and couldn't drive anymore, I was too worn out, my heart was beating SO HARD, and I was still very much out of breath. I put a call into Dr. Ratner. Of course he was in a meeting and couldn't be contacted. I called my OB and she was triple booked and said that if I wasn't feeling any better in a half an hour to go to labor and delivery to be evaluated. I was kinda paralyzed. I couldn't drive. Parker was up to his head in work stuff and I wasn't gonna drag him over to pick me up. An ambulance was silly. So, I took a nap in my car. After the nap, I drove very slowly back to the kids' school... and we came home, where I laid on the couch until 2 am. I really thought I was going to die. I had every symptom of pre- eclampsia except for one very important thing: my blood pressure was 75/46 ( <- & that ain't no high blood pressure) I developed keytones( A natural byproduct of anyone burning fat( not eating enough) is the formation of some ketones) in my urine because I had only eaten a crumpet, a granola bar and drank 2 liters of water all day. My mom came down to take care of the kids, because Parker had to take Scarlett into the ER to get tapped. Poor dog is starting to whine a lot... and her breathing is becoming very labored. She is hardly putting any weight on her front right leg. Scarlett takes 3 codeine pills a day now, and it just doesn't seem to help her at all. Okay, so I laid on the couch for 8 hours & finally got myself up to bed. I could not get comfortable all night, but I slept nevertheless. I felt a little bit better in the morning and was fine by the time I had to see Dr. Ratner @ 2pm. Dr. Ratner said I probably had a severe vegal response.( basically a response to a faint) He said that since I was on my back for so long during the fetal echo my circulation/ blood pressure was all out of whack, and basically just that action of lying flat on my back kicked my butt all darn day. He was concerned that my heartrate was 99, and ordered a cardiogram for me. Luckily my friend and phlebotomist Tatamika had to do the cardiogram on me. I said, "Tatamika, do I need to take off my bra for this procedure?" Tatamika responded by saying, "yes... but don't worry, I don't wanna look at your ticklebits." Seriously, I almost fell off the table laughing so hard. Tatamika is hilarious. Now don't get me wrong, I have fallen off of a table at a doctor's office in the past... but not from laughing. Picture it: we were in the middle of the IVF procedure, and I had a broken arm. ( snowboarding) I was in the office for a follicle check and my foot slipped off of one of the stirrups, and I fell off the table... pants off.. the works. Nice. Back to the point: my cardiogram came back fine yesterday. Tatamika didn't make fun of my "ticklebits" ( at least to my face) So all is currently well. Update on kids: Millicent Susan and Holden Iaquinta turned 4 last week. Ahh yesss... this is the time of year that I get all nostalgic. The color of the leaves, the cool evenings, the bright moon filled nights.. and oh yeah, the constant reminder that my kids endured 5 surgeries, and lived in the NICU @ St. Joseph's Medical Center in Baltimore for 3 months. I am thankful for what we experienced. It was a humbling introduction to parenthood. I think that if Millie and Holden were born at term, I would have been WAY more cocky. I know people who are cocky about parenthood. I hear them fussing over rules and regulations... feedings, who sleeps where and when, the best strollers on the market, and what kind of car has the safest crash test ratings. Who holds the baby and when.... & I hear them discussing activities and outings, like the world is lucky to have them. I will never be one of those parents, because I feel lucky to have my children at all, and I want to share them and their life stories with anyone who cares to listen., but I will never force info. It's not fair to my children. I feel like I can be the parent I am because Millie and Holden were 12 weeks early, and deathly ill, I learned to let life happen... not to try to control everything. Parents of healthy babies don't have that luxury. I don't mean to sound judgemental here, but do all parents look at their babies like it's the last time they would ever see them, and be thankful for that very moment in time? Parker and I did... and I know I still do. I can't speak for Parker. :) As hard as the tough times w/ discipline have been, I value those moments of stubborness and grace more than most lessons I have learned elsewhere. Millie and Holden enjoyed everything about their birthday this year except for 1) missing circle time @ school because of a car accident that made us late. 2) the break out of head lice at school that made us turn our car around and go home,( ie: no cupcakes) 3) the rain & 4) sharing their birthday with each other. Seems that the dynamic duo didn't want each other around for the festivities. So basically they enjoyed the hot dog and french fries dinner, ( per request) the peanut butter ice cream cake a la Cold Stone, & the presents. They are still enjoying their : new watches, new boots,( Millicent desperately wanted pink boots) and remote control cars. Life is fun here at the Parker house. ( except for @ bedtime... there is nothing fun about getting 2 wound up 4 year olds in bed. People always say " ohhhh I wish we had twins.. .I ALWAYS wanted twins. yada yada yada..." Well that's all well and good, but before you set yourself up for something you have NO IDEA about... come on over here @ about 9pm... I bet you leave our house saying" woo I sure am glad I had singletons." ( just ask Parker... he definitely has my back on this one.) )
All in all we are settling into the second trimester pretty well. I have accepted the fact that I am having a harder time breathing because Tiny is hogging up my abdomen. I have also accepted the fact that my boobs ( or " ticklebits" whatever you prefer) are unrecognizeably huge, and that's okay. Also the fact that my thighs rub, and I have noticed cellulite on my butt and fat rolls on my back are things I wished for for 8 years. AS funny as I feel like I look, I am okay with it. I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

Gained

I saw both Drs Landy and Dr. Ratner this week. Dr. Landy said that Tiny isn't too big and to stop worrying about that. My A1C is 6.0 which is where it should be, so I can't guilt myself into the blame for Tiny's growth spurt. My blood pressure was 110/60,and according to Dr. Landy's scale, I have gained 8lbs total. Yay. Dr Ratner on the other hand said that I have gained 14 lbs total, and that it's not fluid, so I need to stop eating so much. Okay I didn't think I WAS eating that much. SO I have to rearrange my diet for a little while. The other development is the size of my boobs. I didn't notice the growth until Parker informed me that my bra was obviously too small. ( apparently he could see the outline of my bra through my sweater... not good) I went into Mimi Maternity wearing a 34 B. I left wearing ( and I hope you are sitting while you are reading this) a 4o D. I kept trying on bras and I was spilling out of each one. The woman at the store came in with a 38 D and a back extender. That did the trick. Now... one of the big ( no pun intended) problem is : I can't see over my huge boobs to insert my pump catheter. I literally had to use a small mirror and try to push my boob out of the way to try to insert the needle. MAN! These things are BIG. I wanted to say to Dr. Ratner: maybe I have gained 14 lbs.. but you have to allow me 5 pounds per boob. I have noticed that my face is starting to get a little round ( I think I look the way I looked in high school ( if you were @ go JC.. you'll know what I'm talking about. I'm not as round as Ring Dance w/ Pete Tapley... but I'm getting there. ) )Parker and my mom said that my face hasn't changed, but I know they are lying. (:P) Dr. Ratner also informed me that Tiny will probably be born between 33 & 35 weeks. He said " the minute you show ANY signs of pre-eclampsia after 32 weeks we will consider inducing you." We talked about NICU stays etc.. but he was very assuring when he said that the babe wouldn't need to stay in the NICU unless some "preemie complications arise." SO that means that I have 14 more weeks tops. I'm not ready. I need more time. Oh I know I'm jumping the gun here, I must simmer down.Deep cleansing breaths. Okay I better hit it. HIP is home from school barfing today. I should probably stop ignoring my exsisting child's needs. More from me later.

halfway there

due to the fact that my hair was due for a trim over 2 months ago, and my face is covered in acne, and I feel ugly... you do not get a picture of my face in this belly shot. ( I am a major " butterface")I am definitely growing. I feel pretty good hitting the 20 week mark. It kinda feels like I've already been pregnant for a lonnggggg time, but I'm in NO hurry to deliver this baby. ( remember my kids were born almost 8 weeks from now... and I can definitely wait longer than that. ) Tiny is a kicking and hiccuping fool. There are days that my body is completely still... except I'm doing an involuntary belly dance. All in all I feel good. Tired, but good. The swelling is down in my ankles and feet, which is great. I will start seeing my doctors once a week from now on. Anyways, I know, boring post... but these days I'm a bore. Other than that, I am focused on Scarlett and her well being. Millie and Holden are doing great. Loving school, and having a ball with their friends. I couldn't ask for more. I have to scoot, because my husband is home on a Sunday and freaking out because he can't see both of his children ( poor Millie can't even go to the bathroom in peace) If he yells " where are you guys???! " at the top of his lungs one more time... oh nevermind, I won't do a thing. I'm too tired to deal.