We're all good.

It seems that eventhough Gus mayyyy have an incorrect latch... he is getting enough calories to hold him over. Gus weighed 9lbs 1 oz today! Yes indeedy he gained one half a pound in 7 days. So we're not using the "s" word in our vocabulary... at least not right now. :) It was discovered that Gus has a touch of the reflux. I noticed that his little voice was a little hoarse... and he arches a lot when he eats. Back when M& H were babes... I would have freaked out and called as soon as I heard any change in their voices... but I wasn't as quick to diagnose Gus with reflux due to his size. ( M&H both were relfuxing fools until they were 1. We speak reflux very fluently. ) As much as I hate it.. Gus was put on zantac. Hopefully this will do the trick and he will grow out of it soon. Dr. G. said that he couldn't be happier with Gus' health. He said that Gus is looking great and gave me the old standard, " Keep up the good work." I am still planning on going to see the lactation consultant in the morning, just to make sure that I am working these boobies the right way, and I'm not wasting anyone's time... especially Gus'.

Last night was a real eye opener: I ( accidentally ) fell asleep @ 11pm while feeding Gus. Parker woke me up @ 2:30. I got up and got ready for bed... and fed the wee one. As I was finishing up the 3 0'clock feed, in walked a very warm... and very sleepy Holden. Seems that his fever spiked back up, and the " coughs" were keeping him awake. I put G back in the bassinet, and got to work on the older boy variety. I medicated /hydrated/and snuggled him back into dreamland. I woke up in a toddler bed @ 6:45.. walked myself back to my bed... woke up @ 7 for the 7 o'clock feed. I sat up @ 9:45 very groggy, but somehow glad that I did it.. and I didn't even cry. Maybe just maybe I'm going to be able to do this after all.

Due date.

February 20th was Gus' due date. It was kind of weird to look back on my pregnancy yesterday. I coincidentally had an appointment w/Dr. L. It was nice to see her. I had a little seperation anxiety from her/ Georgetown hospital. Think about it... I was there 4 times a week for the last 2 months of my pregnancy. I got used to my surroundings. Anyways...Dr. L checked my incision... and checked my head to see if i have PPD. Everything checked out okay... and I was sent on my way. I am going to make an appointment w/ a lactation consultant today. I am afraid that Gus' latch isn't quite right... and i'm not getting enough milk into him. Today is the official "weigh in" @ Dr. G's. Hopefully G is gaining weight... or I'm sure I'll hear the "s" word. Everyone keep their fingers crossed... and think heavy thoughts.

unconditional

I hope he never makes me stop doing this to him. Okay... it might look a little weird when he's 30 years old... but you know what I mean.

We're Fockerizing

I'm not trying to look for reasons to question the way I parent. I'm not even sure I agree w/ all the AP opinions etc... I do know that I am trying a calmer.. more soothing way to raise my children than I did in the past. With a little bit of research and the ability to count to ten in my head before screaming my head off... I really want to try the elusive attachment parenting. Problem is: am I setting myself up? I LOVE wearing Gus. LOVE IT. He gets all squished up in the fetal position... and rests his head on my boobs for hours, while he's in the pouch. I prefer not to put him in a swing. ( eventhough Millie and Holden spent probably 70% of their days as babies in swings as I tried to learn how to be their mommy.) No loud music. ( eventhough Millie and Holden rocked out to Southern Culture on the Skids pretty much all day... since it was the one thing that calmed them down) I HATE to hear him cry ( eventhough when Millie and Holden were babies I would not allow anyone to touch them for 30 minutes as they learned to "self soothe." ) I'm not sure Gus has ever cried for more than 40 seconds while I changed his diaper, and when he does fuss.. I just say, " what's the fuss Gus? " and he stops and looks for my face. He has never been instructed to " self soothe" and when given the oppertunity, Gus lays next to me in bed while I nurse him quietly telling him how much I love him. What happened to me? Why was I so " hard" on Millie and Holden.. but totally protective of Gus? WHy was I uncomfortable telling Millie and Holden that I loved them until they were well over 1 year old? Maybe I realized that life is hard... and children should look to their parents as a support network-vs- dictators. Maybe I was so terrified to lose Millie and Holden ( due to their rocky start) that I was a tough ass out of defense?Maybe the bond was harder to establish because Susan carreid them? ( I HOPE that is not the reason!) I don't know... but I will tell you: I feel guilty about my past parenting style. I have been told by a few people to "put him down" to sleep.. "so he gets used to it." My argument there is : His actual due date isn't until tomorrow. If he were still inside of me, he'd feel movements and hear my voice. I can't imagine feeling certain movements, and hearing one person's voice as long as my ears worked... and all of a sudden have to " learn" ( by my own defenses) how to sleep on my back... and cry.. and hear other people's voices up close and personal. I know that in time I will want to put Gus down. For now I want to ease everyone into the transition... KINDLY. I don't want to bark " I am doing this my way... leave me alone!" to the people trying to help me. They aren't saying these things to start trouble. I know they are trying to help. Hey, if I'm willing to allow Gus to use my boob as his pacifier from 1:45AM - 4:45 AM... that's my choice, right? I could EASILY pop a noonie in his mouth... but, where's the kindness in that? Parker isn't into the co-bedding-baby wearing- cloth diapering thing as much as I am... but he doesn't disrespect the choices I am making. I am thankful for him. I know things feel a little rocky, but I bet in a few weeks I'll have this down pat. For now I'll nod my head and smile... and know that if I wanna wear my baby until he asks me to put him down ... I can do that. Parker and I like to joke and say " we're Fockerizing Gus." ( if you don't get that one.. go watch the movie " Meet the Fockers." HILARIOUS) We'll do what's right for us... and save up for Gus' therapy along the way.

2 weeks gone by

I think there is a cruel irony about the weeks post partum. Why is it that the ol' pregnancy hormones hit ya a week after the delivery? I mean, think about it, I had to carry this little guy( shut up, I know he's huge... but it's all relative right?) for 37 weeks to finally meet him... and for the weeks following his birth.. I am riddled with fear and anxiety. Now,I hold him and look at him pretty much all day... and it is just now that I am able to see his inate beauty. I revel in his babyness and the spectacle that is all him. I get lost in the sounds of his breathing and the smell of his hair. I love when he tries to latch onto my lips and I take the oppertuity to kiss him all over his face. I get sad because I think back to the week we came home from the hosptial and I remember how troubled I felt about having a new baby. I want that week back! DO over! I don't think Gus minds... as long as I hold him and give him my boobs when he asks. I don't remember the power of being a new mom to Millie and Holden. I remember being kind of scared, but proud of my responsibility... and really played down the twin card... make believing that it was " easy." Gus is easy. Gus cries when I change his diaper... and when he is hungry. Other than that he is the wunkerkind baby I totally don't deserve. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have been given this oppertunity. What a totally amazing experience. A few days ago I realized that I now have 3 children... who rock my world more each day. What did I do to deserve this?

Pouch glorious pouch

Jennifer what would I do without you? Yes friends, my friend Jen ( Jenny to me and a handful of others) Makes these absolutely amazing pouch slings. I cannot tell you how amazing they are... you have to find out for yourself. Scoot yer fruit on over to http://www.bellalinabambina.com and order up a slew of them today! You'll thank me for it. I tried very hard to wear Millie and Holden when they were babies.. but they were so small, they would get all swallowed up in the fabric. Given " Tiny's" girth.. he fits in this thing jusssst right. There are days where Gus is in it for 3-4 hours and he is snoozin' the entire time. He gets mad when I take him out to feed him. One of these days I'll figure out how to nurse him while he is IN the pouch. :) Baby steps... I just figured out how to get the kid to latch on without cussing my head off because it hurts so badly. I will say.. I think poor Baby Gus gets a little confused when his little face is up against my boobs. A few times he has literally bounced ( yes just like a ball) his face off of my boobies over and over again.. getting madder by the second because there is just no nipple to be found.. and I am obviously wearing him just to tease him. The pouch has also saved his life. Remember that two 4 year olds can be pretty powerful when they want to accomplish something. I shoulda known something was up when they were 3 years old & they poured diet coke into an apple juice bottle and put it in the fridge ... and started begging for " juice." 3 Years old people. They make sure they get what they want. Let's just say that Gus is safe if I wear him. Hence... I am an attachment parent by default. It's cool. That's what I wanted anyways.

The "F" word. Gus : one week old.

We arrived home from the hosptial on Sunday February 5th at about 1 pm. All seemed well. The next day We saw our awesome pediatrician, Dr. Gober for the official "check in." Gus' bilirubin tested a level 12 on Sunday at the hospital. Dr. Gober said that was perfect, and all again was well. He even gave us his old faithful, " keep up the good work, he looks great" line. We had no reason to worry! Finally: a full term baby who was happy, healthy and fat fat fat. The next day my good friend Cathy came over (per my demands :) ) to meet Baby Gus. Cathy noticed the yellow in Gus' skin, but I told her " oh he's fine.. the doctor said..." bla bla bla. After Cathy left, I got a little nervous, so what was the harm in calling good ol' Dr. G? Dr. G said, why don't we just have him checked out... to be safe. Parker and I packed it up and went to the hospital lab to ease our minds, knowing that it was a waste of time, but still worth it to check, just in case. Shows you how much we know. Dr. Gober called the SECOND were returned home fromthe lab. He said " Take Gus back to the hospital." It seems that the cut off for a high bilirubin is 25 ( seizures, deafness, CP etc.. are all complications from a biliruben results of this level.) Gus's bilirubin was 22. We arrived at Shady Grove Hosptial at 10 pm. We walked into our room to find out that our roomate was a 17 year old girl passing a kidney stone. We apologized for the inconvienience. She said " ohh it's okay, I have a 6 week old at home, I'm used to it." Gus was put on a very strict every 2 hour feeding schedule... and we were forced to supplement w/ formula( the "F" word) WITH A BOTTLE. NOOOOOOOOOOO say it isn't so! A Bottle?.. .But but.. Gus is a breastfed baby! He's still learning... can't we cup feed??? " No" said the nurse. I was devastated. I was going to mess everything up. Luckily my hormones were kicking in.. so I was crying about everything. ( especially the fact that we were having a bris for Gus.) I cried through the night as I shared a hosptial bed with Parker... winced at every move since my incision was very tender... and my body hurt. I cried at every feed...knowing that a bottle was the enemy... eventhough it was helping my little baby boy hydrate... and pee and poo out those yucky left over dead red blood cells his immature little liver couldn't kill off. The guilt set in nicely as I realized that I never once questioned Millie adn Holden's care inthe NICU and never once "guraded" my children as they were having procedures. IF someone even thought about touching Gus that night, I was very defensive and concerned that Gus was scared or confused. I felt like such a bad mother. Do I love Gus more than I love Millie and Holden??? Ahh confusion.. hormones... fear... anger! I fell asleep crying. A lactation consultant arrived @ about 10 am. She was very upset that we were forced to bottle feed .. especially since I could have fed the entire pediatric unit w/ the amount of milk I produce. We arranged to "finger feed" Gus. YAY! No more stinky formula or nipple confusion! I felt like that bolder on my shoulder was lifted. Later in the morning we were told that another bili would be drawn THE NEXT MORNING. Uh oh.. more waterworks. I couldn't stop myself. I was DONE. Another 24 hours of this crap? NO Luckily Dr. G called and I explained that this arrangement was less than satisfactory..and worked out a deal that if Gus' bili came down to an acceptable level, maybe we could go home on a bili-blanket. Gus' next test showed that his bilirubin was 18.5. Not quite low enough. We talked things over with the Dr. on staff . She agreed to re-test Gus' bili and see if things were coming down later that day. @ 5 pm we were told that we could go home. Oh Joy and rapture! HOME! I was laughing and crying at the same time. These hormones can be tricky. We waited until 9pm for the bili blanket guy to arrive...and we skee daddled. Upon arriving at our home.. I lost my cookies. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to feed Gus.. or even look at him. He was screaming his little head off.. and I sat pretty much naked in the bathroom bawling. What a miserable failure I was. Parker offered to finger feed Gus... so I could sleep, but I couldn't pump enough milk. For the first time in a week my body wouldn't make milk. The world's worst anxiety attack followed suit. What a hideous affair. I reluctantly fed Gus. He is so frikkin' awesome. If I were him I would have bitten my nipple hard... but he didn't. He drank slowly and calmly as I cried softly, while surrounded by my poor mom and my frazzled husband. Again my support network is amazing. Convinced I was in the throws of PPD. I crawled into bed.. and sweated the night away... along with feeding my baby boy. Things got better. Gus got better. His bilirubin tested 15 the next day.. and then down to 14 as of Friday night. It's been a long week. I am tired, but not "beaten." I know I can do this.. As long as I have my family with me to remind me that I am only human.. . and I'm doing the best I can.

Hospital couture.

This is the last belly shot we have on January 31st. Notice my hot knee high medical grade stockings. These suckers were tight as a mother to help with the swelling in my legs. As relaxed as I look in this picture, I was absolutely terrified, but hoped to lighten the mood. I loved being pregnant, and I was actually very sad in in this moment, knowing I would only have a few more hours of my round belly and that constant kicking.

37 weeks, Can you tell?

OH MY GOD. Look at my face!AHHH Can you tell the novelty has worn off? Can you tell that the pain in my legs is so excruciating that I have forced myself to smile at all? Can you see my 3 chins and extra cheeks? Can you tell that I simply need to sleep? ( I was awake last night from 3am-6am.. and HIP joined us in the family bed @ 6:30am ... which woke me up for good) Can you tell that my children are fighting more than usual and I am trying so hard to not flip out. Can you tell I am just about done?

I hope you are answering "yes" to each one of these questions.

T-minus 10

1. I had my appointment with Dr. Landy this afternoon. It was chock full of info that's for sure. here's a list of what was discussed:
2. I still have group B strep. Antibiotics will be administered during the delivery. Great... just what I need. ( If you're a woman reading this... you'll understand what antibiotics do to a girl)
3. The swelling in my legs isn't just my imagination... it's there and it's severe. Dr. Landy seemed concerend about it.
4. I am spilling TONS of proteins. If I start getting headaches or start seeing spots ~things could change quickly.
5. I am scheduled for both a c-section and an induction on February 9th @ 1:00. I have a measurement sonogram this Thursday. If Tiny weighs over 4,000 grams it's a c-section for me.
6. I am terrified to have a c-section

My dreams of nursing and holding a goop covered baby immediately after birth are pretty much out the door and I am devastated...devastated. Tiny will most likely have to go to the NICU for a few days" to monitor his/her bloodsugars. "There goes my early breastfeeding education. 9. I am exhausted and sad. That's the problem with dreaming. I have been so lucky... it was bound to end. 10) I know that the goal is for Tiny to be born happy and healthy. I need to get over the birth details, and see the good in the fact that I was able to do this at all. 11. I am a " little bit" dialated. I'm glad these ass kicking contractions I have every 20 minutes or so are doing their job. ( grr.) ( I am annoyed with Blogger right now because my numbering system got all messed up and Blogger won't let me fix it. If I had any energy, I'd work on it longer.. but I don't .. so for now pretend that the numbers are ins a straight line and you understand what I am talking about.)

Now I know

I has become abundantly clear to me why I am so tired all day: I don't sleep at night. I can't get comfortable. When I DO sleep... I am dreaming about having the baby... which is exhausting. When I wake up ,I am annoyed because I am still pregnant. Hmmm. I get jealous of Parker... over there sleeping away... paying no mind. ( I'm not saying he should pay any mind when he's sleeping... I'm just saying... he's asleep!) I wonder if my body is just getting ready for being nocturnal? I went to sleep @ 3am... and woke up at 7:30. I peed @ 4:30,5:10,6:35, & 7:30. Just getting back into bed is exhausing. My bladder sure is getting a workout.
Parker's Parent's came to our house for 6 hours yesterday. I don't usually count the hours of their visits... it's just that this time they showed up at 4pm.. and had to leave by 10. They live 3 hours away! We couldn't talk them into staying the night. The reason for thier visit was so they could watch the kids while Parker and I went out to a nice dinner. Parker and I went to Houston's. For the first time in 10 years of eating at Houston's, I ate the prime rib. I gotta tell ya, it was worth the hour wait... cause for a former veggie burger turned temporary carnivore~ the prime rib was darn tasty( if I didn't think about the fact that I was eating cow muscle.) I obviously couldn't finish the entire meal... but Parker did his best to try and help me. :) The dinner was nice.I think we finally decided on a boy's name. Which eases my mind a little. We had a long talk about circumcision and our differing feelings. I'm still a little worried about the circumcision debate. Parker read that 1 in 10 men who aren't circumcised end up getting circumcised as an adult. Our pediatrician said that he sees more children who aren't circumcised with urinary tract infections, and other skin infections that are painful and require antibiotics. Parker researched that men with foreskins are the only people who get cancer of the penis. Parker said : as a person who has a penis, he can't imagine having to get circumcised. Having it done as an infant is really the only humane thing he can think of. I listened to his reasons. I listened to our pediatrician. I respect the Judaism side of circumcision. I still have clear reservations. I also have respect for my husband and our pediatrician. IF we do decide to circumcise, I will be very sad. It's not the pain aspect of the procedure. ( remember my kids had 8 surgeries collectively...I watched my kids suffer so they could survive. I never got upset when they cried w/ vaccines... etc... I know that these things are neccessary, and that the pain subsides. I have been poked and prodded from the age of 2 with no complaints, and I know that these things not only helped me survive, they made me stronger.) My main issue: if men weren't supposed to have foreskins they wouldn't be born with them. That's it. Ohh clearly I am still torn. Hopefully we can come to a decision without things getting heated.

Now, if I could only drain my ankles ( which are 5 times their usual size) and find a comfortable position to sit/lie in I'd be golden. Ohh Tiny... are you ready yet?????

I think she's starting to forgive me.

After a week of antibiotics and pain killers, It is clear that Miss Ruby Jones ( our bulldog who was named after the coolest security guard at the Corcoran when I was in Art School) seems to not only feel better, she actually LIKES being around us!

As a little treat ( I think more for me than for her) I took Ruby Jones to the groomer for an all around " day at the spa." Something needed to be done about the stink, seriously. Ruby signed up for: a mani-pedi/ear wax removal/and all over body massage.( bath) She even opted for a style change. ( see bow in photo) ( we talked about the bow on the ride home from the spa, and she made it abundantly clear that it was a mistake and she preferred to look more " bad ass" than "pretty". ( although imagining her dancing around the kitchen singing " I feel pretty" is something that did make me giggle a little) I followed her lead and removed the bow. ( only after I took many incriminating photos of her... for when we haze her @ her wedding or something. :) ) In true dog fashion, when we got home, Ruby Jones rubbed her little meatloaf self all over the furniture, rolled all over the rug, and barked at her butt. ( again, she is a little portly and she can't itch her own butt.. so she opts to bark at it instead)
Anyways, I am happy to report that Ruby Jones must be the toughest dog to have ever lived. Her test results for Lymes came back. When a dog has a "high postive" result for Lyme's, the number is 37. Ruby Jones rang in @ 171! AGGGAHHH! Poor lil' chicken and dumplins. The vet said that we will have to run a longer course of antibiotics, but she should be fine, and no I'm not going to doggie owner jail, she didn't give us any indication that she wasn't feeling well... okayyyy... I know she pee'd on the carpet for 5 months... but she didn't give us any PHYSICAL indicators! Ohh please don't make my guilt-o-meter go off the charts, I have enough hormones raging right now.

yawnnn

I am beat down. I have a bpp in an hour and I cannot imagine driving myself to Georgetown at this point. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired.
I just had to put that out there.

maybe just maybe

Maybe just maybe it's hormones.
Maybe just maybe it's exhaustion.
Maybe just maybe the pain from my swollen legs/feet is making me a little "short" with everyone.

Maybe just maybe my child is going through some sort of life changing event... and thinks she can control the universe with her glass shattering screaming.

Maybe just maybe I need to lock myself in my bedroom and just let things "go" for a little while.
Maybe just maybe I've played referee too much today.
Maybe just maybe I'm embarassed because of my children's behavior at the pediatrician's office today.
Maybe just maybe I've fallen for :" can you open this, I promise I'll eat it." too many times
Maybe just maybe I'm sick of the competition and sneaky behavior.
Maybe just maybe I'm tired of always disciplining.
Maybe just maybe Tiny will be a good baby.
Ha. Maybe just maybe I live in a dream world.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

I'm itchy! The skin on my stomach is shiney and soooo itchy... it's driving me crazy. I tried putting a nice mild cream ( given to me by the lady who does my facials... and oh yeah.. I have to get facials or I look like a 14 year old boy my skin sucks so much) on it to soothe the burning/itching... but even this mild cream made it burn and itch more. I can only hope that at this point that this is all coming to an end in the near future... in hopes to actually have this baby. Listen to me... it's like I'm 2 weeks overdue. HA. I'm such a wuss. My legs have swelled up to the size of elephant ankles once again... they look H-O-T. ( but feel awful) Also a new development: When I have contractions ( which are kinda often.. but untimable) I am unable to breathe. It feels like everytime I contract... someone knocks the wind out of me. I'ts kinda weird, I must say. I wonder: how am I supposed to breathe through the pain of labor... if I can't catch my breath? I had my BPP/OB visit ( with random OB) today. I haven't gained any weight in the last 2 weeks. ( which is a miracle... since I'm pretty much full of fluid) My belly measures 38 weeks/cm.This is consistent with the growth over the last few visits... always a week ahead. I have signed up with a parent from the kids' school who is training to become a post partum doula. I am looking forward to getting to know her better since I will be flinging my boobies out at her every chance I get... due to my fear that I am going to be awful at breastfeeding. I'm sure she will be helpful... or at least I hope she's helpful. I am also a little tired of the 'rhoids. There~ I said it. I'm not going any further... neither should you. I am glad I am still pregnant though. Dr. L returns to the office on Monday. I hopefully will be able to talk her into inducing me. Not that I want to be induced... I WANT to avoid a section if I can. Hopefully the fact that I am not gaining a lot of weight means that Tiny's growth has slowed down a little too. Funny story: I was getting my BPP today and the one sonogram technician , Gloria( who I LOVE) was talking to me about the size of Tiny etc. Gloria: " How big is that baby of your's?" Me: " 2 weeks ago it weighed 7lbs 6 oz. It's huge, and it need to get out!" Gloria: " Honeychild( this is where I have to bite the inside of my cheek to not laugh or channel Brenda from that show "2-2-7") you think that's big... look at this baby. (Gloria went on to show me a hosptial photograph of a baby who weighed 11lbs 3 oz at birth.) We call him ' the Moose.' " I gotta tell ya... I got a little queasy when I saw that. 11 pounds?? YOY !( crossing legs as tightly as I can right now) I will tell you.. .I hope to find something else to focus on very soon. It seems that my pregnancy and my kids. is all I have to talk about. Yawnnnn. I remember the days of politcs and prose... dinner in Dupont Circle... and an occasional show @ either the Black Cat or the Old 9:30 club . Those were the days. Now all I can think about is: my fetus/ my kids/ what's for dinner/ and how much longer until I can go to bed. The kids have some idea that we're gonna pop a tent in their bedroom tonight for them to go camping. Hey as long as they sleep... I'll let them camp every night. I'll let you know how it goes.

What time do I have to leave??

Today's doctor's appointment: Dr. Ratner. Time of appointment: 8:45am. I left the house @ 7:25am. I arrived in Eastern Market @ 9:30. Yes people... that is just under 2 hours of travel time. 270 was a parking lot. The GW parkway was S-T-O-P-P-E-D. Independance Ave was slowwwwwww. I'm glad I wasn't in labor. That would have been a little rough. I'll tell you why all of this traffic was happening after I fill you in on my appointment. BP was good:110/65. Bloodsugar was good:116. I didn't gain any weight this week. Swelling is back in my legs/feet... but not too much of a concern. My bloodsugars have been a little on the low side for the last couple of days. Dr. Ratner said that's how he can tell I'm going to have this baby in the next week or so. Apparently at the very end of a pregnancy a diabetic woman's bloodsugars will drop in preparation of the birth. He said lower bloodsugars are pretty standard for a delivery that is right around the corner. Okie dokie. I'm ready. Bring it. After my nice visit with Dr. R. I drove up toward the Capitol building and down to PA ave. Where I see all the cops. Since I have lived in the D.C. area for about 11 years now, I know the drill: cops in large #'s usually= motorcade. Nope... today ~cops in large #'s = pro-life rally. I am a woman who believes everyone has an opinion. Even if I don't agree with "your" opinion, I still value that for some reason "you" have deduced that "your" opinion matters to "you" and that should count for something. I HOPE that "you" feel the same way about me. Here's what pissed me off~ IF you pro-lifers are so compassionate and looking out for the lives of unborn babies.... and hoping to save the world: PLEASE don't bring 10'X10' images of aborted fetuses and nail them up on the side of government buildings while you march around holding "your" 10 year old's hand... exposing them to HATE ( when " you" must be confused with love) & grotesque images. I almost puked all over the f-in' dashboard when I saw one of the pictures.I mena it's really TOO MUCH. It's tactics like this that make me wonder why the Christian "right" feels that stuff like this is " okay." It put a bad taste in my mouth all day. Not only that.. I prolly had to sit in 2 hours worth of traffic this morning because all these s*#!heads clogged up my streets. GRR. If you have plans on visiting D.C. for some grotesque political statement... I will hear "your" voice... but I will loathe "your" actions. I mean really, what happened to World Peace? I drove back to the 'burbs where people are too passive to actually stand up for their views ( unless protected by government buildings and 4,000 cops) and went to Millie and Holden's parent /teacher conferences. I was pleased to hear that both kids are doing great at school. Both are learning on their own curves and are progressing along at their own speed. I am a little frustrated because HIP is learning math on a 1st grade level.. .&Millie is having a tough time with writing letters. Now the beauty of Montessori is that both kids will succeed regardless . Both will learn things as they are ready. I couldn't ask for any more. The issue: When the kids come home: they bicker and argue because they have learned different things.. and they each think that their thing is more important... which in turns brings out the competition. I was glad to learn that HIP does actually know how to clean up after himself !( something he does NOT do here without a LOT of stern encouragement ( wink)) Millie( as hard as this is for me to believe) does NOT make the other children in school cry. HUH! Who knew? The teachers were all very complementary of our kids. SHEW! You mean, we are actually doing an "okay" job? There's hope yet! As for tomorrow, I have an appointment w/ one of the OB's at Georgetown and my BPP. As for right now: I'm gonna go get comfy. ( if I can find that sweet spot on the couch... where my ribcage doesn't actually snap when I sit down.)

36 weeks

1. 
   We're cooking along here at 36 weeks and here are a few things about the 3rd trimester I have noticed.

1) I am extremely tired pretty much all day long.

2) Tiny definitely has awake/asleep cycles throughout the day. These times of the day are not convienient to my current schedule ( ie: 4 am seems to be a busy part of Tiny's day)

3) My husband is crankier than ever.

4) I am just not hungry for anything other than chocolate pudding.

5) I all of a sudden LOVE (fruit punch) Gatorade.

6) I can smell everything. Especially if it smells bad.

7) I think it's funny when Tiny gets the hiccups, but I wish they didn't last so long... it feels weird.

8) I will be very sad when I'm not pregnant anymore. This was my dream come true. I am so lucky.

9) I'm not quite sure how I'm gonna juggle Millie, Holden, and Tiny all at the same time. I know my skills will develop in time, but still I have that fear of the unknown.

10 ) I have this fear that Tiny looks like a catfish.

(This one goes to:) 11) I'd do this again in a heartbeat.

12) my pet peeves are: when I drop something and have to bend over to pick it up & putting on underwear and socks. ( I always seem to tip over)

Save a seat for me in Hell.

Okay okay. I deserve any " I told you so's." I deserve, " you are a big meanie" ... And I deserve the river of dog pee on the rugs that has been left for me in the past 4 months.

The dog I had sworn to never like again ( after she saturated every single square inch of carpet in our guest room ) has: a "MASSIVE" urinary tract infection and lyme's disease. Poor Ruby Jones. I am awful. She woke up yesterday unable to walk ( joint pain from lyme's) and had peed 3 times in the kids room overnight. I was getting ready to put her outside with a sign around her neck that said " free dog... Take her~ and we'll pay you."

After a day on meds ( a couple hundred bucks worth... Serves me right) she seems to actually have a little spring in her step. She didn't run from me when I asked her to go outside and go pee... And this morning she gave me her paw.( the sore one)

We still need to get the carpets cleaned ( obviously)... But now we know this isn't behavioral... SHE'S SICK. **big sigh** I thought the vet was gone call doggie social services on me.
I am however, making a "spa date" for Ruby Jones so she can get a bath, get her ears cleared out... And the folds in her face de-stained. I'm not so sure how she's gone handle all that attention. People who know her know that she has a touch of the anxiety in new environments. I hope she does fine and rather enjoys her special day of attention and cleansing. She deserves it. She's been putting up with my screaming and carrying on for months now.

Today's game: Re-program children to call Ruby Jones by her name... Not ," you stinky, smelly dog."

Sizin' up

I had my Friday morning BPP today and all was well. Tiny was in there kickin' it old school and actually stayed awake for the whole test. Whew! That's a first. Just to paint a little picture for you: a BPP involves; a fetal heart monitor, a contraction monitor ( both for 20 minutes to a half an hour) and a sonogram to measure movements and the amniotic fluid index. Normal amniotic fluid measures 8-24 cm. Today mine was 12 cm. It is common to be one of 4 women getting a BPP in the same room at the same time. Most of the women are expecting multiples.. .except for me. ;) ( I already took that route( kinda) and I'm cool with a singleton who is being closely watched) Today there was a chatty Cathy ( which is saying a lot for me.. .those of you who know me know that I can talk it up with the best of them) This particular chatterbox girl is expecting boy/girl twins ( first kid(s)) She was very sweet really. She had a lot of questions about life with twins. She wanted to know if I breastfed, when/if I separated them when sleeping/feeding... the works. I tried to keep my composure and not scream " WHEN THEY TURN 4 RUN AWAY!" I wanted to be honest and tell her that someone is gonna start some drama.. and you don't want no drama... but I felt it was nicer for me to let this woman work up to that phase. ( the phase where we play the game " I want the orange marker and just because you have it and I want it.. I'll draw all over the kitchen cabinets with a red marker in protest... and scream "I'm not going to time out!") Ahhh yes a set of 4 year olds.... again I will exhaust this point: TWINS ARE HARD WORK.. anyone who wishes for twins better have a lot of patience. I spent a little time with my friend Amanda after the BPP. Her 3 week old daughter ( name withheld ) is just about the same size as Tiny. I was holding said baby up to my belly sizing her up, trying to imagine pushing something her size out of my coot. Said babe is about 7lbs 14 oz currently. She seemed so small to me. I keep imagining a huge Millie sized baby coming out of me... but said baby's size seemed reasonable. Amanda is doing the mommy thing just perfectly... all with ease. Said babe is absolutely perfect in every way. I hope we are as lucky. I had a dream last night that Tiny was born and it was a boy. I cried and cried because Parker and I haven't decided on a boy's name 100% and I was sad because we HAVE decided on a girl's name. I also was sad in the dream because I didn't want to circumcise. Apparently we have a lot of issues to talk over before the " main event." I should probably get them all settled in for bed. Tiny has the hiccups... I have heartburn.. Millie is hacking up a lung.. Holden is jumping on the couch... and Parker is asleep on the couch. Ahhhh life is so glamorous over here.

The "Scary Doctor."

I had my weekly OB appointment with another one of the doctors in the practice today. I will refer to her as the "scary doctor."

A few weeks ago I spoke with Dr. L's head nurse about my concerns with a doctor other than Dr. L delivering Tiny. Meredith ( nurse) suggested that if I needed to be induced when Dr. L was away she would look @ the schedule and arrange for me to have someone "cool" deliver Tiny. She made mention of a particular doctor and said that she preferred that " Mean Doctor" didn't do the delivery due to her "cold bedside manner." I have been a little freaked out since that conversation... ( because you know I need nice people around me at all times or I cry) but know that I have no control over the matter... so I need to suck it up. Well, today I had an appointment with "mean Doctor" and she was fine. I mean, I didn't want to hug her or anything, but I didn't leave feeling neglected, sad, or scared. So I feel loads better having at least met her... just in case she ends up performing a c-section on me.

All went well at the doctor's visit medically. Tiny has a nice steady heartbeat ( about 140 beats per minute) and has " great breathing movements." My belly measures 37 cm. I will be 36 weeks tomorrow. " Mean ( I mean "Nice")Doctor" said that my measurements are just fine. I actually lost 5 lbs in a week. I will say the weight loss can be attributed to me losing all the swelling/fluid in my legs. My ankles are back baby! Shoes fit! I can actually wear socks ( if someone helps me put them on.. because I always fall over trying to put on socks by myself. Let me tell you.. it ain't pretty)

I am starting to freak out a little about the delivery again. I'm not sure what my pain threshhold really is. I always prided my ability to just deal with pain... but if my labor goes on and on... how much will I be able to handle? As some of you know, Parker has a tendancy to 'worry' a bit when he's not in control. I am scared that I will be a big meanie and he will get frustrated with me and the experience will suck the big one. I keep telling myself... " this is Parker's delivery too.. don't ruin it for him." I know all this worrying is normal... so I will just wait until those moments arise, and know that it will pass.

Millie and Holden are in the other just chillin' out. I think I'll go join in on the fun.