a man of many names

It seems that we are a family who uses nicknames. From " Millie Vanilli" to Hipster.. and now we are adding in a few more just for fun. It is ohh so easy to play with a name like Angus. Parker's friends at work call him " T-Bone." Another friend said that he loves the name Angus.. because it's a good "Beefy" name. ( I cracked up at that one) At dinner I call him " Aspara-Gus." ( this is also what he will be for Halloween this year.) Everytime he gets weighed at the pediatrician's, I call him " Humun-Gus." Now other nicknames are developing per his personality. For instance: since he has massive reflux and barfs constantly, when he spits up on me I call him " Wyatt Urp." When he is on his favorite pillow in our bathroom kickin' it old school, we refer to him as " Sir Kicks a Lot." My favorite ( which I lovingly borrow from Jenny) when he is gassy " Gaseous Clay."When Gus is angry he is called : " Grumpy Gus." Given that Gus is a Parker... he has a tendancy to whine a little.. when this happens I call him " Squeaks." As for now.. as his lays wiggling in the sling on my chest.. I'll call him , " Hungry." Gotta go.

Ba Ba

Welp, we did it. Gus drank from his first bottle. Okay, it was his third bottle, counting the 2 other ones he had when he was in hospital as jaundice as a baby pumpkin. I blocked those out entirely. Gus latched onto the bottle last night as if he were always bottlefed. He sucked down 3 oz in 2 minutes flat... and I ended up nursing him for 20 minutes on each side right afterward. I'm not sure I got any R&R. I thought maybe giving him a bottle would be HELPFUL. Nope, it was more work than just nursing him. I am glad Parker got to help out though. I know he enjoyed those 2 minutes of unadulterated contact very much. Hey Parker,next time, how 'bout ya change his diaper, put on his pjs and THEN give him the bottle... so you can get the entire effect, will ya? ( wink) Baby steps, I s'poze. All in all I am glad we gave him the bottle. Now we know that if there is an emergency and I can't nurse him, he will do just fine. I am finding it very hard to believe that almost 7 weeks has passed. I can remember being checked into the hospital all pregnant and swollen and scared. I never knew how hard it would be to look back on those days. It's funny how I miss them, eventhough they were hard. Gus seems so big to me now. He is smiling when I kiss his face, and cooing at me when I talk to him. He eats with a vengence and when he sleeps, he looks so peaceful and right. Gus does what Gus wants. Isn't that how it should be? Shouldn't we all be as lucky as babies? I am so proud of my babies for all that they have done and are doing. ( Millie has figured out all of her green sounds in her moveable alphabet, and mastered the binomial cube. ( Montessori speak...and something a mommy should be very proud of) & Holden is sounding out words on sight. It gives me chills to think about all that they have accomplished. )We are so lucky. I am looking forward to days where we sit at the dinner table as a big family and laugh and cry together. For now, I'm gonna go watch my baby boy sleep. I won't get today back, I better enjoy it while I can.

huh? I can't hear you...

I have a baby screaming in my ear! So it seems that my Gentle Gus... has turned a corner into what my sister calls the "crying peak." I guess he's allowed to air his grievences... but does he have to do so with such "GUSto?" ( thanks for that one Cara) The poor wee man is hoarse from screaming his lil' head off. I remember the days of quiet drunk baby milk smiles, and cooing at the ceiling. Now it's WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BAAA ( deep breath) BAAAAAAAA.. WAHHHHHH ( pant pant pant) (deep breath.. sigh) & that's just what I'm saying! ( okay I'm only saying that sometimes) I have 3 theories on this development: 1) Gus hates to have a dirty or wet diaper. He squeals the second he does either. 2) He's going through a massive growth spurt. 3) I ate onions for the first time since he was born. I forgot all about how gassy onions can make ya. I'm sure the pepperoni I ate on Saturday didn't help either. Note to self: you're not just eating for you these days... be nice to the baby's digestive track. The only thing that makes Gus settle down is : nursing. Hence I have a catfish suckled to my chest pretty much all frikkin' day long. ( remember before Gus was born .. I had nightmares about me delivering a baby that looked like a catfish.. well, it must have been a sign) It's fine... but can a girl get a break? I didn't get into the fact that I had a little trouble with my nip last week. Seems that when Gus was learning that tricky latch back when he was first born.. a small tear developed along the ol' nip. Well, time and diabetes don't help this kind of wound.. so I had to go see Dr. R. ( per advice of my Lactation consultant) I was so embarassed! I had to actually show Dr R my BOOB! He said he could handle it. :) I told him that he HAD to erase the image from his brains forever. He laughed. He's so patient with me. For now I have to wear this nip shield. ( to keep the good girl dry) Very attractive lemme tell ya. The other thing we have decided to do is give Gus one bottle a day. Parker has mentioned that he feels a little left out when it comes to Gus. I understand.. adn frankly I could use a little R&R in the evenings. As much as it pains me to do it ( because I love to watch Gus nurse) I can part with his little mouth so the dad can have some fun too. I mean I feed him 12-13 times a day these days.. I can break away just once a day, right? Someone tell me this is okay!( the PPD makes my guilt o'meter go berzerker!) Okay.. I am off to actually get something accomplished today. Today's goal: write 3 thank you notes and address them. I'm 6 weeks behind.. and I have about 50 to write. Here's my first attempt at following through on my new year's resolution. Let's see how it goes.

Who's down with PPD??? Yeah~ you know me

Welp... I think it happened. The uncontrollable crying... excessive worry... fear... and laughter.. inability to eat... all rolled up into one. I am either in the beginning of PPD or I am certifiably nuts. Today is looking a little better than yesterday... but it's only 8:30 am anything could happen. I don't want to come off as someone who is complaining about life with a newborn... or being overwhelmed by my growing number of responsibilities. It's a little bit more than that. As I have been bawling my eyes out riddled with fear and loathing... there is no real reason for me to be sad. The weird thing is: As I am crying.. I am thinking about how lucky I am... how much I love my baby, my kids... my husband... the fact that I have seemingly everything I have ever wanted... especially the fact that my dream of carrying a baby came true... but yet: waterworks. I wasn't going to write about this. I was going to keep it to myself. I mean why would I want my family and friends... and those lurkers to know this utterly personal situation I am in right now? Why would I want to let on that not all is well in my world? But I gotta tell ya, I just feel that honesty is the best policy... and I know I'm not the only one out there struggling with this. This is part of the " dream come true " package I WANTED. I WANTED to be pregnant... and such is life post pregnancy I s'poze. Some of us get this... some of us don't. I will tell you : my dreams of having 4 kids are not quite as strong these days. Let's see how I feel in 4 years or so. :) Maybe I'll forget... maybe I won't. Only time will tell. As for now I will push on through each day knowing that I'm not really insane... that it is hornmones making me crazy... and hopefully I will be able to kick this PPD in the ass and stop all this crying about nothing... sooner rather than later. If anyone has any pointers out there. Please don't keep them to yourself. Help a hormonal girl out!

That's a 10-4 good buddy

10 pounds 4 ounces to be exact. Yepper our "Wee Angus" has morphed into " Humun-Gus." It's no wonder, that kid is on the boob almost every 2 hours. I'm glad it's paying off.. I'm feeling a little like a "noonie" these days. Which segways me right into: noonie or not to noonie?This child obviously needs to suck on something. I'm guessing it's going to be his thumb ( he keeps trying to get his thumb in his mouth, but really only succeeds in punching himself in the eye over and over again... and getting more frustrated) I can't be sure if Gus really needs to eat every hour and a half.. or if I am fulfilling his needs to suck to soothe himself. Now, I'm not opposed to this, don't get me wrong. The idea of pacifying him with a rubber nipple makes me a little squeamish. Remember that it took me 2 years to help MS & HIP kick their habit. Yet: when I idealized the fact that I would be Gus' natural pacifier... I forgot to factor in those hours between dinner and bedtime that are ever so important to MS & HIP. Those hours (shut up.. it takes us a few hours to get MS & HIP all settled down to sleep at night. Hey, it's fun having a twin to tear it up and play until you literally fall asleep) have been the hours of attention they have always gotten that I believe actually meant something to each of them. They get to pick their own stories... not share which bed they sleep in and snuggle the mama. I value that time as wwell obviously. Now they have a baby brother who seems to want to play " howler monkey" from about 7- 11pm. Don't go thinkin' that Gus is screaming constantly for 4 hours... it's just that that's when he awake.. and he seems to fuss when I try to get everything all quiet. It really isn't helping the nighttime routine. I know that I will get better at the nursing and scheduling, but it has been noticeably hard on the 2 older peeps. Our pediatrian is "pro- pacifier." He says that thumb sucking is so hard to break. I'm gonna have to agree with him there. Once MS & HIP decided that they were ready to give up their noonies, they did it, and they never looked back. I will shamelessly admit that I have indeed put a noonie is Gus' mouth, but only when he was content. I haven't popped the ol' rubber neeple ( a la Ren and Stimpy) in there when he's screaming. Here's what I have noticed: he doesn't really like the noonie... but sucks on it nevertheless. He LOVES his thumb.. but it takes a half an hour to get his hand relaxed enough to actually get his thumb in there... which makes him MAD. His soothing technique of choice: my boob. This is fine during the day.. but I'm starting to wonder if I'm establishing a bad habit here. I feel awful for Millie and Holden. Millie said to me the other night, " Mom, if you finish feeding Gus soon, can you come back and snuggle us?" ( as she sat in her little bed with the light of the nightlight lighting up her long hair.) My heart broke, because I knew there wasn't a chance in hell I was going to be back when they were still awake. Sigh. I am in quite a pickle here. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Flyin' Solo

Today was THE day. The day I do this mother of 3 thing without any help. I was awakened by the most effective alarm clock known to man: a whiney baby. Time check~ 5:45 am. Good. I changed Angus' diaper and fed him. He ate for about 30 minutes. Perfect. I hopped in the shower. All clean. Angus laid on a pillow on the floor of the bathroom swatting at who knows what and kicking his feet furiously while I dried off and got ready for the day. Gus must have noticed that I was getting comfortable, so he started to cry. Knowing I had plenty of time, I popped him back on the boob and enjoyed watching him drink with his eyes fixated on mine. He ate for another 20 minutes. Okay still good... I had plenty of time. I have to leave the house w/ 3 kids who have been changed and fed on all different levels by 8:45 to make "carpool" at the kids' school. Time check: 7 am. Okay still plenty of time. I tried to apply a layer of make up to my tired face, only to have the baby's hysterical crying as my morning theme music. ( man is it hard to sing along with that... but I am starting to learn the words) Hubby asks ( from under the covers while hitting the snooze button for the 100th time,) " why is he crying?" I glare at him in disgust and say , " I dunno." Hubby responds, " did you feed him?" I raise my left eyebrow wayyyy above my bangs... and swear to myself not to kill him. I finish up and go to the big kids' room and start the morning countdown. Both kids seem to almost listen to me. A seemingly overfed and relfuxy baby hurls on my black shirt. I wipe it off and continue on...I get the two version 1.0 out of bed... and downstairs for breakfast. I accidentally dripped syrup on Gus' head.. but he didn't seem to mind. I guess he figured that he has thrown up on me about 300 times since Sunday... he owes me one. Amazingly I got all 3 kids and myself out the door by 8:50. Not bad. Not bad at'tall. Drop off went smoothly at the kids' school. I drove into the city. I had an appointment with a graphic designer to help with the design of Angus' birth announcement. I arrived 30 minutes early... perfect to sneak in that mid morning feed. Angus ate... and I popped him into the pouch. He was fast asleep.Two thumbs up. I told a woman that I was there to meet with one of the designers. I was informed that she was "running late." An hour later...I was told, " ya know, she's not a morning person." I thought to myself..."I'm no morning person... but I've been up since 5:45... what's her excuse?" grr. I left. Gus barfed on me. I wiped it off. So far the day had been fine... but that annoyed me. Gus and I went home together.We spent some time just staring at each other. I told him that he was my dream come true. He barfed on my mouth after I kissed him. Now that's love! I picked up MS & HIP at 3 o'clock and drove home. I was so proud. I didn't mess up! 2 minutes after we walked in the door, HIP locked the bathroom door and shut it so MS couldn't get in.A skuffle ensued. I kindly broke it up... and HIP apologized. ( The bathroom is still locked.I'm not quite sure how we're going to unlock it.) Afterwhile I decided to check my e-mail. A few minutes later, MS walks into the office holding Angus.( she had taken him out of his carseat) I quickly put my hand over my mouth so I didn't squeal and scare the bejesus out of her. She said, " I only hit his head one time on the floor." She was so proud. I was proud too. This day could have been a lot worse. I loved every minute of it. Let's see how we do tomorrow.

Master of the Random thought

Holden has always had this ability to perplex us with some of the things he says. Back in the day, when the kids were about 2 years old we had quite a time getting them into bed one night when we were at the beach. Holden screamed his head off for hours no matter what we did. I laid in bed with him, rubbed his back, patted his bottom, sang to him, rocked him, swayed him with no avail. Parker and I took shifts... and nothing seemed to work. At about 2 am I gave up. I was willing to let him run willie nillie around the house until he passed out. Parker is more careful than I so he took him into the bedroom and sat in the dark with him. After HOURS of screaming, there was silence. I walked into the room very quietly and Parker was smiling. I said, "uh, what's going on?" Parker responded, " Holden just said, ' Dad, I like olives.' and he went to sleep." See what I mean? Random thought. Well, tonight as we sat at the dinner table, Holden commented on how Ruby is lonely. Holden said, " Ruby needs a friend that's made out of dog." Another Holdenism: while looking down my dad's throat with a flashlight... he said, " Pop Pop, lemme look down your drain." See what I mean? He has such a way with words. I hope he never loses that. It's hilarious.

kinda sad

I can't tell if the ol' hormones are kickin' back in, or if yesterday was just kinda sad all around. Let me start at the beginning. I had an appointment with my dietician at Dr. R's office yesterday. (Remember~ these are the people I saw every 7 days for 17 weeks) I was prepared to go in and see everyone; especially my friend who works in the lab... remember she taught me the word "ticklebits?" When I walked in, the first few people we saw were so excited to see me and meet Gus. It was a warm feeling. Strangely enough, I was glad to be at my doctor's office. Sometimes I am weird... but that's not the point. I was glad to be in a familiar place. This all came to a screetching hault when I found out that my friend from the lab stopped working at the office. "Wh-wh-wh-where'd she go???" Sniff. I asked... "why did she leave??" ( loaded with panic and disappointment) I was told in a very hushed voice... " we had to make some cuts... we're all pretty sad about the changes." ( I was on the verge of crying) I REALLY wanted my friend to meet Gus! I REALLY wanted her to hold him so I could take her picture. I KNOW these things happen... but I'm not good at dealing with change. Off to a meeting at the kids' school. There have been some changes made to some things at school that have caused a few eyebrows to furrow and a lot of questions to be asked. Basically the parents staged a revolt and stormed the castle. I stood in the back of the room, and didn't get the entire story because people kept making a fuss over Gus.. which was nice... but I couldn't pay attention to the various points being made. I will say : (oh, I FYI.. I was sorta hired as the " art teacher" last year for the kids' school. Given my CRAZY doctor's appointment schedule for the last 2 trimesters.. I was only able to carry out one real project... but had planned on returning this spring to fulfill the "art teacher role.") I shook a little because The first thing addressed were the " specialists" at the school ( ie: art teacher... and the like) Of course the woman running the show starts out by saying" The art teacher hasn't been here because she, uh, well because of her new baby.... bla bla bla..." She then went on to explain that most of the speicalists have small children etc... and the schedules have been a little relaxed due to family commitments. She mentioned that one of the specialists didn't have kids and tried to make thing lighter by saying " She doesn't have kids... thank goodness!"( laughing under her breath with a sigh of relief...) OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT. Now I know she was under fire... and I know she thought she was funny... but that statement felt like she was running a business... not a loving school environment.Anyways she segway'd right into one very important person... in the community... who just had a babe... who informed the community yesterday that she isn't coming back in the fall. My heart dropped. I just hept hearing " she won't be returning in the fall and we are working on finding a replacement. " ( Hey important person in the community... I know you read my blog... so I sincerely want to add: I am thrilled for you that you will able to stay at home and get to experience the little one. I couldn't be happier for you. I'm just sad for us. You understand, right? Please say you do.)I'd say that ( what I got from the meeting.. it wa a little hard w/ people fussing over Gus) things were discussed, and the changes being made in the school were explained. So in less than 3 hours 2 major changes were made. These changes aren't extreme... they're just changes.. and when you're overtired.. change is hard. I had my good boy Gus with me all day. He was a real trooper. It seems that he has his first cold. Poor lil' man. I'm taking him to the pediatrician today because his little cough sounds a little scary to me... it's just a little too chesty for me to ignore. Given that MS & HIP had bronchitis last week and were licking his little face every chance they got, and Parker has" the sickness" it doesn't surprise me. I am so sad for baby Gus ( yes I'm sad for the rest of my family as well... it's just that this is Gus' FIRST cold.) I really thought we could wait longer than a month to get our first cold. NOT FAIR! Gus slept on my chest last night all night. I was terrified to put him down. He is so snotty and goopy... and he coughs a lot. I just wanted him near me. Plus there's nothin' better than a snuggly baby to help soothe that awful anxiety attack. Ch-CH-Ch-Changes.......