I have got to be dreaming

MMMMMM???

2008-08-18T06:04:00.000-07:00

Gus has a severe sweet tooth. If the child could eat sweets all day he would be one happy little dude. M&H like sweets too, but they will grab a piece of fruit or some carrots more often than not.
I can get Gus to eat well rounded meals, but if there is mention of anything not healthy~ he's done. This will be a short sweet( no pun intended) post about the chocolate G found last night. The hubs and I were sitting watching the olympics last night. We were in a heated debate about women's gymnastics. P hates it. I love it. I was a competitive gymnast until I was 14, and I loved it.( most of the time) P has issues with the judges and the politics behind the scores. ANYHOO, G walks in with something in his hand and says, " Daddy, dis chocolate is yucky." P takes it and evaluates what could be so bad about a piece of chocolate. His face twists up and he says," That's because this isn't chocolate, Buddy." I shot a look over to him as he holds up what is a log of dog poo. ( My guess is Devo left us a litte "gift" because we went on a boat ride for 3 hours and left him behind.) P goes," There are teeth marks in this !" I think he then threw up a little in his mouth. We quickly washed Gus' hands and wiped out his mouth. His breath didn't smell like poo, but we were in a panic state . I asked M&H what happened. They just looked at me and said " he didn't eat it" and continued watching Mr Bean. ( for a guy who says so little, he sure can make all of us laugh) We are still wondering if he did eat some, or just the smell was enough to categorize it as " yucky." He's fine this morning, happy and hungry.

End of a Chapter

2008-08-09T23:06:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, G is a Boob Man. Kid LOVES boobies. He likes to look at boobs, touch boobs, talk about boobs, but mainly, he loves to " taste" my boobs. I have been "trying" ( half heartedly, if not at all) to wean him for over a year. The only reason being.. I had to get back on some meds. Other than that I was happy to let him drink away.

About 3 weeks ago I started having chest pains. Nothing too bad, but persistent. A dull pain on the left side of my chest along with some pain in my back and shoulder, and some tightening. I let it go on for 48 hours and finally wrote my doctor an e-mail. His response to my e-mail was:
"GO TO THE ER RIGHT NOW!" Apparently I am a prime candidate for a heart attack. A diabetic woman with high cholestoral... who hasn't taken her meds for over 3 years. After a quick and painless visit to the ER in my beach town, it was decided that my heart is a-okay, and I have "Gastro-esophogeal reflux disease." Weird,but the Zantac removed the chest pain. So that's cool, right? All of this posed a real problem. This problem : I had to wean Gus. Better for him to have a healthy Mother, than to be able to nurse on demand at 2 1/2. This was seemingly impossible.
I sent the kids to my Parents' place for a week. That did the trick. It was hard on everyone. I was devastated. Gus was confused. My Mom was exhausted. After 7 days, Gus was all done. When he returned home, he tried every once and awhile to nurse. To fall asleep he had to
" Hold it." Holding it quickly turned into " I need ta put my eye on it." Then " I need ta put my chin on it." That quickly turned into a desperate attempt to latch on as I blocked his mouth from contact with my nip. It was frustrating to say the least, but he got the idea. One day, he was a walking zombie. Crying " I need to suck your boobs mommyyyyyyyyy" Believe me, my first response was to swoop him up and let him suck on my boobs. My gut knew that we had come so far, and falling off the wagon would just start this agony all over again. I found a pacifier. He wanted nothing to do with it. Like the wonderful and healthy mom I am, I dipped that thing in pudding and asked him just to try it. He took the bait. A look came across his face...he remembered how wonderful it was to suck. He sighed, and put his head on my shoulder,and hummed. I felt awful. How could I give him a " Dummy tit" as my British friends call it. Well let me tell you, the dummy works wonders. He uses it when it is time for bed. He has started loving story time. When he nursed, he would kick books away. Now, he says," Mommy, 3 more stories?" When I read him a few books, and quietly lay next to him, he wraps himself around me, just like he used to when he nursed, and peacefully falls asleep. Gus also is open to trying new foods and drinks. It's funny how the thing that was so perfect to us in so many ways, may have held him back from enjoying some of the good things in life. I cannot complain about our run with nursing. I loved every bit of it ( after that awful first few weeks) I am still so sad we stopped, but I know it's for the better. ( I guess) I think that I need to get used to the idea that we have weaned too.
Gus has now become somewhat of a boob inspector these days. He asks people if they have boobs in their shirts. He asks people if they want to nurse his boobs. He also is always aware of where exactly my boobs are at all times. He explains to people that ," Mommy's boobs are over dere. I can't dwink mommy's boobs, dey're empty." Rips my heart out every time. We'll get to the point that we need to stop using a pacifier, obviously. For now, we will know that he can fall asleep on his own.

The good news is: Since I am all finished nursing, I gave myself a gift of my "Gus tattoo". It is a beautiful rendition of Robert Lawson's young Ferdinand the Bull sniffing a flower in a meadow. My Gussy is a lover, not a fighter after all. He is very proud of his tattoo, as he shows people the tat proudly telling them that it is HIS tattoo, and while they are looking " these are Mommy's boobs" ( pointing to what used to be vuluptuous mammories, but are more like pancakes these days) Awkward.:)

Were you born an asshole???

2008-07-01T00:24:00.001-07:00

There's this Jimmy Buffett song( I'll admit that I have listened to a few Jimmy Buffett songs in my life. I'm not going to lie that his voice is soothing to me in the summertime) called" Were you born an asshole?" The refrain is : " Were you born an asshole? Or did you work at it your whole life?" The point of the song is that this jerk cut Jimmy Buffett off on the highway, and instead of getting mad at the time and taking it out on the driver, he wrote a song about the dude instead. I am here in Bloggerland to do the same thing.

I am one of the lucky few to be able to summer at the beach. My husband is awesome enough to work his ass off during the week and come down on the weekends to see his family. He has only seen the kids 3 times this summer. He tells me he is getting a lot done at home. I secretly think he loves his chaos free life. The problem with living in a beach town is that you deal with well... not to sound too pretentious, but you have to deal with the tourists. My kids and I live here. That means that we have routines. That means that we ride bikes not to sightsee, but to excersize. That means we eat baked salmon, wild rice, fresh greens, and locally picked nectarines at our house for dinner, not chicken nuggets and fries with applesauce at the local crab house. We have a membership to the waterpark and walk in with pride that we have different armbands than everyone else, and the employees recognize us. Yes, this does sound pretentious.BUT I know that we are lucky. I don't expect to be able to do this... it is a priveledge. My parents let us use their house rent free. I know we are lucky. We are loving every second of it.

Here's what happened to us today that I will immortalize and spread all over the internet.

Picture it: It's 8 pm on a breezy beach evening. The kids have eaten dinner. The kitchen is clean. The dog has eaten. We have a little time to kill so we decide to go outside and ride bikes. the neighbor's kids were riding bikes. 6 total. ( between two houses) + My 3. MSP and HIP were riding all over the place being careful to watch for cars and people. G was riding around on a little truck thing that he sits on and pushes with his feet. The adults were standing on the road chit chatting and the kids were all over the place. We have a big neon " children at play " sign that we put in the road to call attention to the kids. The street is quiet. Maybe 20 cars drive past a day. SO. There we were minding our own.. when this Lexus pulls up. The Blonde middle aged and WAY overdressed woman proceeds to HONK HER HORN AT G!!!!!!!!! SHE HONKED HER HORN AT A BABY ON A PLASTIC RIDE ON TOY!!!!!!!!!! I got all up in the side of her car and screamed " Did you really just honk your horn at my BABY!!!" and gave her the almost finger( you know when you still have your fingers open but your middle finger is up just a little higher?) Instead of being apologetic she raised her arms and shoulders as if she were the victim. WELL overdressed lady in a Lexus from PA( I would post her license plate # but I'd have panic attacks that someone would try to whack her in revenge) You are forever known as" the bitch who honked her horn at my baby." I hope you are proud of yourself. You suck the big one. You are lucky I didn't put a big steamin' pile of dog shit in a plastic bag on your porch and light it on fire. That's what you really deserve. Or better yet, me in my car on your driveway at 3 am honking my horn while you try to sleep. Or everytime she drives by I put G in the road and make her sit there and wait for him to ride around all over the place in front of her car. Tonight I will dream of all the possible scenarios. I know where you live lady from PA. If I were you I wouldn't honk your horn at my kid(s) again.. or I will post a photo of you in your car right here on the lovely internet.

Good Lord! The baby turned 2!?

2008-02-15T07:17:00.000-08:00

Yep... 15 days ago our little Angus turned 2 years old. This shocks me. Just like my parents always said " It was like you were born yesteday."The 2 year old baby is making us laugh and laugh every day with his hilarious antics and requests. He is a very verbal litle dude who knows exactly what he needs and wants. Mainly : boobies. As I have stated multiple times in the past, I have attempted to wean him, but, no dice. He is a boob man through and through. For awhile there he nursed 3 times a day ( and twice at night). A nasty bout with croup... a 105 degree fever for 4 days, and no desire to eat or drink.. mounted us back on the bandwagon to his usual 10 times a day. As he became more verbal, his requests of " I see boob?" "I touch boob?" & " I nuss?" were his main vocabulary. Now we have graduated to " I a motoboatin' son'bitch" as he blows zerberts inbetween my boobs. ( Thanks Parker.. that's a gem) Gus attends his little Montessori toddler community 2 days a week. He loves it. He plays with the animals, feeds the turtles, paints, reads, brushes the really big teeth with a giant toothbrush, bakes muffins, washes windows and dishes, washes his hands, sits at the family table... you know, Montessori stuff that his mother doesn't teach him at home. We love it. He takes a "gymnastics" class on Wednesdays. This is where I chase him around and the other mothers wonder why I don't keep him with the rest of the group. Sorry, I follow my child on every level. :) Please, do you really think he's the next Mitch Gaylord? Gus has some kickin' dance moves... which involve a lot of elbow movement. His new favorite music is that of the Moldy Peaches and the Velvet Underground. He makes my completely stressed out husband smile from ear to ear. His most favorite food ( besides chocolate) is sheets of toasted nori. He eats it like he's eating a bowl of potato chips. Now, the thing that I am a little bummed about is: he has become a TV junkie. It seems that the big kids have taught him how to turn on the TV. I find him all stoned and smiley sitting in front of Wow Wow Wubzy at least once a day. One day I asked him to turn it off and he said " no!go'way Get in garbage!!" My son, my flesh and blood, likened me to nothing more than trash! So there ya go. The last 2 years are a blurr. I can't wait to see what he does next. Happy belated birthday little one. You are a rock star.

Just your typical breakfast menu of Wafles, and a side of sibling rivalry.

2007-11-30T05:48:00.000-08:00

Millie: " Holden pretend we're a prince and princess and you're gonna save me."

Holden:" No Millie, I don't want to play that."

Millie: ( slumps down in her chair and shoots a look of death at Holden)

Holden:" MOM! Millie just said that if I don't play with her she won't get me a transformer!!!"

Me: " Holden, no she didn't, she just sat there looking at you."

Millie:" Nu uh, I said that if he didn't play with me that I was going to buy him Make-up and make him wear it." ( purses lips together and raises eyebrows, trying not to laugh.)

Holden:" EWWWW NOOOOOO I will definitely not wear make up!!!

Millie/me:" BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (high five!) Yeah baby! Take that!"

Clean

2007-11-21T09:21:00.000-08:00

I just have to vent here. I have to tell you I am tired of cleaning. You know what I do every single day? I clean. I pick up toys and put them back. I wipe off tables, I pick up remotes in the bathroom? I clear off the driveway. I clean up shredded diapers and vacume ( thanks Devo) I sort through tall piles of catalogs and recycle. I clean the same exact way every other mom in the world cleans.... and you know what? It looks like I sit around on my ass all day. It doesn't matter how hard I try, this house looks like a bomb went off in it. I clean up one area, and while I head to another section of mess, the section I just finished cleaning, is messy again. Rules I make ( no food out of the kitchen) are broken and bold face lies are told. I fold laundry all day and all night... but there is still a pile of laundry always waiting to be put away or folded. I clean . Thats what I do. There are piles of papers the kids bring home from school that I'm not quite sure I should keep, but I feel bad throwing them away. So they sit on the kitchen counter cluttering up the place, laughing at me when I am teary and overwhelmed. I clean. What a waste of precious life.

I have been tossing around the idea of going to the Montessori Institute to get Montessori training for 0-3 year olds. One of the most important parts of Montessori is cleanliness and no clutter. Well, how the hell can I even get myself to get settled in enough in my own environment to teach cleanliness and clairity? Which brings me to my much overdue point:

I feel defeated. every single day I wake up defeated, knowing that no matter how hard I try, I will not accomplish one thing today. I will attempt to clean and straighten,only to turn around and it be trashed. I am generally a happy person who can usually see the brighter side of life. I'm realistic. I complain a lot, but I know I'm being a whiner.
For Chistmas this year I want a live in maid named Alice, 3 children who understand that I am trying to get things in order around here, and a purged basement that only has toys that the kids actually will use more than once a year. That's no too much to ask, is it?

If anyone wants some free toys aimed at 3-5 year olds.. let me know quick.. because I feel a HUGE purge swelling up.

Catch!

2007-11-17T07:20:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't posted in eons. Let's just say that the school year is kicking my ass. Here's a little update... in readers digest format.

Kids start back at school in ( obviously ) September. Since they are among the oldest kids in the class things are looking up. HIP has 2 new teachers. They are fun, beautiful ( on the inside and out) and very dedicated to their job and the children. MS continues on with her teachers from the year before. She finds a confidence she never knew she had. She is finally a " big kid" in the class and has jobs. Gus starts in his toddler community. He transitions well. Loves the teachers. Has fun playing with the kids and animals.
I enroll MS & HIP in Lacrosse ( monday afternoons)(Millie hates it and quits) and Gymnastics( tuesday afternoons)and Gus on Wednesday mornings. Gus' teacher congratulates me on my non-exhisting pregnancy. I...
Get a personal trainer. She declares," I'm gonna kick your ass." She wasn't kidding people. I almost throw up every time I meet with her. She tells me I need to lose 15 lbs and firm up my flabby ass. As much as I hate her.. I love her too. She cracks me up.
Millie becomes obsessed with Gymnastics. She declares that she isn't going to go to school anymore so she can go to gymnastics every day. Millie's teeth also start faling out left and right. She currently looks like Nanny McPhee.
Gus starts talking about pooping on the potty. He actually poops on the potty a couple of times.
Holden is still picking his nose and eating it. it makes me dry heave.
Millie is in Love with Corbin Bleu and tells everyone that he is her boyfriend.
Gus speaks.
Devo Howls at the moon
One of Holden's teachers is senselessly and horrifically murdered. her family and friends hold a celebration of life ceremony. I sit there wondering why ( along with everyone else) we are there. Why do these things happen to WONDERFUL people. There is a big gaping hole at the kids' school. Sometimes I feel like her spirit is at the school, smiling down on everyone, as she pats the kids on their heads when they accomplish their " big work."
I bleach my hair. ( ALL BY MYSELF) It isn't good. I get it fixed. It is better. Now I have roots galore and I wonder when I'll have time to go get it touched up.
Are you bored yet?

Ideal-vs-real

2007-11-16T05:43:00.000-08:00

I quite often think to myself, " why is this so hard???" I watch other people sit at tables in resturants with multiple children who are eating what is on their plates and speaking with their inside voices. Most of the time these said children are staring in disbelief at our table. I know, I know, These times will pass and we will look back and laugh. Well, I'm not sure about the laughing part. When we leave public places, most of the time Parker and I are arguing because we are so stressed out, and both of us are in a full body sweat. I have compiled a list about things in my life that I would like to change, but I know I can't at the moment.

Ideal:Children wake up pre-dressed for school and willing to eat what I put on the table for them.
real: Children take 45 minutes to get themselves ready for school , even when I am helping them. They eat a bowl of frosty coated sugar bombs because that's all we have time for.

ideal:My 21 month old would understand that I am trying to cut back on how many times a day he nurses.

real: as much as I adore nursing my boy, it is becoming a bit of an issue. He nurses wherever and whenever he wants. I can't walk up the steps without him dangling off of me while he scratches my boob out. My chest has cuts all over it. He nurses on one boob while he holds the other nip in place... and then switches. I don't care about nursing in public, or if people get a glimse of the nips, I'm just to the point where I want him to understand that even though he wants to nurse,I don't always agree... and it is my body too. I have him down to nap time and bedtime. So far so good... but it's only been 4 days.

ideal:My kitchen would automatically clean itself.

real. HA, yeah right.

ideal: the laundry fairy wouldn't be on permanent vacation

real: there is a pile of laundry that runs the length of the Andes from one end of the house to the other.

Ideal:My 6 month old puppy would only pee and poop outside. He would also only chew on his toys.

real: Devo is a 1,000mph sneak. He can run upstairs and take a shit and chew up a beloved babydoll faster than it takes to chase him up the stairs to spray him with the "bad doggie bottle." He IS only 6 months old. I need to cut him a break.

Ideal: the kids' schools would be about 20 minutes closer.

real: the kids' school is 30 minutes away without traffic.

Ideal: I could get to sleep at night.

real: I crash while I nurse Gus to bed @ 8:30. Wake up at 11. Clean the kitchen,feed the dogs, pack lunches, fold the 3 loads of laundry I didn't fold earlier in the day, feed the guinea pig, get the the kids to the bathroom, tuck everyone in, let the dogs out, take a shower, nurse crying baby, sneak away after an hour,let freezing dogs back in the house and "tuck them in",turn off every single light in the house and finally fall into bed at 4:30 am. Up at 7:15. I haven't gotten into bed before 4:30 in close to a month. I dream about sleeping and how easy it used to be.

Ideal: the toys would be alive and put themselves away at night.

real: well, if they are alive.. they stay up all night partying at their little toy keggers, and pass out wherever they fall. What a bunch of lushes. To think, I thought Polly Pocket had a little more self respect.

Ideal: Gus' school would stay open and in it's current location.
Real: Gus' school is temporarily closing and moving to a new location. The new location is simply too far away. I'm not sure I can handle the change. I LOVE his little school, his teachers, the kids in the program, all of the little animals( frogs, hampsters,birds, turtles, a bearded dragon, and a dog) Gus can hold and love, and so much more. I just don't think I want to add more stress to our lives. I am considering moving Gussy to a new school that has a 2 year old Montessori program. This is the school that took over MS & HIP's old nursery school... so there are teachers that I know and LOVE . They knew Gus when he was "Tiny" in my belly.I would feel good about sending him to the new school... I'm just really bad at telling people that the new changes aren't going to be good for our family's best interest. I'll miss Gus' little Toddler community.

Ideal: Thanksgiving would take place at our house.
real: THAT WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER, HAPPEN.

The list goes on and on, but that's just me being a perfectionist. and whiney . I think I need a nap.

Holden's phrase of the day:

2007-10-01T06:15:00.000-07:00

When Millie and Holden were getting ready to get in the car this morning, Holden was trying to tell me something. Millie kept interrupting. Holden said ," Millie stop ruding me!!!"

I couldn't stop laughing. What a way with words.

D-word

2007-07-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

That's right friends... it is time for Parker and Me to go on a big fat life changing, size changing diet. Millie said to me today: " Mom, when you sit like that, you look like you have a baby in your tummy." WHAAAAAA???? HolyCRAP! I do? Is it that bad? I know I've gained some weight, but to look pregnant WHEN I AM NOT is a bad thing. One of Parker's clients told him that he was bigger than he was the last time he saw him. I mean seriously, who says that? So I am going to have to get my act together and start eating better. Maybe ice cream all the time is a bad thing? Maybe I am ravenous because I am still nursing G. Maybe it's the side effect of one of the meds I am on. I haven't battled my weight since MS & HIP were born... if anything I worried that I was too thin at times.. but to look pg when I am not is clearly an eye opener to a healthier lifestyle. Now that I take special notice I need help with my gut,arms,legs, and large ass. Problem is: I don't seem to have the time. I know I should get up earlier... walk/run/ eat a sensible breakfast ( one that doesn't involve chocolate pudding perhaps?) have healthy meals and snacks ( that don't involve cheese and dried spiced meats) I think I can do this without going on a diet per se... maybe a lifestyle change? I hate this. I never sit down. I never relax... there's gotta be perks to that. I guess not. Anyone know a free personal trainer?

Quarantine

2007-07-26T06:09:00.000-07:00

Someone slap a big "S" on our front door... HIP has strep throat and Scarlet fever. Scarlet Fever you say? Yes Scarlet Fever. Seems that after a weekend of swimming and reunioning with my family, Holden abruptly developed a sore throat and a high ever. 2 Days later, HIP's face was swollen and very red. I didn't notice the tell-tale " white mustache" under his nose that is a dead give away. Luckily it's not 1900...and we have antibiotics to help prevent HIP from deafness,blindness, and death. Parker said, "Scarlet Fever made Helen Keller go deaf and blind." Way to jump to the worst case scenario, Pal. Always looking at the bright side of life. ;) .
Anyways, I'm just sending a shout out that if you need to come over to opur place, call before you come over, or you'll be sorry.

summertime

2007-07-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

Welp, it's been a busy summer so far. Not unlike most summers of course. Remember when summertime was boring? Remember when you would wake up, wander to the kitchen for some breakfast of english muffins and jam, finish up and head to the couch for some good down home cartoon watchin? After the complete boredom became painful, you headed to your room and slipped into your bathing suit and off to the pool you went with your mom, sister, and cousins for an entire day of crazy dives off the diving board, and endless games of marco polo. Well, if you're anything like me, you grew up and had kids. Woosh! There went the boredom ... right out the window... headed straight to the little kid down the street. Oh man... why did my boredom have to leave me? This summer has been a little different than most for a couple of reasons. 1) Ms & HIP are almost 6... when they are out of sight, it's not quite as urgent. 2) Since my sis graduated from grad school, and she isn't starting her job until the fall, she suggested heading to the beach for the summer. Hmmm,let's think. Stay at my parents place where the groceries and meals are paid for, the rent is cheap ( hugs and kisses for Beanie and Papa whenever they ask) and a village of help from my family. Let's think... tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.. ding! Sure I'm there. Does it have to end in August? Can we extend the stay until let's say, FOREVER? I'm so spoiled rotten at this point, I may even have to ask if it's possible. Summering at the beach for more than a week is different than I thought. It's like being home, but with a view and a lot more to do. Nap schedules still apply. Nightime routines are as important.. even if it is pushed back an hour or 2. Here's where it gets tough:Gus. Gus is a little difficult these days. First off: he can talk. So when he wants something he says it for an hour... even if he gets it when he first asks. A perfect example of this is nursing on demand. GOOD LORD . " Mommy, boob? Boob Mommy? Mom, boob.... Ame? da boob? Amyyyyyy, boob? Mommy? Mommy? Mommeeeeeeeeheeeeeewaaaaaaaaboobmommy? It's exhausting. No shirt stays on. No turtleneck is high or tight enough for him to gain access to my tired nipples. I am not complaining .. really I'm not. I LOVE nursing him. It is our special time. I love to watch him latched on and gulping happily while he kicks me in the chin and giggles. He sings, talks and does all kinds of yoga moves while he is nursing. The biggest problem now is that I'm the only one who gets to give him this kind of happiness. I know his daddy would love to have a go at bringing him unprecedented bliss... but alas, Dady's nips don't hold the golden ticket. Gus' nursing has become a little bit of a problem. I am the only one who can get him into bed... and after a full day ( starting sometimes @ 6:30 ish) by the time it is bedtime... I am pooped. Somewhere along the lines, I developed narcolepsy . Last night, I fell asleep when I was talking on the phone with my mom! I haven't slept a full night in a big girl bed in 9 months. I haven't hung out with my hubs for what seems like years because I fall asleep nursing and wake up @ 1am dazed and confused abotu where the night went. Sadly... I think the only way to solve this problem is to wean. Gus certainly does not want to wean, that's fer sure... but when I commited to attachment parenting.... I never ever ever thought I would detatch from the rest of my family and life. Gus has become the center of my universe based on 2 things: My boobs. This isn't healthy. I want to get my life back. Maybe watch a TV show? Go out to a bar and listen to music? Sit down and not fall asleep? Drive without having to blast the air conditioner and the music ( good thing I have that Clutch CD..... you know who you are!) so I don't fall asleep at the wheel. I don't even know how to begin this process. I know it will be hard, but it has to be done. I'll let you know how it goes.

grrrrr woof woof

2007-06-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

We are happy to announce that our little pup arrived last week. He is happy and healthy and from what we can tell... colicky.

Chatterbox

2007-06-09T06:30:00.000-07:00

Since I have slacked off entirely on the blogging gig...I thought I'd jump back in and update everyone on our baby man.( like the good ol' days) Our little Gus is quite a chatterbox. I have to say the only time he is quiet is when he is sleeping. His current vocabulary consists of:Mom, ( me) Mama,( people in general)Dada,Mi-ie( Millie) Huh( Holden) Boo Boo ( Ruby Jones) All done ( holding his hands palms up) un, doo, eeeee! ( 1,2,3!) Atchoo! OW! Uh uh,( while pointing his little finger) Boo? ( my favorite.. he points to my boob and looks at me and says Boo?) More more more ( while signing) eese( please) Pita pitaaa( pizza pizza.... just like the Little Caesars commercials) poo( pool) bah( ball) Daaaa( dog, or any 4 legged friend, for that matter) Hi!! ( to anyone he sees) Heyo peeple( hello people: while talking on the phone) Wha's sat? Uh oh, and most recently : NO! ( ohhh how I love that one) Gus is very outgoing. He loves to go shopping and play with other kids. This past week I signed him up for school. SCHOOL ???you say... at 18 months? Let me tell you: Gus doesn't have any friends who are his age. He's smack in the middle of older and younger kids ( except for my niece.. but she lives an hour away.) Millie and HIP were in a playgroup when they were 12 months. Gus' one friend moved. (sniff sniff) I feel like he needs some socializing. Back to the school. Yes. It is a 2 -4 day a week ( depending on how often we think he needs to go) 3 hours each day in a Montessori toddler community. I am totally in love with it. Everything is tiny, including the wee little working oven and stove. The owner/ teacher is a parent at Millie and Holden's school. She is lovely... and sweet and caring and everything I have missed since the kids left their old nursery school. The school provides 2 Montessori teachers who are specifically trained in infant/toddler environments. There is a lady who walks around cleaning up all the spills, changing diapers, and helping the kids wipe their little faces. Then the owner does music/movement and storytime. Their snacks are organic and in true Montessori fashion, self serve. They have a huge aquarium filled with large goldfish and a turtle. She also has 2 finches and a bearded dragon ( named Speedy... and Gus LOVED him. He was holding him and wouldn't let go.) They have 2 little playgrounds, a garden, & a pond with fish in it and a waterfall. If I were 18 months old, I'd definitely want to play there a couple of times a week. He will learn social skills, practical life skills, paint, stamp, watch animals, cook, clean and play. I am so glad I found this little school. I know he will love it. I know he will use all of his words and learn new ones in the process.

we're expecting

2007-05-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

Yeah ,yeah, I know, I don't write, I don't call. I have fallen off the face. I'm not even sure people are reading this anymore. One the slim chance that there is anyone left out there. We have some news: We're expecting again. No, not a human baby, a dog baby. Yes indeedy, in 3 short weeks an 8 week old whippet puppy will be flying in from Ohio. I'm having some slight deja vu, as this is the same thing that happened when we were waiting for Scarlett. Let me start from the beginning: After Scarlett died I declared that no other dogs would enter my life again. Losing Scarlett was just like losing a child to us. Why would I want to set myself and my family up for loss again? After talking to a neighbor, my mind was changed. She simply said," Never say never, maybe there is a dog in the future waiting to be your best friend. Just think, if you close the door, you'll never know." She is a very wise lady. Fast forward to December of 2006. I started thinking about getting a family friendly dog. Maybe it would be okay if we gave it another go. I certainly wouldn't be replacing Scarlett, but adding new memories to our family. I started researching dog breeds. Labs, mastiffs, bassetts,pulis, komandors,cotons, you name it, I considered it for my family. There was always the thing in common that I was tired of , and wanted to prevent: shedding. I'm sick of the dog hair all over my black shirts. So I found this breed called a Lagotto Romagnolo. It's a cute little curly haired dog that doesn't shed, it plays fetch, it's smart, smallish ( 30 lbs) and somewhat rare ( you know I like to be different) I contacted a breeder and I was absolutely sold. She told me that she was going to breed again in the spring. That seemed perfect to me. I talked it over with Parker and he wasn't exactly excited about it, but knows that when I get something in my head, it usually happens. Mother's day rolls around. The kids and Parker surprised me with a doggie bed, a leash, a box of puppy treats and a small bag of puppy food. I was extactic. I e-mailed the lagotto breeder. All the pups had been sold. Boo. She said that she was breeding again the winter. She is one of 2 north american breeders.The other breeder isn't going to breed again until December. :( The thought of potty training a puppy with snow on the ground was not something I had in mind. So I moved on. Next: the Portuguese Water Dog. Cute. Smallish. Non shedding. Good , good, good. I called breeders. Every breeder said "I will not sell you a PWD if you have children under the age of 7. "Apparently PWD are " spirited and energetic." ie: they'll knock your ass over. Nope. Not good. I do not want that . I already Holden for that. :) SO Back to the drawing board. I came up with a whippet. Non barking, snuggly. Very gentle. Loyal. easily trained. The list went on and on. I was sold. I contacted a breeder in Ohio. She breeds champions and is a wealth of knowledge. The ONE bad thing about whippets: if they see an animal they think is worth chasing, they run, and I mean : RUN. 40 mph to be exact. Hmmm. SO if you see me hoofin'it down the street, all out of breath.. I'm most likely trying to catch my speed hound. 26 days and counting. He is one of the puppies onthe right side of the picture. ( all boys) I can't decide.. .they are all too perfect

Bad Mommy

2007-02-20T22:31:00.000-08:00

Things started out pretty good today. I got the big kids out the door and off to school in a relatively timely matter. Gus and I enjoyed some Mommy/baby time for awhile before he was off taking his morning nap. My friend Cathy came over and we had a nice visit. It had been awhile since we had seen each other. It was nice to catch up while Gus showed off his new walkin' skills. Sounds good, right? Yeah! After Cathy took off, I bundled up my babe and we headed for the grocer. I don't love grocery shopping, but when Gus is my shopping buddy, things are generally wonderful. We shared a few macaroons, kissed each other every once and awhile and had a complete conversation in baby . Gus flirted with each and every person who crossed our path. People commented on his sweetness, and we even made a friend in the produce section right by the mangos. The cart got pretty heavy, so it was clear that I had reached the end of our shopping trip. I had 20 minutes to pick up MS& HIP at school. Perfect, since the school is 3 miles from the grocery store. Wow. I actually felt accomplished. Now, there is a cashier who loves babies at this particular grocery store. Every grocery store has one. She's the one who tickles, makes faces, and is even bold enough to cross that personal space line and kiss the baby on the cheek. Her admiration for babies is genuine and sweet. Today as I made my way to register 6, she popped out of register 3 and said, " Oh you have more than 15 items." I nodded and said " maybe next time." and smiled. She said, " oh forget it.. come on we'll go fast!I need my baby fix!" The next thing I know she's tossing my groceries on the belt and we're off. There was really no turning back. She recruited a manager-type to help her bag. Gus patiently waited in the cart, but I could tell things were going to get hectic fast. He kept standing up and trying to hold onto me. I held onto him as I placed the groceries on the belt. As I turned back from signing the credit card thingy, I saw and heard and saw Gus land right on his little head. " OH SHIT" I said , as I swooped him up. He whined a little and looked at me longingly. The manager-ish guy said, " Oh God, is he okay?" I poo pooed the situation and said, "Oh, he's okay, no worries." Then I looked at Gus' face and he was grey. His eyes were rolling around and his pupils were really small. I said " Oh, wow, I don't like his coloring right now." The next thing knew, my cart was being pushed by a nice bag boy who was clueless to the sitch. I frantically called our pediatrician who said he needed to see him ASAP. MS & HIP were at school. I had already missed carpool. I called Cathy. No answer. I called her 20 more times. No answer. I called a few neighbors. No answers from any of them. I called Parker ... at this point I was crying because Gus was limp.Finally I bit the big one and called their school. They said That MS& HIP could stay until 5:30. Okay, good, that's taken care of. I heard everyone saying " these things happen, it wasn't your fault." The thing is: it was my fault. He wasn't buckled in. ( the cart's buckle was broken and I was too lazy to get a new cart) I let him fall. I sobbed my way to the Dr's office imagining having to take him to the ER for an MRI. I imagined my sweet baby being different from this day on. Luckily, I was being dramatic. Gus' color change after the fall was due to his little body being in shock. He was fine in about an hour. Right before I rolled into lane 3 with the baby loving cashier,for a split moment in time, I felt as if I had control over everything. That'll teach me to get cocky.

Now I know why some animals eat their young.

2007-02-16T16:09:00.000-08:00

Here's why some animals have eaten their young: They must have been snowed/iced in with their kids for 4 days. Ya know, I pride myself on how much I love parenting. I live for it. What I don't live for is , " HE LOOKED AT ME!!!!" "SHE WON'T GIVE MY LIGHT SABER BACK!!" " NOBODY LIKES ME!!" " YOU'RE STUPID!!" Multiply this by 2 and again by 1,000, then multiply this by 4 days. All of this love has given me a bad headache. Now add in the babe who thinks I am his human pacifier, and has started waking up 3 times a night to nurse. As much as I love nursing...when I idealized nursing before Gus was born, I didn't think that every time I picked him up he would whip out a boob. I am beat down people. The thought of 3 more days with my kids is about to give me a stroke. My house is a mess. My car is iced over in the driveway. I can't run away, I'd slip and break my leg. Then I'd be laid up and not able to run the other way to hide in the laundry room. Calgon, take me away. I think I need a break.

Gym"nurse"sticks

2007-01-18T06:06:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that Gus' desire to nurse has increased 10 fold over the past couple of weeks. Along with his desire, his activity level has also jumped up a notch as well. What used to be a nice spell of 20-30 minutes of intimate nursing time has now become somewhat of a contact sport.

Some of my favorite positions are:

The splat: it looks like someone dropped him out of the sky and he landed flat on my chest... arms and legs sprawled.

The Switcheroo: both mammies accessible. He straddles my hips & switches sides every 10-15 seconds. While he nurses on the left he cups the right gently in his right hand . Vise versa.

Warrior 4: ( for all you yoga buffs, you'll be able to picture it) While nursing on my left, he is standing on his right leg ( yes standing.) His trunk is "open to the sky" . His left arm is straight up in the air. His left leg is also in the air . He is kicking his leg vigoriously. My nipple stretches 100 feet to accommodate

The squat: he stands square in front of me on both feet, bent at theknees & hips not unlike a sumo wrestler. See the Switcheroo for nursing style with this one.

The bow: He stands on my legs and bends his hips at a 90 degree angle.

The Sing along: while straddled at my hips he performs the Switcheroo while making baby noises and laughs each time I mimic him.

The "smell this" technique: See the Switcheroo but occasionally he will slide a foot up between my boobs.Sticking his stinky little foot right in my face.

The kick: Typically he does this when he is nursing because he's bored. He lays flat on his back and kicks his one leg in the air over and over again. This also astounds me because my nip is so stretchy in this position.

Doin' the Butt: He performs the Squat position and ocassionaly puts his tiny heiny up in the air.

And finally ( my fave) The Jibber Jabber: He starts off panting frantically and waving his hands around in every direction. He starts his motor and says "mamamamamamamamama" all the way down to the boob. He then takes a big sigh and becomes milk drunk.

I knew that nursing was going to be an amazing experience, but I never ever ever pictured him flipping all over the place.

I love it nevertheless.

There I was

2007-01-17T06:25:00.000-08:00

I have not had a lot of time to myself lately. Gus has a cold from hell. He doesn't sleep well, and the ONLY thing that makes him happy is nursing. I understand that his little throat hurts ( his voice is even more froggy than usual) His nights are rough since he can't suck his thumb with a stuffy nose. This being said: I am up every 2 hours with a crying baby... and every 3 with a 5 year old who says he loves me so much he can't stay away from me. Sooooo flattering... but also very exhausting. For all of you co-sleepers out there.. hats off to you. I can't do it. I can't sleep with a 40 lb kid on my chest... a crying baby pulling my boobs out of my shirt... trigger thumb and carpel tunnel in both hands...an annoyed husband, and my diabetes technology( pump & receiver) all piled up in our bed. I'm the one in the middle wide awake and very uncomfortable and annoyed. My shrink says I'm "too available." I'm going to have to agree with her on that one. That being said, I asked my friend Cathy to watch Gus, and I made a hair appointment. Ahhhh, a few hours to myself. Just me and my stylist, Gregg. Not a care in the world. (we'll talk about my orange mohawk at a later time... I'm still getting used to it)UNTIL~ There in the salon. I am innocently sitting in the chair, mindin' my own... having foils applied to my head... & brown goo smeared all overthe place. The next thing I know a huge microphone is pushed up my nose. I pulled my face back only to see a camera with a big " Channel 9 News " printed on the side. The newsboy who's name I don't know( sorry I don't watch the news ever.. it's too depressing) Blurts out ( with no warning) " The census borough released a statement today saying that 51% of American women are not married. Does this percentage surprise you?" Not realizing the camera was actually on I blurt out,"well, yeah! But do you have to ask me this question when I have foils on my head? Couldn't you aks me this when my hair is finished?" The dude sighed and moved on to the next victim. I mean REALLY? Did he have to just turn on the camera with no warning? I looked like a big idiot . Here's the thing. The woman next to me said that she believed that children need to be raised with a mother and a father yada yada yada.. Sure... for SOME. I obviously feel that marriage was the route for me.. but marriage isn't for everyone. Why does society establish that the " norm" is marriage . I don't think it's fair to project that opinion. What if a single mom enjoys her lifestyle. Why is it up to me to say " you need to a husband to make your life complete?" That's not up to me. If I didn't have foils on my head I would have been able to say that to the dumb newscaster dude. Alas... too late, as usual. For now, I am going to get used to my new fashion forward hair color.

New Guineas

2007-01-05T07:17:00.000-08:00

During the winter break for the kids' school, we were the host family to a small Anole. It was a fun little project. Feed, watch, & spritz with water. The kids had a good time taking care of the little guy ( later named: Popsie by one of our little friends) In Millie and Holden's classrooms, there are pets. ( like a lot of nursery schools) The kids are in charge of the care of these pets, giving them this grand sense of responsibility. So I get to thinkin'... would small pets be a good idea for MS &HIP? Do they need to know that they have a job within our family? So off to the petstore I go. I pick up 2 small Guinea Pigs from the World's most knowledgable guinea pig specialist, " George Jr." When I was leaving with my bundle of "rodents" as Parker calls them, I said to George Jr, " If I have any questions, can I call you?" George Jr replied, " Um, I might not be at work that day. You might just want to look up Guinea Pigs on the internet." I raised eyebrow... and realized that George Jr was dead serious. I buckled my new guineas into the front seat ( in their little carrier, duh. Imagine if I buckled them in to the seatbelt, as if they were sitting on their butts.. . belt across their stomachs...HA that would have been a sight!) I surprised MS & HIP with their new little babies when we returned form MS's ballet class. Originally the pigs were named " Kioko & None" ( ??) For a short time they were " Luke & Yoda( of course) but it was decided that " Waldorf and Stadtler" ( you know, the 2 grumpy old men that sat in the box seats every week during the Muppet show) would be the names that stick. Waldorf & Stadtler have been very patient with their new owners. Holden thinks they should be " free range guinea pigs" surprising us with an armful of piggies every once and awhile. The pigs love to eat carrots, orange peels, collard greens, spinach, mango,grapes, apples, and special yogurt drops. Waldorf is a little more patient... but also quicker to give a little bite when he is nervous. Stadter and MS are a good pair. Both are very sensitive. MS&HIP are thrilled to have little pets to call their own. Parker is warming up to them, except he won't ADMIT it! ( you like the new guineas.... you know you do) I like watching my kids get excited about their new responsibility. holden made a salad for the pigs last night, and sat and watched the pigs eat with much excitement. I'll post pics soon!

It's that time of year again

2007-01-01T21:22:00.000-08:00

You know how I love to reminisce. I love to look back and do the ol' " one year ago today" routine. Welp, one year ago today I woke up after a wild and crazy New Year's eve (ie: a pregnant Amy slept on the couch from 9-11:59... only to be awakened by her two 4 year olds and husband to bang on pots and pans on the back porch) and we made our weekly trip to the Deli for Bagels and lox. Throughout the day I noticed a little bit of tightening here and there in my lower belly . I figured braxton hicks were to blame. After eating a large helping of my family's traditional pork and saurkraut. I started noticing the tightening more often... and stronger by the minute. In kept a tally of contractions inmy journal. I put ona call to my OB and she said, " come one down here, we'll check things out." My friend Brandi was my " go to " person. She received a phone call. She popped on over and stayed with the kids until my mom could get here. I remember feeling that sinking feeling all the way to the hospital. Parker and I discussed boy names ( since we hadn't decided on one) and nervously chattered about what was going to happen. It was decided after 3 hours on a monitor that yes indeed I was contracting, but the contractions were not productive. I also was put on antibiotics because I had strep B. We were sent home. ( deep breath... that was a close one) It doesn't feel like a year has passed. As I sat and talked to Gus tonight while I was getting him ready to get in bed, I noticed that his cheeks aren't as round as they once were. His fingers know just what to do in order to pick up the exact toy he wants, he parrots back " ho ho ho" on perfect cue... followed by a belly laugh and a big smile and a little head butt, and when he crawls up the staircase at lightening speed, he knows that I am right behind him as he laughs the whole way up the steps. Funny how much can happen in a year.

Exactly what I didn't want to hear

2006-12-27T15:40:00.000-08:00

I saw Dr. R today for my quarterly check up. Not only was my A1C :9(!) Dr R mentioned to me that it may be almost time for me to wean Gus. Huh? My plan was to nurse until he didn't want to nurse anymore! ( yes even if he is 4) Apparently my cholesterol
is a wee bit higher than it should be. Here is where I fight my condition. Here's where I would like diabetes to take a hike so I can follow my child right into nursing until he is finished. I said to Dr. R, " but Gus is a boob man.. I can't stop nursing him now!" Dr R. responded with : " Welp, in about 13 years he'll find a surrogate." I said.. "you speak as if you have experience with this matter." he said.." I have a 21 year old daughter... that should sum it up for ya." I said " oh, you should have sent her to art school, all the dudes are gay." he simply smiled. Back to the point: I DON'T WANT TO WEAN GUS. I know, I know.. my health matters too.. but my mental health matters.. and one of the things that makes me so happy is that I have been given the chance to nurse. I'm going to follow Gus' lead for the next 3 months or so... if he gives me signs that nursing is for the birds.. well, I'll cut him back and help him wean. For now, I'll enjoy every minute of it.

The Brutally Honest Christmas

2006-12-26T07:43:00.000-08:00

I thought I had it in the bag. I thought that when the children opened their gifts there would be success across the board. I was wrong. For months I have been picking up little things here and there. I limited the gifts to 6 moderate gifts and one "big one." The stocking was filled with things Mommy won't allow them to eat... and toys Mommy would NEVER buy( ie: Floam) The day started off okay. Once Holden got to the Felt pirate Hat, wooden hook and felt eye patch the shit hit the fan. I thought this was one of the stronger gifts. Instead of excitement and happiness.. we got, " Um I don't like pirates, Gus can have this." Ohhh I get it, Since Gus doesn't know any better, he gets the crap nobody wants. Poor little bean. Although that being said.. Gus was thrilled to suck on the wooden hook and swing around the eye patch. The deal was that HIP wanted 2 light sabers. It seems that HIP has becpome quite a Starwars expert....and since he has a Luke Skywalker costume and a Darth Vader costume.. he needs the appropriate light sabers. Welllll, "Santa" didn't know he needed 2. Luckily "Santa's" Mom had a second light saber waiting to be opened... but it was an hour away... Not good for our little Jedi looking desperately for his second light saber. I watched my bloodsugar rising up to 300 on my reciever due to the stress of the sitch. Fast forward to 8 pm... we're sitting at my parents' place opening gifts... instead of hearing " Oh WOW Thanks Beanie!" We heard " How come I always get clothes?... " " Another star Wars Transformer?" & my favorite, " I laready have this!" Okay, not to confuse anyone we're gonna go back to our house. There is a real drum set ( kid sized) sitting in our family room. So far, from what we can tell.... the only thing it is good for is to whack your brother's hand when he tried to take a turn on the cymbal. Okay.. back to Beanie and Pop Pop's . Beanie and Pop Pop gave the kids electronic Light Sabers that not only glow.. they make that sound that light sabers make when they are swinging aroud in the air. They were a hit. Shew!! Finally! Joy and rapture! Today things are looking up. Gus loves his weaning table. Holden is enjoying his entire collection of Star Wars Transformers, and Millie is quietly writing her name in cursiv eand surrounding it with hearts on her glow in the dark magna doodle pad. You know how people say, " I wish Christmas was every day? I frankly couldn't think of anything worse. I saw a side of my kids I wish to never see again... the greedy side. I knw they are 5. I knwo they have expectations. now it is time to work on appreciation.

our little human garbage disposal

2006-12-21T23:07:00.000-08:00

I have posted in the past about Gus' love of food. Each day the child wows me more than the day before when it comes to the diversity of his diet. I am constantly searching for new foods for him, and surprisingly enough, he hasn't really protested much. It has become somewhat of a game to me. The only thing I have seen him turn down is overcooked broccoli. Blanched or raw is fine. Although, I am thrilled that he is so willing to try new things, there is an element of concern when it comes to his diet. That concern is: Angus eats more than a grown man. Just an example of one of his meals; A chicken leg, a cup of wild rice, a cup of baked butternut squash w/cooked raisins, 1/2 blueberry muffin, 1/2 banana, and a cup of applesauce. I'm telling you he has hollow legs. He loves avocado sushi, beef stew, croissants, yogurt ( plain with fresh fruit)lamb,couscous,hummus, spaghetti,whole wheat pita, and tonight he arm wrestled me for the heart of my artichoke. I have never seen a 10 month old eat an entire artichoke until I met Gus. On top of all of that he nurses between 5+7 times a day ( on average.... some days it's only 3 times, but that is my fault. I asked the pediatrician about limiting food intake. he kindly said " Gus does not have a weight problem ( He is in the 25th percentile) I breathed a sigh of relief on that one. I do know that one day this trend will end and he will only eat a blueberry muffin and drink a cup of milk all day. ( Millie used to do that.. it scared me to death) As for now. Bon Apetite my little friend!

my first night as a robot

2006-12-15T05:55:00.000-08:00

You may do this too. You may get all freaked out when there is a change in your routine, perhaps? I am notorious for panic attacks when a wrench gets thrown( a wrench I planned on throwing myself)into my routine. I'm not OCD, I swear... okay maybe just a little. I don't think I'm OCD really, I just do things in a particular order so I don't leave anything out. By this I mean I take my medicines in the same order every night, and I set up my pump the same way every time. I do this because I don't want to be awake @ 4 am panicking because did I take those meds? Did I push insulin through the catheter? If all is done accordingly, I don't worry myself to death. Kinda narcissitic, I know. Welp, I was all set up on my DexCom receiver yesterday. After a lesson that went a lot like this: " first you do this"..... "then you do this" if this happens, do this, if that doesn't work, there is a secret method that isn't in the handbook, but it seems to work. "Make sure you don't do this or this"... "if you have any questions we have tech support 24/7" " Now, let's go insert a 2" needle into your abdomen with a spring loaded gun from across the room... Don't flinch. K, have a good one..." "All done." I left the office looking like a deer in the headlights. After obsessively watching my bloodsugar hang out at around 50 for 2 hours, I thought to myself, " Self, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. What I didn't know didn't hurt me... now I can see what is going on and it is FREAKY man." Low and behold I started thinking the thing was cool. I could see that my bloodsugar was a-okay and I relaxed. I fell asleep with Millie only to be awakened by a beep the volume of an air raid siren. After I peeled myself off of the kids' bedroom ceiling I got up and did what I thought I was suposed to do. The thing just sat there mocking me. Blank screen. I did one other thing only to have the thing just sit there in silence. At 1AM I decided that the panic attack that was looming could be avoided. I picked up the phone and called the famous Tech support. I spoke to a really cool girl and she basically said " I have no idea what happened to your receiver. Forget about it for tonight and start over in the morning." So about an hour ago I sat down and took a deep breath, and I think I started over. We'll see in an hour when the calibration is complete. Tick tock, tick tock....

the bionic woman

2006-12-13T17:43:00.000-08:00

Remember back when my A1C was 5.3? remember when my bloodsugar was never above 160?Remember how tight my control was?( even if you don't remeber these things... just nod your head and smile, okay?) Those days are gone people, GONE. I don't know what it is.... 1) noone checks up on my journal so I don't keep one? 2) I am nursing and the hormones I am releasing make my bloodsugar crazy-go-nuts? 3) I am too frikkin tired because I get 2 hours of sleep a night these days because my 3 kids like to juggle me during the night? 4) I'm too embarassed to even say that I have seen numbers like 560 and 587?( I hang my head in shame)5) could it be all of the above?? OR 6)do I shamelessly admit that I ignore my condition? The answer: 6. I could really give a rat's ass about my diabetes. I hate it. Usually when I hate something enough, it goes away. Welp, not only is my diabetes not going away... it is getting even more annoying. Like that annoying cousin who won't go away @ the family reunion because he thinks he's cool.. but really he's a big dork? Have no fear! I am signed up to get trained to use something called a Dexcom ( not to be confused with Defcon) Monitor. The dexcom monitor is a real time wireless monitor that reads my bloodsugar through a sensor in my stomach every 2 minutes. The face of the monitor shows a graph of my trends throughout the day. I can scroll back and see what my bloodsugar did that day... down load the results on my computer, and take the printed copies to my doctor for evaluation. The coolest part about this monitor is that it alarms when my bloodsugar is over 200 and under 100. That is so rockin'. Part of my problem with cronic panic attacks is fear that my bloodsugar will dive bomb in the wee hours of the morning when noone is paying attention. The monitor will mkindly beep and let me know that I need more or less insulin. I still have to stick myself 2 times a day to calibrate... but hey that's better than 8 times, right? I am a little apprehensive... boarderline panicky... but I know it's best. I also met with a hand surgeon today. Turns out I have to have a nerve conductor test done on my hand to rule out periferal neuropathy. If it's not neuropathy, I'l go under the knife for carpel tunnel surgery and trigger release surgery on my thumb. The best part of the visit ( besides the 1 1/2 hour wait in the waiting room) was when he said " we'll numb your hand and put a tourniquet on your arm... it's a simple procedure." Um, I'm gonna go pass out now.... goodbye.

Hello? Is anybody home???

2006-11-22T22:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry friends... I got a little caught up in life and the blog took the back seat there for awhile. I can't promise I'll return as often as I used to but I am glad to update as things happen around here.

Millie and Holden turned 5. Can you believe it? I look back on all that they have accomplished and take a deep breath because I know that eventhough they have come a long way since the NICU.. that could fit on the head of a pin when it comes to their little lives.They amaze me.

I took Holden to get his beautiful long locks of hair cut off. He was basically begging to " look like a boy." I couldn't torture him any longer , so I gave in. While at the salon, Millie threw a fit. " I want my hair cut like Holden!!!" In a pure moment of panic, I suggested a stripe of color to keep her happy and in the spotlight. We came home with a little boy who looked like a boy... and a very happy little girl with a fire engine red stripe down the right side of her head. All was well.
Both kids are transitioning well into their new school. I, on the other hand, need some coaxing. I know that M&H are where they need to be.. now if only I could feel like I was part of the community. It is so different from their old preschool.
Holden is super obsessed with Starwars. He seems to know each and every detail with precision. Somehow Superkitty has been added to the cast of Starwars... good ol' Superkitty. He really is "every hero." I have convinced the kids that I attemded Jedi School. Yoda was my teacher. I know Luke and Leia, aqnd Hans Solo was a flirt and sometimes a jerk, but I still like him. In the grocery store all I have to say when the kids are acting up is , " Please don't make me use the force." and they straighten right up. Holden begs to see my light saber. I tell him that I have to keep it back @ Jedi School in a special locked box. Light sabers are dangerous, and they shouldn't be used by anyone who is untrained. Millie is going to marry Luke Skywalker. She has 3 best friends at school. She loves to sew and iron and fold laundry.

Gus... whoa.. I can hardly keep up with this little dude. I left off when Gus was first rolling over.
at 6 months he sat up
at 7 months he cut teeth
at 8 months he crawled
at 8 months he pulled up
at 9 months he started cruising
he is just shy of 10 months and he is starting to pull his hands away from his anchor... and stand for about 10 seconds. This started this week.

Gus eats like he is in an eating contest. Everything I give him goes down " his drain" ( HIP's term for a throat) A sample dinner is : 1 cup of chopped blueberries, 3/4 cup peas,3/4 c chopped chicken breast, 1 whole pear(chopped) 1/2 c water out of a glass, and when we all sit down to eat dinner together ( Gus usually eats about an hour earlier... but joins us for a sit down family meal) gus trenches off of my plate. His new current fave: spanish rice. It's fun to have a kid who loves to eat. M&H were tough. Picky. They also weren't intorduced to solid foods until they were well over a year, so I am thankful they will eat anything. Now they scarf down pretty much anything we give them ( within reason) They are all good eaters. All are willing to try anything. Millie takes some coaxing, but all in all she usually gives it a try.

I'm certainly no Montessori guru ( see http://www.mommybahn.blogspot.com if you wanna see a true Montessarus) but I am attempting to raise Gus in a modified Montessori environment. One of those things is his bedroom. Unlike M&H's room ( murals all over the place.. toys , books, and swings) Gus' room is neat and tidy. Organized. Simple. Quiet. Predictible. I borrowed the idea of a floor bed from my good friend Amanda. When I saw that she was going to put her daughter in a floor bed I thought " whoa man.. that's brave." Then I remembered the months of pure hell Parker and I lived through when HIP learned how to climb out of his crib.( @ 14 months) We lived in pure terror. Would he fall? Would he wander through the house @ night sneaking down to the kitchen to let himself out to go for a dip in the pool? He never did... but in our minds.. he was willing and able.. and most of all : unstoppable. The floorbed not only prevents those falls, it encourages independance. Gus crawls into his bed when he wants to crawl into his bed. I nurse him before he goes to bed. After he is done nursing, I put him on his bed. He typically grabs his blanket and sucks his thumb for a bit. He usually puts the blanket down and crawls around the room one last time. He pats his rocking chair. He pulls up to look out of the window. He tries to latch onto a few of the drawer pulls on his dresser. Then, he crawls to his bed and grabs his blanket and puts his head down and hums himself to sleep. He sleeps on his own terms. Hence: no screaming and crying. He sleeps 12 hours a night ( unless he is teething). When he wakes up in the morning, he crawls out of bed and I hear him go " Ba? Ba ba ma?
Gus LOVES to " chase" M&H around the family room. They do a great job of interacting with him. Millie has a bad habit of carrying Gus across the room against his will... and throwing in an apology when he cries... but other than that she is a little mommy to him. He glows when she plays with him. She's really good @ making people feel important. Holden just tries to scare Gus ( although he would never admit that).
Gus is also starting to mimic sounds. His new big one is blowing raspberries. He spits all over my face and cracks up. It is really funny.

My friend Cathy and I are in the process of starting up our baby carrier company. It's coming along slowly, but it's coming along nevertheless. I am excited about getting things off the ground. I'll post website details and other updates as they develop.

I have developed something called " trigger thumb" in both of my thumbs. Funny that I woud get trigger thumb.. since I hate guns so much. Basically what is going on is diabetes related. The tendon that runs from the top joint of my thumb.. down to the base of my thumb is so tight I cannot straighten or bedn my thumbs easily. They are swollen and man it hurts. I tried wearing a brace for awhil.. but it didn't work. I cannot have cortisone injections ( no anti inflamatory meds for me because of my kidneys) SO basically I am probably looking at surgery. I am going to put it off until I am done nursing. No pain killers for my sweet baby thanks.

Parker is working hard. He takes the kids to school for me every day which is such a big help. The kids live to listen to XM kids. They come home singing hilarious kid songs. Parker even admits that XM kids stays on the radio after the kids are out of the car. :)

I'll update the pics when I finally get around to uploading them on the 'puter.

Sorry about the delay. We missed you.

sniff sniff... oops...I mean: snip snip

2006-10-05T05:00:00.000-07:00

Here we go again. Why is it that haircuts disturb me so? I will gladly lop off my hair to a feminine buzz cut.. but when it comes to my children's hair.. I insist on their hairstyles to be long and luscious. Since Gus was born he has had a head of hair on him. Beautiful strawberry blonde craziness. Lately he has been rubbing his eyes.. and the lock of bangs just didn't want to scoop to the side. In hopes of recovering his glorious mohawk, I took some shears to his little head yesterday. When I look back on the pictures, I get sad, because he was ( in my opinion .. his mother's OPINION.. ie: I'm not projecting my child's appearance on anyone) SO CUTE. I'm not saying that he's not cute now. I think I did a bang up job on his new style. I just prefer long hair. I had planned on " letting it go" until he was one. Out of respect of my 8 month old who was in danger of becoming cross eyed, I did him a favor. The thing I hate most is how much older he looks with a haircut. Where did my baby go????

Run !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

Don't walk... away from this weirdness! Okay, lemme start from the beginning. I don't shy away from letting my kids sit in front of the digital babysitter every now and then. I think TV has a lot to offer on levels I cannot provide for my kids. I gotta tell ya, that Magic School Bus on Discovery kids is fascinating! Where else could you get swallowed by a classmate in a micro sized school bus along with your class and eccentric teacher ( Miss Grizzle) and actually see what happens to food when you swallow it. I did however notice that the writers didn't attempt to explain how food EXITS your body. I was waiting to see how they were gonna draw a big poop with a little school bus inside. Luckily they didn't go there, and I didn't have to visualize THAT for the rest of the day. I digress. I don't have a problem with letting my kids take it down a notch after a hard day at school. I am not one of those parents who has this attitude that TV is the devil... and their kids are forbidden to watch tv. I think a lot of the time this kind of talk is part of their show. And I think they are elitist. Well, elitist parents.. tell me.. why do your kids love Spongebob Squarepants... and how come your kid's birthday party was Disney Princess? Hmmm??? No TV my ass. I'm not saying that these people are bad or wrong. Do what you want.. I do not judge. I'm just saying.. don't pretend that your kid is pure.. when you know that you sometimes need a break and you pop in a DVD every once and awhile. I actually think families without TVs are great!I also think that families who forbid their kids to watch TV are fine... as long as it's consistent.I know plenty of TV free families. ( I mean REAL tv free families)and those kids aren't hurting in any way. All the power to ya. I can't imagine having enough energy to entertain my kids when they are tired or bored... and I have 45 phone calls to make. What I'm trying to say is: I hate when people lie and make thier families out to be better than everyone else's. I DO however prohibit any cartoon characters on any clothing or shoes.. unless of course it's retro ( ie: Superman.. or Wonder Woman.. oh what I woudn't give for a lasso of truth!) Our birthday parties are gender neutral... and focused on the kids.. not advertizing for the man. Again, I digress.( who's the elitist now?HA!) My kids go to school and learn about decimals, binomials and trinomials, Millie can sew a button on a piece of fabric, iron a towel, and polish glass and silver. They know secondary and terciary colors. I feel like a little TV isn't going to make their minds melt and their eyeballs fall out.Life is full of lessons. One of those lessons is that entertainment is good for the soul. HOWEVER: Holden is home from school today with a fever and belly ache. He is laying on the couch watching Discovery kids. A new show came on. Hip Hop Harry. Are you familiar? Well, if not.. lemme sum it up:A Barney-esque dude in an oversized sports jersey and a baseball hat twisted 45 degrees to the side. Hip hop Harry dances around with a bunch of kids singing " When I say hey you say ho... heyyyy ( hoooo ) heyyyy (hoooooo) when I say hey you say ho.. Hey( hoooo) hey( hooo) Go Bobby it's yer birfday..." I swear these kids were "krumping." Then all of a sudden Hip Hop Harry proceeds to do a "helicopter" and finish off the show with a head spin.I stood in the kitchen with the water running in the sink oddly mesmerized by the oddness of this concept. Holden seemed to LOVE it. I was just waiting for him to turn around to me and say ," Mom, can we have Hip Hop Harry Birthday party?"

School daze

2006-09-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of school For Millie and Holden. Notice both are suited up in their elastic waisted pants and velcro sneakers( both required wardrobe for primary students at their new school.) Pay no mind to the fine art Holden added to the fireplace hearth. That was another day... at another time. Things are lookin' up. :)

Both kids were cooperative and excited for their new adventure. I hope they are having fun. The new school is a lot more strict than their old school. ( may it rest) This place has a handbook that's 200 pages thick... and seemingly a long list of rules and regulations. I s'poze it's a good thing. I think our Little HIP needs positive direction. The directress ( yes, that is her official title)of the school says that HIP has " joyful exuberance." Parker and I think that since Montessori doesn't often use the word " hyper" that was a kind way of saying.. " don't feed your kid sugar coated chocolate bombs for breakfast before school."
Millie was happy to go to school today. She was eager to get dressed, and get her picture taken for the big event.. and to meet her new friends, eventhough she misses her " old friends." I miss her old friends too. I keep thinking back on our little trip through JAF ( old school) SO sweet. So loving. So available. The new school I'm sure offers these things too, but right now it feels like there is a lot of structure, and there is no room for compromise. Listen to me, it's like it's MY first day of school.

Well, the good news is : Parker got the kids to school 15 minutes early! He actually had to wait for the primary carpool drop off.( that's a first!) Both kids hopped out and gladly walked into the school. Shew! No water works. Let's see how tomorrow goes. :)

Things that make you go "mmmmmm"

2006-08-24T14:33:00.000-07:00

Just reporting that Our boy Angus is ( so far) a pretty good " eater."
For breakfast he eats a variation of some carbs, a fruit and a protein. I chose between : ground up brown rice, ground millet, ground oatmeal. Banana. Peach/nectarine. Prunes. Flax seed waffles or whole grain waffles. For his protein he eats an egg yolk. I have started mixing the grains along with a banana each day and he seems to enjoy each combo more than the last. Today's combo was oatmeal and ground millet with a mashed banana. He ate that along with an entire nutragrain waffle. I think he's a bottomless pit!( or he has that awful condition where his mind doesn't tell him when he's full. :) )

He nurses through out the day.( up to 6 times)

His afternoon snack is a whole wheat teething biscuit and a fruit.

His dinner is still holding steady at 1/2 an avocado & mashed banana with a tablespoon of wheat germ, a piece of whole grain bread, mashed sweet potato with apples, and a mango.

Millie and holden were pretty good eaters, but they ate jarred foods. Now that I look back I could have exposed them to so much more had I made their foods as I am with Gus. I'm not complaining about Millie and Holden's diet. They eat what I give them. I always remember to feed them something tasty ( kid food)every once and awhile, so they are open to food changes. No chicken nuggets and mac & cheese. ( only when the babysitter comes over.. then they can do whatever they want. Popscicles for dinner? Sure the baby sitter is here YAY!! )My kids do put away some sushi,lox , kamut noodles, and Holden ate a sheet of seaweed last week . Millie just said "ew, NO thanks."( after I bought my sister a package of seaweed as a joke for her birthday)

At month 7 Gus will be introduced to carrots/tofu/seaweed/seeds /flax oil, and a handful of new fruits and veggies.

I wonder how he will eat as an adult, since we are introducing him to super healthy foods as a base. Time will only tell. ( Well, time and his big brother and sister saying " ewww" every time I give him something new. :) )

Help me if you can I'm feelin' down

2006-08-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

And I do appreciate you bein' round.... help me get my feet back on the ground.. won't you please,please help me......
Millie has become a troubled youth. I know what you are thinking. Millie is almost 5, not 16. Well let me just tell you, something is up, and I'm not smart enough, or mommy savvy enough to be able to psychoanalyze her.

Her temper has become increasingly hot. I have been known to throw a plate or a set of keys( not since I had kids... they don't need more reasons for a shrink when they get older) in my day... so it doesn't surprise me that her sheer volume and ability to pitch a fit has reared it's ugly head. I inherited this from my father. That guy is the nicest , sweetest, most giving guy on Earth... until someone tailgates him, then WATCH OUT! Seems that that gene has been passed down from the master.
Last week Millie and I argued about a banana for a half an hour. I'm not saying that I want to scare my child. Because I don't. What I would like to be able to do is: say, " I think you need to take more than one bite of that banana before you throw it away." Instead of getting so mad at her because she refuses to do anything she doesn't want to do. If she doesn't want to put her shoes away, she just doesn't. If she doesn't want to eat her dinner, she doesn't. If she doesn't want to wait to swing on a swingset, she doesn't. It's not that I'm not trying here. I say, " Please put your shoes away so we know where to find them next time." She responds: " I will not put those shoes away." Which in turn makes me say something stupid like " Put the shoes away or I will pitch them in the garbage." Which just pisses the wee one off... and she sighs heavily, rolls her eyes and bends over very dramatically and throws them in the closet in a huff... and growls at me.Then I think to myself, " how can I handle this situation differently/more effectively?? She has started screaming and bawling and pulling on my arms, hands and pants. ( something I hate. When they pull on my pants, my pump usually falls off of my hip... and crashing to the floor. It's just not a good thing to have your lifeline break because of a couple of 4 year olds' temper tantrums. )I had one goal this summer: The children will not interrupt me while I am on the phone. Neither of them are getting the hint( My simple rule is: unless someone is bleeding or unconscious~ DO NOT INTERRUPT ME.) After the banana argument ended (ie: Millie chucked a mushy banana down the steps at my head) I have noticed an increased number of times Millie cries throughout the day. Her increased shyness.Her ability to say PLEASE 1,000,000 times in order to get what she wants. ( " Mom, can I have candy?" " Mom can I please have candy?" " Mom, can I have candy? PULEEZE~ MOM! CAN I HAVE CANDY?? PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( bawling ,sobbing ,pulling on my pants) Her intolerance of her brother( Holden) Holden is no help as he pretends to be the golden child when she is at her lowest, saying things like " I sure do LOVE bananas Mom, I could eat about a hundred of them." Okay Forrest Gump... let's not aggravate Happy Fun Ball over there.
I do suspect a few reasons for her fury. 1) The baby gets a lot of attention. ( not , " ohhh look at that good baby boy isn't he cute?" kind of attention...it's the " I can't play right now, I have to feed Gus and put him in for a nap. Maybe when I'm done, okay?" kind of attention) 2) Holden has learned how to swim and is currently learning to ride a 2 wheeler. This being said: this is status quo for Millie. Holden walked when he was 15 months old. He was clutsy and always getting hurt. Millie watched & waited and when she turned 22 months, she stood up and walked perfectly. He throws caution to the wind. She observes, and when ready,she executes with precision. She's a perfectionist to a T. 3) Millie and Holden's sweet little Montessori preschool closed. ( rather abruptly I might add) Millie Girl does not like change. The school gave us an option of sending the kids to the other campus... but our fear was that we'd be changing their environments too often, with kindergarten just around the corner. SO Parker and I enrolled them in a new school... a new school that goes up to 8th grade. A Montessori elementary school that won't set us back 40K each year. It's really a dream come true. A dream come true for everyone except Millie. She asks where her friends are going to be. She asks if her teachers will be there. She asks if I will be there. I am so sad for her. I know she will be fine, it's just that unknown that always sets us back. Sadly, she inherited that from me too. On the other hand~ Holden is psyched! Ready to roll. New school = new friends, new teachers, new practical life skills, NEW PLAYGROUND! WOO HOO! ( Don't even go there JAF friends... (Shaking my head in sadness)) Holden asks me on a daily basis, "Is tomorrow September mom?" Millie interrupts me and says " SEPTEMBER WILL NEVER BE HERE." I'm pretty sure that our little Millie is feeling overwhelmed because of the combination of all 3 things I mentioned above. I just WISH I could keep a level head and know how to deal with her emotions without losing my cookies. My frustration level is getting lower each day. I'm not sure if it's because I'm oerwhelmed w/ mommy stuff.. or if it's because I just don't know what to do with myself when I'm mad.. how do I deal with my "Mini Me?"

I'm warning you lady!

2006-07-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

If Gus could talk , here's what he would have sadi to me tonight at dinner:
" Mom, listen to me. I have had a rough coupla days here. From a fever of 102.5 ~ to a rather sleepless night the other night, to some herpe-esque bumps on my lips,tongue and probably my throat ( that I've been rubbing all over you and your milk bar). I know that I have led you to believe that I LOVE avocado. I normally do! But PULEEZE ... if you love me you will stop force feeding me smashed avocado. I am warning you. If you give me one more bite, I'll , uggg, mgm,gmgggmmm, gack !grrr!( chewing smashed up avocado) THAT'S IT! I'm sticking this spoon in my eye!"

We're gonna need to take one of our sick days

2006-07-28T18:29:00.000-07:00

Look at these faces. Ohhh my poor boys. Seems that we picked up a case of the coxsackievirus at the family reunion.Millie had it earlier this week...now the boys are all laid up with sickness, just sickness.. Gosh, I couldn't be happier. Gus has had a pretty good run without getting sick. I should be happy that we went just about six months with out even catching a cold. Pretty good for a kid who has 2 older siblings who bring hom a petri dish of goodies during the school year. I can hardly muster up a smile when I look at poor Gus, he's so sad!!! Holden was sick last week ( barfing) and now he is sitting in the other room with a 104.4 fever... suckin' down his 3rd " sick popscicle" ( pedialite pop) . He seems to be handling it better than poor baby Gus. HIP loves his popscicles man.I am just waiting to get this stupid virus! Gus sucks all over my face and lips daily... especially when he's tired. Ohhhh the joys of parenthood. Anyone wanna bet when I get this? I say Monday.

rollin', rollin', rollin',get those doggies rollin'

2006-07-28T18:19:00.000-07:00

Our freedom is gone. That's right peeps, Angus rolls. I know most kids roll a little earlier, but Gus is our third kid and we aren't encouraging him to do anything but be a baby. :) ( ie: I'm not ready to have to perform preventative thinking on behalf of my infant son.) I like that I can leave him on the edge of the couch and he won't roll off. Anywayyyyy, I am glad my babe decided to think for himself and roll his little self over. He seems rather pleased with his new skill... oh, except for the time he rolled his face into the fireplace stone. Yeah, that was a little rough on his sweet baby soft forehead. Time is flyin' by. Wasn't Angus born just yesterday? Wait, weren't Millie and Holden born just yesterday?? !

And the World's best baby award goes to...

2006-07-26T07:52:00.000-07:00

( in the almost 6 month old category) Angus! Yes friends, I think Gus is indeed the world's best baby. The World's best baby who is amost 6 months old ~ that is. I know lots of babies who would take the award in the other age groups. ( Including the 4 year old twin category) Millie and Holden were rockin' babies. I was a new mom who wanted nothing more than control. For that, I "fought" tooth and nail to get MS & HIP to follow my lead. With a few years of mothering experience, I have learned one valuable lesson: let the baby tell you what it needs. ( cause... noone can tell a baby what to do. :) ) A day with Gus is simple: He wakes up daily @ 7:2o on the dot. I hear him sucking his thumb and quietly giggling. I look over and he usually smiles a big toothless grin and says " baa baaaaaaaaaa hahahahah ( squeal!) I pick him up and inhale a huge breath of his pure babyness and take him to clean him up before his first meal. He smiles and kicks his feet while I change him. He usually wimpers a little bit as I button up his PJs because dammit I'm not going fast enough. I take him to our bed and lie him down on my side. I lie next to him and nurse him into oblivion. He usually falls asleep after both sides are drained. I usually wake up and see him nuzzled up to my boob.. with his thumb in his mouth... his other hand resting softly on my chest. He wakes up with a smile. He bats at Parker's face , smiles and says "Baaaaa baaa baaa baaa" After the morning chats are over( ie: Parker whispers, "I am gonna sleep for 5 more minutes and get up to take a shower"... and rolls over and goes to sleep...) Guster and I go downstairs. A couple of hours later his sister and brother usually join us for breakfast. Gus loves to eat! For breakfast he eats half of a banana, 2 tablespoons of homemade brown rice cereal ( super baby porridge) , blended prunes, 1/4 nectarine, and a gulp of water from his cup. He laughs and feeds himself. He also loves to hold his cup and drink and spill water all over the place. Millie and Holden love to watch. It is quite a site! No matter what time it is... Gus is glad to take a nap. After his breakfast he nurses for about 5 minutes, sits up and stuffs his thumb in his mouth, as if to say: "I've had my fill.. now put me down to rest. I love you. :)" Gus will sleep for a few hours and wake up happy. He never cries when he wakes up. He just lies in his bed happily babbling and playing with "Tickle" his rabbit. Gus is easy going. He is as predictible as the sunshine in the Summer. He laughs at Millie and Holden when they play with him. He smiles at strangers. He lets strangers who only speak Spanish hold him.. and he smiles and laughs at them too. He LOVES Ruby Jones. He doesn't fuss when Ruby slimes him on the mouth. Gus thinks TV is funny. He loves to ride in his slings, and he kicks in delight when I kiss him on the head. He thinks it is fun when Millie holds him( which is a lot) Gus loves his avacado/banana mash. He slurps down sweet potato and chunks of nectarines and peaches. Gus will drink out of a bottle, a glass, a plastic cup, a sippy cup,a sports bottle, and a straw. If Gus misses a nap.. he is no worse for the wear. He goes with the flow, with a smile on his face.Gus goes to bed happily at 8 pm every night( this concept is strange to us.. since Millie and Holden are IMPOSSIBLE to get to bed... always have been.) I'm telling you people, after 3 months of pure anxiety and post partum depression, I sit back and wonder to myself, why do I deserve all of this? I am so lucky. I'm trying not to sound too braggy here. I just look back at my life 5 years ago, and I never thought I'd ever have this pure joy. Millie , Holden, and Gus are so cool. I have the best job in the world.I hope this lasts. Honestly I am waiting for the bomb to drop.. and real life to begin. HA!

Who's my Hollaback girl?

2006-07-13T19:30:00.001-07:00

That's right people. Gwen Stefani is MY Hollaback girl. Why you ask? Because she clearly copied and bought the same Rockin' Baby sling for her baby Kingston ( as seen in Us Weekly.)as I bought for Gus. Sometimes it's painful being so cool :) GAH I'm crackin' myself up over here. :)

Thank you sir, may I have another?

2006-07-08T07:24:00.000-07:00

HE LOVES IT!!! Can't you tell? Okay. Gus didn't love avocado. He tolerated it when it was blended with mashed banana. Poor guy. My Super Baby food book says that avocados are the best thing to feed babies because of the fatty acids good for brain development. I'm going to try to se if he'll learn to accept avocado if I blend it with yummier, tastier foods.
He was a good sport.. gagging his way through the meal.
My good baby... look at him trying to smile his way through the torture.

The Millie-ism of the day:

2006-07-08T06:18:00.000-07:00

Today's Millie-ism is:

"Right now we have tiny heinies... but when we grow up, our heinies are gonna be big like Mommy's."

I think I'm flattered. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that statement, but(t) ( haha pun intended!) for now I'll believe that she just wants to grow up and be like her mommy. :) Ba-donka-donk and all.

He eats solids! ( applause & cheering!)

2006-07-06T18:44:00.000-07:00

This year, on my birthday ( July 2) I decided( a little bit against what I wanted, but knew Gus was giving me signs that he was ready) to have Parker feed him his first bowl of rice cereal. ( Like I am the boss around here or something) The kid loved it. Gus had his mouth open like a baby bird the whole time. He would take a bite and open his mouth almost immediately for another go. Parker was careful not to force him to open his mouth, or make a fuss over cereal on his face.( including his eyebrows, eyelids, and ears) I had been back and forth on if we should wait until he was 6 months old and nurse exclusively... or just give him the cereal. Gus LOVES to nurse. I think he'd be one of those 4 year olds nursing himself to sleep at night. I don't have a problem with that so much... we all need security. I however think that I will want to get my life back in order before then. As much of a wannabe hippie I am, I also have limits. I think Gus will surviveif I take his boobies away at about 1 or 1 1/2 years. Gus has been eating whole grain rice cereal and bananas. I am following along in a book called Super Baby Food. Man the author( Ruth Yaron) is SO KNOWLEDGEABLE .. seemingly about everything! She writes about everything from meal prep,eating areas,recipies,food tables,nutritional values,the good bad and the ugly,bacterias( good and bad) cleaning, home made cleaning products, freezing food ( ie: food cubes)... and so much more. I get dizzy when I read it because it has so much info. I bought it back when Millie and HIP were about 18 months. Their diet restrictions ( due to their surgeries etc...) Prevented me from trying anything from the book. This time I will be making Gus' food... so I get more bang for my buck, and I have that elusive control. :) I am getting ready to give Gus avacado. I'm sure he'll suck it down. He seems rather pleased to chew his food, as long as I have his boob ready to go as soon as he is done mashing bananas in his ears.

stylin'

2006-07-06T18:28:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else thing that Gus looks like a cross between Squiggy and Mr. T?

This kid has hair that won't quit!

A few weeks ago, in an undisclosed location... A man I don't know( but has some relation to Parker's mom's family) said to me " That kid has a mohawk ." ( REALLY? Oh my goodness... I hadn't noticed! Note blatant sarcasm) I responded to " Man who's name I don't know." " Yeah, his name is Angus... when your namesake is a rocker, you gotta look the part, right? The "Man" said " Ohh like Angus Young right? AC/DC? I said, "sort of...Just kidding, I grew up on an Angus farm, he's named after it." The dude looked me square in the face and said , " YOU NAMED YOUR KID AFTER A COW?" ( that's prime grade,w/traceable bloodline to Scotland ,certified USDA beef to you, SIR)
I said, " Noooooo, I named him after a very special place." Here's my point: ( I have said this in the past, but I'll gladly repeat myself) If you can't say anything nice...don't say it at all. My child is named perfectly for him. His name suits him. I almost blurted out, " Dude , don't make me suckerpunch you in front of your kids." Whoa, did I actually think that? Where did the bad ass mama in me come from? Anyways. If you don't like Gus' name~ Fine... but don't tell me how you feel. It hurts my feelings... and it also makes me think bad things about you. So there.

After the pause

2006-06-28T18:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been so long. The kids are on Summer vacation, ( whoever came up with the term "summer vacation" obviously doesn't have children. There is no vacation in sight for a SAHM) So far this summer we have been to the beach 3 times. Holden has thrown up twice. Millie broke out in hives and her top lip swelled up so much ( and so quickly) that I burst out laughing when I first saw it. Millie and Holden fight like cats and dogs. Millie has started scratching Holden when she doesn't get her way. Holden has been advised to wear a shirt at all times. Holden has an INSANE imagination. He plays with his imaginary friend " Super Kitty" all the time. He is sensitive and requires 5 night lights in his bedroom, or he " just can't sleep." His favorite song currently is " Mr. Roboto." Millicent LOVES Gus so much it's boarderline annoying. Every 20 seconds ( and I am not exaggerating) she says " Can I hold Gus? ( but it sounds like this : " canIholdGusMommy?Mom, canIholdGus??") She is a sweet little mother to the baby brother, but a cranky pants with her twin... declaring " I AM OLDER THAN YOU!!" Gotta love that 28 pound 4 year old's moxy. Gus is rolling from belly to back, and alllllllmost from his back to his belly. He says " bababababababa" every morning to wake me up. Then he smiles a big toothless grin, and I know that this day will be grand. He loves his blanket (which I have named " love.") Gus is a champion thumb sucker. He's a good napper and a great nighttime sleeper. I am getting ready to introduce solid foods to the wee one.He LOVES bananas. Everytime I eat something he sticks his hand in my mouth, or physically bats things off of my fork or out of my hand. I think he's trying to tell me something. I better follow him. Gus has a natural mohawk,loves the word " stinky" ( makes him belly laugh) and the patience of a saint when it comes to Millie and Holden always up in his chicken. My panic attacks have slowed down to maybe one every other day if I am lucky. Which is cool, much better than the 40-50 mini panic attacks I was having each night~ back in the peak of my PPD. Exhausting. It's been a year since I found out I was pregnant. What a year! I had a weird dream last night that I was pregnant again. I woke up in a cold sweat. :) Parker works his butt off. He lost 12 lbs on the South Beach diet. He is lookin' cute. Right now Millie is with my mom getting a little " one on one attention." She needs it. A naked little boy just walked in and said ," Whatcha doin'?" ( which is code for " Daddy wants to play on the computer. Give it up. + it's time for my bath.) I better scoot my fruit.

Parker and His Mini Me

2006-05-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, I guess they do look alike after all. I have been thinkin' that Gus looks more like my dad than anyone, but this pretty much clinches it. Gus looks like his daddy.

Surviving a haircut, 101

2006-05-19T07:21:00.000-07:00

I think I have to admit it. My children are growing up right before my eyes. I took Millie and Holden to get their first ( professional) haircuts on Wednesday. I have been battling the idea of giving up control to another person for quite some time now. I have been weilding scissors over Holden's hair for 4 years now. There's something about the creative control that I MUST own. Alas, I gave in and made an appointment with a children's salon here in town. I was one of those ANNOYING parents, ( I never thought I'd be) watching like a hawk over this poor woman's shoulder. Carol ( stylist) was very patient with me... and my flashing camera.( I ended up taking over 200 pictures... obsess much?Jeesh) Millie ended up getting about 6" taken off. It's a little shorter than I'd like it to be, but it's for the best. Her hair was so broken and split at the ends. Both kids were hesitant about getting their hair cut. Holden said, " Mom, you're not going to sob are you?" ( remember back in december when I lobbed off his locks for Parker's Christmas gift?") Millie flashed a major sad face, and tears welled up in her eyes. She said very quietly, " Mama, I don't wanna get a haircut." ( while she choked back the tears... big lip sticking out) I said, " welp Peanut, your hair isn't going to grow much longer if we don't trim off the end a little bit.It'll be fun, you'll see."( as I tried to keep the tears from welling up in my eyes.) She agreed, and sat very still. It's funny how much thicker her hair looks and feels now. Holden was unphased by the haircut. He did however like sitting in the cool chair. Sometimes I think I'm a big weirdo. I am a complete control freak about how my children's hair looks and their person al style... but when I go to the salon to get my hair cut, I say , " Have at it. I trust you." I always leave looking temporarily cool. ( After I wash it.. I always go right back to " Mom hair.") I have had every color under the rainbow.( including silver and bronze) I have shaved my head pretty much bald. I have had extensions to my butt. I have permed, straightened, and attempted dreads. Maybe one day my kids will experiment with their looks. I'm down with that. Watch~ They'll keep their hair trimmed and neat... and properly highlighted. That would be my luck. :)

too perfect

2006-05-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

We found the most perfect t-shirt for our Wee Angus. I'm sure Angus Young would be proud. I knew "Tiny" would be born a natural rocker.

Mornings at our house

2006-05-15T08:08:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know us well, you know this very simple fact: WE ARE NOT MORNING PEOPLE. When Scarlett became part of Parker and my life, I remember saying ," hey, a puppy will help us get up and go in the mornings!" 2 months later, I find Parker and Scarlett the puppy all snuggled up still in bed @ 2 pm... after I returned from Core, and that dumb "mirrors used in fine art in history." class I was forced to take. ( dumb academic credits) I digress. After 2 months of dog ownership we had trained our puppy not to be a morning person either. Jump ahead 5 years. Millie and Holden are born. We are thrown into the baby machine. Change, feed,burp, sleep, play, cry,sleep,feed,cry,sleep,change,feed,..... repeat. ( 20 times a day... not necessarily in that order.. but remember to multiply that by 2. )By the time Millie and HIP were 10 months old, they were sleeping until 11 am. I was told by a person who shall remain nameless, " Oh my God, wake those kids up and get on with your day." Um, NO. Waking up babies is against my religion. I do not wake up babies. I certainly do not wake up twins if I don't have to. Millie and Holden did not wake up before 10 am ( unless forced to ) until they started going to school. Jump to today. Today was like most days. Gus giggles and wiggles in his bassinet @ about 6 am. ( he typically sleeps from 9pm-6am.) I peer over with one eye open . He catches my gaze and smiles a toothless smile. I pick him up and smell his divine baby smell, and squeeze him tight. I walk him to the bathroom and lay him in his happy place( the counter on a pillow wrapped in fleece. )He loves this place so much. I think it's because the mirror allows him to check out his rad baby self while I wipe him and change his stinkers. He typically grabs his peep, and I panic because I haven't cut his fingernails in awhile. Gus winds up into a massive crying fit. I change the diaper in 10 seconds flat and pick him up, wherein he stops crying immediately. I walk over to my side of the bed, lay him on a cloth diaper. Gus wails because I can't whip my boob out fast enough. Parker moans and rolls over. I pop the booby in the crying baby mouth and the child suckles for an HOUR. I love every second of it. 7 am: After popping all of my pills and brushing the teeth. I roll downstairs to pack to lunches. I make 1 pb&j. cut in half. Cut up an orange pepper, place in baggies. Wash and cut up some sort of fruit. fish throught the drawer of granola bars for bags of cookies. Get overpriced, organic chocolate and strawberry milks out of fridge. I try to draw something of interest on a small love note for each lunch box. I rememer the days where I used to draw small masterpieces for my kids' lunchboxes, so they knew I loved them more than the world, and I wasn't forcing them into school because I didn't want them around, I just knew they were ready. Back to today. I write I heart you Holden, and I heart you Millie a with a simple drawing in marker and slap each note in the lunches.. knowing that I could still draw if I wanted to.. but I just don't have the time anymore. I place the lunchboxes at the back door. Stop off at the computer to check the weather.. so I don't dress the peeps inappropriately for the day. I mosey back upstairs, kiss each 4 1/2 year old child on the head and say " 2 minutes." I pick out outfits, unders, and socks. I say , " okay up and at'em." I hear a wraspy voice whipser from under the covers, " where are we going?" I say " school." I hear, " I'm not going to school." I say.. uh yes you are.. you love school." I hear a very clear, " NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I'M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL." I think to myself, UG. I hear, " Holden first." Then I hear another different wraspy voice from under the other set of covers, " Millie." Then it's back and forth. " holden, " Millie, " holden..." and I finally say, " Let's get dressed at the same time. " I hear , "NO." ( simultaneously) In walks groggy Parker with fussy Gus. I take fussing baby. He cheers up. Kids sit in beds, hair every direction, sweaty. I say, " please get dressed. " they say , " no." I say.. " okay I'm getting a little annoyed." they say " we're not going to school." I say, " I gotta go get your breakfasts ready. ( time check: 8:30) I freak out. " Get dressed and come downstairs." ( in my mommy voice. I have forgotten how to be nice. I didn't yell.. I just said it while clentching my teeth. Baby is crying. Kids are WAILING, " NO MOMMY!!! HELP USSSSSSSSSSS!" I say , " nope. get dressed." Millie literally jumps into her clothes, picks out shoes and flies down the steps. Holden sits in bed screaming. I calmly walk to the steps and say. " GET OUT OF BED. PICK UP YOUR CLOTHES AND SHOES. WALK TO THE STAIRS. WALK DOWN THE STEPS. I AM DONE WITH THIS NONSENSE." Holden walks downstairs. Sits at the table. Eats his cereal. Baby is now crying. I nurse baby while kids eat. Baby falls asleep. I take him to up his crib. Just as I am leaving the room, Millie and Holden come upstairs and scream something about how Millie looked at Holden and he didn't like it. Millie stomps her foot and spits. Baby wakes up crying. Holden cries. I'm on the verge of crying. Husband is in Shower. Time check: 8:55. I sigh. They should be in the car. I take fussy baby downstairs. Parker is making scrambled eggs. Mutters something about me not having time to make him breakfast. I raise my eyebrows higher than my hairline and tell myself not to dump scrambled eggs on his head. I put holden's shoes on while I hold the fussy overtired baby, and listen to how " Superkitty and Danny Phantom are going to save us from the bad guys,"( in one ear) and How " Alexa has a cool pair of brown flip flops."( in the other ear) Parker says , " Call sears. The dishwasher is broken." Grrr. Fine. Fine.. no big deal. I kiss my children. Holden says, " Mom, you know I love you." I said, You know I love YOU too pal. He smiles and walks to the door. Millie hugs me and kisses me. I know they will have a good day. I walk back upstairs and nurse the babe . He falls asleep in the calm. I call Sears. As I wait on hold for 30 minutes, a crazy robin pecks on the office window. Just as the operator picks up, the baby wakes up crying. Good timing. I sigh and go back upstairs and try to talk and take care of fussy babe at the same time. Today was pretty much like any other day ( minus the broken dishwasher.) I'm thinking about joining the circus. ( one without animals ;) )I think I'm pretty qualified.

and the worst mother of the year award goes to....

2006-05-13T17:14:00.000-07:00

The worst mother of the year award goes right to : Me. After a week of HIP telling me " Mom, for mother's day, we're giving you and Gus a bathing suit." I did actually have a visual of me wearing Gus in one of the cups of my bikini top. A bathing suit where you can actually tuck the baby in with you is not a half bad idea, really. I'm sure an attachment parent somewhere will invent it one of these days. Back to the point. HIP started talking about this mother's day gift on Tuesday. This morning, there was a lot of whispering about mother's day surprises and the like. As Parker was getting ready for the day, HIP was jumping in and out of our bath tub.. I stated, " Please do NOT buy me a bathing suit Parker, I like to try them on, and these things ( pointing to my boobs) are a little different than they used to be." Parker's face melted with sadness. He said " Ame, when I asked the kids what we should get you for Mother's day, Holden said ' a bathing suit for Mommy and Gus!!' and he hasn't stopped talking about it since. He's so excited." After I realized the magnitude of the statement I had made, I corrected myself by saying, " Please get me a black bathing suit, okay?" I hope I didn't crush poor little HIP. Bad mommy. Bad, bad, mommy.

his happy place

2006-05-08T06:46:00.000-07:00

Here we are. This people, is where Gus is happy. It seems that if Gus is put in any other place, he cries. Gus can sleep in this pouch for hours upon end. The minute I put him down he wakes up screaming. Gus sleeps in the carrier through: folding laundry, doing dishes, playtime with Millie and Holden, when Millie and Holden argue ( which seems to be more and more these days) and the rest of what makes our life absolutely crazy. Gus seems to like chaos. HAHA! In my attempts to become more organized... I have become completely overwhelmed with amount of crap we have in our home and it's level of disorganization. I go to friends' houses and leave feeling so blue and overwhelmed because I know that I have to return to the state of affairs I call my home. It seems that the more I try, the worse it gets. I find myself arguing with myself ( and my inner voices) over which pile of crap gets precedence over the other. I feel like I'm spreading myself too thin with the crap piles ( some literally ( thanks to Ruby Jones) ) the laundry piles, the toy piles, mail piles, and the piles and lists of things that need to be done floating around in my head. Add in the two 4 year olds who deserve time with their mom other than following her around cleaning up while she's complaining that other people have clean homes.. why can't she? I know things could be way worse. Once, just once I'd like to come into my house and not sigh, because eventhough I spent the greater part of the day working hard to get things put away/ washed/folded/ organized, it doesn't look like I've done a thing in weeks. How do "those people" do it? How do they keep things so orderly? I know that being a mom is supposed to be challenging... but how come I can't seem to put this stuff on hold for a little while and appreciate how good things really are, instead of laboring over the things I find that are bad?

2006-05-08T06:45:00.000-07:00

3 Months

2006-05-04T06:24:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm being brave and putting a picture of my lil' Gus on the ol' blog. At 3 months of age Gus seems to developing into quite a little man. He talks and mimics our sounds. He has an infectious belly laugh. He's sleeping through the night. He loves Millie and Holden. He thinks it's funny when Ruby Jones licks his face. He has discovered his hands, and has held on to a toy for a few minutes. In my attempts to keep things simple for him, he doesn't get a lot of outright stimulation.. so when he hears the TV he becomes quite pensive. He is still very attached to his mama, but will tolerate other people holding him for a few minutes here and there. My back is getting quite strong. He weighs in at 13lbs 1 oz. ( as much as Millicent Susan weighed @ 13 months old) My experience with Gus is so different than my experiences with Millie and Holden when they were babies. What a treat, to see how different everyone can be. When people comment on how much Gus looks like his daddy, I agree, but at times I see MY dad in his face. I get lost in Gus a lot. When I should be folding stupid laundry, or clearing the table. I'll look down at my sleeping babe and realize I've been just looking at him for a half an hour. Like my other 2 rock stars, Gus is a very cool little kid. I'm glad he's here.

oy

2006-05-02T08:32:00.000-07:00

I know it's been awhile. It's just that there has been so much going on, I just can't keep up anymore. I had to slack off on something. Well, the blog was the first thing to go. One reason is: the blog freaked me out a little. I knew in the beginning of my blog that strangers were reading my very personal life stories. They were reading about my hopes and dreams and gathering opinions about me and my family. Strangers. That was the part that skeeved me out. Strangers were looking at pictures of my pregnant belly. Strangers were looking at my children. When my PPD kicked in full force, I would sit up at night thinking, " Strangers are looking at my infant." I know the point of blogging is to keep an online journal that anyone can access. Okay fine. Lot's of people do it. LOTS AND LOTS of people do it. When your hormones kick in full force.. and panic suffocates every move you make.. the idea of LOTS and LOTS of people reading personal stuff makes you go a little berzerk. I also know that when I write, it puts my feelings out there, so if anyone wants to help, they can offer opinions, suggestions, and whatever they like. I pretty much have 4 people who comment on my blog. Sometimes I hardly get a comment.. which makes the time spent a the computer a little pointless, I guess. I'm not educating anyone. I'm not pondering poilitics, finances, style, education, religion, medicine, or anything of importance to anyone. I'm just jotting down things that happen here in my own little world. I wasn't sure if anyone wanted to read about my nightly multiple panic attacks. My ability to cry for no reason. My frustration with my two 4 year olds who seemilngly have it out for me. My babe who only wants to be held.. eventhough I have 1 zillion things to do that would make the baby uncomfortable and cry. Life is definitely looking up. The weird thing is : it never looked down per se. It just looked complicated. It is still very complicated, but this is what I wanted. SO I am plugging along in my vortex of disorganization and frustration.. all the while juggling my infant and 2 cranky 4 year olds. I will get through it.. and with a smile on my face dammit, because I am lucky. I have everything I want and more. Now I just have to figure out what to do with it all. :)

I need some pointers here

2006-04-10T07:06:00.001-07:00

As I may have stated in the past, I am enamored by Attachment Parenting. The whole idea of having your baby close to your heart, knowing what your baby needs just by the familiarity of the touch, breastfeeding, and cobedding. I love it's kind gestures. I love it's loving appeal. Here's what I DON'T love: Angus won't let anyone but me hold him. He squeals when his father tries to help. It is frustrating and sad. Parker desperately wants to help me when I am trying to get things done with the other 2 kids... but Gus ONLY wants me. It's crazy. He won't go to my mom... my sister.. and tried to stay with my friend Jude... but it only lasted 2 minutes. I do wear him in a sling pretty much all day because if he is alone~ he cries. He will however transfer to a swing if he's been asleep in the sling for more than 30 minutes. It has become EXHAUSTING. I have a house that looks like a bomb went off.. and because of my obsessive state: I cannot live with toys in everyroom of the house without wigging out. It is hard for me to pick up said toys because if I bend over Baby boy is dumped upside down.. so I have to use one hand for picking things up.. and one hand to hold baby boy in the sling. The attachment parenting has only caused more work for me. I fall asleep @ 9 pm every night. ( I used to stay up until 1am or 2 every night) The breastfeeding is best I know.. but Jeeze Louise, I can't go anywhere by myself. We have to miss one wedding in May... and we are possibly going to turn down another one in July because the exclusive breastfeeding will be messed up for life if I dare to leave him with a sitter and enough bottles to last the night. Please don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't love this stuff. It's just been 10 weeks and I haven't had a moment of alone time. It's bound to wear a girl down. I feel like Millie and Holden are taking the hit the hardest. That part kills me. I am by no means a true AP. I wear my baby 80% of the day. I co-bed before Parker comes to bed at night... and after the 6am feed. Most of all: I use a swing to rock him to sleep @ naptime.SO to all of you APs out there... do you have any pointers to help a girl out with a dream taking place in reality?So, all you true APs.. kudos friends.. you are truly dedicated

I need some pointers here

2006-04-10T07:06:00.000-07:00

a man of many names

2006-03-31T06:35:00.000-08:00

It seems that we are a family who uses nicknames. From " Millie Vanilli" to Hipster.. and now we are adding in a few more just for fun. It is ohh so easy to play with a name like Angus. Parker's friends at work call him " T-Bone." Another friend said that he loves the name Angus.. because it's a good "Beefy" name. ( I cracked up at that one) At dinner I call him " Aspara-Gus." ( this is also what he will be for Halloween this year.) Everytime he gets weighed at the pediatrician's, I call him " Humun-Gus." Now other nicknames are developing per his personality. For instance: since he has massive reflux and barfs constantly, when he spits up on me I call him " Wyatt Urp." When he is on his favorite pillow in our bathroom kickin' it old school, we refer to him as " Sir Kicks a Lot." My favorite ( which I lovingly borrow from Jenny) when he is gassy " Gaseous Clay."When Gus is angry he is called : " Grumpy Gus." Given that Gus is a Parker... he has a tendancy to whine a little.. when this happens I call him " Squeaks." As for now.. as his lays wiggling in the sling on my chest.. I'll call him , " Hungry." Gotta go.

Ba Ba

2006-03-21T08:13:00.000-08:00

Welp, we did it. Gus drank from his first bottle. Okay, it was his third bottle, counting the 2 other ones he had when he was in hospital as jaundice as a baby pumpkin. I blocked those out entirely. Gus latched onto the bottle last night as if he were always bottlefed. He sucked down 3 oz in 2 minutes flat... and I ended up nursing him for 20 minutes on each side right afterward. I'm not sure I got any R&R. I thought maybe giving him a bottle would be HELPFUL. Nope, it was more work than just nursing him. I am glad Parker got to help out though. I know he enjoyed those 2 minutes of unadulterated contact very much. Hey Parker,next time, how 'bout ya change his diaper, put on his pjs and THEN give him the bottle... so you can get the entire effect, will ya? ( wink) Baby steps, I s'poze. All in all I am glad we gave him the bottle. Now we know that if there is an emergency and I can't nurse him, he will do just fine. I am finding it very hard to believe that almost 7 weeks has passed. I can remember being checked into the hospital all pregnant and swollen and scared. I never knew how hard it would be to look back on those days. It's funny how I miss them, eventhough they were hard. Gus seems so big to me now. He is smiling when I kiss his face, and cooing at me when I talk to him. He eats with a vengence and when he sleeps, he looks so peaceful and right. Gus does what Gus wants. Isn't that how it should be? Shouldn't we all be as lucky as babies? I am so proud of my babies for all that they have done and are doing. ( Millie has figured out all of her green sounds in her moveable alphabet, and mastered the binomial cube. ( Montessori speak...and something a mommy should be very proud of) & Holden is sounding out words on sight. It gives me chills to think about all that they have accomplished. )We are so lucky. I am looking forward to days where we sit at the dinner table as a big family and laugh and cry together. For now, I'm gonna go watch my baby boy sleep. I won't get today back, I better enjoy it while I can.

huh? I can't hear you...

2006-03-20T08:49:00.001-08:00

I have a baby screaming in my ear! So it seems that my Gentle Gus... has turned a corner into what my sister calls the "crying peak." I guess he's allowed to air his grievences... but does he have to do so with such "GUSto?" ( thanks for that one Cara) The poor wee man is hoarse from screaming his lil' head off. I remember the days of quiet drunk baby milk smiles, and cooing at the ceiling. Now it's WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BAAA ( deep breath) BAAAAAAAA.. WAHHHHHH ( pant pant pant) (deep breath.. sigh) & that's just what I'm saying! ( okay I'm only saying that sometimes) I have 3 theories on this development: 1) Gus hates to have a dirty or wet diaper. He squeals the second he does either. 2) He's going through a massive growth spurt. 3) I ate onions for the first time since he was born. I forgot all about how gassy onions can make ya. I'm sure the pepperoni I ate on Saturday didn't help either. Note to self: you're not just eating for you these days... be nice to the baby's digestive track. The only thing that makes Gus settle down is : nursing. Hence I have a catfish suckled to my chest pretty much all frikkin' day long. ( remember before Gus was born .. I had nightmares about me delivering a baby that looked like a catfish.. well, it must have been a sign) It's fine... but can a girl get a break? I didn't get into the fact that I had a little trouble with my nip last week. Seems that when Gus was learning that tricky latch back when he was first born.. a small tear developed along the ol' nip. Well, time and diabetes don't help this kind of wound.. so I had to go see Dr. R. ( per advice of my Lactation consultant) I was so embarassed! I had to actually show Dr R my BOOB! He said he could handle it. :) I told him that he HAD to erase the image from his brains forever. He laughed. He's so patient with me. For now I have to wear this nip shield. ( to keep the good girl dry) Very attractive lemme tell ya. The other thing we have decided to do is give Gus one bottle a day. Parker has mentioned that he feels a little left out when it comes to Gus. I understand.. adn frankly I could use a little R&R in the evenings. As much as it pains me to do it ( because I love to watch Gus nurse) I can part with his little mouth so the dad can have some fun too. I mean I feed him 12-13 times a day these days.. I can break away just once a day, right? Someone tell me this is okay!( the PPD makes my guilt o'meter go berzerker!) Okay.. I am off to actually get something accomplished today. Today's goal: write 3 thank you notes and address them. I'm 6 weeks behind.. and I have about 50 to write. Here's my first attempt at following through on my new year's resolution. Let's see how it goes.

Who's down with PPD??? Yeah~ you know me

2006-03-17T05:46:00.000-08:00

Welp... I think it happened. The uncontrollable crying... excessive worry... fear... and laughter.. inability to eat... all rolled up into one. I am either in the beginning of PPD or I am certifiably nuts. Today is looking a little better than yesterday... but it's only 8:30 am anything could happen. I don't want to come off as someone who is complaining about life with a newborn... or being overwhelmed by my growing number of responsibilities. It's a little bit more than that. As I have been bawling my eyes out riddled with fear and loathing... there is no real reason for me to be sad. The weird thing is: As I am crying.. I am thinking about how lucky I am... how much I love my baby, my kids... my husband... the fact that I have seemingly everything I have ever wanted... especially the fact that my dream of carrying a baby came true... but yet: waterworks. I wasn't going to write about this. I was going to keep it to myself. I mean why would I want my family and friends... and those lurkers to know this utterly personal situation I am in right now? Why would I want to let on that not all is well in my world? But I gotta tell ya, I just feel that honesty is the best policy... and I know I'm not the only one out there struggling with this. This is part of the " dream come true " package I WANTED. I WANTED to be pregnant... and such is life post pregnancy I s'poze. Some of us get this... some of us don't. I will tell you : my dreams of having 4 kids are not quite as strong these days. Let's see how I feel in 4 years or so. :) Maybe I'll forget... maybe I won't. Only time will tell. As for now I will push on through each day knowing that I'm not really insane... that it is hornmones making me crazy... and hopefully I will be able to kick this PPD in the ass and stop all this crying about nothing... sooner rather than later. If anyone has any pointers out there. Please don't keep them to yourself. Help a hormonal girl out!

That's a 10-4 good buddy

2006-03-07T15:26:00.000-08:00

10 pounds 4 ounces to be exact. Yepper our "Wee Angus" has morphed into " Humun-Gus." It's no wonder, that kid is on the boob almost every 2 hours. I'm glad it's paying off.. I'm feeling a little like a "noonie" these days. Which segways me right into: noonie or not to noonie?This child obviously needs to suck on something. I'm guessing it's going to be his thumb ( he keeps trying to get his thumb in his mouth, but really only succeeds in punching himself in the eye over and over again... and getting more frustrated) I can't be sure if Gus really needs to eat every hour and a half.. or if I am fulfilling his needs to suck to soothe himself. Now, I'm not opposed to this, don't get me wrong. The idea of pacifying him with a rubber nipple makes me a little squeamish. Remember that it took me 2 years to help MS & HIP kick their habit. Yet: when I idealized the fact that I would be Gus' natural pacifier... I forgot to factor in those hours between dinner and bedtime that are ever so important to MS & HIP. Those hours (shut up.. it takes us a few hours to get MS & HIP all settled down to sleep at night. Hey, it's fun having a twin to tear it up and play until you literally fall asleep) have been the hours of attention they have always gotten that I believe actually meant something to each of them. They get to pick their own stories... not share which bed they sleep in and snuggle the mama. I value that time as wwell obviously. Now they have a baby brother who seems to want to play " howler monkey" from about 7- 11pm. Don't go thinkin' that Gus is screaming constantly for 4 hours... it's just that that's when he awake.. and he seems to fuss when I try to get everything all quiet. It really isn't helping the nighttime routine. I know that I will get better at the nursing and scheduling, but it has been noticeably hard on the 2 older peeps. Our pediatrian is "pro- pacifier." He says that thumb sucking is so hard to break. I'm gonna have to agree with him there. Once MS & HIP decided that they were ready to give up their noonies, they did it, and they never looked back. I will shamelessly admit that I have indeed put a noonie is Gus' mouth, but only when he was content. I haven't popped the ol' rubber neeple ( a la Ren and Stimpy) in there when he's screaming. Here's what I have noticed: he doesn't really like the noonie... but sucks on it nevertheless. He LOVES his thumb.. but it takes a half an hour to get his hand relaxed enough to actually get his thumb in there... which makes him MAD. His soothing technique of choice: my boob. This is fine during the day.. but I'm starting to wonder if I'm establishing a bad habit here. I feel awful for Millie and Holden. Millie said to me the other night, " Mom, if you finish feeding Gus soon, can you come back and snuggle us?" ( as she sat in her little bed with the light of the nightlight lighting up her long hair.) My heart broke, because I knew there wasn't a chance in hell I was going to be back when they were still awake. Sigh. I am in quite a pickle here. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Flyin' Solo

2006-03-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

Today was THE day. The day I do this mother of 3 thing without any help. I was awakened by the most effective alarm clock known to man: a whiney baby. Time check~ 5:45 am. Good. I changed Angus' diaper and fed him. He ate for about 30 minutes. Perfect. I hopped in the shower. All clean. Angus laid on a pillow on the floor of the bathroom swatting at who knows what and kicking his feet furiously while I dried off and got ready for the day. Gus must have noticed that I was getting comfortable, so he started to cry. Knowing I had plenty of time, I popped him back on the boob and enjoyed watching him drink with his eyes fixated on mine. He ate for another 20 minutes. Okay still good... I had plenty of time. I have to leave the house w/ 3 kids who have been changed and fed on all different levels by 8:45 to make "carpool" at the kids' school. Time check: 7 am. Okay still plenty of time. I tried to apply a layer of make up to my tired face, only to have the baby's hysterical crying as my morning theme music. ( man is it hard to sing along with that... but I am starting to learn the words) Hubby asks ( from under the covers while hitting the snooze button for the 100th time,) " why is he crying?" I glare at him in disgust and say , " I dunno." Hubby responds, " did you feed him?" I raise my left eyebrow wayyyy above my bangs... and swear to myself not to kill him. I finish up and go to the big kids' room and start the morning countdown. Both kids seem to almost listen to me. A seemingly overfed and relfuxy baby hurls on my black shirt. I wipe it off and continue on...I get the two version 1.0 out of bed... and downstairs for breakfast. I accidentally dripped syrup on Gus' head.. but he didn't seem to mind. I guess he figured that he has thrown up on me about 300 times since Sunday... he owes me one. Amazingly I got all 3 kids and myself out the door by 8:50. Not bad. Not bad at'tall. Drop off went smoothly at the kids' school. I drove into the city. I had an appointment with a graphic designer to help with the design of Angus' birth announcement. I arrived 30 minutes early... perfect to sneak in that mid morning feed. Angus ate... and I popped him into the pouch. He was fast asleep.Two thumbs up. I told a woman that I was there to meet with one of the designers. I was informed that she was "running late." An hour later...I was told, " ya know, she's not a morning person." I thought to myself..."I'm no morning person... but I've been up since 5:45... what's her excuse?" grr. I left. Gus barfed on me. I wiped it off. So far the day had been fine... but that annoyed me. Gus and I went home together.We spent some time just staring at each other. I told him that he was my dream come true. He barfed on my mouth after I kissed him. Now that's love! I picked up MS & HIP at 3 o'clock and drove home. I was so proud. I didn't mess up! 2 minutes after we walked in the door, HIP locked the bathroom door and shut it so MS couldn't get in.A skuffle ensued. I kindly broke it up... and HIP apologized. ( The bathroom is still locked.I'm not quite sure how we're going to unlock it.) Afterwhile I decided to check my e-mail. A few minutes later, MS walks into the office holding Angus.( she had taken him out of his carseat) I quickly put my hand over my mouth so I didn't squeal and scare the bejesus out of her. She said, " I only hit his head one time on the floor." She was so proud. I was proud too. This day could have been a lot worse. I loved every minute of it. Let's see how we do tomorrow.

Master of the Random thought

2006-03-03T17:46:00.000-08:00

Holden has always had this ability to perplex us with some of the things he says. Back in the day, when the kids were about 2 years old we had quite a time getting them into bed one night when we were at the beach. Holden screamed his head off for hours no matter what we did. I laid in bed with him, rubbed his back, patted his bottom, sang to him, rocked him, swayed him with no avail. Parker and I took shifts... and nothing seemed to work. At about 2 am I gave up. I was willing to let him run willie nillie around the house until he passed out. Parker is more careful than I so he took him into the bedroom and sat in the dark with him. After HOURS of screaming, there was silence. I walked into the room very quietly and Parker was smiling. I said, "uh, what's going on?" Parker responded, " Holden just said, ' Dad, I like olives.' and he went to sleep." See what I mean? Random thought. Well, tonight as we sat at the dinner table, Holden commented on how Ruby is lonely. Holden said, " Ruby needs a friend that's made out of dog." Another Holdenism: while looking down my dad's throat with a flashlight... he said, " Pop Pop, lemme look down your drain." See what I mean? He has such a way with words. I hope he never loses that. It's hilarious.

kinda sad

2006-03-02T05:53:00.000-08:00

I can't tell if the ol' hormones are kickin' back in, or if yesterday was just kinda sad all around. Let me start at the beginning. I had an appointment with my dietician at Dr. R's office yesterday. (Remember~ these are the people I saw every 7 days for 17 weeks) I was prepared to go in and see everyone; especially my friend who works in the lab... remember she taught me the word "ticklebits?" When I walked in, the first few people we saw were so excited to see me and meet Gus. It was a warm feeling. Strangely enough, I was glad to be at my doctor's office. Sometimes I am weird... but that's not the point. I was glad to be in a familiar place. This all came to a screetching hault when I found out that my friend from the lab stopped working at the office. "Wh-wh-wh-where'd she go???" Sniff. I asked... "why did she leave??" ( loaded with panic and disappointment) I was told in a very hushed voice... " we had to make some cuts... we're all pretty sad about the changes." ( I was on the verge of crying) I REALLY wanted my friend to meet Gus! I REALLY wanted her to hold him so I could take her picture. I KNOW these things happen... but I'm not good at dealing with change. Off to a meeting at the kids' school. There have been some changes made to some things at school that have caused a few eyebrows to furrow and a lot of questions to be asked. Basically the parents staged a revolt and stormed the castle. I stood in the back of the room, and didn't get the entire story because people kept making a fuss over Gus.. which was nice... but I couldn't pay attention to the various points being made. I will say : (oh, I FYI.. I was sorta hired as the " art teacher" last year for the kids' school. Given my CRAZY doctor's appointment schedule for the last 2 trimesters.. I was only able to carry out one real project... but had planned on returning this spring to fulfill the "art teacher role.") I shook a little because The first thing addressed were the " specialists" at the school ( ie: art teacher... and the like) Of course the woman running the show starts out by saying" The art teacher hasn't been here because she, uh, well because of her new baby.... bla bla bla..." She then went on to explain that most of the speicalists have small children etc... and the schedules have been a little relaxed due to family commitments. She mentioned that one of the specialists didn't have kids and tried to make thing lighter by saying " She doesn't have kids... thank goodness!"( laughing under her breath with a sigh of relief...) OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT. Now I know she was under fire... and I know she thought she was funny... but that statement felt like she was running a business... not a loving school environment.Anyways she segway'd right into one very important person... in the community... who just had a babe... who informed the community yesterday that she isn't coming back in the fall. My heart dropped. I just hept hearing " she won't be returning in the fall and we are working on finding a replacement. " ( Hey important person in the community... I know you read my blog... so I sincerely want to add: I am thrilled for you that you will able to stay at home and get to experience the little one. I couldn't be happier for you. I'm just sad for us. You understand, right? Please say you do.)I'd say that ( what I got from the meeting.. it wa a little hard w/ people fussing over Gus) things were discussed, and the changes being made in the school were explained. So in less than 3 hours 2 major changes were made. These changes aren't extreme... they're just changes.. and when you're overtired.. change is hard. I had my good boy Gus with me all day. He was a real trooper. It seems that he has his first cold. Poor lil' man. I'm taking him to the pediatrician today because his little cough sounds a little scary to me... it's just a little too chesty for me to ignore. Given that MS & HIP had bronchitis last week and were licking his little face every chance they got, and Parker has" the sickness" it doesn't surprise me. I am so sad for baby Gus ( yes I'm sad for the rest of my family as well... it's just that this is Gus' FIRST cold.) I really thought we could wait longer than a month to get our first cold. NOT FAIR! Gus slept on my chest last night all night. I was terrified to put him down. He is so snotty and goopy... and he coughs a lot. I just wanted him near me. Plus there's nothin' better than a snuggly baby to help soothe that awful anxiety attack. Ch-CH-Ch-Changes.......

Torpedos

2006-02-27T16:26:00.000-08:00

Back in the day(high school to be exact) my group of friends, lovingly called: The Beverlys... or "The Bevs" for short, had a breast sizing system. The sizes ranged from :"torpedo tits" all the way down to "gun powder". "Bullets" and "bee bees" ( or however you spell it) were the mid range and smaller size. I had : torpedo tits. When I was in high school, I was well, let's just say bigger than I am today. It wasn't a big deal really, I was just 5' tall... and weighed well over 150 lbs. It was the beginning of my kidney disease... where I retained every ounce of fluid I ate or drank all over my entire body. I wasn't flabby or out of shape... quite the opposite... I was just that one portly girl on the lacrosse team and tennis team that everyone loved. I was happy... and perky... and when I say perky, I mean all over. My "torpedos" rested somewhere in my neck. The girls hadn't dropped. The rack stood pround and strong, and BIG. After I got my diabetes in better control... and was put on a slew of diaretics and ace inhibitors... I lost the weight, and and my D sized lovelies shrunk to a big A or a small B. I saw them as manageable... and much sexier than the huge tracks of land I had in the past. When I got pregnant I knew something was up. The thing that was up was the size of my boobs. I swelled up to a 40 D. After Angus was born I spent the first few weeks being engorged... and trying to figure out breast feeding and the like. I noticed that the nursing bras I bought for the ol' hospital bag were a tad snug. I went to Motherhood Maternity today to actually buy some nursing shirts and some new bras. I am not.. shall we say, uh~ discreet when it comes to nursing... maybe a few new bras and a coupla shirts actually designed for breastfeeding would help a shy girl out. The lady who worked in the store asked me if I needed to get measured. I gladly accepted her offer. She said " you should be wearing a 36 E." WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? D-d-d-did she just say the letter E?! Good-NESS! I never thought I'd ever go that large! I'm almost as big as my Dolly!( back when she was in middle school ;) ) The great news is that I obviously was put on this Earth to nurse a baby with these things. Boobs... not just for holding up bikini tops anymore.

Dizzy are you out there?

2006-02-26T16:32:00.000-08:00

Here we find Angus channelling the late great Dizzy Gillespie. With cheeks like these we can only hope that he grows to be a world renowned trumpet player. :)

Week 3... am I getting the hang of this yet?

2006-02-26T07:10:00.000-08:00

Before I get into life w/ baby & 2 four year olds: I saw the Lactation Consultant on Friday morning. She was very cool, and very supportive of my concerns. Her first opinion was that Gus doesn't have reflux. She asked when he seems to pull off and arch his back when he eats. I told her about 2 -3 minutes into the feed. She said that in her opinion, he wasn't refluxing. (because he will eat for 20 minutes at a time w/out signs of pain) She believes that I have a monster of a "let down" and Gus probably gets a mouthful of milk very quickly, and has to pull off and gag and choke because he's getting too much at once, not refluxing. The other issue is: After he pulls off ( due to the "let down") he doesn't re-establish his wide opened mouth latch.. because he probably doesn't want another mouthful of milk, so he keeps his lips closer together, as to not allow the large quantities of milk to choke him again. She said that he was probably guarding himself. Makes perfect sense to me. It made so much sense to me that I stopped giving him that god awful zantac. ( I will discuss this w/ Dr. G on Monday) Gus' voice isn't hoarse anymore, and he eats willingly for 20-30 minutes. I THINK I MIGHT be getting the hang of this breastfeeding stuff. Gus is back up to his birth weight( 9#4 oz) and is 21 1/2 " long. I cna't believe I grew a baby of his size in my body. He must have been so smooshed! I was laughing last night when Millie wanted to carry him across the room. I said, "MS Gus weighs almost half as much as you do.. and he's only 3 weeks old. :)" Any bets on when Gus passes Millie? I bet it'll be within the first year.

Now: Life in this house:
My mom went home for a nice weekend with my dad and to spend some time with some of her friends. She left at 3pm on Friday. At approximately 3:05 I had to feed Gus. MS & HIP were playing with some wooden blocks in the family room " building a city." At approximately 3:07 MS freaked out ( over nothing from what I can tell) and kicked over HIP's buildings, and growled at him. HIP immediately started to cry. MS bitch slapped him. I calmly stated: "we do not do this in our house." MS SCREAMED, " YOU'RE NOT COMING TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!GRRRRRRRSQUEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I said, " Little one, you better get your act together. I know you are angry, but this is not a nice way to talk to anyone. Do you want to tell me what is going on , so I can help?" MS: " NOOOOOOOOOO! AHHHHHGRRRRRRR!" Okay... tick tock tick tock... Me: " Millie Sue, I think you might need to go upstairs for a little while and think about how to be nice to people. MS : "" I'm not going upstairs." Me: ( getting close to my breaking point) You do not have a choice anymore, you will go ustairs for 5 minutes." " MS: " No I won't!" Me : (at the point where I can see a downward spiral of screaming developing) ... silence... angry face. " MILLICENT GET UPSTAIRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Oh man...it happened. I lost my cookies because my kid didn't listen to me. Where did my " kinder gentler way of parenting" go? I'm not a parent who compares her children to other children. I'm not a person who likes to be compared to others because I want to be my own person, not one of the herd. As I say that, I also want the elusive respect I see other kids give their parents when they speak. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not proud of Millie for standing firm on her feelings... because I have never been able to do that. I always victimize the other person, and give in. It's my nature to not be confrontational. When in a resturant, if I find a short and curly ( yes... that kind of short and curly... and yes it did happen to me)hair in my mashed potatoes on the first bite, I calmly gag and push the plate away. Nothing is ever mentioned. I internally deal, and a fuss is never made. I have friends who will ask to move tables in a resturant because the woman sitting behind us is wearing perfume that is too strong. Ya know what? That is totally cool... as long as I'm not the one doing the complaining... but I digress: Millie is a strong little woman with a HOT temper. I am currently trying to figure out how to teach her that while it is definitely okay to be angry... growling and screaming threats louder than a howler monkey is pretty much frowned upon in society. So, back to the story, I have one kid WAILING because he was un-invited to his twin sister's birthday party for the thousand'th time in one day... a long haired,skinny pterodactyl screaming at the top of her lungs, and a baby vacuumed to my right boob... listening to his first argument on the "outside." I felt so bad for Gus... he was sucking away... with his brow all furrowed. I kept telling myself... " find your happy place, find your happy place..." I finally got Millie to go upstairs. She sat up there yelling " how much longer?????!!!" Once I yelled back " until you're 18 and then you can go get your own place!" Oh man! How is she so much like me??? It is so frustrating sometimes. I feel bad for her because I can only imagine that the reason this all started was because HIP built something she 1) didn't like, or 2) was jealous she couldn't build something like that. NOW: stretch that temper tantrum into an entire weekend.. yes people... she has been like this since friday afternoon. I needless to say am a little worn out. I know that MS's little life is changing these days, and I should allow for some frustration... so I will continue to figure out how to communicate and see eye to eye with my 26 pound 4 year old prize fighter. Gus Gus seems to think that is is cool to be awake ( and happy) from about 2 am - 6 am. Just kickin' and talkin' to the ceiling... and asking to eat out of boredom. Ahhhh yes... I have become a " pacifier"... in every way Let's see how week 4 goes.

We're all good.

2006-02-21T16:58:00.000-08:00

It seems that eventhough Gus mayyyy have an incorrect latch... he is getting enough calories to hold him over. Gus weighed 9lbs 1 oz today! Yes indeedy he gained one half a pound in 7 days. So we're not using the "s" word in our vocabulary... at least not right now. :) It was discovered that Gus has a touch of the reflux. I noticed that his little voice was a little hoarse... and he arches a lot when he eats. Back when M& H were babes... I would have freaked out and called as soon as I heard any change in their voices... but I wasn't as quick to diagnose Gus with reflux due to his size. ( M&H both were relfuxing fools until they were 1. We speak reflux very fluently. ) As much as I hate it.. Gus was put on zantac. Hopefully this will do the trick and he will grow out of it soon. Dr. G. said that he couldn't be happier with Gus' health. He said that Gus is looking great and gave me the old standard, " Keep up the good work." I am still planning on going to see the lactation consultant in the morning, just to make sure that I am working these boobies the right way, and I'm not wasting anyone's time... especially Gus'.

Last night was a real eye opener: I ( accidentally ) fell asleep @ 11pm while feeding Gus. Parker woke me up @ 2:30. I got up and got ready for bed... and fed the wee one. As I was finishing up the 3 0'clock feed, in walked a very warm... and very sleepy Holden. Seems that his fever spiked back up, and the " coughs" were keeping him awake. I put G back in the bassinet, and got to work on the older boy variety. I medicated /hydrated/and snuggled him back into dreamland. I woke up in a toddler bed @ 6:45.. walked myself back to my bed... woke up @ 7 for the 7 o'clock feed. I sat up @ 9:45 very groggy, but somehow glad that I did it.. and I didn't even cry. Maybe just maybe I'm going to be able to do this after all.

Due date.

2006-02-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

February 20th was Gus' due date. It was kind of weird to look back on my pregnancy yesterday. I coincidentally had an appointment w/Dr. L. It was nice to see her. I had a little seperation anxiety from her/ Georgetown hospital. Think about it... I was there 4 times a week for the last 2 months of my pregnancy. I got used to my surroundings. Anyways...Dr. L checked my incision... and checked my head to see if i have PPD. Everything checked out okay... and I was sent on my way. I am going to make an appointment w/ a lactation consultant today. I am afraid that Gus' latch isn't quite right... and i'm not getting enough milk into him. Today is the official "weigh in" @ Dr. G's. Hopefully G is gaining weight... or I'm sure I'll hear the "s" word. Everyone keep their fingers crossed... and think heavy thoughts.

unconditional

2006-02-21T08:20:00.000-08:00

I hope he never makes me stop doing this to him. Okay... it might look a little weird when he's 30 years old... but you know what I mean.

We're Fockerizing

2006-02-19T12:46:00.000-08:00

I'm not trying to look for reasons to question the way I parent. I'm not even sure I agree w/ all the AP opinions etc... I do know that I am trying a calmer.. more soothing way to raise my children than I did in the past. With a little bit of research and the ability to count to ten in my head before screaming my head off... I really want to try the elusive attachment parenting. Problem is: am I setting myself up? I LOVE wearing Gus. LOVE IT. He gets all squished up in the fetal position... and rests his head on my boobs for hours, while he's in the pouch. I prefer not to put him in a swing. ( eventhough Millie and Holden spent probably 70% of their days as babies in swings as I tried to learn how to be their mommy.) No loud music. ( eventhough Millie and Holden rocked out to Southern Culture on the Skids pretty much all day... since it was the one thing that calmed them down) I HATE to hear him cry ( eventhough when Millie and Holden were babies I would not allow anyone to touch them for 30 minutes as they learned to "self soothe." ) I'm not sure Gus has ever cried for more than 40 seconds while I changed his diaper, and when he does fuss.. I just say, " what's the fuss Gus? " and he stops and looks for my face. He has never been instructed to " self soothe" and when given the oppertunity, Gus lays next to me in bed while I nurse him quietly telling him how much I love him. What happened to me? Why was I so " hard" on Millie and Holden.. but totally protective of Gus? WHy was I uncomfortable telling Millie and Holden that I loved them until they were well over 1 year old? Maybe I realized that life is hard... and children should look to their parents as a support network-vs- dictators. Maybe I was so terrified to lose Millie and Holden ( due to their rocky start) that I was a tough ass out of defense?Maybe the bond was harder to establish because Susan carreid them? ( I HOPE that is not the reason!) I don't know... but I will tell you: I feel guilty about my past parenting style. I have been told by a few people to "put him down" to sleep.. "so he gets used to it." My argument there is : His actual due date isn't until tomorrow. If he were still inside of me, he'd feel movements and hear my voice. I can't imagine feeling certain movements, and hearing one person's voice as long as my ears worked... and all of a sudden have to " learn" ( by my own defenses) how to sleep on my back... and cry.. and hear other people's voices up close and personal. I know that in time I will want to put Gus down. For now I want to ease everyone into the transition... KINDLY. I don't want to bark " I am doing this my way... leave me alone!" to the people trying to help me. They aren't saying these things to start trouble. I know they are trying to help. Hey, if I'm willing to allow Gus to use my boob as his pacifier from 1:45AM - 4:45 AM... that's my choice, right? I could EASILY pop a noonie in his mouth... but, where's the kindness in that? Parker isn't into the co-bedding-baby wearing- cloth diapering thing as much as I am... but he doesn't disrespect the choices I am making. I am thankful for him. I know things feel a little rocky, but I bet in a few weeks I'll have this down pat. For now I'll nod my head and smile... and know that if I wanna wear my baby until he asks me to put him down ... I can do that. Parker and I like to joke and say " we're Fockerizing Gus." ( if you don't get that one.. go watch the movie " Meet the Fockers." HILARIOUS) We'll do what's right for us... and save up for Gus' therapy along the way.

2 weeks gone by

2006-02-17T17:12:00.000-08:00

I think there is a cruel irony about the weeks post partum. Why is it that the ol' pregnancy hormones hit ya a week after the delivery? I mean, think about it, I had to carry this little guy( shut up, I know he's huge... but it's all relative right?) for 37 weeks to finally meet him... and for the weeks following his birth.. I am riddled with fear and anxiety. Now,I hold him and look at him pretty much all day... and it is just now that I am able to see his inate beauty. I revel in his babyness and the spectacle that is all him. I get lost in the sounds of his breathing and the smell of his hair. I love when he tries to latch onto my lips and I take the oppertuity to kiss him all over his face. I get sad because I think back to the week we came home from the hosptial and I remember how troubled I felt about having a new baby. I want that week back! DO over! I don't think Gus minds... as long as I hold him and give him my boobs when he asks. I don't remember the power of being a new mom to Millie and Holden. I remember being kind of scared, but proud of my responsibility... and really played down the twin card... make believing that it was " easy." Gus is easy. Gus cries when I change his diaper... and when he is hungry. Other than that he is the wunkerkind baby I totally don't deserve. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have been given this oppertunity. What a totally amazing experience. A few days ago I realized that I now have 3 children... who rock my world more each day. What did I do to deserve this?

Pouch glorious pouch

2006-02-17T10:55:00.000-08:00

Jennifer what would I do without you? Yes friends, my friend Jen ( Jenny to me and a handful of others) Makes these absolutely amazing pouch slings. I cannot tell you how amazing they are... you have to find out for yourself. Scoot yer fruit on over to http://www.bellalinabambina.com and order up a slew of them today! You'll thank me for it. I tried very hard to wear Millie and Holden when they were babies.. but they were so small, they would get all swallowed up in the fabric. Given " Tiny's" girth.. he fits in this thing jusssst right. There are days where Gus is in it for 3-4 hours and he is snoozin' the entire time. He gets mad when I take him out to feed him. One of these days I'll figure out how to nurse him while he is IN the pouch. :) Baby steps... I just figured out how to get the kid to latch on without cussing my head off because it hurts so badly. I will say.. I think poor Baby Gus gets a little confused when his little face is up against my boobs. A few times he has literally bounced ( yes just like a ball) his face off of my boobies over and over again.. getting madder by the second because there is just no nipple to be found.. and I am obviously wearing him just to tease him. The pouch has also saved his life. Remember that two 4 year olds can be pretty powerful when they want to accomplish something. I shoulda known something was up when they were 3 years old & they poured diet coke into an apple juice bottle and put it in the fridge ... and started begging for " juice." 3 Years old people. They make sure they get what they want. Let's just say that Gus is safe if I wear him. Hence... I am an attachment parent by default. It's cool. That's what I wanted anyways.

The "F" word. Gus : one week old.

2006-02-12T01:05:00.000-08:00

We arrived home from the hosptial on Sunday February 5th at about 1 pm. All seemed well. The next day We saw our awesome pediatrician, Dr. Gober for the official "check in." Gus' bilirubin tested a level 12 on Sunday at the hospital. Dr. Gober said that was perfect, and all again was well. He even gave us his old faithful, " keep up the good work, he looks great" line. We had no reason to worry! Finally: a full term baby who was happy, healthy and fat fat fat. The next day my good friend Cathy came over (per my demands :) ) to meet Baby Gus. Cathy noticed the yellow in Gus' skin, but I told her " oh he's fine.. the doctor said..." bla bla bla. After Cathy left, I got a little nervous, so what was the harm in calling good ol' Dr. G? Dr. G said, why don't we just have him checked out... to be safe. Parker and I packed it up and went to the hospital lab to ease our minds, knowing that it was a waste of time, but still worth it to check, just in case. Shows you how much we know. Dr. Gober called the SECOND were returned home fromthe lab. He said " Take Gus back to the hospital." It seems that the cut off for a high bilirubin is 25 ( seizures, deafness, CP etc.. are all complications from a biliruben results of this level.) Gus's bilirubin was 22. We arrived at Shady Grove Hosptial at 10 pm. We walked into our room to find out that our roomate was a 17 year old girl passing a kidney stone. We apologized for the inconvienience. She said " ohh it's okay, I have a 6 week old at home, I'm used to it." Gus was put on a very strict every 2 hour feeding schedule... and we were forced to supplement w/ formula( the "F" word) WITH A BOTTLE. NOOOOOOOOOOO say it isn't so! A Bottle?.. .But but.. Gus is a breastfed baby! He's still learning... can't we cup feed??? " No" said the nurse. I was devastated. I was going to mess everything up. Luckily my hormones were kicking in.. so I was crying about everything. ( especially the fact that we were having a bris for Gus.) I cried through the night as I shared a hosptial bed with Parker... winced at every move since my incision was very tender... and my body hurt. I cried at every feed...knowing that a bottle was the enemy... eventhough it was helping my little baby boy hydrate... and pee and poo out those yucky left over dead red blood cells his immature little liver couldn't kill off. The guilt set in nicely as I realized that I never once questioned Millie adn Holden's care inthe NICU and never once "guraded" my children as they were having procedures. IF someone even thought about touching Gus that night, I was very defensive and concerned that Gus was scared or confused. I felt like such a bad mother. Do I love Gus more than I love Millie and Holden??? Ahh confusion.. hormones... fear... anger! I fell asleep crying. A lactation consultant arrived @ about 10 am. She was very upset that we were forced to bottle feed .. especially since I could have fed the entire pediatric unit w/ the amount of milk I produce. We arranged to "finger feed" Gus. YAY! No more stinky formula or nipple confusion! I felt like that bolder on my shoulder was lifted. Later in the morning we were told that another bili would be drawn THE NEXT MORNING. Uh oh.. more waterworks. I couldn't stop myself. I was DONE. Another 24 hours of this crap? NO Luckily Dr. G called and I explained that this arrangement was less than satisfactory..and worked out a deal that if Gus' bili came down to an acceptable level, maybe we could go home on a bili-blanket. Gus' next test showed that his bilirubin was 18.5. Not quite low enough. We talked things over with the Dr. on staff . She agreed to re-test Gus' bili and see if things were coming down later that day. @ 5 pm we were told that we could go home. Oh Joy and rapture! HOME! I was laughing and crying at the same time. These hormones can be tricky. We waited until 9pm for the bili blanket guy to arrive...and we skee daddled. Upon arriving at our home.. I lost my cookies. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to feed Gus.. or even look at him. He was screaming his little head off.. and I sat pretty much naked in the bathroom bawling. What a miserable failure I was. Parker offered to finger feed Gus... so I could sleep, but I couldn't pump enough milk. For the first time in a week my body wouldn't make milk. The world's worst anxiety attack followed suit. What a hideous affair. I reluctantly fed Gus. He is so frikkin' awesome. If I were him I would have bitten my nipple hard... but he didn't. He drank slowly and calmly as I cried softly, while surrounded by my poor mom and my frazzled husband. Again my support network is amazing. Convinced I was in the throws of PPD. I crawled into bed.. and sweated the night away... along with feeding my baby boy. Things got better. Gus got better. His bilirubin tested 15 the next day.. and then down to 14 as of Friday night. It's been a long week. I am tired, but not "beaten." I know I can do this.. As long as I have my family with me to remind me that I am only human.. . and I'm doing the best I can.

Hospital couture.

2006-02-12T00:57:00.000-08:00

This is the last belly shot we have on January 31st. Notice my hot knee high medical grade stockings. These suckers were tight as a mother to help with the swelling in my legs. As relaxed as I look in this picture, I was absolutely terrified, but hoped to lighten the mood. I loved being pregnant, and I was actually very sad in in this moment, knowing I would only have a few more hours of my round belly and that constant kicking.

37 weeks, Can you tell?

2006-01-30T17:14:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOD. Look at my face!AHHH Can you tell the novelty has worn off? Can you tell that the pain in my legs is so excruciating that I have forced myself to smile at all? Can you see my 3 chins and extra cheeks? Can you tell that I simply need to sleep? ( I was awake last night from 3am-6am.. and HIP joined us in the family bed @ 6:30am ... which woke me up for good) Can you tell that my children are fighting more than usual and I am trying so hard to not flip out. Can you tell I am just about done?

I hope you are answering "yes" to each one of these questions.

T-minus 10

2006-01-30T15:55:00.000-08:00

I had my appointment with Dr. Landy this afternoon. It was chock full of info that's for sure. here's a list of what was discussed:
I still have group B strep. Antibiotics will be administered during the delivery. Great... just what I need. ( If you're a woman reading this... you'll understand what antibiotics do to a girl)
The swelling in my legs isn't just my imagination... it's there and it's severe. Dr. Landy seemed concerend about it.
I am spilling TONS of proteins. If I start getting headaches or start seeing spots ~things could change quickly.
I am scheduled for both a c-section and an induction on February 9th @ 1:00. I have a measurement sonogram this Thursday. If Tiny weighs over 4,000 grams it's a c-section for me.
I am terrified to have a c-section

My dreams of nursing and holding a goop covered baby immediately after birth are pretty much out the door and I am devastated...devastated. Tiny will most likely have to go to the NICU for a few days" to monitor his/her bloodsugars. "There goes my early breastfeeding education. 9. I am exhausted and sad. That's the problem with dreaming. I have been so lucky... it was bound to end. 10) I know that the goal is for Tiny to be born happy and healthy. I need to get over the birth details, and see the good in the fact that I was able to do this at all. 11. I am a " little bit" dialated. I'm glad these ass kicking contractions I have every 20 minutes or so are doing their job. ( grr.) ( I am annoyed with Blogger right now because my numbering system got all messed up and Blogger won't let me fix it. If I had any energy, I'd work on it longer.. but I don't .. so for now pretend that the numbers are ins a straight line and you understand what I am talking about.)

Now I know

2006-01-29T05:41:00.000-08:00

I has become abundantly clear to me why I am so tired all day: I don't sleep at night. I can't get comfortable. When I DO sleep... I am dreaming about having the baby... which is exhausting. When I wake up ,I am annoyed because I am still pregnant. Hmmm. I get jealous of Parker... over there sleeping away... paying no mind. ( I'm not saying he should pay any mind when he's sleeping... I'm just saying... he's asleep!) I wonder if my body is just getting ready for being nocturnal? I went to sleep @ 3am... and woke up at 7:30. I peed @ 4:30,5:10,6:35, & 7:30. Just getting back into bed is exhausing. My bladder sure is getting a workout.
Parker's Parent's came to our house for 6 hours yesterday. I don't usually count the hours of their visits... it's just that this time they showed up at 4pm.. and had to leave by 10. They live 3 hours away! We couldn't talk them into staying the night. The reason for thier visit was so they could watch the kids while Parker and I went out to a nice dinner. Parker and I went to Houston's. For the first time in 10 years of eating at Houston's, I ate the prime rib. I gotta tell ya, it was worth the hour wait... cause for a former veggie burger turned temporary carnivore~ the prime rib was darn tasty( if I didn't think about the fact that I was eating cow muscle.) I obviously couldn't finish the entire meal... but Parker did his best to try and help me. :) The dinner was nice.I think we finally decided on a boy's name. Which eases my mind a little. We had a long talk about circumcision and our differing feelings. I'm still a little worried about the circumcision debate. Parker read that 1 in 10 men who aren't circumcised end up getting circumcised as an adult. Our pediatrician said that he sees more children who aren't circumcised with urinary tract infections, and other skin infections that are painful and require antibiotics. Parker researched that men with foreskins are the only people who get cancer of the penis. Parker said : as a person who has a penis, he can't imagine having to get circumcised. Having it done as an infant is really the only humane thing he can think of. I listened to his reasons. I listened to our pediatrician. I respect the Judaism side of circumcision. I still have clear reservations. I also have respect for my husband and our pediatrician. IF we do decide to circumcise, I will be very sad. It's not the pain aspect of the procedure. ( remember my kids had 8 surgeries collectively...I watched my kids suffer so they could survive. I never got upset when they cried w/ vaccines... etc... I know that these things are neccessary, and that the pain subsides. I have been poked and prodded from the age of 2 with no complaints, and I know that these things not only helped me survive, they made me stronger.) My main issue: if men weren't supposed to have foreskins they wouldn't be born with them. That's it. Ohh clearly I am still torn. Hopefully we can come to a decision without things getting heated.

Now, if I could only drain my ankles ( which are 5 times their usual size) and find a comfortable position to sit/lie in I'd be golden. Ohh Tiny... are you ready yet?????

I think she's starting to forgive me.

2006-01-28T05:13:00.000-08:00

After a week of antibiotics and pain killers, It is clear that Miss Ruby Jones ( our bulldog who was named after the coolest security guard at the Corcoran when I was in Art School) seems to not only feel better, she actually LIKES being around us!

As a little treat ( I think more for me than for her) I took Ruby Jones to the groomer for an all around " day at the spa." Something needed to be done about the stink, seriously. Ruby signed up for: a mani-pedi/ear wax removal/and all over body massage.( bath) She even opted for a style change. ( see bow in photo) ( we talked about the bow on the ride home from the spa, and she made it abundantly clear that it was a mistake and she preferred to look more " bad ass" than "pretty". ( although imagining her dancing around the kitchen singing " I feel pretty" is something that did make me giggle a little) I followed her lead and removed the bow. ( only after I took many incriminating photos of her... for when we haze her @ her wedding or something. :) ) In true dog fashion, when we got home, Ruby Jones rubbed her little meatloaf self all over the furniture, rolled all over the rug, and barked at her butt. ( again, she is a little portly and she can't itch her own butt.. so she opts to bark at it instead)
Anyways, I am happy to report that Ruby Jones must be the toughest dog to have ever lived. Her test results for Lymes came back. When a dog has a "high postive" result for Lyme's, the number is 37. Ruby Jones rang in @ 171! AGGGAHHH! Poor lil' chicken and dumplins. The vet said that we will have to run a longer course of antibiotics, but she should be fine, and no I'm not going to doggie owner jail, she didn't give us any indication that she wasn't feeling well... okayyyy... I know she pee'd on the carpet for 5 months... but she didn't give us any PHYSICAL indicators! Ohh please don't make my guilt-o-meter go off the charts, I have enough hormones raging right now.

yawnnn

2006-01-27T06:43:00.000-08:00

I am beat down. I have a bpp in an hour and I cannot imagine driving myself to Georgetown at this point. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired.
I just had to put that out there.

maybe just maybe

2006-01-25T16:27:00.000-08:00

Maybe just maybe it's hormones.
Maybe just maybe it's exhaustion.
Maybe just maybe the pain from my swollen legs/feet is making me a little "short" with everyone.

Maybe just maybe my child is going through some sort of life changing event... and thinks she can control the universe with her glass shattering screaming.

Maybe just maybe I need to lock myself in my bedroom and just let things "go" for a little while.
Maybe just maybe I've played referee too much today.
Maybe just maybe I'm embarassed because of my children's behavior at the pediatrician's office today.
Maybe just maybe I've fallen for :" can you open this, I promise I'll eat it." too many times
Maybe just maybe I'm sick of the competition and sneaky behavior.
Maybe just maybe I'm tired of always disciplining.
Maybe just maybe Tiny will be a good baby.
Ha. Maybe just maybe I live in a dream world.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

2006-01-24T16:28:00.000-08:00

I'm itchy! The skin on my stomach is shiney and soooo itchy... it's driving me crazy. I tried putting a nice mild cream ( given to me by the lady who does my facials... and oh yeah.. I have to get facials or I look like a 14 year old boy my skin sucks so much) on it to soothe the burning/itching... but even this mild cream made it burn and itch more. I can only hope that at this point that this is all coming to an end in the near future... in hopes to actually have this baby. Listen to me... it's like I'm 2 weeks overdue. HA. I'm such a wuss. My legs have swelled up to the size of elephant ankles once again... they look H-O-T. ( but feel awful) Also a new development: When I have contractions ( which are kinda often.. but untimable) I am unable to breathe. It feels like everytime I contract... someone knocks the wind out of me. I'ts kinda weird, I must say. I wonder: how am I supposed to breathe through the pain of labor... if I can't catch my breath? I had my BPP/OB visit ( with random OB) today. I haven't gained any weight in the last 2 weeks. ( which is a miracle... since I'm pretty much full of fluid) My belly measures 38 weeks/cm.This is consistent with the growth over the last few visits... always a week ahead. I have signed up with a parent from the kids' school who is training to become a post partum doula. I am looking forward to getting to know her better since I will be flinging my boobies out at her every chance I get... due to my fear that I am going to be awful at breastfeeding. I'm sure she will be helpful... or at least I hope she's helpful. I am also a little tired of the 'rhoids. There~ I said it. I'm not going any further... neither should you. I am glad I am still pregnant though. Dr. L returns to the office on Monday. I hopefully will be able to talk her into inducing me. Not that I want to be induced... I WANT to avoid a section if I can. Hopefully the fact that I am not gaining a lot of weight means that Tiny's growth has slowed down a little too. Funny story: I was getting my BPP today and the one sonogram technician , Gloria( who I LOVE) was talking to me about the size of Tiny etc. Gloria: " How big is that baby of your's?" Me: " 2 weeks ago it weighed 7lbs 6 oz. It's huge, and it need to get out!" Gloria: " Honeychild( this is where I have to bite the inside of my cheek to not laugh or channel Brenda from that show "2-2-7") you think that's big... look at this baby. (Gloria went on to show me a hosptial photograph of a baby who weighed 11lbs 3 oz at birth.) We call him ' the Moose.' " I gotta tell ya... I got a little queasy when I saw that. 11 pounds?? YOY !( crossing legs as tightly as I can right now) I will tell you.. .I hope to find something else to focus on very soon. It seems that my pregnancy and my kids. is all I have to talk about. Yawnnnn. I remember the days of politcs and prose... dinner in Dupont Circle... and an occasional show @ either the Black Cat or the Old 9:30 club . Those were the days. Now all I can think about is: my fetus/ my kids/ what's for dinner/ and how much longer until I can go to bed. The kids have some idea that we're gonna pop a tent in their bedroom tonight for them to go camping. Hey as long as they sleep... I'll let them camp every night. I'll let you know how it goes.

What time do I have to leave??

2006-01-23T15:39:00.000-08:00

Today's doctor's appointment: Dr. Ratner. Time of appointment: 8:45am. I left the house @ 7:25am. I arrived in Eastern Market @ 9:30. Yes people... that is just under 2 hours of travel time. 270 was a parking lot. The GW parkway was S-T-O-P-P-E-D. Independance Ave was slowwwwwww. I'm glad I wasn't in labor. That would have been a little rough. I'll tell you why all of this traffic was happening after I fill you in on my appointment. BP was good:110/65. Bloodsugar was good:116. I didn't gain any weight this week. Swelling is back in my legs/feet... but not too much of a concern. My bloodsugars have been a little on the low side for the last couple of days. Dr. Ratner said that's how he can tell I'm going to have this baby in the next week or so. Apparently at the very end of a pregnancy a diabetic woman's bloodsugars will drop in preparation of the birth. He said lower bloodsugars are pretty standard for a delivery that is right around the corner. Okie dokie. I'm ready. Bring it. After my nice visit with Dr. R. I drove up toward the Capitol building and down to PA ave. Where I see all the cops. Since I have lived in the D.C. area for about 11 years now, I know the drill: cops in large #'s usually= motorcade. Nope... today ~cops in large #'s = pro-life rally. I am a woman who believes everyone has an opinion. Even if I don't agree with "your" opinion, I still value that for some reason "you" have deduced that "your" opinion matters to "you" and that should count for something. I HOPE that "you" feel the same way about me. Here's what pissed me off~ IF you pro-lifers are so compassionate and looking out for the lives of unborn babies.... and hoping to save the world: PLEASE don't bring 10'X10' images of aborted fetuses and nail them up on the side of government buildings while you march around holding "your" 10 year old's hand... exposing them to HATE ( when " you" must be confused with love) & grotesque images. I almost puked all over the f-in' dashboard when I saw one of the pictures.I mena it's really TOO MUCH. It's tactics like this that make me wonder why the Christian "right" feels that stuff like this is " okay." It put a bad taste in my mouth all day. Not only that.. I prolly had to sit in 2 hours worth of traffic this morning because all these s*#!heads clogged up my streets. GRR. If you have plans on visiting D.C. for some grotesque political statement... I will hear "your" voice... but I will loathe "your" actions. I mean really, what happened to World Peace? I drove back to the 'burbs where people are too passive to actually stand up for their views ( unless protected by government buildings and 4,000 cops) and went to Millie and Holden's parent /teacher conferences. I was pleased to hear that both kids are doing great at school. Both are learning on their own curves and are progressing along at their own speed. I am a little frustrated because HIP is learning math on a 1st grade level.. .&Millie is having a tough time with writing letters. Now the beauty of Montessori is that both kids will succeed regardless . Both will learn things as they are ready. I couldn't ask for any more. The issue: When the kids come home: they bicker and argue because they have learned different things.. and they each think that their thing is more important... which in turns brings out the competition. I was glad to learn that HIP does actually know how to clean up after himself !( something he does NOT do here without a LOT of stern encouragement ( wink)) Millie( as hard as this is for me to believe) does NOT make the other children in school cry. HUH! Who knew? The teachers were all very complementary of our kids. SHEW! You mean, we are actually doing an "okay" job? There's hope yet! As for tomorrow, I have an appointment w/ one of the OB's at Georgetown and my BPP. As for right now: I'm gonna go get comfy. ( if I can find that sweet spot on the couch... where my ribcage doesn't actually snap when I sit down.)

36 weeks

2006-01-22T17:17:00.000-08:00

We're cooking along here at 36 weeks and here are a few things about the 3rd trimester I have noticed.

1) I am extremely tired pretty much all day long.

2) Tiny definitely has awake/asleep cycles throughout the day. These times of the day are not convienient to my current schedule ( ie: 4 am seems to be a busy part of Tiny's day)

3) My husband is crankier than ever.

4) I am just not hungry for anything other than chocolate pudding.

5) I all of a sudden LOVE (fruit punch) Gatorade.

6) I can smell everything. Especially if it smells bad.

7) I think it's funny when Tiny gets the hiccups, but I wish they didn't last so long... it feels weird.

8) I will be very sad when I'm not pregnant anymore. This was my dream come true. I am so lucky.

9) I'm not quite sure how I'm gonna juggle Millie, Holden, and Tiny all at the same time. I know my skills will develop in time, but still I have that fear of the unknown.

10 ) I have this fear that Tiny looks like a catfish.

(This one goes to:) 11) I'd do this again in a heartbeat.

12) my pet peeves are: when I drop something and have to bend over to pick it up & putting on underwear and socks. ( I always seem to tip over)

Save a seat for me in Hell.

2006-01-22T07:10:00.000-08:00

Okay okay. I deserve any " I told you so's." I deserve, " you are a big meanie" ... And I deserve the river of dog pee on the rugs that has been left for me in the past 4 months.

The dog I had sworn to never like again ( after she saturated every single square inch of carpet in our guest room ) has: a "MASSIVE" urinary tract infection and lyme's disease. Poor Ruby Jones. I am awful. She woke up yesterday unable to walk ( joint pain from lyme's) and had peed 3 times in the kids room overnight. I was getting ready to put her outside with a sign around her neck that said " free dog... Take her~ and we'll pay you."

After a day on meds ( a couple hundred bucks worth... Serves me right) she seems to actually have a little spring in her step. She didn't run from me when I asked her to go outside and go pee... And this morning she gave me her paw.( the sore one)

We still need to get the carpets cleaned ( obviously)... But now we know this isn't behavioral... SHE'S SICK. **big sigh** I thought the vet was gone call doggie social services on me.
I am however, making a "spa date" for Ruby Jones so she can get a bath, get her ears cleared out... And the folds in her face de-stained. I'm not so sure how she's gone handle all that attention. People who know her know that she has a touch of the anxiety in new environments. I hope she does fine and rather enjoys her special day of attention and cleansing. She deserves it. She's been putting up with my screaming and carrying on for months now.

Today's game: Re-program children to call Ruby Jones by her name... Not ," you stinky, smelly dog."

Sizin' up

2006-01-20T16:30:00.000-08:00

I had my Friday morning BPP today and all was well. Tiny was in there kickin' it old school and actually stayed awake for the whole test. Whew! That's a first. Just to paint a little picture for you: a BPP involves; a fetal heart monitor, a contraction monitor ( both for 20 minutes to a half an hour) and a sonogram to measure movements and the amniotic fluid index. Normal amniotic fluid measures 8-24 cm. Today mine was 12 cm. It is common to be one of 4 women getting a BPP in the same room at the same time. Most of the women are expecting multiples.. .except for me. ;) ( I already took that route( kinda) and I'm cool with a singleton who is being closely watched) Today there was a chatty Cathy ( which is saying a lot for me.. .those of you who know me know that I can talk it up with the best of them) This particular chatterbox girl is expecting boy/girl twins ( first kid(s)) She was very sweet really. She had a lot of questions about life with twins. She wanted to know if I breastfed, when/if I separated them when sleeping/feeding... the works. I tried to keep my composure and not scream " WHEN THEY TURN 4 RUN AWAY!" I wanted to be honest and tell her that someone is gonna start some drama.. and you don't want no drama... but I felt it was nicer for me to let this woman work up to that phase. ( the phase where we play the game " I want the orange marker and just because you have it and I want it.. I'll draw all over the kitchen cabinets with a red marker in protest... and scream "I'm not going to time out!") Ahhh yes a set of 4 year olds.... again I will exhaust this point: TWINS ARE HARD WORK.. anyone who wishes for twins better have a lot of patience. I spent a little time with my friend Amanda after the BPP. Her 3 week old daughter ( name withheld ) is just about the same size as Tiny. I was holding said baby up to my belly sizing her up, trying to imagine pushing something her size out of my coot. Said babe is about 7lbs 14 oz currently. She seemed so small to me. I keep imagining a huge Millie sized baby coming out of me... but said baby's size seemed reasonable. Amanda is doing the mommy thing just perfectly... all with ease. Said babe is absolutely perfect in every way. I hope we are as lucky. I had a dream last night that Tiny was born and it was a boy. I cried and cried because Parker and I haven't decided on a boy's name 100% and I was sad because we HAVE decided on a girl's name. I also was sad in the dream because I didn't want to circumcise. Apparently we have a lot of issues to talk over before the " main event." I should probably get them all settled in for bed. Tiny has the hiccups... I have heartburn.. Millie is hacking up a lung.. Holden is jumping on the couch... and Parker is asleep on the couch. Ahhhh life is so glamorous over here.

The "Scary Doctor."

2006-01-19T10:48:00.000-08:00

I had my weekly OB appointment with another one of the doctors in the practice today. I will refer to her as the "scary doctor."

A few weeks ago I spoke with Dr. L's head nurse about my concerns with a doctor other than Dr. L delivering Tiny. Meredith ( nurse) suggested that if I needed to be induced when Dr. L was away she would look @ the schedule and arrange for me to have someone "cool" deliver Tiny. She made mention of a particular doctor and said that she preferred that " Mean Doctor" didn't do the delivery due to her "cold bedside manner." I have been a little freaked out since that conversation... ( because you know I need nice people around me at all times or I cry) but know that I have no control over the matter... so I need to suck it up. Well, today I had an appointment with "mean Doctor" and she was fine. I mean, I didn't want to hug her or anything, but I didn't leave feeling neglected, sad, or scared. So I feel loads better having at least met her... just in case she ends up performing a c-section on me.

All went well at the doctor's visit medically. Tiny has a nice steady heartbeat ( about 140 beats per minute) and has " great breathing movements." My belly measures 37 cm. I will be 36 weeks tomorrow. " Mean ( I mean "Nice")Doctor" said that my measurements are just fine. I actually lost 5 lbs in a week. I will say the weight loss can be attributed to me losing all the swelling/fluid in my legs. My ankles are back baby! Shoes fit! I can actually wear socks ( if someone helps me put them on.. because I always fall over trying to put on socks by myself. Let me tell you.. it ain't pretty)

I am starting to freak out a little about the delivery again. I'm not sure what my pain threshhold really is. I always prided my ability to just deal with pain... but if my labor goes on and on... how much will I be able to handle? As some of you know, Parker has a tendancy to 'worry' a bit when he's not in control. I am scared that I will be a big meanie and he will get frustrated with me and the experience will suck the big one. I keep telling myself... " this is Parker's delivery too.. don't ruin it for him." I know all this worrying is normal... so I will just wait until those moments arise, and know that it will pass.

Millie and Holden are in the other just chillin' out. I think I'll go join in on the fun.

The first cut is the deepest

2006-01-16T06:31:00.000-08:00

Today's topic: circumcision.

Back when Holden was a baby, although I was hesitant,we had a bris at our home and circumsized Holden. I was overwhelmed with the idea of motherhood,and respectful of the fact that my husband was/is Jewish. I felt funny about cutting the skin off of the front of HIP's little weiner, but was told " it's for the best." We had a very cool Moyhel who explained the importance of circumcision to a room full of Gentiles and Parker's Dad.( the only other Jew in the house) My dad and Parker's dad held down our helpless son's arms as he laid on top of our dining room table , and we watched Holden's little foreskin get surgically removed as he screamed in pain and terror in front of our families. I held him tightly for hours afterward while he was drunk off of good Jewish wine. We gave the kids Hebrew names ( Millie's is : Nessa Iti.(which means: God's miracle with us) Holden's is Raphael Amos ( which means: God's Strength)) I felt guilty about the circumcision. I hesitated just minutes before... but it was all such a blur. I don't *regret* circumsizing Holden. He is no worse for the wear. I just have had time to think about it this time, and I'm not sure I feel the same way.

Parker and I spoke about circumcision the other night and what we will do if Tiny is a boy. I told him how I felt. He told me how he felt. We agreed. The problem is : it is very hard to make a decision for an 8 day old boy.
My feelings: Leave well enough alone. If it was supposed to be circumsized... it would arrive that way.
Parker's feelings: He's fine with not circumsizing... but worries that Tiny will be sad that his "thing" looks different than the rest of the dudes in our home.

I'm not concerned about what other's may or may not think. I know that a small percentage of boys @ the kids' school are circumsized... and frankly if it becomes an issue... there may be a problem there.( which there won't be.. because the school is so freakin' cool.. how could it become a problem?)
I have researched circumcision in the USA and only 50% of the boys born anymore are circumsized.
When I think about it... no 2 "things" are alike really. I mean, Millie and Holden aren't alike.. and it's no big deal. We all have something special... and what if Tiny's most special thing is his foreskin?
I have a lot of thinking to do over here. ( Or a lot of wishing that Tiny is a girl and this is all for nothing)

I'd just hate to make the wrong decision. This is way too much pressure.

T- minus...

2006-01-15T06:42:00.000-08:00

Since we're getting down to the wire,I thought it would be a good idea to "treat" Millie and Holden to a fun day before Tiny arrives. Those of you who know us, know that Millie and Holden have been the center of the universe since before their birth. Parker and I blame it on their " story." The good news is : I'm not sure Millie and Holden notice the attention they get. Hopefully it never goes to their heads. I have had serious talks w/ My Mee Maw about adding photographs of the 11 other great grandchildren to what seems like an altar piece in honor of Millie and Holden. Meems said to me " It's MY table... I do whatever I want with it." I guess she told me~ straight up. ( note to self: don't argue w/ 84 year old Mee Maw) Secretly, I add photos of the other great grandchildren every time I'm at her house... but somehow they are gone when I return. *sigh* I know the twin thing plays a lot into this... but from what I can understand... it's because Suze carried them... they were born almost 13 weeks early... and survived 8 surgeries collectively. Yes my children have a special story... but I hope to never use their situation to think that they are any more special than any other kid. I just know that we are lucky.

Not to add to the attention, I thought it would be fun to split the kids ( something Parker and I rarely do) and have a little one on one time. Millie and I went and got our fingernails and toenails painted. Millie picked the colors and insisted that we match. So currently we have hooker red fingernails and lilac toenails. Millie was completely beside herself with joy as the woman gave her a mini mani... and got a real kick out of standing in the footbath for her very fancy pedi. I thought Millie was gonna pee her pants when the manicurist put those toe spreader things between Millie's toes. I didn't know her little feet could spread apart so easily! Millie was in true Grandma Butcher giggle mode for about 2 hours. I t was awesome. Parker took Holden to Chuckie Cheese. ( better him than ME ~ I hate that place) He and Holden seemed to enjoy their time together. Holden told me all about the "chickets"( tickets) he won... and is so wonderful that he intentionally picked prizes he could share with Millie. ( sweet tarts and gummy candy) He is such a lover man! ( I can't say Millie would have done the same) Holden was all kissy and happy when he got home. I'm glad we had the time to do this for these guys. I know the transition of the addition of Tiny will be rough.. but we're gonna try to do our best to not have it effect them too much.

My bpp on Thursday went very well. Tiny was actually awake during the whole test. ( that's a first) I have talks with Tiny daily about how it would be okay to be born today... but just like the other 2 Parker kids... Tiny doesn't listen the first( or 50th) time you ask him/her to do something.
I think I'm pretty much ready for Tiny now. There are a few rooms I'd like to organize a little better, but it won't be the end of the world if I don't get to them. Tiny has clean clothes and diapers. ( cloth/g/ 1 pack of disposables ( for Parker's comfort level) ) Tiny's furniture was delivered this week... which was cool... so I don't have to just throw his/her clothes on the floor for Ruby to build a bed out of. ( There's nothin' cooler to a dog than a pile of sweet smelling ,light colored baby clothes. All the better to rub the big stink all over) My friend Katherine's mom is making me 2 car seat covers for Tiny's carseats which is co cool. I can't wait to get rid of the ugly denim ones we had with Millie and Holden. ( the only ones the Toys -R-Us in Towson had when it was time for MS & HIP's "carseat test"( sit in carseat for 20 minutes w/o bradying( dropping the heartrate) or holding their breath) in the NICU. I know I still have a few weeks to wait, but I think I wanna just relax a little ( between bpps and doctors appointments) before the big event.

I'm calming down a little about the delivery. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I need to know that I am not in control of everything, and a healthy babe is the goal. I am starting to freak out because I am dying to know Tiny's gender.. it is KILLING me! But gosh I do love surprises. :)

Okay today is Bagel and lox day. I better go get ready for the feast.

Dr. L said...

2006-01-10T12:55:00.000-08:00

I spoke with Dr. L this afternoon. She understands my concerns. She said her rules are as follows:

Any baby over 4,500 grams = c-section
Any baby 4,000 grams or greater on HER scale = c-section.
Any baby UNDER 4,000 grams is okay to deliver vaginally.

Tiny is currently 3,360 grams... so we're cuttin' it pretty close. Basically, I have 3-4 days to go into labor.
Dr. L also stated, " I prefer babies of diabetics to be big.( Take that sonogram technician losers!) Many women with longstanding diabetes develop an ineffective placenta in the 3rd trimester, which means the baby will be small and malnourished. So don't worry about the size."
I explained the fact that I am terrified to have a stranger perform a c-section on me. She understood not only as a doctor, but as a mother. She trusts that collection of doctors in the practice are the best in the business, and that she trusts them as medical professionals and colleagues.
I really feel the need to go off by myself and have a good cry about this. I have built up a good relationship with Dr. L, ( I mean she STILL drags people in from the hall in the hospital to look at my tattoos) and I kinda had this ideal that she would be with me during the hardest hours of my life. Dr. L's bedside manner is perfect for me. She's understanding ... but has edge... which I love.

So if anyone has any labor inducing tips ( other than copious amounts of sex) they would be much appreciated. Either that... or send me some vibes to help Tiny stay in so when I DO have to have a c-section Dr. L is the one to do it... after she returns in 2 weeks.
Deep cleansing breaths... oh wait.. I CAN'T BREATHE someone's foot is in my lung!

Would you look at the size of that thing!

2006-01-09T13:14:00.000-08:00

Here's the belly @ 34 weeks. It might not seem enormous to most but secretly... inside grows a baby that is ( I hope you are sitting down) 7lbs 6oz. No that is not a typo... Tiny ( the most inappropriate name ever given to a fetus of this size) weighs 7lbs 6 oz. Now ~ there is a margin of error on the type of sonogram we had today... but for now I am terrified that I am delivering a baby that will out weigh Millie by the time he/she is born. Tiny looks good in every other way. S/he is doing everything a 34 weeker should be doing. The issue here is : Dr. Landy is leaving on Saturday... so if any decisions are made in the next week, they will be made by a stranger... which makes me so sad. I am sitting here waiting for Dr. Landy to call so we can possibly discuss the plan of events. If we wait until January 30th (the day Dr. Landy returns to her office) by my calculations , Tiny Parker will weigh around : 9lbs 6 oz. Okay ~ NO... I will not go there people. ( if I can help it) The thing I hate most of all is the reaction to the fact that I have diabetes. Anyone knows that diabetes causes babies to grow faster than that of babies born to non-diabetics... but I do NOT need the judgemental " Diabetics who are controlled don't have big babies" comment every time I get a sonogram. ERGGGGAHHH ! I hate that! I DO control my diabetes... don't look at me sideways because my baby is bigger than most at this point than most babies. I know for a fact that the peole looking at me sideways( typically medical professionals) and judging me DON'T have diabetes. Live one friggin' day in my shoes people and you will know that living with diabetes is HARD... and have any of you heard me complain? (don't answer that Parker!) I think my hormones are kicking in.. so I better zip it. I'll let you know what Dr. Landy and I decide. I better go elevate my tree trunks for legs.

Just call Me Sister Judy

2006-01-09T13:09:00.000-08:00

I know you think this is sexy. I know you are thinkin' to yourself, " God, her legs are hot!" All I can think is that I am rivaling one of the nuns at my high school. I also know that this could be a billion zillion times worse. I'm just stating: I have large ankles these days and they are starting to get on my nerves.

Busy week

2006-01-08T07:51:00.000-08:00

This past Friday was a busy one. I had a BPP @ 10 am... ( which went well)and an appointment w/ Dr. Landy @ 2:45pm. 'Kay.. the BPP office and Dr. Landy's office are THE SAME OFFICE! Grrr. So I had to waste 3 hours and 45 minutes. How annoying. I mean they couldn't have done my BPP in the afternoon? Nope.. .all the techs work half days on Fridays. They leave @ noon. Still noon would have been better. So I drove to Bethesda and shopped for my Mom's birthday gift. I picked up a little something at a store called: Red Orchard. I love this place. Regional artists sell their wares here. You can find everything from edible garden seeds - $5,000 oak tables. Felted blankets... hand printed stationary,baby junk, awesome jewelry, pottery... ceramic sculpture, wooden spoons, scarves.. I could go on and on. It really is a cool place. If you're a local, and you're stumped for a gift... you won't be sorry if you hit this place. You never know, you may pick up a little something for yourself. :) ( Okay I confess! I bought a really cool ring with some of my Christmas money. :) )
After my shopping euphoria, I headed back to Georgetown and saw Dr. Landy. She said everything still looks good and she is really planning on inducing me @ 37 weeks or so. Here's where I freak. She is headed off to Boston to take a class @ Harvard ( something she said she always wanted to do) and returns back in the office on January 30th. So I'm in the hands of whoknowswhat Dr. until she returns. I don't wanna be induced. I don't want that dumb pitocin. I want my hippie natural birth that I can FEEL. I wanna cry. I wanna moan and walk around and deliver on all fours. Do I know that this will probably not happen. Yes. DO I know that not many women can stand the power of the contractions caused by pitocin? Yessss. DO I know that eventhough I am TERRIFIED of an epidural... I will most likely have one? Yessssssssss. Do I also know that the further I go, the chances of having a c-section go up exponentially? ( due to Tiny's size.. which is currently 5lbs)I know that too.I have to accept it. But I just need to say I feel sad about it. No I won't dwell. I will be sad that I sorta kinda had this idea of how the birth of our baby would be... and it seems that I don't really have any control over that. I s'poze most people don't have that control, but the people I do know who had natural births, actually had control... and a voice. For so long I haven't had any say when it comes to my medical care, but I see this as a natural event... something my body is supposed to do... but still I have to hand over my control to a team of doctors nurses and students ( Georgetown is obviously a teaching hosptial) to take over our intimate little moment when my baby comes out. The moment I imagined nursing my baby almost instantaniously while still attached to the placenta. The moment I see my bloody and vernix covered baby.. without it being taken away and wiped off so it's "clean." I didn't get to see Millie and Holden when they were born. I didn't get to see them come into this world. ( I heard them... and I haven't stopped hearing them since! whew!) So when it comes to Tiny's birth, I just kinda want to "see" everything. Parker says that medicine is here to help and protect. ( or something to that effect) Clearly I agree with him. I know that childbirth is dangerous. I also know that I have a raised risk level that puts my control somewhere down @ level 1.. and the doctors' up at level 10. I also knew all of this before I got pregnant. I've been having a lot of talks with Tiny. I keep saying, " Tiny, can you please make the decision to come out in the next 2 weeks or so? I would REALLY prefer not to have to be induced.If Tiny is anything like Millie and Holden today... I'll be having a c-section in 3 weeks. Parker and I went to our childbirth class yesterday. It really summed up how I felt about our delivery. It also was too long( 9-3:45) and unrealistic. The only mention of the NICU was if the baby ingests Meconium. THAT'S IT! Ridiculous. We took a tour of L&D, and we found out that last week we spent the night in a crappy room... instead of what they have to offer everyone else! We also watched many informative videos on birth styles/stories/and drugs. ( although the teacher seemed to be a proponent of natural deliveries) So, we have a lot to think about/obsess over for the next couple of weeks. Which is always nice, yes?

Back to Friday: We threw Millie and Holden a " No more Noonies! ( pacifiers) party" on Friday night. Obviously to celebrate the fact that they have given up their noonies. We need them to know how proud of them we are! A bunch of their friends ( and their friends parents) joined us for pizza and cake. It was fun. ( until Millie had a complete meltdown over who knows what. All we can figure is that she was just exhausted) Millie and Holden seemed pleased. I would have pictures to post... if my camera's stupid flash never went off! Luckily Suze is more organized that I am... and I know she took some pics... so I'll at least have something to show Millie and Holden when they are older. ( bad mommy) Luckily I had my mom and Suze at the house on Friday.. since they pretty much did everything in preparation. I am lucky to have such a cool and supportive family. I was also glad to See Gingersnap and all of her cuteness. She sure can make a room smile.

Okay, Ruby seems to be barking ( something that sounds more like a muffled " glurk") at I'm sure nothing other than the sky.. but it never hurts to check if a small child is standing there peeing it's pants in fear.

I hope this upcoming week slows down for me. These mid- week visits to the hospital are getting OLD.

That was a close one!

2006-01-05T13:07:00.000-08:00

After a night of pure hell ( nausea, 'runs', exhaustion,keytones, and just plain sickness) I was admitted to Georgetown's L&D. ( Dr. Landy said she doesn't mess around w/ this stuff & diabetics) I was having big contractions... my heartrate was the same as Tiny's... ( 140) I was Massively dehydrated... and begging for relief. I was not dialated and my cervix is " nice and long." The nurses told me to brag about that. :) I was diagnosed w/ strep and put on more antibiotics. I spent 24 hours at the hosptial in the most uncomfortable bed on the planet... and was discharged this morning. I am very tired... and very glad to be home.

I have to admit it

2006-01-03T08:08:00.000-08:00

Okay.. I tried to avoid this. I tried to be one of those women who LOVE being pregnant. I have LOVED being pregnant...until now. I have had an easy "go" as far as this gestation thang goes.. but now I have to tell you that after a night in the hospital...I mayyyy be changing my tune a bit. After having every device under the sun jammed into my coot.... I am shall we say.. .sore. I am still having contractions, I am unable to get a deep breath, and the feet in my ribs are a little ( in my whispering voice) annoying at times. I have really enjoyed my pregnancy... even the scary times... because dammit, I got to EXPERIENCE these things. Fewww!!!.. I'm glad I got that off my chest.
After today's BPP ( which went fine after Tiny finally woke up) I received a phone call from Dr. Landy. I told ther that I was still having contractions. She told me that she got the lab results from my visit to L&D and apparently I DON'T have a UTI... I have a staph infection. I had to pack up the kids I had just picked up from school, and schlep over to the pharmacy to pick up my much stronger antibiotic. Dr. Landy also said that the contractions may be sensations caused by the staph infection and to give it 24 hours ( unless the contractions got worse of course) SO I have been contracting every 4-7 minutes for about an hour. I am a little confused as to what I should be doing. Go to Georgetown and have them tell me " you're not dialated. OR not go to Georgetown and freak out that I am dialating. Sigh. What to do what to do...
It's been an hour another hour and I'm still contracting. My back kinda hurts. I don't know if I'm just uncomfortable from pregnancy... or if I am sick. Now the best thing ever is that I feel nauseous to top it all off. Another sigh.

It's a....

2006-01-01T21:21:00.000-08:00

Urinary tract infection. We spent a few hours at Georgetown's L&D... hooked up to a lot of monitors... had my cervix checked in every way possible ( I'm re- thinking that natural delivery... OWWW-CH) Actually saw Dr Landy.( she (coincedentally) was the Dr on call.. which was so nice) I contracted every 4 minutes for a while. Nothing big... no changes to the cervix.. etc...Tiny is fine... I am fine...( I'm still contracting... but apparently ~ that's fine) I'm off to bed... I'm starting to feel nauseous. I'm sure it's the rotavirus kickin' in.

hmmm

2006-01-01T16:20:00.000-08:00

Welp, I am sitting here waiting for Dr. Landy to call back. I have been having what I think MIGHT be contractions every 7-10 minutes for the last 45 minutes. The pinching hasn't stopped either.( that is the most annoying part) Parker is all flipped out. For some reason I am just cool and calm... typing away onmy blog. Waiting for the OB.

20 mins later... off to hospital................

I'm just sayin'

2005-12-31T06:51:00.000-08:00

Here's a little pointer out there for any of you who may or may not know this: If you are exposed to a violent stomach bug... but don't have any symptoms of it... IT IS STILL NOT SAFE TO VISIT US. ( or anyone else) I'm not going to talk about who or what. I'm just making a general statement. Thanks to the people who said they weren't sick, so it was okay to visit... ( eventhough I was hesitant)Holden got it Wednesday, and Millie threw up from 1:30 this morning- 5:30 this morning.. .one time, all over me after I just finished drying her hair after a bath. ( @ 2am) One time was ALMOST in our bed but I screamed that after the "big belch"~ hurl will explode out of the child!Get her to the toilet! ( I learned that the hard way the time before) I know that the people who brought this virus to our home didn't mean any harm, clearly.. it's just that now: We will all get this. It's down to Parker and me. We cannot hang out w/ Suze and Danny on New Year's Eve. We cannot attend the Party @ my Aunt's house tomorrow. SO now our New Year's plans are screwed. YAYYYYY! Hopefully I don't get it.. because I'm already having contractions for some reason. ( they started last night @ about 6pm... and my stomach is still tightening every so often and it feels like the baby is pushing down. It happens when I stand or lie down... regardless of how much water I have had... or what position I am in) I can see it now: I get this stomach bug... I get dehydrated... go into labor... and low and behold... Parker starts hurling too... which means that when I'm in the hospital... he can't be there for Tiny's delivery. All this is obviously anxiety talkin' here...I don't know what's worse, the anticipation that we'll get it... or just getting it and getting it over with. Seriously: next time... I'm telling these unmentioned people " YOU CANNOT COME HERE." I had to sleep in a chair last night because Millie wanted me in the room with her and I am a bad mommy and couldn't bring myself to sleep next to her. My back is KILLING me! SO Thank you unmentioned people. Thank you for screwing up our holidays. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

disclaimer: this is my blog... I can say whatever the heck I want. So don't go there.

Today's BPP

2005-12-30T12:20:00.000-08:00

Since we were exposed to some sort of rotovirus thing this past week... I was unable to find a sitter for MS & HIP... so Daddy stepped up to the plate :) We all drove to Georgetown this morning together, which was pretty funny. Well, except for the part where Parker lectured me on how to drive... that part pissed me off. Obviously since I drive to Georgetown 4 times a week, I have no idea how to drive, love. Don't even start with the , " I was just trying to help" crap. Nope... not gonna listen to that. We arrived at the hospital in time. I packed the portable DVD player ( on loan from my parents) and Parker and the kids watched " the adventures of Scooby Doo ( Holden's fave) while Tiny seemingly took a nap. The whole point of the bpp is to monitor Tiny's movements and amniotic fluid levels. Typically this test takes about a half an hour. Today it took 45 minutes just to wake Tiny up. My amniotic fluid levels are still within normal. ( sometimes women who have diabetes and are pregnant have issues in the 3rd trimester due to the placenta "aging" quickly.) On Tuesday my amniotic fluid level was 14 cm. Today it was 11 cm. Normal range is between 8 and 24 cm. Parker was a little freaked...but I assured him that all was fine and these levels can change periodically. Now he has me a little worried, so I put in a call to Meredith ( Dr. Landy's nurse) to see if this is all within the norm. I'm still waiting for her call... but I'm sure everything is A-ok. ( or the bpp nurse would have said something.) I get another non-stress test/bpp on Tuesday... so we'll see if everything is still going smoothly.
Tiny can't seem to find a place to put his/her foot these days. It seems that my bottom ribs are a good anchor for him/her. Not that I don't love this pregnancy thing... I'm just wishing I could take a DEEP breath and not have a foot push into my lung. Alright it seems that there is something hitting the wall in the other room... and now MS is yelling, " OWWW HELLLPPPPPP!" ( but laughing hysterically...) I can only imagine.

Doctor's appointments: week 33

2005-12-29T16:42:00.000-08:00

Dr. Doroshow: ( pediatric cardiologist) ( & I quote) " Get out of here, you bore me." Tiny's tricuspid regurgitation is growing in a consistent manner with his/her heart. The bigger the heart, the bigger the leak... not: bigger heart... much bigger leak. The aorta is not stretching... and the heartbeat is steady. Good. No early delivery. Biophysical profile/ fetal non stress test : The baby needed to move 2 times in 20 minutes with a rise in heartbeat each time it moved. Tiny cooperated. .. and passed the first of many non- stress tests. The biophysical profile or BPP ( in sonogram lingo) showed that there is enough amniotic fluid and the movements are consistent with a happy baby. Dr. Ratner was happy with my numbers... and moved my alternate ( night time ) basal up a 1/10 of a unit. He said " I'd love to see you go to mid January... putting you @ 34/35 weeks... which is just perfect in my book." He added, " wouldn't it be funny if you went 37 weeks?" I told him to shut up. I will be so annoyed that after 7 months of hearing that I'm gonna go early, I go full term? UG . So that's pretty much it... nothing major/dramatic to report . I go in for another fetal non- stress test/BPP in the morning . I assume that all will be just fine. Now, for my non-stress test: let's see if I can get my 2 four year olds into bed without losing my cookies.. when does school start again?

2005-12-29T09:12:00.000-08:00

Christmas. I love it. I love the idea of a fat white man entering our home while we sleep... leaving more material stuff for our kids than we could have ever dreamed of... Naaaa I really do love it. I love the sounds and the smells. I love the kids excitement. I love giving gifts. I also love that Parker tracked soot through our house and knocked over the fireplace screen to make it look like Santa actually DID show up... just like my dad used to when Suze and I were little kids. Millie and Holden were totally into Christmas this year. We read " t'was the night before Christmas" at bed time... and Millie even slept without her noonie! ( with the promise that Santa would bring her a "Barbie doll" ( hey, if I'm not the one actually giving her a barbie. I'm down with that. + the Barbie I found was the " Barbie For President!" doll. I actually think this doll would do a better job than our current Pres... but that's a whole 'nother story, isn't it? ) Holden loved all the opening of gifts ( we limited each kid to 7) and had a blast on his new firetruck( that was promised to him if he gave up his noonie) Millie seemed a little grumpy and overwhelmed.. but got over it when we showed up at Meem's house.. which was packed to the gills with little screaming children playing with this year's installment of new toys. After a long day ... the day continued on ... and off we went to Beanie and PopPop's and opened what seemed like a never ending stream of new toys,clothes, and candy. I put a limit on my mom this year, but she obviously ignored me.. since a lot of the gifts that were given to the kids.. .are still at Beanie and Pop Pop's house. ( we couldn't fit them in the car!) The day was summed up by Holden as he was sitting in his bed. He said to my mom, " thanks for making Christmas come Beanie." OH MAN! There goes next year's limit! I think my mom teared up there a little. She said " ohh Holden , you are welcome, I'm so glad you had a great day." All I could do was think to myself.. " where in the H-E- double hockey sticks are going to put all of this stuff when we get home??? I'm trying to simplify and nest over here! You're not helping!" BUT I obviously appreciate my parents' generosity.Millie and Holden are going to put a box of " old toys" from their playroom together so we can make a donation to kids who don't have a Beanie. I would feel better knowing that Millie and Holden understand that not everyone is as lucky as they are, and that by giving up things that they used to play with, will help them learn about giving back to their community. Okay, I better get moving and bring in today's installment of toys that haven't made it in from the car. SOOOO many toys, so little time.

Kick finder technology

2005-12-22T07:08:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my friend (& director of the kids' school) Amanda... finding those kicks aren't so hard anymore. She( who is due to have her little baby today) gave me these hilarious tattoos to help people find those hard to find kicks without fully molesting me. Thanks to the new " kick finder technology!" This weeks belly shot shows you exactly where Tiny kicks me 99% of the time
So here's the gut @ 32 weeks

Painting nude

2005-12-22T07:00:00.000-08:00

Because of my many doctors appointments... and the fact that Millie and Holden's winter break is this week and next... our babysitter ( Brittany) has been literally camped out at our house pretty much all week. The other day I was rushing around and Brit asked me if painting would be okay, if she used smocks etc.. I said " Honestly Brit, I trust that whatever you do will be fine."
In an effort to save the new PJs she took HIP's off... only to find that he was sans underwear. Still, HIP thought that since he was painting, it would be best to still play it safe and wear a smock. Funny how paint still got on his little butt.