Fine and dandy

I saw my perinatologist today. She called and made me cancel my appointment with Dr. R so she could squeeze me intoday. It must be nice to be able to pull rank on someone of power. I told her , " I have an appointment w/ Dr. R today @ 1. " She said , " Call Bob and tell him that you will come over ther after I check you out." Well, okayyyyy ( I thought to myself) My challenge: I hadn't made any arrangements with a sitter for MS & HIP. Luckily the world's best babysitter, Brittany lives 4 houses down the street from us. I called her and her mom sent her on her way. The idea of taking 2 over tired 3 year olds to 2 doctor's appointments.. oh lord, I can't even go there... I'd rather chew glass. Luckily Brittany showed up 15 minutes early... and the kids were so happy to see her they forgot to say goodbye. While driving on stupid 270.. there was a 4 mile back up... which led me on a wild goose chase of redlights and illegally parked cars. I started off in Bethesda... wound myself down the side of Northwest D.C.. and ended up in the Neighborhood Parker and I lived in while we were in art school/Law School. My hormones flared for a minuted there...and I teared up. Ohh.. I miss those days. I sucked it up... arrived in Georgetown Hosptial's parking lot @ 1:03( which shocked me) and Dr. L met me @ the door. Dr. L is the funniest person. She commented on my ability to get pregnant quickly, and laughed when I told her Parker that was a little upset that I got pregnant on our first try. She said she could see why he would be upset.. "it's the making that's the fun part!" She started the ultrasound and said, " everything looks just perfect. Let's have a listen." All of a sudden, I heard it.. the strong heartbeat. She said " ohh it's a strong steady one.. good work." She found that everything was in check... and the reason for my bleeding last week didn't worry her at all. Dr. L met me out in the hall after I replaced my clothing. She said , " can I please show off your tattoos?" I giggled, and said " sure!" She dragged all the sonogram technicians away from their lunches to look @ my arms. She said , " I love these tattoos.. aren't they just beautiful?" I blushed as she told the story of how they were done." She patted me on the back and said, " call me if you need me... I think everything looks great!" Dr. L is just amazing. She is exactly the person I have always imagined delivering my baby. I am so lucky.

My Dolly

For those of you who know me well, you know that Dolly Parton is my favorite celebrity. I find her facinating, and beautiful inside and out. I'd love to curl up on the couch next to her and listen to her stories and laugh at her jokes. She could seriously read her grocery list and I'd be so happy. I don't know why I love her so... I just do. I'd name this new kid Dolly... but Dolly Parker seems to be a bit much... so I'll hold off.
The reason I am posting this random thought is because I read a little quote tonight... by my favorite famous gal. Dolly said,

" When morning sickness hits, remember this: The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

Oh man, she's so cool.

I need support

Yesterday marks the real beginning of morning sickness. Um UCK poo! I survived and I know people experience worse.. but man.. that was kinda rough. I pulled through... and today was better than yesteday. The reason for today's post is that I fainted last night.


Yesterday I actually took a nap. This was no power nap people, although it was very powerful. I slept for 2 and a half hours in the afternoon, ( while the peeps napped) which in turn, made me wide awake in the evening. For the first time in probably a year, Parker and I watched a movie together. We ordered " Meet the Fockers." That movie was so painful to watch! We laughed and laughed. After the movie was over I went up to take my shower and get settled into bed. After my shower, I decided to finish up my palm pilot journal for the day and set up today's journal while I was at it. As I was typing, I noticed that the nausea was kicking in, so I took a few deep breaths, and continued typing. All of a sudden the room spun a little, and my vision tunnelled down to a pinpoint. I stumbled to the hallway and called for Parker. He didn't hear me. I then somehow made it to the kids' room and yelled down the back stair case, " Parker I need you!" He came running as fast as he could. He found me lying on the floor in the kids' room... pretty much face down, and spread eagle. He ran and got my glucose monitor and he helped me check my sugar. Which was 155. ( Good for a nightime reading) We could not figure out what the heck was going on, but we knew everything seemed okay.
In the morning, I put a call in to Dr. Ratner. Dr. Ratner called back and said " tell me exactly what happened." I explained the sitch, and he said " I believe you had a very typical vaso-vegal response most likely caused by a combination of your medication and being pregnant." He told me to " be careful standing up quickly, and to get a pair of support hose and to wear them for the rest of the pregnancy." Okay. N-O. No support hose. I don't DO hose. One of the reasons I love being a stay at home mom, who knows a ton about ceramics is that: I NEVER WEAR HOSE. I begged to find another solution. He said " wear the hose." Support hose. My very comfortable sweatpants are already starting to cut into my stomach in the evening.. and this guy expects me to wear support hose w/ out barfing my brains out. I almost told him to wear support hose. I know he was trying to help, but that was not what I wanted to hear @ all. Picture it: I'm at the park with my kids in a tank top, some bermuda shorts, and some very seasonal ( it's 100 degrees for those of you not keeping track)and sexy support hose w/ my flip flops. & I'm supposed to keep this pregnancy a secret for how long?? Support THIS! I think I'd rather faint.

Be still my heart attack

Yesterday marks the second longest day of my life. The first longest day was the day of Millie's second surgery, ewww weee that was a long one!

As stated in my panic blog ( that for some reason posted 3 times.. sorry I'm new to the blogging world.. I'm sure I did something funky..) while shopping @ the grocery store.. I went to the bathroom and noticed that my pad was filled with red blood. I was absolutely convinced that this was the end. I called my ob nurse and stated, " I am scared." Donnie ( nurse) quickly scheduled me a sonogram appointment. She said " your beta levels are so strong, and your progesterone levels are great, I can't imagine this would be anything other than a broken blood vessel... but let's check it out anyway." I stressed the day away waiting. As stated in an earlier post, Holden has an injured collarbone. The poor little guy has shown increased pain and has realy started guarding the left side of his body. I had an appointment to have him evaluated by an orthopedist @ 1:30. ( my sonogram appointment was for 3.. I knew I was pushing it.. but I couldn't miss either thing) I dropped Millie off @ my friend Brandi's house ( who I owe big time since she's watched my kids 2 times this week) and booked to the Orthopedist's office. I missed a turn.. so that made us 5 minutes late. ( stress) I filled out a short novel's worth of info on the Hipster while he ran around the office slapping high fives w/ this totally cool guy who was waiting to be seen as well. ( I still think this guy is cool.. eventhough he was making fun of Holden's name: " Holden? Now that's a mouthful for a little guy isn't it?" ) We were ushered back to an exam room @ 2:30. Holden had to pee... so we quickly went to the bathroom ( down the hall) 5 minutes after returning from the bathroom, HIP had to poop. I told him " you hafta hold it pal, the doctor could be here @ any minute. " HIP's response, " I'm gonna poop in my pants mom, come on wet's go!" as he dragged me out of the office. My cell phone began to ring while we were in the bathroom. On the line was a very frazzled Parker. " Where are you?? I am freaking out, you HAVE to leave.. you HAVE to get this sonogram.. WALK OUT!" I understood his concern, but the kid we already have is in pain and I am worried.. if worst came to worst I'd go to the hopstial. I returned to the office where the doctor met me in the exam room. Turns out, poor little HIP has a rare condition. When HIP fell, his collar bone was forced over top of another bone in his neck. The part that has us all freaked is : this cannot be fixed. "fixing an injury like this is too risky. There is a series of fragile bloodvessels around these bones that if the injury is forced to heal.. . the bloodvessels could break and cause HIP to bleed." I noticed my cell phone lighting up over and over again... poor Parker was having a mild stroke. The Doctor added " just don't let him fall down for a few weeks." ( wha????????? don't let him fall? This child falls more before breakfast than average people do in a week!) I was stunned w/ the outcome of this visit. I looked @ the clock: 3:15 .I scooped up the boy.. ran to my car and attempted to call the radiology clinic. I could not dial because Parker was calling over and over again. I tried to just dial and I couldn't get through. In my most stressed state I answered and said " STOP CALLING ME.. I AM TRYING TO CALL THE RADIOLOGY LAB." Parker didn't get the point. As I tried to stumble through a conversation with the totally nice receptionist, the call waiting beeps were making things tough. She explained that they were booked, and couldn't fit me in. I begged, " is there anywhere else I could go?" She checked... there was one other lab, but it was 30 minutes in the opposite direction. She said " get here as fast as you can sweetie.. we'll see what we can do." I hyperventilated myself through 4 miles of stopped traffic on 270... and again made a wrong turn.. putting me 3 miles in the opposite direction. ARGG! Parker was now officially having a coronary. He talked me throught he directions in the calmest voice he could muster. I found him flagging me down like an air traffic controller... actually pointing me to a parking spot in very EXAGGERATED ARM gestures. " (both arms at full extention parrallel... hands pointed... standing in front of a spot... pointing pointing pointing!) I open the door of the van.. and the trashcan falls out, spilling crap all over the parking lot. I said " leave it!" and we booked into the office. The awesome people @ this office shooshed me back pretty much the second we walked in the door. The stress was settling in. I knew I was still bleeding. I emptied the 32 ounces of water they told me to drink for the sonogram, and got myself all propped up on the table. The lady handed me the transvaginal speculum and said " My name is Marley, we should knew each other before we go here." I giggled... and did my job. ( wink) Marley studied the sitch for me for a few minutes. It was silent. I was so scared. She finally said" I see a perfectly formed gestational sac." I said, okay. I had to beg the question, " what is a gestational sac?" I needed to hear "egg yolk." She said " everything we need to see, including this," and she turned the screen to face me. There was the heartbeat. There it was: a strong heartbeat in the middle of my wee tiny croissant. Amazing, in just 3 days how much had changed. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. She said, "the reason you are bleeding is because you have a small hemmorhage ... probably caused by implantation. We see this all the time." I thanked her profusely and went out to the waiting room where I was wondering how I was going to explain to Parker that I saw a heartbeat, and he didn't. Poor guy, didn't get to feed Millie or Holden their first bottles, and he was pretty much distanced during Suze's pregnancy with Millie and Holden. He wasn't even allowed inthe delivery room. He finally had a chance to start over.. and the bag of cells in my uterus that wasn't supposed to have a visibale heartbeat for 10 more days... has a very strong ticker. I was heartbroken for him. He was sad... but happy that everything was okay. As we walked to our cars Holden asked , " what's that?" ( pointing to the sonogram piture) I said " this is our blastocyst." he said " oh, I ate a lollipop at the doctor's office." We all smiled, for the first time that day.

panicked again

Spottingagain : red, not brown. sad. scared.

Just a follow up

For those of you who are keeping track:My visit to Dr. Wolfgram ( gyn) was a very nice visit. He told me that my original beta test was :66. He told me that for a good healthy implantation, the number should double every 2-3 days. I was tested 7 days after my first test which should bring my beta count somewhere around 2112 ( approximately) Nope.. my beta count after 7 days was a whopping 2,800... which is a GOOD thing. ( thus far) Dr W. was obviously concerned about my A1C... but I assured him that it was being closely watched and getting lower by the day . I asked him about my cramping and he told me that I have a cyst on my left ovary, and it should absorb by the time I am 8 weeks. SHEW! He added ( in his joking voice) " you ovulated out of your left ovary, this baby is a "leftie." I laughed and snuck in a touch of politics and said " ohh my husband will be so proud." (we always KNEW it was nature, not nurture!) Dr. W gave a good chuckle. I am going to get another sonogram in 10 days to see if " things are progressing..."( and possibly pick up a heartbeat.) A very nice nurse drew some more blood and commented on my poor arms. " These veins are getting a workout these days, huh?" ( and gave me a loving pat to my shoulder.) Dr. W wants to see if my progesterone levels are rising... which I can tell him :THEY ARE RISING!! I WANT TO BARF & SLEEP& CRY 24/7!
All in all it was a nice visit.
I returned home to a lethargic Holden on the couch w/ the babysitter. We had to get his collarbone "x-rated" ( what HIP calls an x- ray) after a top secret fall @ which apparently happened @ our neighbor's house... the day I was getting my sonogram.. you know.. the people who let their kids play w/ guns? Poor little Hipster, seems to have cracked his collarbone.. we are off to the orthopedist tomorrow to see if he needs a brace or something. Millie gets a kick out of the whole thing explaining:
" When you try to pick up Holdie, you have to pick him up by his heiner, not his armpit! HAHAHA!" What a pair.

Okay... I am off to sleep.. my new favorite thing to do.. yawnnn.

Panic button

SO everything was going as planned. I have been living my life as normally as possible over the last few weeks... hoping to not get too caught up in the fact that I am pregnant,just in case something happened. Other than the nausea, massively growing chest, and exhaustion, everything was fine... until Tuesday morning.


I woke up at about 6 am. This is unheard of for me. I typically make fun of people who are morning people, and I was rather proud of the fact that my children will sleep until 11am. This has all changed. For some reason I sit up every day at 6 am... and that's it.. I'm up. Maybe it's some sort of clue that the littlest Parker will have a different sleeping schedule than the rest of the Parker family. If this holds true... this poor child will be lonely in the morning hours. :) ( I mean , even Scarlett & Ruby Jones sleep unitl 2 pm) Back to the point: Tuesday was like every other day: wake up.. feel sick.. pee 30 times an hour... etc... except I felt crampy. The cramp was isolated on the left side. I didn't like this feeling.. but figured I had a lot to learn about the aches and pains of pregnancy. It was the 30th trip to the bathroom that I noticed a "spot" in my unders. A SPOT! I put 2 and 2 together, and realized: I was crampy and spotting at 6 weeks. I had this sinking feeling that this was the begnning of the end. I quickly called a friend who assured me that she spotted during 2 of her 3 pregnancies.. and to just " call the doctor." Now, WHICH DOCTOR? I have so many! I started with Dr. Ratner. Who of course was out of town. The nice doctor on call advised me to call my GYN. I called my gyn and the nurse told me to get a sonogram. Parker met me at the radiology lab. I sat there wondering how I was going to compose myself if the news was bleak. I sat there shaking. They called our names and we went in. The sonogram tech was quiet.. and finally said " welp, you have a perfectly formed egg yolk in a perfectly formed sac, which is what we are looking for. Everything looks fine." I felt my blood pressure drop back to it's normal place, and I listened as she told us that everything looks great, including " your cervix is long and closed, and the lining looks good." Parker commented on my ovaries and said " your ovaries look sexy today" Which made the sonogram tech giggle. You hafta wonder the things that woman hears. We were elated. We had a perfectly formed egg yolk who is obviously a morning person.
Back on the homefront: Millie and Holden were playing @ a neighbor's home during my appointment. When my neighbor asked if there was anything the kids couldn't eat or do I told her " nope." Turns out: The kids all played " guns" together while I was gone. Which is Parker and my biggest NO-NO! There is no gun play/violience ALLOWED in this home. ( sigh. now what??!)Note to self: next time Millie & Holden play @ this particular neighbor's house, they will let the neighbors know " guns are stupid" and encourage everyone to play a NICE game. ( hey.. this is MY board... if you disagree.. get your own blog!)
I have an appointment with my obgyn today. I am nervous of course, but since I feel like throwing up this very instant, I think everything is gonna be okay.

Beta on the rise

Parker and I have just retuned from a fun Father's day weekend in OCMD w Keri & Brian...& the smartest baby I know, RAR. ( name withheld... for privacy.... but you know who I am talking about. :) ) I was a good girl and stayed off of the boat. ( due to some chatter about the motion of boats causing miscarriage) The weather was perfect for a boatride with my family, but I am not going to push anything with this pregnancy.As I have stated before.. and will continue to state: this pregnancy is a gift. The other thing I steered away from was : crabs. In all of their luscious salty-old bay yumminess... I didn't eat one bite... but I wanted to. I had a little trouble keeping my bloodsugar in the low 100's .. but I was diligent and just worked w/ my temporary basal. ( my insulin pump has a setting that I can control per bloodsugar. ie: in the old days if my blood sugar was 60.. I would eat a snicker bar and love life... 2 hours later , my sugar would be 280.. so I'd bolus per bloodsugar..and 2 hours later.. my bloodsugar would be 60 again. If I want a baby w/out preventable birth defects the goal is: keep my bloodusgar pattern on a steady line.. -vs- a roller coaster. To do that... instead of eating a snicker bar.. I lower my basal... drink a 1/2 cup of skim milk and eat a teaspoon of peanut butter.. and hour later my sugar should be in the low 100's which I call and "A" on my diabetes reportcard. Yes I know setting up each day to living up to a gradepoint average is hard.. but it's worth every effort... hopefully I won't get and "E".. but I will tell you.. a snicker bar is way better than dumb ol' skim milk and a scoop of peanut butter.) Other than obsessing over miscarriage ... trying to play off my hideous nausea...and screaming @ Millie for throwing sand in my face( something I REGRET... and blame on hormones) The weekend was fun.Some other medical updates: I saw Dr. Ratner on Friday. He complimented me on my palm pilot meal/bloodsugar chart.. but begged me to just write it on paper so I can see the trends. He told me " I'm the kind of person who will slap you if you are being dumb, and compliment you when you are doing well. Amy, you are doing very well, keep it up." I was tickled. He said there is a " goiter" on my thyroid.. but to expect that to grow during pregnancy, and it will be fine after delivery. He also added that I will be seeing him every 2 weeks until I'm 20 weeks. So I guess I'm gonna have to arrange to borrow that portable DVD player from my mom.. so the kids aren't too crazy during my appointments. I'm opposed to sitting them in front of the TV all the time.. but I need them to be quiet during my visits.. so I guess The video babysitter will have to do for now.The other update is that I heard back from my GYN's office and the nurse told me " honey, we saw a strong rise in beta cells... but I bet you could feel that huh?" She added that Dr. Wolfgram ( my GYN) is going to want to see me in addition to Dr. Landy. He wants to see next week.. just to see that everything is in place. So I guess it's official. If I didn't feel like throwing up right now.. I think I would be jumping in the air. I'll hold off until later. So, it seems that I have to boogie, Holden just walked in and said " mom, I fink I wanna wearn howta skate." I said, " on roller skates pal?" he said, "noooo on a board mom ( sigh)" My kid is 3 1/2 and I'm already a dork. Anyone out there know how to skateboard?

I MUST chill

I woke up this morning with some good, healthy, morning sickness. As mush as I felt like crap, I was thrilled to still feel pregnant. Mom spent the night here last night so we could go run a bunch of errands in preparation of Suze's baby shower. Mom and I chased Millie and Holden around a stationary store for a while, found what we needed and returned to our house. My morning sickness was getting stronger, so I decided to eat some lunch. A lunch I'm not sure I will ever eat again. This particular lunch consisted of a bowl of Grandma Morgan's potato salad ( something I have been craving for a week now... and something that is so delicious it is worth all the time consumption.) & a cream cheese, baby spinach, green onion and vine tomato wrap. I gave myself a good dose of insulin and the kids and I were on our way. I was scheduled to have my beta count taken again, since I found out that I was pregnant before I actually missed my period. I took the peeps, drove across town, made it the office in the nick of time. ( which is tough w/ Millie & Holden.. since they hafta do everything by " demselves.") I got my blood drawn.. and we were off to the Pharmacy ( our very special pharmacy... who are a degree of seperation in Millie & Holden's birth story.. ie: they sold us the fertility drugs. This pharmacy is so much like family.. that even when a particular little long haired boy steals a roll of lifesavers, they laugh and tease ... not ever ever ever get angry. The kids and I returned home after many errands... and they napped, big time. I checked my sugar, which was 200. High for me these days. So , I bolused 1 unit of insulin in my pump, and life went on. After the big nap was over, the kids and I attended a farewell party for a neighbor. I bolused 2 units, and ate some crackers and cheese, and a handful of raw baby carrots. An hour later I checked my sugar, and the monitor read 510. 510?!! Fears of killing my embryo raced through my head. I was convinced that I was going to miscarry... and threw myself into a private anxiety attack while my kids played " baby bear" with some neighborhood kids. I re-checked my sugar 5 minutes later and it read 300.. which is still awful.. but hey, WAY better than 510. ( oh yeah, for those of you who don't know.. normal range of bloodsugar for a non diabetic is 80-120... which is my current goal, being preggers and all) I bolused 2 units...and waited.. tick tock tick tock... checked again... 250.. bolused 1 unit... waited... re checked... 230.... bolused 1 unit... and when I got he kids in bed.. re-checked... 34. WHAT??? 34???!!! come on! Luckily ( & here's the reason I am posting today) my nurse educator, Laurie was online on AOL. I sent her a panicked IM. She talked to me for a half an hour telling me that things are okay.. and the babe is fine.. since my sugars have been so great lately. She taught me to lok @ the whole picture... not an isolated event. She told me that I am doing the bestI cna do..and to keep up the good work. She is wonderful and soothing and smart... and kind...always there ( even when I was being silly after I got my tattoos and I was freaked out) and do you get my point?? It's people like Laurie and all the awesome Doctors/nurses/medical professionals willing to work with me that prove that there are actually people out there who love their jobs enough to help a panick attacked girl @ 10pm. I always feel bad after a time like tonight. I wish there was something I could do for Laurie, but she says it's her pleasure to help, and she's available whenever I need her. I wish I could help someone the way Laurie helps me... and the rest of her patients.

Somebody pinch me.

For those of you who know me, you know that our reproductive past was well, anything but typical. A little re-cap for those of you who may have forgotten: 11 years ago, a doctor told me that I would never be able to get pregnant. Due to my brittle diabetes & the progression of my failing kidneys, pregnancy would put an unecessary burden on my body, and put the baby at high risk. Opinion after opinion seemed to tell us that maybe we should listen to the professionals, and consider some different options. Since we live in a fabulously modern world, Parker and I, with the help of my awesome sister Susan, decided to give gestational surrogacy a "go." After 2 failed cycles of IVF @ a local fertility center, & an emotionally drained Amy, we decided to persue a domestic adoption. After the birthmother we supported for months decided to keep the baby, Parker and I went through what I can only imagine felt the same as mourning the death of a baby. Fear of being childless was setting in... but we refused to give in. We decided that we would try yet another round of IVF, but this time, use a donated egg... so there was no risk of the biological mother keeping the baby, and Parker would be the biological father. We visited a new fertility Center. Our new Doctor told us that using a donated egg was probably unecessary, and that he didn't want to force us into anything because he understood the rollercoaster of IVF, but he was sure he could get my eggs to work. Sure enough, a few months later My sister Susan, Parker, Suze's boyfriend Danny and I cried our eyeballs out when we finally heard " congratulations!" after 4 years & our 3rd pregnancy test. A few weeks later, a viable twin pregnancy was confirmed. I am not using this board to discuss surrogacy, or it's effects, but I will tell you this: anyone who says " I'd carry a baby for my sister" has NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT.. because let me tell you, surrogacy is harder that you think, just ask Suze. @ 27 weeks and a few days, our twins were born. 5 intestinal surgeries, & 11 weeks later, our twins were brought home from the hospital, perfectly tiny, ( Millie Sue 3# 10 oz, Holden 4# 5oz) but perfectly healthy.3 1/2 years have since past. Life has been crazy. Ups and downs and everything inbetween. One thing that never waivered was that Parker and I knew we wanted a big family, and my desires to carry were still as strong as ever. I started hinting to my doctors that I might be interested in getting pregnant. I started paying close attention to my bloodsugars. I started charting everything I ate. I spoke w/ my awesome endocrinologist, Dr. Robert Ratner. http://www.spotlighthealth.com/common/about_us/med_Team/medTeamDetail.asp?id=21 Dr. Ratner assured me that pregnancy was possible, if I followed HIS rules. Rules : I was not to attempt getting pregnant until he approved my glyco hemoglobin A1C, ( a blood test that shows my bloodsugar control over the past 3 months) approved my bloodpressure off 3 of my meds, told me that I would use his team of specialists, assured me that I would be seeing him monthly until I got pregnant, after 20 weeks I would see him weekly, after 20 weeks, I would see him @ least 2 times a week, if not more. Now, add in visits to the nephrologist ( kidney specialist) & the perinatologist just as often, adn you have yourself a full time job.Parker and I thought his rules were reasonable. I was almost convinced. The next 3 months proved to me that I am able to control this disease. I pulled my A1C down from 8.5 to 7.5 in 3 months. 7.5 is Dr. Ratner's cut off. a 7.5 A1C lowers the risk of birth defects to the same level as anyone else ( with or without diabetes) trying to get pregnant. Dr. Ratner gave us the " green light." Something weird happened to me that day. The void in my abdomen that I had grown so accustomed to feeling, disappeared. For the first time in my life I had the ability to make a decision for my body. I could have said, " ya know, this pregnancy thing isn't for me " and that would have been fine, it was MY decision. ( along with Parker's support of course) For the first time I felt connected to me as a woman. I know.. you think that's weird, but it's the truth. I was no longer an alien. I no longer had to think about pregnancy as an out of body experience. I could connect to the idea of having someone grow inside of me, not a rented uterus.I was nervous about getting pregnant. I was nervous about not being able to make a baby. I was nervous I was going to get impatient after many months of trying.. and continue to harbor jealousy for anyone who was able to get pregnant, easily or not.On June 10th 2005 at 11:00 am, I found out : I am pregnant.The morning sickness, headaches, exhaustion,& constant trips to the bathroom are all things I have waited to feel for 8 years. I'm still so early I am trying not to get my hopes up. I know how it feels to lose a baby, so I don't want to set myself up quite yet.We got pregnant on our first try. We are so lucky. I wouldn't trade our past experiences for the world, they made me who I am today: strong. I am thrilled to be 5 weeks pregnant. Now, let's make it to 6.