I always knew I was weird

Okay, so it happened. I freaked out that I am pregnant. In an exhausted state I decided to look up what a baby in the 9th week looks like. The picture freaked me out. Why you ask? Oh because the baby LOOKS like a baby now. You know, it moves and it has a head and ears, and arms and legs and stuff. The baby now pees, and is moving all over the place. Most people would be thrilled to take the plunge into fetushood... but NO not me. I flipped out. I sat there thinking " ewwwwww... there is a person in me! ew ew ew!" I threw myself into such a panic attack that I wasn't sure ifI was panicking or my night sickenss was starting to actually feel like night sickness. I sat by the toilet shivering for about 45 minutes. Every time I spoke or moved I felt weak or sick. It was awful. I kept thinking , " what kind of person thinks pregnancy is weird? Welp, me. Ya see back in the old days where I was treated as infertile, one of the only ways to suffocate my dreams of every being pregnant, was to trick myself into thinking that growing a baby in you own stomach was freaky. I imagined feeling the baby moving and not liking it. I imagined that being pregnant was a chore. I imagined that if I ever got pregnant, I would hate it. Clearly all ways to get over the fact that my dreams would never come true, and to stop wishing for the impossible. I called my mom. ( who had my kids due to my 3 doctor's appointments this week... and our good babysitter is on vacation) I talked to her about how Millie and Holden were doing, and what they did with their day. It took my mind off the fact that I felt like I was dying, and relaxed me enough to fall asleep. Poor Parker, he turned 35 yesterday... all he got was : a crappy day @ work( phones didn't work all day) 3 outfits from me that didn't fit ( too small.... which is horrible on your birthday) and the worst mosquito bites any the planet has ever seen ( while eating crabs for his birthday dinner) These mosquito bites were so bad that his hands and feet are still completely swollen. His hands feel like there is fluid built up on the top of them. Oh and the best birthday gift of all: a panic attacked wife who didn't want him to touch her AT ALL... It is time for me to be in the second trimester... you know, so Parker and I can ACT married again. ( wink wink) I think I might need to put a call into my shrink. A night like last night cannot happen again.