Exactly what I didn't want to hear

I saw Dr. R today for my quarterly check up. Not only was my A1C :9(!) Dr R mentioned to me that it may be almost time for me to wean Gus. Huh? My plan was to nurse until he didn't want to nurse anymore! ( yes even if he is 4) Apparently my cholesterol
is a wee bit higher than it should be. Here is where I fight my condition. Here's where I would like diabetes to take a hike so I can follow my child right into nursing until he is finished. I said to Dr. R, " but Gus is a boob man.. I can't stop nursing him now!" Dr R. responded with : " Welp, in about 13 years he'll find a surrogate." I said.. "you speak as if you have experience with this matter." he said.." I have a 21 year old daughter... that should sum it up for ya." I said " oh, you should have sent her to art school, all the dudes are gay." he simply smiled. Back to the point: I DON'T WANT TO WEAN GUS. I know, I know.. my health matters too.. but my mental health matters.. and one of the things that makes me so happy is that I have been given the chance to nurse. I'm going to follow Gus' lead for the next 3 months or so... if he gives me signs that nursing is for the birds.. well, I'll cut him back and help him wean. For now, I'll enjoy every minute of it.

The Brutally Honest Christmas

I thought I had it in the bag. I thought that when the children opened their gifts there would be success across the board. I was wrong. For months I have been picking up little things here and there. I limited the gifts to 6 moderate gifts and one "big one." The stocking was filled with things Mommy won't allow them to eat... and toys Mommy would NEVER buy( ie: Floam) The day started off okay. Once Holden got to the Felt pirate Hat, wooden hook and felt eye patch the shit hit the fan. I thought this was one of the stronger gifts. Instead of excitement and happiness.. we got, " Um I don't like pirates, Gus can have this." Ohhh I get it, Since Gus doesn't know any better, he gets the crap nobody wants. Poor little bean. Although that being said.. Gus was thrilled to suck on the wooden hook and swing around the eye patch. The deal was that HIP wanted 2 light sabers. It seems that HIP has becpome quite a Starwars expert....and since he has a Luke Skywalker costume and a Darth Vader costume.. he needs the appropriate light sabers. Welllll, "Santa" didn't know he needed 2. Luckily "Santa's" Mom had a second light saber waiting to be opened... but it was an hour away... Not good for our little Jedi looking desperately for his second light saber. I watched my bloodsugar rising up to 300 on my reciever due to the stress of the sitch. Fast forward to 8 pm... we're sitting at my parents' place opening gifts... instead of hearing " Oh WOW Thanks Beanie!" We heard " How come I always get clothes?... " " Another star Wars Transformer?" & my favorite, " I laready have this!" Okay, not to confuse anyone we're gonna go back to our house. There is a real drum set ( kid sized) sitting in our family room. So far, from what we can tell.... the only thing it is good for is to whack your brother's hand when he tried to take a turn on the cymbal. Okay.. back to Beanie and Pop Pop's . Beanie and Pop Pop gave the kids electronic Light Sabers that not only glow.. they make that sound that light sabers make when they are swinging aroud in the air. They were a hit. Shew!! Finally! Joy and rapture! Today things are looking up. Gus loves his weaning table. Holden is enjoying his entire collection of Star Wars Transformers, and Millie is quietly writing her name in cursiv eand surrounding it with hearts on her glow in the dark magna doodle pad. You know how people say, " I wish Christmas was every day? I frankly couldn't think of anything worse. I saw a side of my kids I wish to never see again... the greedy side. I knw they are 5. I knwo they have expectations. now it is time to work on appreciation.

our little human garbage disposal

I have posted in the past about Gus' love of food. Each day the child wows me more than the day before when it comes to the diversity of his diet. I am constantly searching for new foods for him, and surprisingly enough, he hasn't really protested much. It has become somewhat of a game to me. The only thing I have seen him turn down is overcooked broccoli. Blanched or raw is fine. Although, I am thrilled that he is so willing to try new things, there is an element of concern when it comes to his diet. That concern is: Angus eats more than a grown man. Just an example of one of his meals; A chicken leg, a cup of wild rice, a cup of baked butternut squash w/cooked raisins, 1/2 blueberry muffin, 1/2 banana, and a cup of applesauce. I'm telling you he has hollow legs. He loves avocado sushi, beef stew, croissants, yogurt ( plain with fresh fruit)lamb,couscous,hummus, spaghetti,whole wheat pita, and tonight he arm wrestled me for the heart of my artichoke. I have never seen a 10 month old eat an entire artichoke until I met Gus. On top of all of that he nurses between 5+7 times a day ( on average.... some days it's only 3 times, but that is my fault. I asked the pediatrician about limiting food intake. he kindly said " Gus does not have a weight problem ( He is in the 25th percentile) I breathed a sigh of relief on that one. I do know that one day this trend will end and he will only eat a blueberry muffin and drink a cup of milk all day. ( Millie used to do that.. it scared me to death) As for now. Bon Apetite my little friend!

my first night as a robot

You may do this too. You may get all freaked out when there is a change in your routine, perhaps? I am notorious for panic attacks when a wrench gets thrown( a wrench I planned on throwing myself)into my routine. I'm not OCD, I swear... okay maybe just a little. I don't think I'm OCD really, I just do things in a particular order so I don't leave anything out. By this I mean I take my medicines in the same order every night, and I set up my pump the same way every time. I do this because I don't want to be awake @ 4 am panicking because did I take those meds? Did I push insulin through the catheter? If all is done accordingly, I don't worry myself to death. Kinda narcissitic, I know. Welp, I was all set up on my DexCom receiver yesterday. After a lesson that went a lot like this: " first you do this"..... "then you do this" if this happens, do this, if that doesn't work, there is a secret method that isn't in the handbook, but it seems to work. "Make sure you don't do this or this"... "if you have any questions we have tech support 24/7" " Now, let's go insert a 2" needle into your abdomen with a spring loaded gun from across the room... Don't flinch. K, have a good one..." "All done." I left the office looking like a deer in the headlights. After obsessively watching my bloodsugar hang out at around 50 for 2 hours, I thought to myself, " Self, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. What I didn't know didn't hurt me... now I can see what is going on and it is FREAKY man." Low and behold I started thinking the thing was cool. I could see that my bloodsugar was a-okay and I relaxed. I fell asleep with Millie only to be awakened by a beep the volume of an air raid siren. After I peeled myself off of the kids' bedroom ceiling I got up and did what I thought I was suposed to do. The thing just sat there mocking me. Blank screen. I did one other thing only to have the thing just sit there in silence. At 1AM I decided that the panic attack that was looming could be avoided. I picked up the phone and called the famous Tech support. I spoke to a really cool girl and she basically said " I have no idea what happened to your receiver. Forget about it for tonight and start over in the morning." So about an hour ago I sat down and took a deep breath, and I think I started over. We'll see in an hour when the calibration is complete. Tick tock, tick tock....

the bionic woman

Remember back when my A1C was 5.3? remember when my bloodsugar was never above 160?Remember how tight my control was?( even if you don't remeber these things... just nod your head and smile, okay?) Those days are gone people, GONE. I don't know what it is.... 1) noone checks up on my journal so I don't keep one? 2) I am nursing and the hormones I am releasing make my bloodsugar crazy-go-nuts? 3) I am too frikkin tired because I get 2 hours of sleep a night these days because my 3 kids like to juggle me during the night? 4) I'm too embarassed to even say that I have seen numbers like 560 and 587?( I hang my head in shame)5) could it be all of the above?? OR 6)do I shamelessly admit that I ignore my condition? The answer: 6. I could really give a rat's ass about my diabetes. I hate it. Usually when I hate something enough, it goes away. Welp, not only is my diabetes not going away... it is getting even more annoying. Like that annoying cousin who won't go away @ the family reunion because he thinks he's cool.. but really he's a big dork? Have no fear! I am signed up to get trained to use something called a Dexcom ( not to be confused with Defcon) Monitor. The dexcom monitor is a real time wireless monitor that reads my bloodsugar through a sensor in my stomach every 2 minutes. The face of the monitor shows a graph of my trends throughout the day. I can scroll back and see what my bloodsugar did that day... down load the results on my computer, and take the printed copies to my doctor for evaluation. The coolest part about this monitor is that it alarms when my bloodsugar is over 200 and under 100. That is so rockin'. Part of my problem with cronic panic attacks is fear that my bloodsugar will dive bomb in the wee hours of the morning when noone is paying attention. The monitor will mkindly beep and let me know that I need more or less insulin. I still have to stick myself 2 times a day to calibrate... but hey that's better than 8 times, right? I am a little apprehensive... boarderline panicky... but I know it's best. I also met with a hand surgeon today. Turns out I have to have a nerve conductor test done on my hand to rule out periferal neuropathy. If it's not neuropathy, I'l go under the knife for carpel tunnel surgery and trigger release surgery on my thumb. The best part of the visit ( besides the 1 1/2 hour wait in the waiting room) was when he said " we'll numb your hand and put a tourniquet on your arm... it's a simple procedure." Um, I'm gonna go pass out now.... goodbye.

Hello? Is anybody home???

Sorry friends... I got a little caught up in life and the blog took the back seat there for awhile. I can't promise I'll return as often as I used to but I am glad to update as things happen around here.

Millie and Holden turned 5. Can you believe it? I look back on all that they have accomplished and take a deep breath because I know that eventhough they have come a long way since the NICU.. that could fit on the head of a pin when it comes to their little lives.They amaze me.

I took Holden to get his beautiful long locks of hair cut off. He was basically begging to " look like a boy." I couldn't torture him any longer , so I gave in. While at the salon, Millie threw a fit. " I want my hair cut like Holden!!!" In a pure moment of panic, I suggested a stripe of color to keep her happy and in the spotlight. We came home with a little boy who looked like a boy... and a very happy little girl with a fire engine red stripe down the right side of her head. All was well.
Both kids are transitioning well into their new school. I, on the other hand, need some coaxing. I know that M&H are where they need to be.. now if only I could feel like I was part of the community. It is so different from their old preschool.
Holden is super obsessed with Starwars. He seems to know each and every detail with precision. Somehow Superkitty has been added to the cast of Starwars... good ol' Superkitty. He really is "every hero." I have convinced the kids that I attemded Jedi School. Yoda was my teacher. I know Luke and Leia, aqnd Hans Solo was a flirt and sometimes a jerk, but I still like him. In the grocery store all I have to say when the kids are acting up is , " Please don't make me use the force." and they straighten right up. Holden begs to see my light saber. I tell him that I have to keep it back @ Jedi School in a special locked box. Light sabers are dangerous, and they shouldn't be used by anyone who is untrained. Millie is going to marry Luke Skywalker. She has 3 best friends at school. She loves to sew and iron and fold laundry.

Gus... whoa.. I can hardly keep up with this little dude. I left off when Gus was first rolling over.
at 6 months he sat up
at 7 months he cut teeth
at 8 months he crawled
at 8 months he pulled up
at 9 months he started cruising
he is just shy of 10 months and he is starting to pull his hands away from his anchor... and stand for about 10 seconds. This started this week.

Gus eats like he is in an eating contest. Everything I give him goes down " his drain" ( HIP's term for a throat) A sample dinner is : 1 cup of chopped blueberries, 3/4 cup peas,3/4 c chopped chicken breast, 1 whole pear(chopped) 1/2 c water out of a glass, and when we all sit down to eat dinner together ( Gus usually eats about an hour earlier... but joins us for a sit down family meal) gus trenches off of my plate. His new current fave: spanish rice. It's fun to have a kid who loves to eat. M&H were tough. Picky. They also weren't intorduced to solid foods until they were well over a year, so I am thankful they will eat anything. Now they scarf down pretty much anything we give them ( within reason) They are all good eaters. All are willing to try anything. Millie takes some coaxing, but all in all she usually gives it a try.

I'm certainly no Montessori guru ( see http://www.mommybahn.blogspot.com if you wanna see a true Montessarus) but I am attempting to raise Gus in a modified Montessori environment. One of those things is his bedroom. Unlike M&H's room ( murals all over the place.. toys , books, and swings) Gus' room is neat and tidy. Organized. Simple. Quiet. Predictible. I borrowed the idea of a floor bed from my good friend Amanda. When I saw that she was going to put her daughter in a floor bed I thought " whoa man.. that's brave." Then I remembered the months of pure hell Parker and I lived through when HIP learned how to climb out of his crib.( @ 14 months) We lived in pure terror. Would he fall? Would he wander through the house @ night sneaking down to the kitchen to let himself out to go for a dip in the pool? He never did... but in our minds.. he was willing and able.. and most of all : unstoppable. The floorbed not only prevents those falls, it encourages independance. Gus crawls into his bed when he wants to crawl into his bed. I nurse him before he goes to bed. After he is done nursing, I put him on his bed. He typically grabs his blanket and sucks his thumb for a bit. He usually puts the blanket down and crawls around the room one last time. He pats his rocking chair. He pulls up to look out of the window. He tries to latch onto a few of the drawer pulls on his dresser. Then, he crawls to his bed and grabs his blanket and puts his head down and hums himself to sleep. He sleeps on his own terms. Hence: no screaming and crying. He sleeps 12 hours a night ( unless he is teething). When he wakes up in the morning, he crawls out of bed and I hear him go " Ba? Ba ba ma?
Gus LOVES to " chase" M&H around the family room. They do a great job of interacting with him. Millie has a bad habit of carrying Gus across the room against his will... and throwing in an apology when he cries... but other than that she is a little mommy to him. He glows when she plays with him. She's really good @ making people feel important. Holden just tries to scare Gus ( although he would never admit that).
Gus is also starting to mimic sounds. His new big one is blowing raspberries. He spits all over my face and cracks up. It is really funny.

My friend Cathy and I are in the process of starting up our baby carrier company. It's coming along slowly, but it's coming along nevertheless. I am excited about getting things off the ground. I'll post website details and other updates as they develop.

I have developed something called " trigger thumb" in both of my thumbs. Funny that I woud get trigger thumb.. since I hate guns so much. Basically what is going on is diabetes related. The tendon that runs from the top joint of my thumb.. down to the base of my thumb is so tight I cannot straighten or bedn my thumbs easily. They are swollen and man it hurts. I tried wearing a brace for awhil.. but it didn't work. I cannot have cortisone injections ( no anti inflamatory meds for me because of my kidneys) SO basically I am probably looking at surgery. I am going to put it off until I am done nursing. No pain killers for my sweet baby thanks.

Parker is working hard. He takes the kids to school for me every day which is such a big help. The kids live to listen to XM kids. They come home singing hilarious kid songs. Parker even admits that XM kids stays on the radio after the kids are out of the car. :)

I'll update the pics when I finally get around to uploading them on the 'puter.

Sorry about the delay. We missed you.

sniff sniff... oops...I mean: snip snip

Here we go again. Why is it that haircuts disturb me so? I will gladly lop off my hair to a feminine buzz cut.. but when it comes to my children's hair.. I insist on their hairstyles to be long and luscious. Since Gus was born he has had a head of hair on him. Beautiful strawberry blonde craziness. Lately he has been rubbing his eyes.. and the lock of bangs just didn't want to scoop to the side. In hopes of recovering his glorious mohawk, I took some shears to his little head yesterday. When I look back on the pictures, I get sad, because he was ( in my opinion .. his mother's OPINION.. ie: I'm not projecting my child's appearance on anyone) SO CUTE. I'm not saying that he's not cute now. I think I did a bang up job on his new style. I just prefer long hair. I had planned on " letting it go" until he was one. Out of respect of my 8 month old who was in danger of becoming cross eyed, I did him a favor. The thing I hate most is how much older he looks with a haircut. Where did my baby go????

Run !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't walk... away from this weirdness! Okay, lemme start from the beginning. I don't shy away from letting my kids sit in front of the digital babysitter every now and then. I think TV has a lot to offer on levels I cannot provide for my kids. I gotta tell ya, that Magic School Bus on Discovery kids is fascinating! Where else could you get swallowed by a classmate in a micro sized school bus along with your class and eccentric teacher ( Miss Grizzle) and actually see what happens to food when you swallow it. I did however notice that the writers didn't attempt to explain how food EXITS your body. I was waiting to see how they were gonna draw a big poop with a little school bus inside. Luckily they didn't go there, and I didn't have to visualize THAT for the rest of the day. I digress. I don't have a problem with letting my kids take it down a notch after a hard day at school. I am not one of those parents who has this attitude that TV is the devil... and their kids are forbidden to watch tv. I think a lot of the time this kind of talk is part of their show. And I think they are elitist. Well, elitist parents.. tell me.. why do your kids love Spongebob Squarepants... and how come your kid's birthday party was Disney Princess? Hmmm??? No TV my ass. I'm not saying that these people are bad or wrong. Do what you want.. I do not judge. I'm just saying.. don't pretend that your kid is pure.. when you know that you sometimes need a break and you pop in a DVD every once and awhile. I actually think families without TVs are great!I also think that families who forbid their kids to watch TV are fine... as long as it's consistent.I know plenty of TV free families. ( I mean REAL tv free families)and those kids aren't hurting in any way. All the power to ya. I can't imagine having enough energy to entertain my kids when they are tired or bored... and I have 45 phone calls to make. What I'm trying to say is: I hate when people lie and make thier families out to be better than everyone else's. I DO however prohibit any cartoon characters on any clothing or shoes.. unless of course it's retro ( ie: Superman.. or Wonder Woman.. oh what I woudn't give for a lasso of truth!) Our birthday parties are gender neutral... and focused on the kids.. not advertizing for the man. Again, I digress.( who's the elitist now?HA!) My kids go to school and learn about decimals, binomials and trinomials, Millie can sew a button on a piece of fabric, iron a towel, and polish glass and silver. They know secondary and terciary colors. I feel like a little TV isn't going to make their minds melt and their eyeballs fall out.Life is full of lessons. One of those lessons is that entertainment is good for the soul. HOWEVER: Holden is home from school today with a fever and belly ache. He is laying on the couch watching Discovery kids. A new show came on. Hip Hop Harry. Are you familiar? Well, if not.. lemme sum it up:A Barney-esque dude in an oversized sports jersey and a baseball hat twisted 45 degrees to the side. Hip hop Harry dances around with a bunch of kids singing " When I say hey you say ho... heyyyy ( hoooo ) heyyyy (hoooooo) when I say hey you say ho.. Hey( hoooo) hey( hooo) Go Bobby it's yer birfday..." I swear these kids were "krumping." Then all of a sudden Hip Hop Harry proceeds to do a "helicopter" and finish off the show with a head spin.I stood in the kitchen with the water running in the sink oddly mesmerized by the oddness of this concept. Holden seemed to LOVE it. I was just waiting for him to turn around to me and say ," Mom, can we have Hip Hop Harry Birthday party?"

School daze

Today is the first day of school For Millie and Holden. Notice both are suited up in their elastic waisted pants and velcro sneakers( both required wardrobe for primary students at their new school.) Pay no mind to the fine art Holden added to the fireplace hearth. That was another day... at another time. Things are lookin' up. :)

Both kids were cooperative and excited for their new adventure. I hope they are having fun. The new school is a lot more strict than their old school. ( may it rest) This place has a handbook that's 200 pages thick... and seemingly a long list of rules and regulations. I s'poze it's a good thing. I think our Little HIP needs positive direction. The directress ( yes, that is her official title)of the school says that HIP has " joyful exuberance." Parker and I think that since Montessori doesn't often use the word " hyper" that was a kind way of saying.. " don't feed your kid sugar coated chocolate bombs for breakfast before school."
Millie was happy to go to school today. She was eager to get dressed, and get her picture taken for the big event.. and to meet her new friends, eventhough she misses her " old friends." I miss her old friends too. I keep thinking back on our little trip through JAF ( old school) SO sweet. So loving. So available. The new school I'm sure offers these things too, but right now it feels like there is a lot of structure, and there is no room for compromise. Listen to me, it's like it's MY first day of school.

Well, the good news is : Parker got the kids to school 15 minutes early! He actually had to wait for the primary carpool drop off.( that's a first!) Both kids hopped out and gladly walked into the school. Shew! No water works. Let's see how tomorrow goes. :)

Things that make you go "mmmmmm"

Just reporting that Our boy Angus is ( so far) a pretty good " eater."
For breakfast he eats a variation of some carbs, a fruit and a protein. I chose between : ground up brown rice, ground millet, ground oatmeal. Banana. Peach/nectarine. Prunes. Flax seed waffles or whole grain waffles. For his protein he eats an egg yolk. I have started mixing the grains along with a banana each day and he seems to enjoy each combo more than the last. Today's combo was oatmeal and ground millet with a mashed banana. He ate that along with an entire nutragrain waffle. I think he's a bottomless pit!( or he has that awful condition where his mind doesn't tell him when he's full. :) )

He nurses through out the day.( up to 6 times)

His afternoon snack is a whole wheat teething biscuit and a fruit.

His dinner is still holding steady at 1/2 an avocado & mashed banana with a tablespoon of wheat germ, a piece of whole grain bread, mashed sweet potato with apples, and a mango.


Millie and holden were pretty good eaters, but they ate jarred foods. Now that I look back I could have exposed them to so much more had I made their foods as I am with Gus. I'm not complaining about Millie and Holden's diet. They eat what I give them. I always remember to feed them something tasty ( kid food)every once and awhile, so they are open to food changes. No chicken nuggets and mac & cheese. ( only when the babysitter comes over.. then they can do whatever they want. Popscicles for dinner? Sure the baby sitter is here YAY!! )My kids do put away some sushi,lox , kamut noodles, and Holden ate a sheet of seaweed last week . Millie just said "ew, NO thanks."( after I bought my sister a package of seaweed as a joke for her birthday)

At month 7 Gus will be introduced to carrots/tofu/seaweed/seeds /flax oil, and a handful of new fruits and veggies.

I wonder how he will eat as an adult, since we are introducing him to super healthy foods as a base. Time will only tell. ( Well, time and his big brother and sister saying " ewww" every time I give him something new. :) )

Help me if you can I'm feelin' down

And I do appreciate you bein' round.... help me get my feet back on the ground.. won't you please,please help me......
Millie has become a troubled youth. I know what you are thinking. Millie is almost 5, not 16. Well let me just tell you, something is up, and I'm not smart enough, or mommy savvy enough to be able to psychoanalyze her.

Her temper has become increasingly hot. I have been known to throw a plate or a set of keys( not since I had kids... they don't need more reasons for a shrink when they get older) in my day... so it doesn't surprise me that her sheer volume and ability to pitch a fit has reared it's ugly head. I inherited this from my father. That guy is the nicest , sweetest, most giving guy on Earth... until someone tailgates him, then WATCH OUT! Seems that that gene has been passed down from the master.
Last week Millie and I argued about a banana for a half an hour. I'm not saying that I want to scare my child. Because I don't. What I would like to be able to do is: say, " I think you need to take more than one bite of that banana before you throw it away." Instead of getting so mad at her because she refuses to do anything she doesn't want to do. If she doesn't want to put her shoes away, she just doesn't. If she doesn't want to eat her dinner, she doesn't. If she doesn't want to wait to swing on a swingset, she doesn't. It's not that I'm not trying here. I say, " Please put your shoes away so we know where to find them next time." She responds: " I will not put those shoes away." Which in turn makes me say something stupid like " Put the shoes away or I will pitch them in the garbage." Which just pisses the wee one off... and she sighs heavily, rolls her eyes and bends over very dramatically and throws them in the closet in a huff... and growls at me.Then I think to myself, " how can I handle this situation differently/more effectively?? She has started screaming and bawling and pulling on my arms, hands and pants. ( something I hate. When they pull on my pants, my pump usually falls off of my hip... and crashing to the floor. It's just not a good thing to have your lifeline break because of a couple of 4 year olds' temper tantrums. )I had one goal this summer: The children will not interrupt me while I am on the phone. Neither of them are getting the hint( My simple rule is: unless someone is bleeding or unconscious~ DO NOT INTERRUPT ME.) After the banana argument ended (ie: Millie chucked a mushy banana down the steps at my head) I have noticed an increased number of times Millie cries throughout the day. Her increased shyness.Her ability to say PLEASE 1,000,000 times in order to get what she wants. ( " Mom, can I have candy?" " Mom can I please have candy?" " Mom, can I have candy? PULEEZE~ MOM! CAN I HAVE CANDY?? PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( bawling ,sobbing ,pulling on my pants) Her intolerance of her brother( Holden) Holden is no help as he pretends to be the golden child when she is at her lowest, saying things like " I sure do LOVE bananas Mom, I could eat about a hundred of them." Okay Forrest Gump... let's not aggravate Happy Fun Ball over there.
I do suspect a few reasons for her fury. 1) The baby gets a lot of attention. ( not , " ohhh look at that good baby boy isn't he cute?" kind of attention...it's the " I can't play right now, I have to feed Gus and put him in for a nap. Maybe when I'm done, okay?" kind of attention) 2) Holden has learned how to swim and is currently learning to ride a 2 wheeler. This being said: this is status quo for Millie. Holden walked when he was 15 months old. He was clutsy and always getting hurt. Millie watched & waited and when she turned 22 months, she stood up and walked perfectly. He throws caution to the wind. She observes, and when ready,she executes with precision. She's a perfectionist to a T. 3) Millie and Holden's sweet little Montessori preschool closed. ( rather abruptly I might add) Millie Girl does not like change. The school gave us an option of sending the kids to the other campus... but our fear was that we'd be changing their environments too often, with kindergarten just around the corner. SO Parker and I enrolled them in a new school... a new school that goes up to 8th grade. A Montessori elementary school that won't set us back 40K each year. It's really a dream come true. A dream come true for everyone except Millie. She asks where her friends are going to be. She asks if her teachers will be there. She asks if I will be there. I am so sad for her. I know she will be fine, it's just that unknown that always sets us back. Sadly, she inherited that from me too. On the other hand~ Holden is psyched! Ready to roll. New school = new friends, new teachers, new practical life skills, NEW PLAYGROUND! WOO HOO! ( Don't even go there JAF friends... (Shaking my head in sadness)) Holden asks me on a daily basis, "Is tomorrow September mom?" Millie interrupts me and says " SEPTEMBER WILL NEVER BE HERE." I'm pretty sure that our little Millie is feeling overwhelmed because of the combination of all 3 things I mentioned above. I just WISH I could keep a level head and know how to deal with her emotions without losing my cookies. My frustration level is getting lower each day. I'm not sure if it's because I'm oerwhelmed w/ mommy stuff.. or if it's because I just don't know what to do with myself when I'm mad.. how do I deal with my "Mini Me?"

I'm warning you lady!

If Gus could talk , here's what he would have sadi to me tonight at dinner:
" Mom, listen to me. I have had a rough coupla days here. From a fever of 102.5 ~ to a rather sleepless night the other night, to some herpe-esque bumps on my lips,tongue and probably my throat ( that I've been rubbing all over you and your milk bar). I know that I have led you to believe that I LOVE avocado. I normally do! But PULEEZE ... if you love me you will stop force feeding me smashed avocado. I am warning you. If you give me one more bite, I'll , uggg, mgm,gmgggmmm, gack !grrr!( chewing smashed up avocado) THAT'S IT! I'm sticking this spoon in my eye!"

We're gonna need to take one of our sick days

Look at these faces. Ohhh my poor boys. Seems that we picked up a case of the coxsackievirus at the family reunion.Millie had it earlier this week...now the boys are all laid up with sickness, just sickness.. Gosh, I couldn't be happier. Gus has had a pretty good run without getting sick. I should be happy that we went just about six months with out even catching a cold. Pretty good for a kid who has 2 older siblings who bring hom a petri dish of goodies during the school year. I can hardly muster up a smile when I look at poor Gus, he's so sad!!! Holden was sick last week ( barfing) and now he is sitting in the other room with a 104.4 fever... suckin' down his 3rd " sick popscicle" ( pedialite pop) . He seems to be handling it better than poor baby Gus. HIP loves his popscicles man.I am just waiting to get this stupid virus! Gus sucks all over my face and lips daily... especially when he's tired. Ohhhh the joys of parenthood. Anyone wanna bet when I get this? I say Monday.

rollin', rollin', rollin',get those doggies rollin'

Our freedom is gone. That's right peeps, Angus rolls. I know most kids roll a little earlier, but Gus is our third kid and we aren't encouraging him to do anything but be a baby. :) ( ie: I'm not ready to have to perform preventative thinking on behalf of my infant son.) I like that I can leave him on the edge of the couch and he won't roll off. Anywayyyyy, I am glad my babe decided to think for himself and roll his little self over. He seems rather pleased with his new skill... oh, except for the time he rolled his face into the fireplace stone. Yeah, that was a little rough on his sweet baby soft forehead. Time is flyin' by. Wasn't Angus born just yesterday? Wait, weren't Millie and Holden born just yesterday?? !

And the World's best baby award goes to...

( in the almost 6 month old category) Angus! Yes friends, I think Gus is indeed the world's best baby. The World's best baby who is amost 6 months old ~ that is. I know lots of babies who would take the award in the other age groups. ( Including the 4 year old twin category) Millie and Holden were rockin' babies. I was a new mom who wanted nothing more than control. For that, I "fought" tooth and nail to get MS & HIP to follow my lead. With a few years of mothering experience, I have learned one valuable lesson: let the baby tell you what it needs. ( cause... noone can tell a baby what to do. :) ) A day with Gus is simple: He wakes up daily @ 7:2o on the dot. I hear him sucking his thumb and quietly giggling. I look over and he usually smiles a big toothless grin and says " baa baaaaaaaaaa hahahahah ( squeal!) I pick him up and inhale a huge breath of his pure babyness and take him to clean him up before his first meal. He smiles and kicks his feet while I change him. He usually wimpers a little bit as I button up his PJs because dammit I'm not going fast enough. I take him to our bed and lie him down on my side. I lie next to him and nurse him into oblivion. He usually falls asleep after both sides are drained. I usually wake up and see him nuzzled up to my boob.. with his thumb in his mouth... his other hand resting softly on my chest. He wakes up with a smile. He bats at Parker's face , smiles and says "Baaaaa baaa baaa baaa" After the morning chats are over( ie: Parker whispers, "I am gonna sleep for 5 more minutes and get up to take a shower"... and rolls over and goes to sleep...) Guster and I go downstairs. A couple of hours later his sister and brother usually join us for breakfast. Gus loves to eat! For breakfast he eats half of a banana, 2 tablespoons of homemade brown rice cereal ( super baby porridge) , blended prunes, 1/4 nectarine, and a gulp of water from his cup. He laughs and feeds himself. He also loves to hold his cup and drink and spill water all over the place. Millie and Holden love to watch. It is quite a site! No matter what time it is... Gus is glad to take a nap. After his breakfast he nurses for about 5 minutes, sits up and stuffs his thumb in his mouth, as if to say: "I've had my fill.. now put me down to rest. I love you. :)" Gus will sleep for a few hours and wake up happy. He never cries when he wakes up. He just lies in his bed happily babbling and playing with "Tickle" his rabbit. Gus is easy going. He is as predictible as the sunshine in the Summer. He laughs at Millie and Holden when they play with him. He smiles at strangers. He lets strangers who only speak Spanish hold him.. and he smiles and laughs at them too. He LOVES Ruby Jones. He doesn't fuss when Ruby slimes him on the mouth. Gus thinks TV is funny. He loves to ride in his slings, and he kicks in delight when I kiss him on the head. He thinks it is fun when Millie holds him( which is a lot) Gus loves his avacado/banana mash. He slurps down sweet potato and chunks of nectarines and peaches. Gus will drink out of a bottle, a glass, a plastic cup, a sippy cup,a sports bottle, and a straw. If Gus misses a nap.. he is no worse for the wear. He goes with the flow, with a smile on his face.Gus goes to bed happily at 8 pm every night( this concept is strange to us.. since Millie and Holden are IMPOSSIBLE to get to bed... always have been.) I'm telling you people, after 3 months of pure anxiety and post partum depression, I sit back and wonder to myself, why do I deserve all of this? I am so lucky. I'm trying not to sound too braggy here. I just look back at my life 5 years ago, and I never thought I'd ever have this pure joy. Millie , Holden, and Gus are so cool. I have the best job in the world.I hope this lasts. Honestly I am waiting for the bomb to drop.. and real life to begin. HA!

Who's my Hollaback girl?

That's right people. Gwen Stefani is MY Hollaback girl. Why you ask? Because she clearly copied and bought the same Rockin' Baby sling for her baby Kingston ( as seen in Us Weekly.)as I bought for Gus. Sometimes it's painful being so cool :) GAH I'm crackin' myself up over here. :)

Thank you sir, may I have another?

HE LOVES IT!!! Can't you tell? Okay. Gus didn't love avocado. He tolerated it when it was blended with mashed banana. Poor guy. My Super Baby food book says that avocados are the best thing to feed babies because of the fatty acids good for brain development. I'm going to try to se if he'll learn to accept avocado if I blend it with yummier, tastier foods.
He was a good sport.. gagging his way through the meal.
My good baby... look at him trying to smile his way through the torture.

The Millie-ism of the day:

Today's Millie-ism is:

"Right now we have tiny heinies... but when we grow up, our heinies are gonna be big like Mommy's."

I think I'm flattered. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that statement, but(t) ( haha pun intended!) for now I'll believe that she just wants to grow up and be like her mommy. :) Ba-donka-donk and all.

He eats solids! ( applause & cheering!)

This year, on my birthday ( July 2) I decided( a little bit against what I wanted, but knew Gus was giving me signs that he was ready) to have Parker feed him his first bowl of rice cereal. ( Like I am the boss around here or something) The kid loved it. Gus had his mouth open like a baby bird the whole time. He would take a bite and open his mouth almost immediately for another go. Parker was careful not to force him to open his mouth, or make a fuss over cereal on his face.( including his eyebrows, eyelids, and ears) I had been back and forth on if we should wait until he was 6 months old and nurse exclusively... or just give him the cereal. Gus LOVES to nurse. I think he'd be one of those 4 year olds nursing himself to sleep at night. I don't have a problem with that so much... we all need security. I however think that I will want to get my life back in order before then. As much of a wannabe hippie I am, I also have limits. I think Gus will surviveif I take his boobies away at about 1 or 1 1/2 years. Gus has been eating whole grain rice cereal and bananas. I am following along in a book called Super Baby Food. Man the author( Ruth Yaron) is SO KNOWLEDGEABLE .. seemingly about everything! She writes about everything from meal prep,eating areas,recipies,food tables,nutritional values,the good bad and the ugly,bacterias( good and bad) cleaning, home made cleaning products, freezing food ( ie: food cubes)... and so much more. I get dizzy when I read it because it has so much info. I bought it back when Millie and HIP were about 18 months. Their diet restrictions ( due to their surgeries etc...) Prevented me from trying anything from the book. This time I will be making Gus' food... so I get more bang for my buck, and I have that elusive control. :) I am getting ready to give Gus avacado. I'm sure he'll suck it down. He seems rather pleased to chew his food, as long as I have his boob ready to go as soon as he is done mashing bananas in his ears.

stylin'

Does anyone else thing that Gus looks like a cross between Squiggy and Mr. T?

This kid has hair that won't quit!


A few weeks ago, in an undisclosed location... A man I don't know( but has some relation to Parker's mom's family) said to me " That kid has a mohawk ." ( REALLY? Oh my goodness... I hadn't noticed! Note blatant sarcasm) I responded to " Man who's name I don't know." " Yeah, his name is Angus... when your namesake is a rocker, you gotta look the part, right? The "Man" said " Ohh like Angus Young right? AC/DC? I said, "sort of...Just kidding, I grew up on an Angus farm, he's named after it." The dude looked me square in the face and said , " YOU NAMED YOUR KID AFTER A COW?" ( that's prime grade,w/traceable bloodline to Scotland ,certified USDA beef to you, SIR)
I said, " Noooooo, I named him after a very special place." Here's my point: ( I have said this in the past, but I'll gladly repeat myself) If you can't say anything nice...don't say it at all. My child is named perfectly for him. His name suits him. I almost blurted out, " Dude , don't make me suckerpunch you in front of your kids." Whoa, did I actually think that? Where did the bad ass mama in me come from? Anyways. If you don't like Gus' name~ Fine... but don't tell me how you feel. It hurts my feelings... and it also makes me think bad things about you. So there.

After the pause

Sorry it's been so long. The kids are on Summer vacation, ( whoever came up with the term "summer vacation" obviously doesn't have children. There is no vacation in sight for a SAHM) So far this summer we have been to the beach 3 times. Holden has thrown up twice. Millie broke out in hives and her top lip swelled up so much ( and so quickly) that I burst out laughing when I first saw it. Millie and Holden fight like cats and dogs. Millie has started scratching Holden when she doesn't get her way. Holden has been advised to wear a shirt at all times. Holden has an INSANE imagination. He plays with his imaginary friend " Super Kitty" all the time. He is sensitive and requires 5 night lights in his bedroom, or he " just can't sleep." His favorite song currently is " Mr. Roboto." Millicent LOVES Gus so much it's boarderline annoying. Every 20 seconds ( and I am not exaggerating) she says " Can I hold Gus? ( but it sounds like this : " canIholdGusMommy?Mom, canIholdGus??") She is a sweet little mother to the baby brother, but a cranky pants with her twin... declaring " I AM OLDER THAN YOU!!" Gotta love that 28 pound 4 year old's moxy. Gus is rolling from belly to back, and alllllllmost from his back to his belly. He says " bababababababa" every morning to wake me up. Then he smiles a big toothless grin, and I know that this day will be grand. He loves his blanket (which I have named " love.") Gus is a champion thumb sucker. He's a good napper and a great nighttime sleeper. I am getting ready to introduce solid foods to the wee one.He LOVES bananas. Everytime I eat something he sticks his hand in my mouth, or physically bats things off of my fork or out of my hand. I think he's trying to tell me something. I better follow him. Gus has a natural mohawk,loves the word " stinky" ( makes him belly laugh) and the patience of a saint when it comes to Millie and Holden always up in his chicken. My panic attacks have slowed down to maybe one every other day if I am lucky. Which is cool, much better than the 40-50 mini panic attacks I was having each night~ back in the peak of my PPD. Exhausting. It's been a year since I found out I was pregnant. What a year! I had a weird dream last night that I was pregnant again. I woke up in a cold sweat. :) Parker works his butt off. He lost 12 lbs on the South Beach diet. He is lookin' cute. Right now Millie is with my mom getting a little " one on one attention." She needs it. A naked little boy just walked in and said ," Whatcha doin'?" ( which is code for " Daddy wants to play on the computer. Give it up. + it's time for my bath.) I better scoot my fruit.

Parker and His Mini Me

Okay, I guess they do look alike after all. I have been thinkin' that Gus looks more like my dad than anyone, but this pretty much clinches it. Gus looks like his daddy.

Surviving a haircut, 101

I think I have to admit it. My children are growing up right before my eyes. I took Millie and Holden to get their first ( professional) haircuts on Wednesday. I have been battling the idea of giving up control to another person for quite some time now. I have been weilding scissors over Holden's hair for 4 years now. There's something about the creative control that I MUST own. Alas, I gave in and made an appointment with a children's salon here in town. I was one of those ANNOYING parents, ( I never thought I'd be) watching like a hawk over this poor woman's shoulder. Carol ( stylist) was very patient with me... and my flashing camera.( I ended up taking over 200 pictures... obsess much?Jeesh) Millie ended up getting about 6" taken off. It's a little shorter than I'd like it to be, but it's for the best. Her hair was so broken and split at the ends. Both kids were hesitant about getting their hair cut. Holden said, " Mom, you're not going to sob are you?" ( remember back in december when I lobbed off his locks for Parker's Christmas gift?") Millie flashed a major sad face, and tears welled up in her eyes. She said very quietly, " Mama, I don't wanna get a haircut." ( while she choked back the tears... big lip sticking out) I said, " welp Peanut, your hair isn't going to grow much longer if we don't trim off the end a little bit.It'll be fun, you'll see."( as I tried to keep the tears from welling up in my eyes.) She agreed, and sat very still. It's funny how much thicker her hair looks and feels now. Holden was unphased by the haircut. He did however like sitting in the cool chair. Sometimes I think I'm a big weirdo. I am a complete control freak about how my children's hair looks and their person al style... but when I go to the salon to get my hair cut, I say , " Have at it. I trust you." I always leave looking temporarily cool. ( After I wash it.. I always go right back to " Mom hair.") I have had every color under the rainbow.( including silver and bronze) I have shaved my head pretty much bald. I have had extensions to my butt. I have permed, straightened, and attempted dreads. Maybe one day my kids will experiment with their looks. I'm down with that. Watch~ They'll keep their hair trimmed and neat... and properly highlighted. That would be my luck. :)

too perfect

We found the most perfect t-shirt for our Wee Angus. I'm sure Angus Young would be proud. I knew "Tiny" would be born a natural rocker.

Mornings at our house

For those of you who know us well, you know this very simple fact: WE ARE NOT MORNING PEOPLE. When Scarlett became part of Parker and my life, I remember saying ," hey, a puppy will help us get up and go in the mornings!" 2 months later, I find Parker and Scarlett the puppy all snuggled up still in bed @ 2 pm... after I returned from Core, and that dumb "mirrors used in fine art in history." class I was forced to take. ( dumb academic credits) I digress. After 2 months of dog ownership we had trained our puppy not to be a morning person either. Jump ahead 5 years. Millie and Holden are born. We are thrown into the baby machine. Change, feed,burp, sleep, play, cry,sleep,feed,cry,sleep,change,feed,..... repeat. ( 20 times a day... not necessarily in that order.. but remember to multiply that by 2. )By the time Millie and HIP were 10 months old, they were sleeping until 11 am. I was told by a person who shall remain nameless, " Oh my God, wake those kids up and get on with your day." Um, NO. Waking up babies is against my religion. I do not wake up babies. I certainly do not wake up twins if I don't have to. Millie and Holden did not wake up before 10 am ( unless forced to ) until they started going to school. Jump to today. Today was like most days. Gus giggles and wiggles in his bassinet @ about 6 am. ( he typically sleeps from 9pm-6am.) I peer over with one eye open . He catches my gaze and smiles a toothless smile. I pick him up and smell his divine baby smell, and squeeze him tight. I walk him to the bathroom and lay him in his happy place( the counter on a pillow wrapped in fleece. )He loves this place so much. I think it's because the mirror allows him to check out his rad baby self while I wipe him and change his stinkers. He typically grabs his peep, and I panic because I haven't cut his fingernails in awhile. Gus winds up into a massive crying fit. I change the diaper in 10 seconds flat and pick him up, wherein he stops crying immediately. I walk over to my side of the bed, lay him on a cloth diaper. Gus wails because I can't whip my boob out fast enough. Parker moans and rolls over. I pop the booby in the crying baby mouth and the child suckles for an HOUR. I love every second of it. 7 am: After popping all of my pills and brushing the teeth. I roll downstairs to pack to lunches. I make 1 pb&j. cut in half. Cut up an orange pepper, place in baggies. Wash and cut up some sort of fruit. fish throught the drawer of granola bars for bags of cookies. Get overpriced, organic chocolate and strawberry milks out of fridge. I try to draw something of interest on a small love note for each lunch box. I rememer the days where I used to draw small masterpieces for my kids' lunchboxes, so they knew I loved them more than the world, and I wasn't forcing them into school because I didn't want them around, I just knew they were ready. Back to today. I write I heart you Holden, and I heart you Millie a with a simple drawing in marker and slap each note in the lunches.. knowing that I could still draw if I wanted to.. but I just don't have the time anymore. I place the lunchboxes at the back door. Stop off at the computer to check the weather.. so I don't dress the peeps inappropriately for the day. I mosey back upstairs, kiss each 4 1/2 year old child on the head and say " 2 minutes." I pick out outfits, unders, and socks. I say , " okay up and at'em." I hear a wraspy voice whipser from under the covers, " where are we going?" I say " school." I hear, " I'm not going to school." I say.. uh yes you are.. you love school." I hear a very clear, " NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I'M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL." I think to myself, UG. I hear, " Holden first." Then I hear another different wraspy voice from under the other set of covers, " Millie." Then it's back and forth. " holden, " Millie, " holden..." and I finally say, " Let's get dressed at the same time. " I hear , "NO." ( simultaneously) In walks groggy Parker with fussy Gus. I take fussing baby. He cheers up. Kids sit in beds, hair every direction, sweaty. I say, " please get dressed. " they say , " no." I say.. " okay I'm getting a little annoyed." they say " we're not going to school." I say, " I gotta go get your breakfasts ready. ( time check: 8:30) I freak out. " Get dressed and come downstairs." ( in my mommy voice. I have forgotten how to be nice. I didn't yell.. I just said it while clentching my teeth. Baby is crying. Kids are WAILING, " NO MOMMY!!! HELP USSSSSSSSSSS!" I say , " nope. get dressed." Millie literally jumps into her clothes, picks out shoes and flies down the steps. Holden sits in bed screaming. I calmly walk to the steps and say. " GET OUT OF BED. PICK UP YOUR CLOTHES AND SHOES. WALK TO THE STAIRS. WALK DOWN THE STEPS. I AM DONE WITH THIS NONSENSE." Holden walks downstairs. Sits at the table. Eats his cereal. Baby is now crying. I nurse baby while kids eat. Baby falls asleep. I take him to up his crib. Just as I am leaving the room, Millie and Holden come upstairs and scream something about how Millie looked at Holden and he didn't like it. Millie stomps her foot and spits. Baby wakes up crying. Holden cries. I'm on the verge of crying. Husband is in Shower. Time check: 8:55. I sigh. They should be in the car. I take fussy baby downstairs. Parker is making scrambled eggs. Mutters something about me not having time to make him breakfast. I raise my eyebrows higher than my hairline and tell myself not to dump scrambled eggs on his head. I put holden's shoes on while I hold the fussy overtired baby, and listen to how " Superkitty and Danny Phantom are going to save us from the bad guys,"( in one ear) and How " Alexa has a cool pair of brown flip flops."( in the other ear) Parker says , " Call sears. The dishwasher is broken." Grrr. Fine. Fine.. no big deal. I kiss my children. Holden says, " Mom, you know I love you." I said, You know I love YOU too pal. He smiles and walks to the door. Millie hugs me and kisses me. I know they will have a good day. I walk back upstairs and nurse the babe . He falls asleep in the calm. I call Sears. As I wait on hold for 30 minutes, a crazy robin pecks on the office window. Just as the operator picks up, the baby wakes up crying. Good timing. I sigh and go back upstairs and try to talk and take care of fussy babe at the same time. Today was pretty much like any other day ( minus the broken dishwasher.) I'm thinking about joining the circus. ( one without animals ;) )I think I'm pretty qualified.

and the worst mother of the year award goes to....

The worst mother of the year award goes right to : Me. After a week of HIP telling me " Mom, for mother's day, we're giving you and Gus a bathing suit." I did actually have a visual of me wearing Gus in one of the cups of my bikini top. A bathing suit where you can actually tuck the baby in with you is not a half bad idea, really. I'm sure an attachment parent somewhere will invent it one of these days. Back to the point. HIP started talking about this mother's day gift on Tuesday. This morning, there was a lot of whispering about mother's day surprises and the like. As Parker was getting ready for the day, HIP was jumping in and out of our bath tub.. I stated, " Please do NOT buy me a bathing suit Parker, I like to try them on, and these things ( pointing to my boobs) are a little different than they used to be." Parker's face melted with sadness. He said " Ame, when I asked the kids what we should get you for Mother's day, Holden said ' a bathing suit for Mommy and Gus!!' and he hasn't stopped talking about it since. He's so excited." After I realized the magnitude of the statement I had made, I corrected myself by saying, " Please get me a black bathing suit, okay?" I hope I didn't crush poor little HIP. Bad mommy. Bad, bad, mommy.

his happy place

Here we are. This people, is where Gus is happy. It seems that if Gus is put in any other place, he cries. Gus can sleep in this pouch for hours upon end. The minute I put him down he wakes up screaming. Gus sleeps in the carrier through: folding laundry, doing dishes, playtime with Millie and Holden, when Millie and Holden argue ( which seems to be more and more these days) and the rest of what makes our life absolutely crazy. Gus seems to like chaos. HAHA! In my attempts to become more organized... I have become completely overwhelmed with amount of crap we have in our home and it's level of disorganization. I go to friends' houses and leave feeling so blue and overwhelmed because I know that I have to return to the state of affairs I call my home. It seems that the more I try, the worse it gets. I find myself arguing with myself ( and my inner voices) over which pile of crap gets precedence over the other. I feel like I'm spreading myself too thin with the crap piles ( some literally ( thanks to Ruby Jones) ) the laundry piles, the toy piles, mail piles, and the piles and lists of things that need to be done floating around in my head. Add in the two 4 year olds who deserve time with their mom other than following her around cleaning up while she's complaining that other people have clean homes.. why can't she? I know things could be way worse. Once, just once I'd like to come into my house and not sigh, because eventhough I spent the greater part of the day working hard to get things put away/ washed/folded/ organized, it doesn't look like I've done a thing in weeks. How do "those people" do it? How do they keep things so orderly? I know that being a mom is supposed to be challenging... but how come I can't seem to put this stuff on hold for a little while and appreciate how good things really are, instead of laboring over the things I find that are bad?

3 Months

Okay so I'm being brave and putting a picture of my lil' Gus on the ol' blog. At 3 months of age Gus seems to developing into quite a little man. He talks and mimics our sounds. He has an infectious belly laugh. He's sleeping through the night. He loves Millie and Holden. He thinks it's funny when Ruby Jones licks his face. He has discovered his hands, and has held on to a toy for a few minutes. In my attempts to keep things simple for him, he doesn't get a lot of outright stimulation.. so when he hears the TV he becomes quite pensive. He is still very attached to his mama, but will tolerate other people holding him for a few minutes here and there. My back is getting quite strong. He weighs in at 13lbs 1 oz. ( as much as Millicent Susan weighed @ 13 months old) My experience with Gus is so different than my experiences with Millie and Holden when they were babies. What a treat, to see how different everyone can be. When people comment on how much Gus looks like his daddy, I agree, but at times I see MY dad in his face. I get lost in Gus a lot. When I should be folding stupid laundry, or clearing the table. I'll look down at my sleeping babe and realize I've been just looking at him for a half an hour. Like my other 2 rock stars, Gus is a very cool little kid. I'm glad he's here.

oy

I know it's been awhile. It's just that there has been so much going on, I just can't keep up anymore. I had to slack off on something. Well, the blog was the first thing to go. One reason is: the blog freaked me out a little. I knew in the beginning of my blog that strangers were reading my very personal life stories. They were reading about my hopes and dreams and gathering opinions about me and my family. Strangers. That was the part that skeeved me out. Strangers were looking at pictures of my pregnant belly. Strangers were looking at my children. When my PPD kicked in full force, I would sit up at night thinking, " Strangers are looking at my infant." I know the point of blogging is to keep an online journal that anyone can access. Okay fine. Lot's of people do it. LOTS AND LOTS of people do it. When your hormones kick in full force.. and panic suffocates every move you make.. the idea of LOTS and LOTS of people reading personal stuff makes you go a little berzerk. I also know that when I write, it puts my feelings out there, so if anyone wants to help, they can offer opinions, suggestions, and whatever they like. I pretty much have 4 people who comment on my blog. Sometimes I hardly get a comment.. which makes the time spent a the computer a little pointless, I guess. I'm not educating anyone. I'm not pondering poilitics, finances, style, education, religion, medicine, or anything of importance to anyone. I'm just jotting down things that happen here in my own little world. I wasn't sure if anyone wanted to read about my nightly multiple panic attacks. My ability to cry for no reason. My frustration with my two 4 year olds who seemilngly have it out for me. My babe who only wants to be held.. eventhough I have 1 zillion things to do that would make the baby uncomfortable and cry. Life is definitely looking up. The weird thing is : it never looked down per se. It just looked complicated. It is still very complicated, but this is what I wanted. SO I am plugging along in my vortex of disorganization and frustration.. all the while juggling my infant and 2 cranky 4 year olds. I will get through it.. and with a smile on my face dammit, because I am lucky. I have everything I want and more. Now I just have to figure out what to do with it all. :)

I need some pointers here

As I may have stated in the past, I am enamored by Attachment Parenting. The whole idea of having your baby close to your heart, knowing what your baby needs just by the familiarity of the touch, breastfeeding, and cobedding. I love it's kind gestures. I love it's loving appeal. Here's what I DON'T love: Angus won't let anyone but me hold him. He squeals when his father tries to help. It is frustrating and sad. Parker desperately wants to help me when I am trying to get things done with the other 2 kids... but Gus ONLY wants me. It's crazy. He won't go to my mom... my sister.. and tried to stay with my friend Jude... but it only lasted 2 minutes. I do wear him in a sling pretty much all day because if he is alone~ he cries. He will however transfer to a swing if he's been asleep in the sling for more than 30 minutes. It has become EXHAUSTING. I have a house that looks like a bomb went off.. and because of my obsessive state: I cannot live with toys in everyroom of the house without wigging out. It is hard for me to pick up said toys because if I bend over Baby boy is dumped upside down.. so I have to use one hand for picking things up.. and one hand to hold baby boy in the sling. The attachment parenting has only caused more work for me. I fall asleep @ 9 pm every night. ( I used to stay up until 1am or 2 every night) The breastfeeding is best I know.. but Jeeze Louise, I can't go anywhere by myself. We have to miss one wedding in May... and we are possibly going to turn down another one in July because the exclusive breastfeeding will be messed up for life if I dare to leave him with a sitter and enough bottles to last the night. Please don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't love this stuff. It's just been 10 weeks and I haven't had a moment of alone time. It's bound to wear a girl down. I feel like Millie and Holden are taking the hit the hardest. That part kills me. I am by no means a true AP. I wear my baby 80% of the day. I co-bed before Parker comes to bed at night... and after the 6am feed. Most of all: I use a swing to rock him to sleep @ naptime.SO to all of you APs out there... do you have any pointers to help a girl out with a dream taking place in reality?So, all you true APs.. kudos friends.. you are truly dedicated

I need some pointers here

As I may have stated in the past, I am enamored by Attachment Parenting. The whole idea of having your baby close to your heart, knowing what your baby needs just by the familiarity of the touch, breastfeeding, and cobedding. I love it's kind gestures. I love it's loving appeal. Here's what I DON'T love: Angus won't let anyone but me hold him. He squeals when his father tries to help. It is frustrating and sad. Parker desperately wants to help me when I am trying to get things done with the other 2 kids... but Gus ONLY wants me. It's crazy. He won't go to my mom... my sister.. and tried to stay with my friend Jude... but it only lasted 2 minutes. I do wear him in a sling pretty much all day because if he is alone~ he cries. He will however transfer to a swing if he's been asleep in the sling for more than 30 minutes. It has become EXHAUSTING. I have a house that looks like a bomb went off.. and because of my obsessive state: I cannot live with toys in everyroom of the house without wigging out. It is hard for me to pick up said toys because if I bend over Baby boy is dumped upside down.. so I have to use one hand for picking things up.. and one hand to hold baby boy in the sling. The attachment parenting has only caused more work for me. I fall asleep @ 9 pm every night. ( I used to stay up until 1am or 2 every night) The breastfeeding is best I know.. but Jeeze Louise, I can't go anywhere by myself. We have to miss one wedding in May... and we are possibly going to turn down another one in July because the exclusive breastfeeding will be messed up for life if I dare to leave him with a sitter and enough bottles to last the night. Please don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't love this stuff. It's just been 10 weeks and I haven't had a moment of alone time. It's bound to wear a girl down. I feel like Millie and Holden are taking the hit the hardest. That part kills me. I am by no means a true AP. I wear my baby 80% of the day. I co-bed before Parker comes to bed at night... and after the 6am feed. Most of all: I use a swing to rock him to sleep @ naptime.SO to all of you APs out there... do you have any pointers to help a girl out with a dream taking place in reality?So, all you true APs.. kudos friends.. you are truly dedicated

a man of many names

It seems that we are a family who uses nicknames. From " Millie Vanilli" to Hipster.. and now we are adding in a few more just for fun. It is ohh so easy to play with a name like Angus. Parker's friends at work call him " T-Bone." Another friend said that he loves the name Angus.. because it's a good "Beefy" name. ( I cracked up at that one) At dinner I call him " Aspara-Gus." ( this is also what he will be for Halloween this year.) Everytime he gets weighed at the pediatrician's, I call him " Humun-Gus." Now other nicknames are developing per his personality. For instance: since he has massive reflux and barfs constantly, when he spits up on me I call him " Wyatt Urp." When he is on his favorite pillow in our bathroom kickin' it old school, we refer to him as " Sir Kicks a Lot." My favorite ( which I lovingly borrow from Jenny) when he is gassy " Gaseous Clay."When Gus is angry he is called : " Grumpy Gus." Given that Gus is a Parker... he has a tendancy to whine a little.. when this happens I call him " Squeaks." As for now.. as his lays wiggling in the sling on my chest.. I'll call him , " Hungry." Gotta go.

Ba Ba

Welp, we did it. Gus drank from his first bottle. Okay, it was his third bottle, counting the 2 other ones he had when he was in hospital as jaundice as a baby pumpkin. I blocked those out entirely. Gus latched onto the bottle last night as if he were always bottlefed. He sucked down 3 oz in 2 minutes flat... and I ended up nursing him for 20 minutes on each side right afterward. I'm not sure I got any R&R. I thought maybe giving him a bottle would be HELPFUL. Nope, it was more work than just nursing him. I am glad Parker got to help out though. I know he enjoyed those 2 minutes of unadulterated contact very much. Hey Parker,next time, how 'bout ya change his diaper, put on his pjs and THEN give him the bottle... so you can get the entire effect, will ya? ( wink) Baby steps, I s'poze. All in all I am glad we gave him the bottle. Now we know that if there is an emergency and I can't nurse him, he will do just fine. I am finding it very hard to believe that almost 7 weeks has passed. I can remember being checked into the hospital all pregnant and swollen and scared. I never knew how hard it would be to look back on those days. It's funny how I miss them, eventhough they were hard. Gus seems so big to me now. He is smiling when I kiss his face, and cooing at me when I talk to him. He eats with a vengence and when he sleeps, he looks so peaceful and right. Gus does what Gus wants. Isn't that how it should be? Shouldn't we all be as lucky as babies? I am so proud of my babies for all that they have done and are doing. ( Millie has figured out all of her green sounds in her moveable alphabet, and mastered the binomial cube. ( Montessori speak...and something a mommy should be very proud of) & Holden is sounding out words on sight. It gives me chills to think about all that they have accomplished. )We are so lucky. I am looking forward to days where we sit at the dinner table as a big family and laugh and cry together. For now, I'm gonna go watch my baby boy sleep. I won't get today back, I better enjoy it while I can.

huh? I can't hear you...

I have a baby screaming in my ear! So it seems that my Gentle Gus... has turned a corner into what my sister calls the "crying peak." I guess he's allowed to air his grievences... but does he have to do so with such "GUSto?" ( thanks for that one Cara) The poor wee man is hoarse from screaming his lil' head off. I remember the days of quiet drunk baby milk smiles, and cooing at the ceiling. Now it's WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BAAA ( deep breath) BAAAAAAAA.. WAHHHHHH ( pant pant pant) (deep breath.. sigh) & that's just what I'm saying! ( okay I'm only saying that sometimes) I have 3 theories on this development: 1) Gus hates to have a dirty or wet diaper. He squeals the second he does either. 2) He's going through a massive growth spurt. 3) I ate onions for the first time since he was born. I forgot all about how gassy onions can make ya. I'm sure the pepperoni I ate on Saturday didn't help either. Note to self: you're not just eating for you these days... be nice to the baby's digestive track. The only thing that makes Gus settle down is : nursing. Hence I have a catfish suckled to my chest pretty much all frikkin' day long. ( remember before Gus was born .. I had nightmares about me delivering a baby that looked like a catfish.. well, it must have been a sign) It's fine... but can a girl get a break? I didn't get into the fact that I had a little trouble with my nip last week. Seems that when Gus was learning that tricky latch back when he was first born.. a small tear developed along the ol' nip. Well, time and diabetes don't help this kind of wound.. so I had to go see Dr. R. ( per advice of my Lactation consultant) I was so embarassed! I had to actually show Dr R my BOOB! He said he could handle it. :) I told him that he HAD to erase the image from his brains forever. He laughed. He's so patient with me. For now I have to wear this nip shield. ( to keep the good girl dry) Very attractive lemme tell ya. The other thing we have decided to do is give Gus one bottle a day. Parker has mentioned that he feels a little left out when it comes to Gus. I understand.. adn frankly I could use a little R&R in the evenings. As much as it pains me to do it ( because I love to watch Gus nurse) I can part with his little mouth so the dad can have some fun too. I mean I feed him 12-13 times a day these days.. I can break away just once a day, right? Someone tell me this is okay!( the PPD makes my guilt o'meter go berzerker!) Okay.. I am off to actually get something accomplished today. Today's goal: write 3 thank you notes and address them. I'm 6 weeks behind.. and I have about 50 to write. Here's my first attempt at following through on my new year's resolution. Let's see how it goes.

Who's down with PPD??? Yeah~ you know me

Welp... I think it happened. The uncontrollable crying... excessive worry... fear... and laughter.. inability to eat... all rolled up into one. I am either in the beginning of PPD or I am certifiably nuts. Today is looking a little better than yesterday... but it's only 8:30 am anything could happen. I don't want to come off as someone who is complaining about life with a newborn... or being overwhelmed by my growing number of responsibilities. It's a little bit more than that. As I have been bawling my eyes out riddled with fear and loathing... there is no real reason for me to be sad. The weird thing is: As I am crying.. I am thinking about how lucky I am... how much I love my baby, my kids... my husband... the fact that I have seemingly everything I have ever wanted... especially the fact that my dream of carrying a baby came true... but yet: waterworks. I wasn't going to write about this. I was going to keep it to myself. I mean why would I want my family and friends... and those lurkers to know this utterly personal situation I am in right now? Why would I want to let on that not all is well in my world? But I gotta tell ya, I just feel that honesty is the best policy... and I know I'm not the only one out there struggling with this. This is part of the " dream come true " package I WANTED. I WANTED to be pregnant... and such is life post pregnancy I s'poze. Some of us get this... some of us don't. I will tell you : my dreams of having 4 kids are not quite as strong these days. Let's see how I feel in 4 years or so. :) Maybe I'll forget... maybe I won't. Only time will tell. As for now I will push on through each day knowing that I'm not really insane... that it is hornmones making me crazy... and hopefully I will be able to kick this PPD in the ass and stop all this crying about nothing... sooner rather than later. If anyone has any pointers out there. Please don't keep them to yourself. Help a hormonal girl out!

That's a 10-4 good buddy

10 pounds 4 ounces to be exact. Yepper our "Wee Angus" has morphed into " Humun-Gus." It's no wonder, that kid is on the boob almost every 2 hours. I'm glad it's paying off.. I'm feeling a little like a "noonie" these days. Which segways me right into: noonie or not to noonie?This child obviously needs to suck on something. I'm guessing it's going to be his thumb ( he keeps trying to get his thumb in his mouth, but really only succeeds in punching himself in the eye over and over again... and getting more frustrated) I can't be sure if Gus really needs to eat every hour and a half.. or if I am fulfilling his needs to suck to soothe himself. Now, I'm not opposed to this, don't get me wrong. The idea of pacifying him with a rubber nipple makes me a little squeamish. Remember that it took me 2 years to help MS & HIP kick their habit. Yet: when I idealized the fact that I would be Gus' natural pacifier... I forgot to factor in those hours between dinner and bedtime that are ever so important to MS & HIP. Those hours (shut up.. it takes us a few hours to get MS & HIP all settled down to sleep at night. Hey, it's fun having a twin to tear it up and play until you literally fall asleep) have been the hours of attention they have always gotten that I believe actually meant something to each of them. They get to pick their own stories... not share which bed they sleep in and snuggle the mama. I value that time as wwell obviously. Now they have a baby brother who seems to want to play " howler monkey" from about 7- 11pm. Don't go thinkin' that Gus is screaming constantly for 4 hours... it's just that that's when he awake.. and he seems to fuss when I try to get everything all quiet. It really isn't helping the nighttime routine. I know that I will get better at the nursing and scheduling, but it has been noticeably hard on the 2 older peeps. Our pediatrian is "pro- pacifier." He says that thumb sucking is so hard to break. I'm gonna have to agree with him there. Once MS & HIP decided that they were ready to give up their noonies, they did it, and they never looked back. I will shamelessly admit that I have indeed put a noonie is Gus' mouth, but only when he was content. I haven't popped the ol' rubber neeple ( a la Ren and Stimpy) in there when he's screaming. Here's what I have noticed: he doesn't really like the noonie... but sucks on it nevertheless. He LOVES his thumb.. but it takes a half an hour to get his hand relaxed enough to actually get his thumb in there... which makes him MAD. His soothing technique of choice: my boob. This is fine during the day.. but I'm starting to wonder if I'm establishing a bad habit here. I feel awful for Millie and Holden. Millie said to me the other night, " Mom, if you finish feeding Gus soon, can you come back and snuggle us?" ( as she sat in her little bed with the light of the nightlight lighting up her long hair.) My heart broke, because I knew there wasn't a chance in hell I was going to be back when they were still awake. Sigh. I am in quite a pickle here. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Flyin' Solo

Today was THE day. The day I do this mother of 3 thing without any help. I was awakened by the most effective alarm clock known to man: a whiney baby. Time check~ 5:45 am. Good. I changed Angus' diaper and fed him. He ate for about 30 minutes. Perfect. I hopped in the shower. All clean. Angus laid on a pillow on the floor of the bathroom swatting at who knows what and kicking his feet furiously while I dried off and got ready for the day. Gus must have noticed that I was getting comfortable, so he started to cry. Knowing I had plenty of time, I popped him back on the boob and enjoyed watching him drink with his eyes fixated on mine. He ate for another 20 minutes. Okay still good... I had plenty of time. I have to leave the house w/ 3 kids who have been changed and fed on all different levels by 8:45 to make "carpool" at the kids' school. Time check: 7 am. Okay still plenty of time. I tried to apply a layer of make up to my tired face, only to have the baby's hysterical crying as my morning theme music. ( man is it hard to sing along with that... but I am starting to learn the words) Hubby asks ( from under the covers while hitting the snooze button for the 100th time,) " why is he crying?" I glare at him in disgust and say , " I dunno." Hubby responds, " did you feed him?" I raise my left eyebrow wayyyy above my bangs... and swear to myself not to kill him. I finish up and go to the big kids' room and start the morning countdown. Both kids seem to almost listen to me. A seemingly overfed and relfuxy baby hurls on my black shirt. I wipe it off and continue on...I get the two version 1.0 out of bed... and downstairs for breakfast. I accidentally dripped syrup on Gus' head.. but he didn't seem to mind. I guess he figured that he has thrown up on me about 300 times since Sunday... he owes me one. Amazingly I got all 3 kids and myself out the door by 8:50. Not bad. Not bad at'tall. Drop off went smoothly at the kids' school. I drove into the city. I had an appointment with a graphic designer to help with the design of Angus' birth announcement. I arrived 30 minutes early... perfect to sneak in that mid morning feed. Angus ate... and I popped him into the pouch. He was fast asleep.Two thumbs up. I told a woman that I was there to meet with one of the designers. I was informed that she was "running late." An hour later...I was told, " ya know, she's not a morning person." I thought to myself..."I'm no morning person... but I've been up since 5:45... what's her excuse?" grr. I left. Gus barfed on me. I wiped it off. So far the day had been fine... but that annoyed me. Gus and I went home together.We spent some time just staring at each other. I told him that he was my dream come true. He barfed on my mouth after I kissed him. Now that's love! I picked up MS & HIP at 3 o'clock and drove home. I was so proud. I didn't mess up! 2 minutes after we walked in the door, HIP locked the bathroom door and shut it so MS couldn't get in.A skuffle ensued. I kindly broke it up... and HIP apologized. ( The bathroom is still locked.I'm not quite sure how we're going to unlock it.) Afterwhile I decided to check my e-mail. A few minutes later, MS walks into the office holding Angus.( she had taken him out of his carseat) I quickly put my hand over my mouth so I didn't squeal and scare the bejesus out of her. She said, " I only hit his head one time on the floor." She was so proud. I was proud too. This day could have been a lot worse. I loved every minute of it. Let's see how we do tomorrow.

Master of the Random thought

Holden has always had this ability to perplex us with some of the things he says. Back in the day, when the kids were about 2 years old we had quite a time getting them into bed one night when we were at the beach. Holden screamed his head off for hours no matter what we did. I laid in bed with him, rubbed his back, patted his bottom, sang to him, rocked him, swayed him with no avail. Parker and I took shifts... and nothing seemed to work. At about 2 am I gave up. I was willing to let him run willie nillie around the house until he passed out. Parker is more careful than I so he took him into the bedroom and sat in the dark with him. After HOURS of screaming, there was silence. I walked into the room very quietly and Parker was smiling. I said, "uh, what's going on?" Parker responded, " Holden just said, ' Dad, I like olives.' and he went to sleep." See what I mean? Random thought. Well, tonight as we sat at the dinner table, Holden commented on how Ruby is lonely. Holden said, " Ruby needs a friend that's made out of dog." Another Holdenism: while looking down my dad's throat with a flashlight... he said, " Pop Pop, lemme look down your drain." See what I mean? He has such a way with words. I hope he never loses that. It's hilarious.

kinda sad

I can't tell if the ol' hormones are kickin' back in, or if yesterday was just kinda sad all around. Let me start at the beginning. I had an appointment with my dietician at Dr. R's office yesterday. (Remember~ these are the people I saw every 7 days for 17 weeks) I was prepared to go in and see everyone; especially my friend who works in the lab... remember she taught me the word "ticklebits?" When I walked in, the first few people we saw were so excited to see me and meet Gus. It was a warm feeling. Strangely enough, I was glad to be at my doctor's office. Sometimes I am weird... but that's not the point. I was glad to be in a familiar place. This all came to a screetching hault when I found out that my friend from the lab stopped working at the office. "Wh-wh-wh-where'd she go???" Sniff. I asked... "why did she leave??" ( loaded with panic and disappointment) I was told in a very hushed voice... " we had to make some cuts... we're all pretty sad about the changes." ( I was on the verge of crying) I REALLY wanted my friend to meet Gus! I REALLY wanted her to hold him so I could take her picture. I KNOW these things happen... but I'm not good at dealing with change. Off to a meeting at the kids' school. There have been some changes made to some things at school that have caused a few eyebrows to furrow and a lot of questions to be asked. Basically the parents staged a revolt and stormed the castle. I stood in the back of the room, and didn't get the entire story because people kept making a fuss over Gus.. which was nice... but I couldn't pay attention to the various points being made. I will say : (oh, I FYI.. I was sorta hired as the " art teacher" last year for the kids' school. Given my CRAZY doctor's appointment schedule for the last 2 trimesters.. I was only able to carry out one real project... but had planned on returning this spring to fulfill the "art teacher role.") I shook a little because The first thing addressed were the " specialists" at the school ( ie: art teacher... and the like) Of course the woman running the show starts out by saying" The art teacher hasn't been here because she, uh, well because of her new baby.... bla bla bla..." She then went on to explain that most of the speicalists have small children etc... and the schedules have been a little relaxed due to family commitments. She mentioned that one of the specialists didn't have kids and tried to make thing lighter by saying " She doesn't have kids... thank goodness!"( laughing under her breath with a sigh of relief...) OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT. Now I know she was under fire... and I know she thought she was funny... but that statement felt like she was running a business... not a loving school environment.Anyways she segway'd right into one very important person... in the community... who just had a babe... who informed the community yesterday that she isn't coming back in the fall. My heart dropped. I just hept hearing " she won't be returning in the fall and we are working on finding a replacement. " ( Hey important person in the community... I know you read my blog... so I sincerely want to add: I am thrilled for you that you will able to stay at home and get to experience the little one. I couldn't be happier for you. I'm just sad for us. You understand, right? Please say you do.)I'd say that ( what I got from the meeting.. it wa a little hard w/ people fussing over Gus) things were discussed, and the changes being made in the school were explained. So in less than 3 hours 2 major changes were made. These changes aren't extreme... they're just changes.. and when you're overtired.. change is hard. I had my good boy Gus with me all day. He was a real trooper. It seems that he has his first cold. Poor lil' man. I'm taking him to the pediatrician today because his little cough sounds a little scary to me... it's just a little too chesty for me to ignore. Given that MS & HIP had bronchitis last week and were licking his little face every chance they got, and Parker has" the sickness" it doesn't surprise me. I am so sad for baby Gus ( yes I'm sad for the rest of my family as well... it's just that this is Gus' FIRST cold.) I really thought we could wait longer than a month to get our first cold. NOT FAIR! Gus slept on my chest last night all night. I was terrified to put him down. He is so snotty and goopy... and he coughs a lot. I just wanted him near me. Plus there's nothin' better than a snuggly baby to help soothe that awful anxiety attack. Ch-CH-Ch-Changes.......

Torpedos

Back in the day(high school to be exact) my group of friends, lovingly called: The Beverlys... or "The Bevs" for short, had a breast sizing system. The sizes ranged from :"torpedo tits" all the way down to "gun powder". "Bullets" and "bee bees" ( or however you spell it) were the mid range and smaller size. I had : torpedo tits. When I was in high school, I was well, let's just say bigger than I am today. It wasn't a big deal really, I was just 5' tall... and weighed well over 150 lbs. It was the beginning of my kidney disease... where I retained every ounce of fluid I ate or drank all over my entire body. I wasn't flabby or out of shape... quite the opposite... I was just that one portly girl on the lacrosse team and tennis team that everyone loved. I was happy... and perky... and when I say perky, I mean all over. My "torpedos" rested somewhere in my neck. The girls hadn't dropped. The rack stood pround and strong, and BIG. After I got my diabetes in better control... and was put on a slew of diaretics and ace inhibitors... I lost the weight, and and my D sized lovelies shrunk to a big A or a small B. I saw them as manageable... and much sexier than the huge tracks of land I had in the past. When I got pregnant I knew something was up. The thing that was up was the size of my boobs. I swelled up to a 40 D. After Angus was born I spent the first few weeks being engorged... and trying to figure out breast feeding and the like. I noticed that the nursing bras I bought for the ol' hospital bag were a tad snug. I went to Motherhood Maternity today to actually buy some nursing shirts and some new bras. I am not.. shall we say, uh~ discreet when it comes to nursing... maybe a few new bras and a coupla shirts actually designed for breastfeeding would help a shy girl out. The lady who worked in the store asked me if I needed to get measured. I gladly accepted her offer. She said " you should be wearing a 36 E." WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? D-d-d-did she just say the letter E?! Good-NESS! I never thought I'd ever go that large! I'm almost as big as my Dolly!( back when she was in middle school ;) ) The great news is that I obviously was put on this Earth to nurse a baby with these things. Boobs... not just for holding up bikini tops anymore.

Dizzy are you out there?

Here we find Angus channelling the late great Dizzy Gillespie. With cheeks like these we can only hope that he grows to be a world renowned trumpet player. :)

Week 3... am I getting the hang of this yet?

Before I get into life w/ baby & 2 four year olds: I saw the Lactation Consultant on Friday morning. She was very cool, and very supportive of my concerns. Her first opinion was that Gus doesn't have reflux. She asked when he seems to pull off and arch his back when he eats. I told her about 2 -3 minutes into the feed. She said that in her opinion, he wasn't refluxing. (because he will eat for 20 minutes at a time w/out signs of pain) She believes that I have a monster of a "let down" and Gus probably gets a mouthful of milk very quickly, and has to pull off and gag and choke because he's getting too much at once, not refluxing. The other issue is: After he pulls off ( due to the "let down") he doesn't re-establish his wide opened mouth latch.. because he probably doesn't want another mouthful of milk, so he keeps his lips closer together, as to not allow the large quantities of milk to choke him again. She said that he was probably guarding himself. Makes perfect sense to me. It made so much sense to me that I stopped giving him that god awful zantac. ( I will discuss this w/ Dr. G on Monday) Gus' voice isn't hoarse anymore, and he eats willingly for 20-30 minutes. I THINK I MIGHT be getting the hang of this breastfeeding stuff. Gus is back up to his birth weight( 9#4 oz) and is 21 1/2 " long. I cna't believe I grew a baby of his size in my body. He must have been so smooshed! I was laughing last night when Millie wanted to carry him across the room. I said, "MS Gus weighs almost half as much as you do.. and he's only 3 weeks old. :)" Any bets on when Gus passes Millie? I bet it'll be within the first year.

Now: Life in this house:
My mom went home for a nice weekend with my dad and to spend some time with some of her friends. She left at 3pm on Friday. At approximately 3:05 I had to feed Gus. MS & HIP were playing with some wooden blocks in the family room " building a city." At approximately 3:07 MS freaked out ( over nothing from what I can tell) and kicked over HIP's buildings, and growled at him. HIP immediately started to cry. MS bitch slapped him. I calmly stated: "we do not do this in our house." MS SCREAMED, " YOU'RE NOT COMING TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!GRRRRRRRSQUEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I said, " Little one, you better get your act together. I know you are angry, but this is not a nice way to talk to anyone. Do you want to tell me what is going on , so I can help?" MS: " NOOOOOOOOOO! AHHHHHGRRRRRRR!" Okay... tick tock tick tock... Me: " Millie Sue, I think you might need to go upstairs for a little while and think about how to be nice to people. MS : "" I'm not going upstairs." Me: ( getting close to my breaking point) You do not have a choice anymore, you will go ustairs for 5 minutes." " MS: " No I won't!" Me : (at the point where I can see a downward spiral of screaming developing) ... silence... angry face. " MILLICENT GET UPSTAIRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Oh man...it happened. I lost my cookies because my kid didn't listen to me. Where did my " kinder gentler way of parenting" go? I'm not a parent who compares her children to other children. I'm not a person who likes to be compared to others because I want to be my own person, not one of the herd. As I say that, I also want the elusive respect I see other kids give their parents when they speak. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not proud of Millie for standing firm on her feelings... because I have never been able to do that. I always victimize the other person, and give in. It's my nature to not be confrontational. When in a resturant, if I find a short and curly ( yes... that kind of short and curly... and yes it did happen to me)hair in my mashed potatoes on the first bite, I calmly gag and push the plate away. Nothing is ever mentioned. I internally deal, and a fuss is never made. I have friends who will ask to move tables in a resturant because the woman sitting behind us is wearing perfume that is too strong. Ya know what? That is totally cool... as long as I'm not the one doing the complaining... but I digress: Millie is a strong little woman with a HOT temper. I am currently trying to figure out how to teach her that while it is definitely okay to be angry... growling and screaming threats louder than a howler monkey is pretty much frowned upon in society. So, back to the story, I have one kid WAILING because he was un-invited to his twin sister's birthday party for the thousand'th time in one day... a long haired,skinny pterodactyl screaming at the top of her lungs, and a baby vacuumed to my right boob... listening to his first argument on the "outside." I felt so bad for Gus... he was sucking away... with his brow all furrowed. I kept telling myself... " find your happy place, find your happy place..." I finally got Millie to go upstairs. She sat up there yelling " how much longer?????!!!" Once I yelled back " until you're 18 and then you can go get your own place!" Oh man! How is she so much like me??? It is so frustrating sometimes. I feel bad for her because I can only imagine that the reason this all started was because HIP built something she 1) didn't like, or 2) was jealous she couldn't build something like that. NOW: stretch that temper tantrum into an entire weekend.. yes people... she has been like this since friday afternoon. I needless to say am a little worn out. I know that MS's little life is changing these days, and I should allow for some frustration... so I will continue to figure out how to communicate and see eye to eye with my 26 pound 4 year old prize fighter. Gus Gus seems to think that is is cool to be awake ( and happy) from about 2 am - 6 am. Just kickin' and talkin' to the ceiling... and asking to eat out of boredom. Ahhhh yes... I have become a " pacifier"... in every way Let's see how week 4 goes.