We arrived home from the hosptial on Sunday February 5th at about 1 pm. All seemed well. The next day We saw our awesome pediatrician, Dr. Gober for the official "check in." Gus' bilirubin tested a level 12 on Sunday at the hospital. Dr. Gober said that was perfect, and all again was well. He even gave us his old faithful, " keep up the good work, he looks great" line. We had no reason to worry! Finally: a full term baby who was happy, healthy and fat fat fat. The next day my good friend Cathy came over (per my demands :) ) to meet Baby Gus. Cathy noticed the yellow in Gus' skin, but I told her " oh he's fine.. the doctor said..." bla bla bla. After Cathy left, I got a little nervous, so what was the harm in calling good ol' Dr. G? Dr. G said, why don't we just have him checked out... to be safe. Parker and I packed it up and went to the hospital lab to ease our minds, knowing that it was a waste of time, but still worth it to check, just in case. Shows you how much we know. Dr. Gober called the SECOND were returned home fromthe lab. He said " Take Gus back to the hospital." It seems that the cut off for a high bilirubin is 25 ( seizures, deafness, CP etc.. are all complications from a biliruben results of this level.) Gus's bilirubin was 22. We arrived at Shady Grove Hosptial at 10 pm. We walked into our room to find out that our roomate was a 17 year old girl passing a kidney stone. We apologized for the inconvienience. She said " ohh it's okay, I have a 6 week old at home, I'm used to it." Gus was put on a very strict every 2 hour feeding schedule... and we were forced to supplement w/ formula( the "F" word) WITH A BOTTLE. NOOOOOOOOOOO say it isn't so! A Bottle?.. .But but.. Gus is a breastfed baby! He's still learning... can't we cup feed??? " No" said the nurse. I was devastated. I was going to mess everything up. Luckily my hormones were kicking in.. so I was crying about everything. ( especially the fact that we were having a bris for Gus.) I cried through the night as I shared a hosptial bed with Parker... winced at every move since my incision was very tender... and my body hurt. I cried at every feed...knowing that a bottle was the enemy... eventhough it was helping my little baby boy hydrate... and pee and poo out those yucky left over dead red blood cells his immature little liver couldn't kill off. The guilt set in nicely as I realized that I never once questioned Millie adn Holden's care inthe NICU and never once "guraded" my children as they were having procedures. IF someone even thought about touching Gus that night, I was very defensive and concerned that Gus was scared or confused. I felt like such a bad mother. Do I love Gus more than I love Millie and Holden??? Ahh confusion.. hormones... fear... anger! I fell asleep crying. A lactation consultant arrived @ about 10 am. She was very upset that we were forced to bottle feed .. especially since I could have fed the entire pediatric unit w/ the amount of milk I produce. We arranged to "finger feed" Gus. YAY! No more stinky formula or nipple confusion! I felt like that bolder on my shoulder was lifted. Later in the morning we were told that another bili would be drawn THE NEXT MORNING. Uh oh.. more waterworks. I couldn't stop myself. I was DONE. Another 24 hours of this crap? NO Luckily Dr. G called and I explained that this arrangement was less than satisfactory..and worked out a deal that if Gus' bili came down to an acceptable level, maybe we could go home on a bili-blanket. Gus' next test showed that his bilirubin was 18.5. Not quite low enough. We talked things over with the Dr. on staff . She agreed to re-test Gus' bili and see if things were coming down later that day. @ 5 pm we were told that we could go home. Oh Joy and rapture! HOME! I was laughing and crying at the same time. These hormones can be tricky. We waited until 9pm for the bili blanket guy to arrive...and we skee daddled. Upon arriving at our home.. I lost my cookies. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to feed Gus.. or even look at him. He was screaming his little head off.. and I sat pretty much naked in the bathroom bawling. What a miserable failure I was. Parker offered to finger feed Gus... so I could sleep, but I couldn't pump enough milk. For the first time in a week my body wouldn't make milk. The world's worst anxiety attack followed suit. What a hideous affair. I reluctantly fed Gus. He is so frikkin' awesome. If I were him I would have bitten my nipple hard... but he didn't. He drank slowly and calmly as I cried softly, while surrounded by my poor mom and my frazzled husband. Again my support network is amazing. Convinced I was in the throws of PPD. I crawled into bed.. and sweated the night away... along with feeding my baby boy. Things got better. Gus got better. His bilirubin tested 15 the next day.. and then down to 14 as of Friday night. It's been a long week. I am tired, but not "beaten." I know I can do this.. As long as I have my family with me to remind me that I am only human.. . and I'm doing the best I can.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
The "F" word. Gus : one week old.
We arrived home from the hosptial on Sunday February 5th at about 1 pm. All seemed well. The next day We saw our awesome pediatrician, Dr. Gober for the official "check in." Gus' bilirubin tested a level 12 on Sunday at the hospital. Dr. Gober said that was perfect, and all again was well. He even gave us his old faithful, " keep up the good work, he looks great" line. We had no reason to worry! Finally: a full term baby who was happy, healthy and fat fat fat. The next day my good friend Cathy came over (per my demands :) ) to meet Baby Gus. Cathy noticed the yellow in Gus' skin, but I told her " oh he's fine.. the doctor said..." bla bla bla. After Cathy left, I got a little nervous, so what was the harm in calling good ol' Dr. G? Dr. G said, why don't we just have him checked out... to be safe. Parker and I packed it up and went to the hospital lab to ease our minds, knowing that it was a waste of time, but still worth it to check, just in case. Shows you how much we know. Dr. Gober called the SECOND were returned home fromthe lab. He said " Take Gus back to the hospital." It seems that the cut off for a high bilirubin is 25 ( seizures, deafness, CP etc.. are all complications from a biliruben results of this level.) Gus's bilirubin was 22. We arrived at Shady Grove Hosptial at 10 pm. We walked into our room to find out that our roomate was a 17 year old girl passing a kidney stone. We apologized for the inconvienience. She said " ohh it's okay, I have a 6 week old at home, I'm used to it." Gus was put on a very strict every 2 hour feeding schedule... and we were forced to supplement w/ formula( the "F" word) WITH A BOTTLE. NOOOOOOOOOOO say it isn't so! A Bottle?.. .But but.. Gus is a breastfed baby! He's still learning... can't we cup feed??? " No" said the nurse. I was devastated. I was going to mess everything up. Luckily my hormones were kicking in.. so I was crying about everything. ( especially the fact that we were having a bris for Gus.) I cried through the night as I shared a hosptial bed with Parker... winced at every move since my incision was very tender... and my body hurt. I cried at every feed...knowing that a bottle was the enemy... eventhough it was helping my little baby boy hydrate... and pee and poo out those yucky left over dead red blood cells his immature little liver couldn't kill off. The guilt set in nicely as I realized that I never once questioned Millie adn Holden's care inthe NICU and never once "guraded" my children as they were having procedures. IF someone even thought about touching Gus that night, I was very defensive and concerned that Gus was scared or confused. I felt like such a bad mother. Do I love Gus more than I love Millie and Holden??? Ahh confusion.. hormones... fear... anger! I fell asleep crying. A lactation consultant arrived @ about 10 am. She was very upset that we were forced to bottle feed .. especially since I could have fed the entire pediatric unit w/ the amount of milk I produce. We arranged to "finger feed" Gus. YAY! No more stinky formula or nipple confusion! I felt like that bolder on my shoulder was lifted. Later in the morning we were told that another bili would be drawn THE NEXT MORNING. Uh oh.. more waterworks. I couldn't stop myself. I was DONE. Another 24 hours of this crap? NO Luckily Dr. G called and I explained that this arrangement was less than satisfactory..and worked out a deal that if Gus' bili came down to an acceptable level, maybe we could go home on a bili-blanket. Gus' next test showed that his bilirubin was 18.5. Not quite low enough. We talked things over with the Dr. on staff . She agreed to re-test Gus' bili and see if things were coming down later that day. @ 5 pm we were told that we could go home. Oh Joy and rapture! HOME! I was laughing and crying at the same time. These hormones can be tricky. We waited until 9pm for the bili blanket guy to arrive...and we skee daddled. Upon arriving at our home.. I lost my cookies. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to feed Gus.. or even look at him. He was screaming his little head off.. and I sat pretty much naked in the bathroom bawling. What a miserable failure I was. Parker offered to finger feed Gus... so I could sleep, but I couldn't pump enough milk. For the first time in a week my body wouldn't make milk. The world's worst anxiety attack followed suit. What a hideous affair. I reluctantly fed Gus. He is so frikkin' awesome. If I were him I would have bitten my nipple hard... but he didn't. He drank slowly and calmly as I cried softly, while surrounded by my poor mom and my frazzled husband. Again my support network is amazing. Convinced I was in the throws of PPD. I crawled into bed.. and sweated the night away... along with feeding my baby boy. Things got better. Gus got better. His bilirubin tested 15 the next day.. and then down to 14 as of Friday night. It's been a long week. I am tired, but not "beaten." I know I can do this.. As long as I have my family with me to remind me that I am only human.. . and I'm doing the best I can.
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4 comments:
just remember that you are "frikkin awesome too. you are doing so great! and can i get a shot of that ted stocking pose?! HOT!!!! love you hame...
Hame - you are awesome & you are doing the best you can. Don't forget that he is just over a week old & you're still healing, throw in a few (ok alot) of hormones...and as I told you, I am still sweating at night..and RMR is nearing 6 months.) don't be too hard on yourself :) xo, kare
Well you know I think you are the shiznit. Nurses forced me to formula feed w/ a bottle too (since then nurses are on the same shit list as doctors for me). I didn't know there was such a thing as finger/cup feeding newborns and our LC was livid they tricked me into it also. Made me feel like he would die if I didn't do formula and a bottle. Bitches. Sorry still bitter.
But hormones are wacky, you are doing great as Gus shows you. I can't wait to meet him.
What is it with these people and their formula? I simply do not get it, but it seems to be ubiquitous. Turn your back for a second and they're telling your husband that the only way to save the day is to screw up the entire plan and give the baby a bottle. I would actually LOVE to see the La Leche League girls storm that castle! Furthermore, I would love to have the numbers on how many new mommies run screaming to the emergency room two days after delivery (other than you and me) with jaundice and listlessness, and whether that practice saves the insurance companies any money over just keeping you in the hospital another day or two.
But Ame, that Gus is a hunka-hunka burnin' love, girl, even in a crewneck! He's a beauty. Nuvy's got his picture in her wallet already :-) Congratulations. It's so amazing. Isn't it always?
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